"Artist:" The Weeknd (No, I didn't misspell that.)
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 6 (Peak: 1, for 6 weeks. I didn't misspell that either.)
Video Link, for people who are bad at symbolism and directing videos: Here.
Review: I know it's not my job to be the morality police. Just because I was born with a rare genetic disease rendering me incapable of feeling joy doesn't mean everyone else has to be as miserable as I am. Watching people experience fun makes me feel like a space alien observing a species with which I have only a passing familiarity, but I'm getting better at comprehending humans' strange rituals. Experience has enabled me to understand how someone could enjoy, say, dancing--I don't get it, but there's no reason you shouldn't do it if that floats your boat.
But there's some things I really don't understand--like how anyone can enjoy music made by The Weeknd. Back in July I expressed a desire to review one of this guy's songs, because they're all super creepy. Fortunately, he did not disappoint with this one either! Check out the words:
Your man on the road, he doin' promo
You said keep our business on the low-low
Right out the gate with a cheating reference! That's pretty impressive! Even more impressive is the filter placed on his voice--really adds to the "I watch you through your windows while you sleep" vibe of the song. Also, isn't The Weeknd a singer? Wouldn't he be more likely to be doing "promo" than his paramour's partner?
No, wait, my bad, it's a Weeknd song. I am not supposed to think.
I'm just tryna get you out the friend zone
Has the term "friend zone" ever been used by anyone who wasn't a complete tool? "I'm nice, so she should want to sleep with me!" Yes, that is how it works. Because women don't get to have male friends. They're either cold and aloof or they're sleeping with you.
Cause you look even better than the photos
So...you haven't actually seen her in person? Or you think this is a compliment? Or you're an incredibly lazy songwriter (or team of 4 songwriters) who thinks the words "promo, low-low, zone, and photos" form any sort of actual rhyme scheme?
The Weeknd's lyrics are just window dressing, though. You're not supposed to listen to them, you're absolutely not supposed to think about them. You're just supposed to swallow your ecstasy, black out, and wake up next to a possibly-dead hooker who has one of your kidneys in her purse.
I can't find your house, send me the info
Who is this song for? If I'm a woman, I have a dude talking about how good my pictures look, whining about the friend zone and looking for my house. If I'm a dude, I've got some jerk trying to sleep with my girl. Is this guy trying to please the under-served stalker demographic? Because The Police already locked down that market back in '83.
Drivin' through the gated residential
Found out I was comin' sent your friends home
So you're dropping in as a surprise, Mr. Weeknd? Because if that's the case, this lady should keep her friends home and call the LAPD to come and pick up the dude whose been peeping in on her yoga class for the past 4 weeks.
Keep on tryna hide it, but your friends know
Wanna talk about a limited vocabulary? In 8 lines, we have used "friend" or "friends" 3 separate times. Not as a motif, either. Just, couldn't come up with anything else, I guess. Not "Keep on tryna hide it, girl, they know" or "Keep on tryna hide it, but it still shows" or "Keep on starin' at you through the window." All of those work with the rhythm of the song. This took me 33 seconds.
Chorus time!
I only call you when it's half past five
The only time that I'll be by your side
Which five? Like, 5:30 am seems too early for an illicit tryst, since no one really wants to be woken up at that hour, especially after a night of dropping E and nearly drowning in the toilet. But 5:30 pm is not optimum cheating time, because it's too early. Everyone's still awake at 5:30 in the afternoon. Heck, since the song's title implies an LA setting, at 5:30 everyone's stuck on the 405, a half hour into their 4 hour long, 3 mile drive home.
I only love it when you touch me, not feel me
Because genuine human emotion is something we dare not promote. Again: who is this song for? Even stalkers generally want more than just a one-time encounter. So I guess this song is for serial killers?
When I'm f***ed up, that's the real me
When I'm f***ed up that's the real me, yeah.
Actually, getting messed up means you're not the real you. I hate to point out the obvious, but the chemicals coursing through your veins are probably going to alter your decision-making abilities while masking your true personality. Unless we're to assume that the "real" James Brown liked to beat his wife with a lead pipe and take police on multi-state car chases or the "real" John Bonham enjoyed choking to death on his own puke, I think it's safe to say that when you're f***ed up, you're not the real you.
