"Artist:" Lukas Graham
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 6 (Peak: 2)
Video Link: What is it with Scandinavians and black and white film?
Review: So, last time out I asked if there was a genre more annoying than the "It's hard being famous" song. Unfortunately, I got my answer--there is a more annoying genre. It's the "people who are younger than me whining about aging" song!
I teach history. I get the appeal of looking at the past and I understand the temptation to do so wistfully.* Heck, I'm closing in on 30--I understand the transitions that come with leaving behind the last years that can reasonably be described as one's "youth" while facing the terrifying monolith of aging.
That does not give anyone (whether you're a confusingly named Danish band or a whiny British guy backed up by a rapper with a goofy name) the right to write a terrible pop song about getting older. (Or to write terrible Buzzfeed articles about how great our generation had it growing up. Literally every generation thinks that. Shut up.)
Here come the lyrics:
Once I was seven years old
SO WAS I! Ohmigawd I take it all back this song speaks to me so much I wish I could marry it.
My momma told me
Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely.
Yeesh. I'm an antisocial jerk roughly 99% of the time and even I was capable of making friends at age 7. It's not difficult. You meet a person who does not immediately attempt to make you eat the pea gravel on the playground. They are now your friend, congratulations. The 2 of you will celebrate by eating some pea gravel together.
I'm being too harsh. After all, the title of the song is "7 Years" what other nuggets do these Danish rapscallions have to tell us about that critical time?
Once I was seven years old
That's...that's it? You titled the song about one exchange with your mom telling you to get out of the house and annoy someone else? And then we just get a piano fill?
Please remember, this song is supposed to be deep. If you show this to 10 people between the ages of 15-30, I guarantee you will offend at least one of them because they like this song because it speaks to the problems they have. So, reader, any time you think I'm being too harsh on this song, just remember that it is supposed to be meaningful and impactful. (Also, you should totally show it to people to see if it offends them. My pageviews are how I judge my worth as a human being.)
It was a big big world, but we thought we were bigger.
Pushing each other to the limits we were learning quicker.
By eleven smoking herb and drinking burning liquor.
So what you're saying is that Ma should have been a bit more specific when you were 7? You're sure you didn't miss an exchange at 8 or 9 about maybe not hanging with the kid who reeks of skunk weed and is repeating 3rd grade for the 4th time?
And I get that tinkering with drugs and booze is a part of a lot of peoples' lives, but that's high school/college stuff, man. You usually hear "I started drinking at 11" from either glam rappers looking for street cred or from someone with facial tattoos and a nickname like "Killer" or "Animal" or "Cuddle Bear." Prisons are weird places.
Never rich so we were out to make that steady figure
...by spending your money on pot and booze? Good Lord, you were a really stupid kid.
Once I was eleven years old
"And I was about to jam a needle full of heroin and Drano into my neck when my dad walks in..."
My daddy told me
Go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely.
Once I was eleven years old.
At 11? What is this, medieval Europe where you have to reproduce by 15 or risk not spreading your precious genetic material? Gotta have more hands so the lord of the manor gets his portion? Is the next verse about how the plague came and killed most of your village?
I always had that dream like my daddy before me,
Which dream? Marriage or, like, something else?
So I started writing songs I started writing stories
Could you have picked a better-written one to record, then?
Something about that glory
Just always seemed to bore me.
What glory? The glory of marriage? The glory of songwriting?
Either way, 2 lines ago you "always had that dream" but now it bores you?! Pardon my bluntness and slight profanity here, but make up your damn mind, you whining little Danish puke.
Cause only those I really love will ever really know me.
Oh, so you're like every other human being to ever exist on the planet, then? And we'll never really know you? And lines like this are a dime a dozen in the history of popular music?
Cool, then you stop singing so I can stop writing and we can all pretend that this miserable fart of a song was never wafted onto our airwaves.
Once I was twenty years old,
my stories got told,
before the morning sun
when life was lonely
Once I was twenty years old
Songwriter 1: Hey, guys, we're on the part where we're 20. What do I put there?
Songwriters 2-4, in unison: Doesn't matter. Kids should already be making out and/or whimsically remembering years they haven't actually lived yet. Just slap some words down. Do it quick, we're gonna go get lunch.
I only see my goals, I don't believe in failure
This explains so much. Your goal was to write a hit song, which is why you can't believe that you've actually failed at writing a good song.
Cause I know the smallest voices, they can make it major
Provided that they hit the proper note range, are from a first-world country, and are willing to prostitute themselves to the lowest-common-denominator machine that is 21st century songcraft, yes.
The next few lines are uninteresting, so we'll skip ahead.
Once I was twenty years old,
My story got told
I was writing about everything I saw before me.
And this bland, uninspired, insipid crap is what you saw before you? Life was more interesting at eleven than it was at twenty for you? Jeez, Denmark must suck.
This actually explains the Vikings pretty well, truth be told.
Soon we'll be thirty years old.
Thanks for the reminder. Anyone wanna pay me a few thousand bucks to whine about it for 4 minutes?
Our songs have been sold
We've traveled around the world
and we're still roaming
Soon we'll be thirty years old
Somewhere there is a 43 year old former-songwriter who wrote personal, painful songs but never hit it big. He/She is now serving Grand Slams at a Denny's in Kentucky. This set of lines seems designed to make that person commit suicide.
I'm still learning about life
my woman brought children for me
So I can sing them all my songs
and I can tell them stories
Tell them a less crappy one. Maybe include some details. Or tell them that fun tale about that time you called their mom "your woman" on a hit single, that one will segue nicely into the story about how your woman gave you a concussion when you told her to make you a sammich.
Most of my boys are with me
Some are still out seeking glory
And some I had to leave behind
My brother I'm still sorry
See, that story? The one about the friend you had to leave behind and you regret it? That is probably a story worth listening to. Instead of that interesting chapter of life, though, you have opted to show us the table of contents and go "Man, some of these chapters sound really cool don't they?!"
Soon I'll be sixty years old
Bit of a leap there, but if you're promising 30 years before I have to hear another song by you, I will take it!
My daddy got sixty-one
Remember life and then your life becomes a better one
I made a man so happy when I wrote a letter once
I hope my children come and visit once or twice a month
Yeah, not gonna make fun of a dude's dad dying. Move along.
Soon I'll be sixty years old,
will I think the world is cold?
Probably. Basically everyone thinks the world was better when they were younger. First recorded complaint by a parent about "this lazy young generation" comes from 2500 BC. We're not going to be any different. Sorry, guys.
Or will I have a lot of children who can warm me.
Better hope so. Denmark is frigid.
Anyhow, some older lines repeat and then we're done. Thankfully.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Good Lord that was a long song. Let's keep this section brief. You like crappy nostalgia? Previous generations have that covered in spades. Try most Kenny Chesney or Bob Seger. Alternatively, here is a Bob Seger song that doesn't suck.
That has nothing to do with this section, I put that there in the hopes that Lukas Graham's next song will not suck. But I am not holding out much hope.
*--Even though you shouldn't. Seriously, history is grim and depressing and full of episodes where people stabbed/shot/skinned-alive other people because of some resources or because of the level of melanin in their skin or because they think the deity of their choice told them to. It's also full of unnecessary footnotes, overlong papers, and weird citation styles that no one else anywhere ever uses (McDowell, 2016).
