#10: "Hey Mama" by David Guetta (Featuring Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha, Afrojack, the 1987 Boston Celtics, and a Cray Supercomputer that attained sentience but then did a lot of acid)
...And we open our Top 10 with a song that isn't supposed to be enjoyed sober. Or, I assume this isn't supposed to be enjoyed sober. It's club music featuring lines so misogynistic that the friggin' Taliban could get behind the message if they didn't think their god had banned things like "pop music" and "electricity" and "joy."
I'm not joking, guys. There's some straight up 1850s-style junk in here:
Yes I be whatever that you tell me when you ready...
Yes I do the cooking,
Yes I do the cleaning...
Yes you be the boss,
Yes I be respecting...
Never mind, I was wrong. There's nothing creepy at all about a 47 year old white dude putting his name on a track where lyrics like that are sung by a black woman.
#9: "Where Are Ü Now" by Skrillex, Diplo, and Justin Bieber
There is only one explanation for this: a failed assassination attempt.
Follow me: The hatred for Justin Bieber is legendary. Ever since the dubstep bubble burst a few years back, Skrillex is considered a joke. No one knows who Diplo is, but allowing yourself to be called "Diplo" in public is reason enough for someone to want you dead. So the would-be assassins invited their trio of victims over, planning on electrocuting them with a faulty soundboard. The device worked, but the voltage wasn't high enough. The two "musicians" seized and thrashed, creating a series of random noises, while the "singer" screeched absurdly high notes that resembled lyrics.
Realizing their failure, the assassins pretended it was all normal and released the song as a single, adding an unnecessary umlaut in a desperate attempt to anger the Germans into killing the three. It has not worked. Yet.
#8: "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten
Nothing too egregious in the lyrics here; it's basically just Sara Bareilles's "Brave" sung from the first person perspective. I am, however, looking forward to hearing people complain that our high school's band is playing the fight song all wrong because it doesn't sound a thing like this one.
#7: "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon
I liked this song when it came out. Then I heard it roughly 3 billion times on the radio, as backing music in ads, and in restaurants. At this point, I would like to remove the "and Dance" part from the title.
#6: "Trap Queen" by Fetty Wap
I already reviewed this one in-depth, so you can read that if you'd like. This song's been in the Top 10 long enough that Mr. Wap should have a pretty good amount of cash now. Hopefully he uses it to buy some singing lessons.
#5: "Watch Me" by Silento
A collection of one-hit wonder rap dances all rolled into one song. Awesome.
Can we just skip to the part where this guy's working at a McDonalds, or do we have to pretend he's relevant for the requisite 2 months before forgetting about his existence?
#4: "Bad Blood" by Taylor Swift (inexplicably featuring Kendrick Lamar)
Already did this one, too! Did Kendrick Lamar lose a bet?
#3: "Can't Feel My Face" by The Weeknd
I really want to do one of this guy's songs in the near future. It's too late to do the extra-super-creepy one from Fifty Shades of Grey's soundtrack, but if the current song is any indication, this guy will keep cranking out songs best enjoyed while peeping in on unsuspecting women.
As for the song's subject matter--let's play a game. Here is a sentence, with four possible contexts and outcomes below:
"Oh, I want it so bad, but I know it will wind up hurting me in the end!"
*If you said that about fatty foods, most people will tell you to hit the gym and change your diet before you die of a massive heart attack. This is a good response.
*If you say that about drugs or alcohol, most people will tell you to seek help or counseling before you wind up killing yourself. This is a good response.
*If you say that about a relationship, most people will tilt their heads understandingly. Some will even tell you to go for it, knowing that it will end in utter misery. This is not a good response.
*If you say that about a relationship and record it, people will buy your music and you will make it into the Top 5 on Billboard. The only person to criticize you will be a minor league blogger with too much time on his hands. This is also not a good response.
#2: "See You Again" by Wiz Khalifa (featuring Charlie Puth)
A surprisingly heartfelt tune by a guy whose lone previous hit was about his car. I won't make fun of the lyrics for this one. Instead, I'll make fun of the audience!
This song's been getting a lot of play amongst my friends, who listen to it and let go a world-weary sigh, whilst gazing back at the simple, easy past with nostalgia.
Cut that crap out.
We're in our 20s and our early 30s. I refuse to stare longingly back at the first quarter of my life like it's the friggin' Wonder Years. We have more ahead of us than behind us, and it is critical that we make sure our future is an improvement upon our past. I can't speak for you, but I think my best years are ahead of me, not behind me.
And if that didn't end your retrospective navel-gazing, maybe this will: The whole "lookin' back at my life" genre of music extended the shelf lives of both Bob Seger and Kenny Chesney. That alone should get you to stop listening to songs like this.
#1: "Cheerleader" by OMI
And we arrive at the other end of the misogyny bookends of the Top 10! This song (well, the pop remix of it that's at the top of the charts) is a classic example of catchiness allowing you to get away with lyrics that would normally get you slapped:
She grants my wishes
like a genie in a bottle
On the bright side, that's mixed with a dash of un-subtle innuendo:
I'm the wizard of love
And I got the magic wand
Along with some "Honey, I'm Good" style bragging, with pretty girls throwing themselves at our singer, who bravely does not cheat on his girlfriend. I mean, I'm digging the pro-monogamy messages that are hitting the Top 10--now can we make their delivery suck less?
And that is all for this week! This feature will return the next time the Top 10 is horrible enough to vindicate wasting my precious life away typing in front of a screen.
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