Now, you may be so full of self-loathing that you wish the real you was as interesting as drunk you, but since this song isn't supposed to elicit any emotional response beyond breaking a glowstick and drinking its contents, I will assume that you are not anywhere near that self-aware, Mr. Nd.
I only f*** you when it's half past five.
Couple things:
1) Yes, you can curse. We are all very impressed. In fact, you have used the same curse word in 3 consecutive lines. You do know there's other curse words, right? I know it would require effort, though, and you're clearly just here for a paycheck. Need proof? See point #2!
2) You're trying to get the girl out of the friend zone (Source: Line 3, this song). You don't know where the woman's house is (Line 5). But you have "business" with the lady (Line 2). Also you call and/or engage in extramarital relations with her at 5:30 am and/or pm.
Did anyone proofread this? I know I'm not the ideal audience, since I'm not currently writing this while huffing paint in a club whose theme is French torture implements of the 1730s. But this song is just a list of "I'm dangerous...and sexy...dangerously sexy" cliches, tossed into a blender and rearranged onto a page. It doesn't matter that it's contradictory nonsense, because no one's listening anyway.
The only time I'd ever call you mine.
Well, since you're only seeing her during the times her man is out of town, I'd say that's a pretty good conclusion. Is the rest of this song necessary? Can it just be an instrumental from this point forward?
After that line he repeats the touching, not feeling bit and then insists once more that he is absolutely himself when his personality has been altered by jackhammering heroin into his eyes. Then the next verse begins, and it is bad enough to make me long for the first verse again.
I'mma let you know and keep it simple
Tryna keep it up don't seem so simple
You thought I was joking when I said this was worse, didn't you?
Who looked at that and said "Yep, that's the best I can do. No need to attempt to fix that."? I'm serious, this might be the worst-written song I've ever reviewed for this blog, and I have reviewed 2 bro-country songs!
I just f***ed two bitches fore I saw you
And you gon' have to do it at my tempo.
What a catch. So, the woman in this song can't find anyone better to be her man on the side? Good. With any luck, everyone in this song's hypothetical scenario (The Weeknd, the cheating lady, the man who's stupid enough not to ditch the woman who is cheating on him with The Weeknd) will be dead of syphilis within a year. Actually, late-stage syphilis causes insanity, which might explain the lyrical nonsense. It's as good a theory as any.
Always tryna send me off to rehab
Jerks. Just because someone enjoys popping some MDMA, breaking a mirror with their face, eating some glass, growing their hair to look like a pineapple, stealing a cop car, and driving it through the front door of an abandoned Food Lion does not mean that person needs to go to rehab. Dang nanny state, trying to tell me what's good for me.
Drugs started feelin' like its decaf
Not even the gumption to name which drug? There's plenty of drugs that meet the syllabic rhythm of the song, and you're too lazy to even name one. I think this dude is actually named "The Weeknd" because he didn't want to exert the effort needed to hit the "e" key a third time. It's also super annoying to type his name. (Apparently it's to avoid copyright infringement with a Canadian band. Searching for them produces 10 pages of songs by this guy. It sucks to be them.)
I'm just tryna live life for the moment
I'm just trying to imagine life if everyone was as unimaginative and lazy as this guy. I think I'll type this section without using anymore "e"'s, just to see:
Th philosophy of living for the momnt is not, in and of itslf, a bad one. Hck, no lss a figur than Jsus said not to worry about tomorrow, bcause today has nough troubl for itslf (Matthw, 6:34). But whn your "living for the momnt" statmnt is about scrwing yourslf and othrs up, I hav a hard tim bliving you'r anything mor than an argumnt against post-Industrial cultur. For crying out loud, you liv in a tim of unprcdntd tchnological advancmnts, and your rspons to thos advancmnts is to look for a stram of constant slf-gratification, aftr which you have the gall to claim that you ar "living for the momnt." Bit m.
