Andrew Reviews: The Hills

"Artist:" The Weeknd (No, I didn't misspell that.)
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 6 (Peak: 1, for 6 weeks. I didn't misspell that either.)
Video Link, for people who are bad at symbolism and directing videos: Here. 

Review: I know it's not my job to be the morality police. Just because I was born with a rare genetic disease rendering me incapable of feeling joy doesn't mean everyone else has to be as miserable as I am. Watching people experience fun makes me feel like a space alien observing a species with which I have only a passing familiarity, but I'm getting better at comprehending humans' strange rituals. Experience has enabled me to understand how someone could enjoy, say, dancing--I don't get it, but there's no reason you shouldn't do it if that floats your boat.

But there's some things I really don't understand--like how anyone can enjoy music made by The Weeknd. Back in July I expressed a desire to review one of this guy's songs, because they're all super creepy. Fortunately, he did not disappoint with this one either! Check out the words:

Your man on the road, he doin' promo
You said keep our business on the low-low

Right out the gate with a cheating reference! That's pretty impressive! Even more impressive is the filter placed on his voice--really adds to the "I watch you through your windows while you sleep" vibe of the song. Also, isn't The Weeknd a singer? Wouldn't he be more likely to be doing "promo" than his paramour's partner?

No, wait, my bad, it's a Weeknd song. I am not supposed to think.

I'm just tryna get you out the friend zone

Has the term "friend zone" ever been used by anyone who wasn't a complete tool? "I'm nice, so she should want to sleep with me!" Yes, that is how it works. Because women don't get to have male friends. They're either cold and aloof or they're sleeping with you.

Cause you look even better than the photos

So...you haven't actually seen her in person? Or you think this is a compliment? Or you're an incredibly lazy songwriter (or team of 4 songwriters) who thinks the words "promo, low-low, zone, and photos" form any sort of actual rhyme scheme?

The Weeknd's lyrics are just window dressing, though. You're not supposed to listen to them, you're absolutely not supposed to think about them. You're just supposed to swallow your ecstasy, black out, and wake up next to a possibly-dead hooker who has one of your kidneys in her purse.

I can't find your house, send me the info

Who is this song for? If I'm a woman, I have a dude talking about how good my pictures look, whining about the friend zone and looking for my house. If I'm a dude, I've got some jerk trying to sleep with my girl. Is this guy trying to please the under-served stalker demographic? Because The Police already locked down that market back in '83.

Drivin' through the gated residential
Found out I was comin' sent your friends home

So you're dropping in as a surprise, Mr. Weeknd? Because if that's the case, this lady should keep her friends home and call the LAPD to come and pick up the dude whose been peeping in on her yoga class for the past 4 weeks.

Keep on tryna hide it, but your friends know

Wanna talk about a limited vocabulary? In 8 lines, we have used "friend" or "friends" 3 separate times. Not as a motif, either. Just, couldn't come up with anything else, I guess. Not "Keep on tryna hide it, girl, they know" or "Keep on tryna hide it, but it still shows" or "Keep on starin' at you through the window." All of those work with the rhythm of the song. This took me 33 seconds.

Chorus time!

I only call you when it's half past five
The only time that I'll be by your side

Which five? Like, 5:30 am seems too early for an illicit tryst, since no one really wants to be woken up at that hour, especially after a night of dropping E and nearly drowning in the toilet. But 5:30 pm is not optimum cheating time, because it's too early. Everyone's still awake at 5:30 in the afternoon. Heck, since the song's title implies an LA setting, at 5:30 everyone's stuck on the 405, a half hour into their 4 hour long, 3 mile drive home.

I only love it when you touch me, not feel me

Because genuine human emotion is something we dare not promote. Again: who is this song for? Even stalkers generally want more than just a one-time encounter. So I guess this song is for serial killers?

When I'm f***ed up, that's the real me
When I'm f***ed up that's the real me, yeah.

Actually, getting messed up means you're not the real you. I hate to point out the obvious, but the chemicals coursing through your veins are probably going to alter your decision-making abilities while masking your true personality. Unless we're to assume that the "real" James Brown liked to beat his wife with a lead pipe and take police on multi-state car chases or the "real" John Bonham enjoyed choking to death on his own puke, I think it's safe to say that when you're f***ed up, you're not the real you.

Now, you may be so full of self-loathing that you wish the real you was as interesting as drunk you, but since this song isn't supposed to elicit any emotional response beyond breaking a glowstick and drinking its contents, I will assume that you are not anywhere near that self-aware, Mr. Nd.

I only f*** you when it's half past five.

Couple things:

1) Yes, you can curse. We are all very impressed. In fact, you have used the same curse word in 3 consecutive lines. You do know there's other curse words, right? I know it would require effort, though, and you're clearly just here for a paycheck. Need proof? See point #2!

2) You're trying to get the girl out of the friend zone (Source: Line 3, this song). You don't know where the woman's house is (Line 5). But you have "business" with the lady (Line 2). Also you call and/or engage in extramarital relations with her at 5:30 am and/or pm.

Did anyone proofread this? I know I'm not the ideal audience, since I'm not currently writing this while huffing paint in a club whose theme is French torture implements of the 1730s. But this song is just a list of "I'm dangerous...and sexy...dangerously sexy" cliches, tossed into a blender and rearranged onto a page. It doesn't matter that it's contradictory nonsense, because no one's listening anyway.

