"Artist:" Mike Posner
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 5 (Current Peak)
Absolutely NSFW Video Link to the Successful Version: Good Lord, people. At least try to make this difficult.
Video Link to the Actually-Not-That-Bad Original: Same words, less electronica.
Review: Is there any genre of song more annoying than the "it's so hard to be famous" shtick? A celebrity's fame is literally the easiest thing for them to get rid of. You can stop performing. You can say something racist. You can release a country album. Lots of ways to lose your fame.
One way to not lose your fame? Record a song about how difficult it is to be famous and have it be your biggest hit since 2010. Lyrics!
I took a pill in Ibiza to show Avicii I was cool
Mistake #1: Attempting to do anything to show Avicii you're cool. "Avicii" is actually Swedish for "talentless hack who loops electronic music designed to be listened to by people who are so high on ecstasy that they think they're actually enjoying repetitive nonsense that sounds like a Super Nintendo being beaten with a brick."
Swedish is a very efficient language.
And when I finally got sober, felt 10 years older
But f*** it, it was something to do.
MDMA: The cure for boredom!
I'm living out in LA
Breaking new ground, here. Careful, Posner, next thing you're gonna do is sing something about how your material possessions are, like, totally fake, bro.
I drive a sports car just to prove,
I'm a real big baller 'cause I made a million dollars
And I spend it on girls and shoes
Sorry for going 3 lines without any jokes, but this is just so boring. It would be like writing corn jokes about Iowa--once you've heard one, you've heard them all.
Again, our songwriter is complaining that he drives a sports car. Now, I will never make fun of addiction, because that's a compulsion that is hard to stare down, hence the lack of jokes about "just not doing drugs" for the opening lines. But I will absolutely mock someone's crappy spending habits.
No one made you buy that Maserati or those vintage Jordans, Mike. You could just drive a Nissan, date a non-gold-digger, and wear the same pair of shoes more than 1 day in a row. That is not that dang hard, it's what most of us do, oh, every single day. This is in the Top 5. Who the heck is buying this song?
But you don't really wanna be high like me
Never really knowing why like me
"Listen, middle- or lower-class listener. I know having a fast car, elaborate shoe collection, beautiful women, millions in the bank, and the ability to openly confess to drug use on a hit single without the fear of legal reprisal sounds great, but it's really hard you guys."
Isn't, like, all glam-rap the opposite of this song?
You don't wanna step off that roller coaster and be all alone.
First off, crappy line delivery. This doesn't fit the song's meter at all.
Second: My wife doesn't like roller coasters. I have to ride them alone. It's not that bad.
You don't want to ride the bus like this
Didn't you just say you drove a sports car?
Never knowing who to trust like this
You don't wanna be stuck up on that stage singing
Stuck up on that stage singing.
Again, being famous? Performing? Your motherfletching decision. You don't like it? You feel like fame is phony? You can become a waste management technician. Literally no one is stopping you.
Honestly, I'm less offended by the lyrics and more offended by the audience at this point. It's entirely possible Posner wrote this song to himself, for himself. Or to discourage potential future competitors (jerk). But why the heck are McDonald's workers and mall clerks going "Yes, a famous person complaining about fame. This is something I should listen to and enjoy."?
Why is a high school history teacher spending his precious free time writing about it? Why does everything suddenly smell and taste like burning sulfur?
All I know are sad songs, sad songs
Darling, all I know are sad songs, sad songs
Then you've either forgotten your previous work or are a liar. Your pick.
In the remix, these lines are followed by a truly awful musical fill that features the basic beat looping perpetually with some guy pushing, like, 4 random keys on his synthesizer. This is currently performing better than all but 4 songs on the market right now. Just...had to remind you of that.
I'm just a singer who already blew his shot
Hence why this is performing so poorly. Seriously, at least make me work when I write.
I get along with old timers, 'cause my name's a reminder
of a pop song people forgot
"Old Timers" are apparently people who remember the ancient year of 2010. You know, the long-ago Obama administration, when people were obsessed with their smartphones and music was facing a crisis of shallow, disposable electro-pop dominating the market. Gawd, that was so long ago.
And I can't keep a girl, no,
'Cause as soon as the sun comes up
I cut 'em all loose, and work's my excuse
But the truth is I can't open up
Look, I'm a married guy who deeply loves his wife. But there's a huge contingent of people (male and female) who would be totally OK with perfect 10s throwing themselves at them. This video is chock-full of beautiful women tossing themselves haphazardly at a giant papier-mâché Mike Posner, with literally no evidence that there's anything bad about that.
All I'm saying is, if you're looking for sympathy as the tortured artist who can't open his heart to a woman, maybe consider cutting that from your video.
Chorus loops again after this. Also, the video features a dude puking. It's an accurate depiction of how I experienced the song the first time through.
And...that's it. 4 minutes of crap. At least it has the decency to be over.
Recommended Alternative Listening: This might be the easiest this section's ever been. First off, any of the Posner singles from his previous album, if you're into that. Alternatively, try Brad Paisley's "Celebrity" or David Bowie's "Fame." Either way, just...stop listening to songs like this.