And that, children, is why this guy's name is stupid and his song sucks and good Lord please I am so tired just let it end.
And all these motherf***ers want a relapse
This has nothing to do with the previous line. It's only tangentially related to the drugs line from above, since if he's using so much that they "feel like decaf" then he's already relapsed. I feel like I am the only person (including the songwriters) who actually read this.
I don't want a relapse, dude, I just want you to write something resembling coherent lyrics.
The chorus loops again, with no more changes or sense involved. In the video, a car explodes, though. That's nice, isn't it? And then there's a bridge. A burning bridge, covered in the blood of songwriters who write meaningful, impactful lyrics for songs that will never be listened to because they don't have $3 million worth of production noises behind them.
The hills have eyes, the hills have eyes
The 1977 horror classic? Or the crappy 2006 remake? (I can assure you it is the 2nd. Mr Late-Friday/Saturday/Sunday has no idea there was an original. I would bet actual money on this.) Either way, I don't know why I'm surprised that there's a completely nonsensical line here. I should have expected nothing less.
Who are you to judge, who are you to judge?
This is one of those things that annoys me. Lots of time people living questionable lifestyles like to play the "only God can judge me" card, like God's gonna go "Oh, yeah, I'm totally down with meth." Look, dude, you're bragging about cheating, promiscuous sex, and drug use, and it has netted you multiple #1 singles. You're not a sympathetic figure, quit acting persecuted.
Hide your lies girl, hide your lies
Because only real men are allowed to record their lies and make money off of them.
Only you to trust, only you
"I only trust this one! Prrrrrrobably shouldn't have slept with those other women and then recorded it and then sold that recording to millions of people worldwide."
The song then concludes with a woman softly singing in Amharic, an Ethiopian tongue that is The Weeknd's native language. It is soft and beautiful and haunting and completely wasted on this piece of music.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Well, if you're looking for something to set the mood, you can go for literally anything by Marvin Gaye. Seriously, "What's Goin' On" is an anthem about social change and it's still sexier than this song. (Also, typing in Marvin Gaye into YouTube now produces a Charlie Puth/Meghan Trainor song before anything by the actual R&B legend. I hate my generation.) If you need something newer, try slower Alabama Shakes tunes like "Sound and Color." Hurry, before that Apple Ad ruins that song!
Also, if you keep listening to The Weeknd, I ask that you not kidnap and murder anyone. That would seem to be obvious, but if you're willingly listening to the Weeknd, then I really do have to spell it out for you.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
How to Write A Hit Country Song
Here's a new feature, wherein I (a man with literally no musical talent) will demonstrate how to create hit music. Today, I'll show you how to lyrically compose a modern country song, using a template that has created hit after hit after hit! Let's get started:
I cannot stress this enough.
Pick some aspect of Southern culture to appropriate and turn into a metaphor. There's lots of these: peaches, hot summers,institutionalized racism, swimming, Daisy Dukes, trucks, etc. For today's exercise, I spun a home-made spinner:
And it looks like our subject is going to be everyone's favorite brownish, Sri Lanka-grown, Southern beverage: sweet tea!
Decide whether or not you want your song to be up-tempo or slow. This ultimately matters only because it will determine how brazen your advances on a woman will be. Slow songs tend to be more subtle, as they possess at least a little genuine emotion behind them. This can occasionally lead to meaningful lyrics and songs. Obviously we do not want that for our summer jam, so we will be writing a fast song.
After the requisite strums on the same chord progression as everyone else, you have to shout some generic intro phrase. I'd go with "Aw yeah!" or "Crank it up!" After this, you must hook in your listeners. To that end, open the song with the most stereotypical sentences you possibly can. Something like:
Girl your long tan legs look good in my truck
Tell them old city boys that they're outta luck
With just those 2 lines we have established: this is an attractive/leggy woman who is ours, we own a truck, and this is a country song. It's best to deliver these lines in a thick Southern accent, though. If you don't, people might get confused and think that some godless Communist is playing Bulgarian folk music on their precious 97.5, The Eagle. And no one wants that.