The only time I'd ever call you mine.

Well, since you're only seeing her during the times her man is out of town, I'd say that's a pretty good conclusion. Is the rest of this song necessary? Can it just be an instrumental from this point forward?

After that line he repeats the touching, not feeling bit and then insists once more that he is absolutely himself when his personality has been altered by jackhammering heroin into his eyes. Then the next verse begins, and it is bad enough to make me long for the first verse again.

I'mma let you know and keep it simple
Tryna keep it up don't seem so simple

You thought I was joking when I said this was worse, didn't you?

Who looked at that and said "Yep, that's the best I can do. No need to attempt to fix that."? I'm serious, this might be the worst-written song I've ever reviewed for this blog, and I have reviewed 2 bro-country songs!

I just f***ed two bitches fore I saw you
And you gon' have to do it at my tempo.

What a catch. So, the woman in this song can't find anyone better to be her man on the side? Good. With any luck, everyone in this song's hypothetical scenario (The Weeknd, the cheating lady, the man who's stupid enough not to ditch the woman who is cheating on him with The Weeknd) will be dead of syphilis within a year. Actually, late-stage syphilis causes insanity, which might explain the lyrical nonsense. It's as good a theory as any.

Always tryna send me off to rehab

Jerks. Just because someone enjoys popping some MDMA, breaking a mirror with their face, eating some glass, growing their hair to look like a pineapple, stealing a cop car, and driving it through the front door of an abandoned Food Lion does not mean that person needs to go to rehab. Dang nanny state, trying to tell me what's good for me.

Drugs started feelin' like its decaf

Not even the gumption to name which drug? There's plenty of drugs that meet the syllabic rhythm of the song, and you're too lazy to even name one. I think this dude is actually named "The Weeknd" because he didn't want to exert the effort needed to hit the "e" key a third time. It's also super annoying to type his name. (Apparently it's to avoid copyright infringement with a Canadian band. Searching for them produces 10 pages of songs by this guy. It sucks to be them.)

I'm just tryna live life for the moment

I'm just trying to imagine life if everyone was as unimaginative and lazy as this guy. I think I'll type this section without using anymore "e"'s, just to see:

Th philosophy of living for the momnt is not, in and of itslf, a bad one. Hck, no lss a figur than Jsus said not to worry about tomorrow, bcause today has nough troubl for itslf (Matthw, 6:34). But whn your "living for the momnt" statmnt is about scrwing yourslf and othrs up, I hav a hard tim bliving you'r anything mor than an argumnt against post-Industrial cultur. For crying out loud, you liv in a tim of unprcdntd tchnological advancmnts, and your rspons to thos advancmnts is to look for a stram of constant slf-gratification, aftr which you have the gall to claim that you ar "living for the momnt." Bit m.

And that, children, is why this guy's name is stupid and his song sucks and good Lord please I am so tired just let it end.

And all these motherf***ers want a relapse

This has nothing to do with the previous line. It's only tangentially related to the drugs line from above, since if he's using so much that they "feel like decaf" then he's already relapsed. I feel like I am the only person (including the songwriters) who actually read this.

I don't want a relapse, dude, I just want you to write something resembling coherent lyrics.

The chorus loops again, with no more changes or sense involved. In the video, a car explodes, though. That's nice, isn't it? And then there's a bridge. A burning bridge, covered in the blood of songwriters who write meaningful, impactful lyrics for songs that will never be listened to because they don't have $3 million worth of production noises behind them.

The hills have eyes, the hills have eyes

The 1977 horror classic? Or the crappy 2006 remake? (I can assure you it is the 2nd. Mr Late-Friday/Saturday/Sunday has no idea there was an original. I would bet actual money on this.) Either way, I don't know why I'm surprised that there's a completely nonsensical line here. I should have expected nothing less.

Who are you to judge, who are you to judge?

This is one of those things that annoys me. Lots of time people living questionable lifestyles like to play the "only God can judge me" card, like God's gonna go "Oh, yeah, I'm totally down with meth." Look, dude, you're bragging about cheating, promiscuous sex, and drug use, and it has netted you multiple #1 singles. You're not a sympathetic figure, quit acting persecuted.

Hide your lies girl, hide your lies

Because only real men are allowed to record their lies and make money off of them.

Only you to trust, only you

"I only trust this one! Prrrrrrobably shouldn't have slept with those other women and then recorded it and then sold that recording to millions of people worldwide."

The song then concludes with a woman softly singing in Amharic, an Ethiopian tongue that is The Weeknd's native language. It is soft and beautiful and haunting and completely wasted on this piece of music.

Recommended Alternative Listening: Well, if you're looking for something to set the mood, you can go for literally anything by Marvin Gaye. Seriously, "What's Goin' On" is an anthem about social change and it's still sexier than this song. (Also, typing in Marvin Gaye into YouTube now produces a Charlie Puth/Meghan Trainor song before anything by the actual R&B legend. I hate my generation.) If you need something newer, try slower Alabama Shakes tunes like "Sound and Color." Hurry, before that Apple Ad ruins that song!

Also, if you keep listening to The Weeknd, I ask that you not kidnap and murder anyone. That would seem to be obvious, but if you're willingly listening to the Weeknd, then I really do have to spell it out for you.