So, without further ado, here's the songs Clear Channel has decided that you like:
#10. "Don't" by Ed Sheerhan
Look at this face:
Tell me you don't want to punch that until it is an unrecognizable pulp. And if you don't, then look at it again:
And you keep looking at it until you want to punch it into an unrecognizable pulp.
OK, I'll confess, I shouldn't let a personal desire to kick the crap out of a guy fuel my disgust of the song. I'll let my disgust of the song fuel itself. This is a whiny Livejournal post from 2003 set to music. There are great heartache songs written by spurned men and women from a place of deep anger. This is a guy recounting what happened and recording it on a track that does nothing new or interesting. He does say the f word, though. I guess that's supposed to impress us--it really does nothing for me but add to the whole "pissy high schooler" vibe that the song already has.
#9: "Hot N****" by Bobby Shmurda
Huh. A generic rap song that's gained popularity because of a dance move? Never heard one of those before. If I had heard one of them, I'm sure the artist who performed it is still rich and successful and well-known today. Bobby has a bright future ahead of him.
#8: "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith
This song is the equivalent of listening to a man cry for three and a half minutes. The dude is--wait, I found a never-before-seen picture of Sam Smith:
#7: "Animals" by Maroon 5 (Fair warning, the video is less "sexy" more "utterly terrifying.")
Honestly, I have no issue with most of Maroon 5's stuff. But the goal of this album (or at least the first two singles) seems to be to remind us that Adam Levine can hit high notes. Did you know he can hit high notes? He can hit high notes. Hiiiiiiiiiiigh notes. We get it, Maroon 5. Please go back to making stuff like "Stutter" and "Harder to Breathe" and songs that have guitar parts and music that we can hear over your lead singer's caterwauling.
#6: "Don't Tell 'Em" by Jeremih
I promise you, reader--the following is the actual chorus of this song:
Don't tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
You ain't even,
Don't tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
You ain't even
You ain't even gotta tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
You ain't even
Don't tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
You ain't even
You ain't even gotta tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
How do you make fun of that?! It's unmockable. To steal a line directly from the humor wizards at Penny Arcade, it's like making fun of a clown. What are you going to poke fun at? I'm more concerned with the callousness the music industry exhibited by releasing this song. It's pretty clear Jeremih had a stroke in the studio, and instead of taking him to the hospital, they recorded it and released it as a single.
#5: "Habits (Stay High)" by Tove Lo
The lyrics tell a tale of a woman engaging in rampant self-destructive behavior because her beau left. Great message. Next time, adopt a freaking cat.
#4: "Black Widow" by Iggy Azalea
(Go to the 1:45 mark if you want to hear the song. You fool)
We've already talked about everyone's favorite awful Australian hip-hop starlet. Now here she is with "Bunny Boiling: the Song!" Our last two numbers have been about angry or depressed ladies regarding former relationships. Let's change that with an awful, awful change of pace.
#3: "Bang Bang" by Jessie J
Here we have an example of a common misconception. The ability to sing loud does not mean that you can sing well. Budding pop singers, please take note. Also, as a note to the six motherfletching songwriters, here's a link to the dictionary.com definition for "subtlety." Try using it sometime, OK?!
#2: "Shake it Off" by Taylor Swift
If you play the rap section of this song backwards, you won't hear any secret messages telling you to kill yourself. Which actually means that listening to the song in reverse is better than listening to it forwards, because I can assure you that listening to it "normally" will test your will to live.
#1: "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor
Hey, music-buying public. Couple things here:
1) "Catchy" does not mean "good." Stop confusing the two.
2) The line "I'm bringing booty back" is totally true! (If you're willing to ignore basically every mainstream rap song and multiple country tunes wherein the male singers talk about how much they appreciate a good-sized rear end, that is...)
3) Curvy women are awesome. I agree. So are skinny ladies. Unbelievably, it's possible for people to be attractive regardless of hair color, race, or body type. Quit with the "real women have curves" rhetoric. "Real women" come in all shapes and sizes, regardless of whether or not they have "a little more booty to hold at night." (That is an actual line, honest to goodness.)
4) This isn't doo-wop. Quit classifying it as such. Go listen to the Platters and stop listening to this Möbius strip of a song.
Well, that's it for this week! See you again whenever the Top 10 is rancid enough for me to complain about!