As the lyrics continue, your motto needs to be this "objectify, objectify, objectify." Feelings are boring:
I got 40 inch rims and a case of beer
All I need's your pretty sweet self in here
Boom: truck has expensive body modifications, alcohol is present in case this girl is semi-capable of making her own decisions about what to do with her body, and we nail verse one shut with a catcall. Let's move to...
This is the part of the song that has to be catchy. It's also where you use the aspect of Southern culture that you appropriated earlier. Check it:
Between the chorus and the second verse is a good time to stick in a light banjo riff or some steel guitar. This will defend your country credibility against the omipresent haters who are simply jealous of your songwriting and singing skills.
It's important to note that the second verse of the song doesn't matter at all. It's really only there to satisfy people who insist that songs not just repeat the chorus over and over again, despite the amazingness of the chorus we just wrote. Much like your first verse, just fill this up with as many stereotypes as you can:
It's critical to name-drop at least one country music legend in your song. Sure, "Wurlitzer Prize" would fit about as well in one of your playlists as "Paidushko Horo," and your audience has a 50% chance of spelling "Waylon" correctly, but everyone's pretending to respect Johnny, Willie, Waylon, and Patsy, so you have to as well. (Is that stuff even country? They don't talk about trucks or tight jeans at all.) Play the game, the light at the end of the tunnel is money. Which is the only reason to perform music.
Step 1:) Be a dark-haired male
I cannot stress this enough.
Step 2:) Subject matter
Pick some aspect of Southern culture to appropriate and turn into a metaphor. There's lots of these: peaches, hot summers,
And it looks like our subject is going to be everyone's favorite brownish, Sri Lanka-grown, Southern beverage: sweet tea!
Step 3:) Tempo
Decide whether or not you want your song to be up-tempo or slow. This ultimately matters only because it will determine how brazen your advances on a woman will be. Slow songs tend to be more subtle, as they possess at least a little genuine emotion behind them. This can occasionally lead to meaningful lyrics and songs. Obviously we do not want that for our summer jam, so we will be writing a fast song.
Step 4:) Intro verse
After the requisite strums on the same chord progression as everyone else, you have to shout some generic intro phrase. I'd go with "Aw yeah!" or "Crank it up!" After this, you must hook in your listeners. To that end, open the song with the most stereotypical sentences you possibly can. Something like:
Girl your long tan legs look good in my truck
Tell them old city boys that they're outta luck
With just those 2 lines we have established: this is an attractive/leggy woman who is ours, we own a truck, and this is a country song. It's best to deliver these lines in a thick Southern accent, though. If you don't, people might get confused and think that some godless Communist is playing Bulgarian folk music on their precious 97.5, The Eagle. And no one wants that.
As the lyrics continue, your motto needs to be this "objectify, objectify, objectify." Feelings are boring:
I got 40 inch rims and a case of beer
All I need's your pretty sweet self in here
Boom: truck has expensive body modifications, alcohol is present in case this girl is semi-capable of making her own decisions about what to do with her body, and we nail verse one shut with a catcall. Let's move to...
Step 5:) The Chorus
This is the part of the song that has to be catchy. It's also where you use the aspect of Southern culture that you appropriated earlier. Check it:
My sweet tea, I wanna take a pitcher
Tastes so good every time I go to kiss her.
See how "sweet tea" sounds like "sweetie?" And how "pitcher" sounds like "picture?" This is the sort of clever songwriting that enables you to make lots of money. Also, your target audiences (pretty, vapid girls and men who want to sleep with pretty, vapid girls) love sweet tea! So, even if you think sweet tea has no actual flavor and is only popular because guzzling sugar water isn't socially acceptable, you need to include something like this in your song. Continue to hammer the point home with the remainder of the chorus:
My sweet tea,
Give her all my sugar
Tall and sweet they don't make em any cooler
My sweet tea,
Give her all my sugar
Tall and sweet they don't make em any cooler
Awesome! You have now successfully tortured your metaphor so much that your audience would call Amnesty International if they knew what that organization was or how to spell its name. At this point, you may be worried that you're objectifying women too much or selling your soul to make a quick buck. I would respond by telling you that Florida-Georgia Line made $24 million in 2013, while Hank Williams, Sr. died drunk in the back of a Cadillac.
So...yes, you are condemning yourself to a future damnatio memoriae, but you are making a lot of money in the process, and that is literally the only reason to perform music. Ever.
Step 6:) Musical Fill
Between the chorus and the second verse is a good time to stick in a light banjo riff or some steel guitar. This will defend your country credibility against the omipresent haters who are simply jealous of your songwriting and singing skills.
Step 7:) Second Verse
It's important to note that the second verse of the song doesn't matter at all. It's really only there to satisfy people who insist that songs not just repeat the chorus over and over again, despite the amazingness of the chorus we just wrote. Much like your first verse, just fill this up with as many stereotypes as you can:
Girl we got Waylon cranked to ten
It's critical to name-drop at least one country music legend in your song. Sure, "Wurlitzer Prize" would fit about as well in one of your playlists as "Paidushko Horo," and your audience has a 50% chance of spelling "Waylon" correctly, but everyone's pretending to respect Johnny, Willie, Waylon, and Patsy, so you have to as well. (Is that stuff even country? They don't talk about trucks or tight jeans at all.) Play the game, the light at the end of the tunnel is money. Which is the only reason to perform music.
Partyin' in the cornfield again.
Again, referencing the rural setting of your song. Never mind that corn grows to a height of 7-8 feet, so a party in a cornfield would consist of aimless wandering, shouting to find your friends, failing, and going somewhere less stupid by 9:30. Partying in a cornfield sounds cool, so you should write about it.
Nowhere to be and nothin' to do
Think I'll have another long sip of you
Here, we segue into the chorus again by referencing our extended metaphor. (Dropping the clear sarcasm with which I have written this post: Writing those lines actually made my flesh crawl.)
Here, we segue into the chorus again by referencing our extended metaphor. (Dropping the clear sarcasm with which I have written this post: Writing those lines actually made my flesh crawl.)
Step 8:) Repeat chorus
You put 5 whole minutes of work into it. Get your time's worth.
Step 9:) Bridge
Because you can't just repeat the chorus, you have to write a few more lines. While one of those boring old-school songwriters might use this to add another layer of meaning, or a twist ending to the song, you just need to add 1-2 lines to finish the tune and cash your paycheck.
She looks so damn good I can't sit still
To establish your credibility as a real man, it's important to use a low-grade curse word here. The sort of thing that won't be censored, but will make traditionalists glower at your rebellious attitude, while making the vaguely of-age girls swoon and show their bra straps under the white tank tops and cowgirl hats that they will wear at country concerts precisely once.
To establish your credibility as a real man, it's important to use a low-grade curse word here. The sort of thing that won't be censored, but will make traditionalists glower at your rebellious attitude, while making the vaguely of-age girls swoon and show their bra straps under the white tank tops and cowgirl hats that they will wear at country concerts precisely once.
Think it's time for another refill.
Pummel your audience with the metaphor. SUBTLETY IS FOR GIRLY GIRLS.
Step 10:) Repeat chorus until song is 3 and a Half Minutes Long
You will have to repeat the chorus once, maybe twice. Any remaining shortfall in time can be made up with a repeated guitar riff or two.
Step 11:) Enjoy Your Chart Success!
Ignore any feelings of hollowness, shallowness, or the creeping feeling that you have sold your soul to an unholy entity in the pursuit of ultimately meaningless and fleeting fame. That will fade as you adjust to your new life in the mansion you've built on a foundation of empty Bud Lite cans and the corpse of Johnny Cash.
Special thanks for this post goes to my wife, whom you can blame for the first half of the chorus, the bridge, and for the idea of the post in general. Further thanks goes to the songwriters of Nashville, Tennessee for making this one of the easiest writing assignments I've had since elementary school.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Top 10 Evaluation: July 25, 2015
Writing this on July 16, reviewing the July 25 Top 10, I really don't know how Billboard determines their chart release schedule. Mind you, I also don't know how anyone listens to most of this stuff sober...
#10: "Hey Mama" by David Guetta (Featuring Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha, Afrojack, the 1987 Boston Celtics, and a Cray Supercomputer that attained sentience but then did a lot of acid)
...And we open our Top 10 with a song that isn't supposed to be enjoyed sober. Or, I assume this isn't supposed to be enjoyed sober. It's club music featuring lines so misogynistic that the friggin' Taliban could get behind the message if they didn't think their god had banned things like "pop music" and "electricity" and "joy."
I'm not joking, guys. There's some straight up 1850s-style junk in here:
Yes I be whatever that you tell me when you ready...
Yes I do the cooking,
Yes I do the cleaning...
Yes you be the boss,
Yes I be respecting...
Never mind, I was wrong. There's nothing creepy at all about a 47 year old white dude putting his name on a track where lyrics like that are sung by a black woman.
#9: "Where Are Ü Now" by Skrillex, Diplo, and Justin Bieber
There is only one explanation for this: a failed assassination attempt.
Follow me: The hatred for Justin Bieber is legendary. Ever since the dubstep bubble burst a few years back, Skrillex is considered a joke. No one knows who Diplo is, but allowing yourself to be called "Diplo" in public is reason enough for someone to want you dead. So the would-be assassins invited their trio of victims over, planning on electrocuting them with a faulty soundboard. The device worked, but the voltage wasn't high enough. The two "musicians" seized and thrashed, creating a series of random noises, while the "singer" screeched absurdly high notes that resembled lyrics.
Realizing their failure, the assassins pretended it was all normal and released the song as a single, adding an unnecessary umlaut in a desperate attempt to anger the Germans into killing the three. It has not worked. Yet.
#8: "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten
Nothing too egregious in the lyrics here; it's basically just Sara Bareilles's "Brave" sung from the first person perspective. I am, however, looking forward to hearing people complain that our high school's band is playing the fight song all wrong because it doesn't sound a thing like this one.
#7: "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon
I liked this song when it came out. Then I heard it roughly 3 billion times on the radio, as backing music in ads, and in restaurants. At this point, I would like to remove the "and Dance" part from the title.
#6: "Trap Queen" by Fetty Wap
I already reviewed this one in-depth, so you can read that if you'd like. This song's been in the Top 10 long enough that Mr. Wap should have a pretty good amount of cash now. Hopefully he uses it to buy some singing lessons.
#5: "Watch Me" by Silento
A collection of one-hit wonder rap dances all rolled into one song. Awesome.
Can we just skip to the part where this guy's working at a McDonalds, or do we have to pretend he's relevant for the requisite 2 months before forgetting about his existence?
#4: "Bad Blood" by Taylor Swift (inexplicably featuring Kendrick Lamar)
Already did this one, too! Did Kendrick Lamar lose a bet?
#3: "Can't Feel My Face" by The Weeknd
I really want to do one of this guy's songs in the near future. It's too late to do the extra-super-creepy one from Fifty Shades of Grey's soundtrack, but if the current song is any indication, this guy will keep cranking out songs best enjoyed while peeping in on unsuspecting women.
As for the song's subject matter--let's play a game. Here is a sentence, with four possible contexts and outcomes below:
"Oh, I want it so bad, but I know it will wind up hurting me in the end!"
*If you said that about fatty foods, most people will tell you to hit the gym and change your diet before you die of a massive heart attack. This is a good response.
*If you say that about drugs or alcohol, most people will tell you to seek help or counseling before you wind up killing yourself. This is a good response.
*If you say that about a relationship, most people will tilt their heads understandingly. Some will even tell you to go for it, knowing that it will end in utter misery. This is not a good response.
*If you say that about a relationship and record it, people will buy your music and you will make it into the Top 5 on Billboard. The only person to criticize you will be a minor league blogger with too much time on his hands. This is also not a good response.
#2: "See You Again" by Wiz Khalifa (featuring Charlie Puth)
A surprisingly heartfelt tune by a guy whose lone previous hit was about his car. I won't make fun of the lyrics for this one. Instead, I'll make fun of the audience!
This song's been getting a lot of play amongst my friends, who listen to it and let go a world-weary sigh, whilst gazing back at the simple, easy past with nostalgia.
Cut that crap out.
We're in our 20s and our early 30s. I refuse to stare longingly back at the first quarter of my life like it's the friggin' Wonder Years. We have more ahead of us than behind us, and it is critical that we make sure our future is an improvement upon our past. I can't speak for you, but I think my best years are ahead of me, not behind me.
And if that didn't end your retrospective navel-gazing, maybe this will: The whole "lookin' back at my life" genre of music extended the shelf lives of both Bob Seger and Kenny Chesney. That alone should get you to stop listening to songs like this.
#1: "Cheerleader" by OMI
And we arrive at the other end of the misogyny bookends of the Top 10! This song (well, the pop remix of it that's at the top of the charts) is a classic example of catchiness allowing you to get away with lyrics that would normally get you slapped:
She grants my wishes
like a genie in a bottle
On the bright side, that's mixed with a dash of un-subtle innuendo:
I'm the wizard of love
And I got the magic wand
Along with some "Honey, I'm Good" style bragging, with pretty girls throwing themselves at our singer, who bravely does not cheat on his girlfriend. I mean, I'm digging the pro-monogamy messages that are hitting the Top 10--now can we make their delivery suck less?
And that is all for this week! This feature will return the next time the Top 10 is horrible enough to vindicate wasting my precious life away typing in front of a screen.
#10: "Hey Mama" by David Guetta (Featuring Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha, Afrojack, the 1987 Boston Celtics, and a Cray Supercomputer that attained sentience but then did a lot of acid)
...And we open our Top 10 with a song that isn't supposed to be enjoyed sober. Or, I assume this isn't supposed to be enjoyed sober. It's club music featuring lines so misogynistic that the friggin' Taliban could get behind the message if they didn't think their god had banned things like "pop music" and "electricity" and "joy."
I'm not joking, guys. There's some straight up 1850s-style junk in here:
Yes I be whatever that you tell me when you ready...
Yes I do the cooking,
Yes I do the cleaning...
Yes you be the boss,
Yes I be respecting...
Never mind, I was wrong. There's nothing creepy at all about a 47 year old white dude putting his name on a track where lyrics like that are sung by a black woman.
#9: "Where Are Ü Now" by Skrillex, Diplo, and Justin Bieber
There is only one explanation for this: a failed assassination attempt.
Follow me: The hatred for Justin Bieber is legendary. Ever since the dubstep bubble burst a few years back, Skrillex is considered a joke. No one knows who Diplo is, but allowing yourself to be called "Diplo" in public is reason enough for someone to want you dead. So the would-be assassins invited their trio of victims over, planning on electrocuting them with a faulty soundboard. The device worked, but the voltage wasn't high enough. The two "musicians" seized and thrashed, creating a series of random noises, while the "singer" screeched absurdly high notes that resembled lyrics.
Realizing their failure, the assassins pretended it was all normal and released the song as a single, adding an unnecessary umlaut in a desperate attempt to anger the Germans into killing the three. It has not worked. Yet.
#8: "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten
Nothing too egregious in the lyrics here; it's basically just Sara Bareilles's "Brave" sung from the first person perspective. I am, however, looking forward to hearing people complain that our high school's band is playing the fight song all wrong because it doesn't sound a thing like this one.
#7: "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon
I liked this song when it came out. Then I heard it roughly 3 billion times on the radio, as backing music in ads, and in restaurants. At this point, I would like to remove the "and Dance" part from the title.
#6: "Trap Queen" by Fetty Wap
I already reviewed this one in-depth, so you can read that if you'd like. This song's been in the Top 10 long enough that Mr. Wap should have a pretty good amount of cash now. Hopefully he uses it to buy some singing lessons.
#5: "Watch Me" by Silento
A collection of one-hit wonder rap dances all rolled into one song. Awesome.
Can we just skip to the part where this guy's working at a McDonalds, or do we have to pretend he's relevant for the requisite 2 months before forgetting about his existence?
#4: "Bad Blood" by Taylor Swift (inexplicably featuring Kendrick Lamar)
Already did this one, too! Did Kendrick Lamar lose a bet?
#3: "Can't Feel My Face" by The Weeknd
I really want to do one of this guy's songs in the near future. It's too late to do the extra-super-creepy one from Fifty Shades of Grey's soundtrack, but if the current song is any indication, this guy will keep cranking out songs best enjoyed while peeping in on unsuspecting women.
As for the song's subject matter--let's play a game. Here is a sentence, with four possible contexts and outcomes below:
"Oh, I want it so bad, but I know it will wind up hurting me in the end!"
*If you said that about fatty foods, most people will tell you to hit the gym and change your diet before you die of a massive heart attack. This is a good response.
*If you say that about drugs or alcohol, most people will tell you to seek help or counseling before you wind up killing yourself. This is a good response.
*If you say that about a relationship, most people will tilt their heads understandingly. Some will even tell you to go for it, knowing that it will end in utter misery. This is not a good response.
*If you say that about a relationship and record it, people will buy your music and you will make it into the Top 5 on Billboard. The only person to criticize you will be a minor league blogger with too much time on his hands. This is also not a good response.
#2: "See You Again" by Wiz Khalifa (featuring Charlie Puth)
A surprisingly heartfelt tune by a guy whose lone previous hit was about his car. I won't make fun of the lyrics for this one. Instead, I'll make fun of the audience!
This song's been getting a lot of play amongst my friends, who listen to it and let go a world-weary sigh, whilst gazing back at the simple, easy past with nostalgia.
Cut that crap out.
We're in our 20s and our early 30s. I refuse to stare longingly back at the first quarter of my life like it's the friggin' Wonder Years. We have more ahead of us than behind us, and it is critical that we make sure our future is an improvement upon our past. I can't speak for you, but I think my best years are ahead of me, not behind me.
And if that didn't end your retrospective navel-gazing, maybe this will: The whole "lookin' back at my life" genre of music extended the shelf lives of both Bob Seger and Kenny Chesney. That alone should get you to stop listening to songs like this.
#1: "Cheerleader" by OMI
And we arrive at the other end of the misogyny bookends of the Top 10! This song (well, the pop remix of it that's at the top of the charts) is a classic example of catchiness allowing you to get away with lyrics that would normally get you slapped:
She grants my wishes
like a genie in a bottle
On the bright side, that's mixed with a dash of un-subtle innuendo:
I'm the wizard of love
And I got the magic wand
Along with some "Honey, I'm Good" style bragging, with pretty girls throwing themselves at our singer, who bravely does not cheat on his girlfriend. I mean, I'm digging the pro-monogamy messages that are hitting the Top 10--now can we make their delivery suck less?
And that is all for this week! This feature will return the next time the Top 10 is horrible enough to vindicate wasting my precious life away typing in front of a screen.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Pop Music, Poor Lyrics, and the Benefit of Hindsight
Let's open this post with a question: What is the single biggest problem facing pop music today?
OK, other than "it sucks," most people are going to have one of the following answers:
OK, other than "it sucks," most people are going to have one of the following answers:
- The music is a series of annoying electronic sounds, likely produced by waterboarding a Super Nintendo.
- The lyrics sound like they're written by particularly stupid chimpanzees
I can't really do much about the first one--merely pass you some earplugs and hope that EDM will someday retreat back to the club scene where it can be enjoyed with glowsticks, ecstasy, and $9 cocktails.
I also can't help with the second complaint about pop music, but I can explain it, and that's got to be worth something! Here we go:
Many of you have likely seen a meme like this one floating around your social media feed:
I also can't help with the second complaint about pop music, but I can explain it, and that's got to be worth something! Here we go:
Many of you have likely seen a meme like this one floating around your social media feed:
Ha! Look how amusing that is, while simultaneously showing the downfall of popular music! And the Nicki Minaj song charted higher than Zeppelin*?! Outrageous. True music is dead.
Except, no, it isn't. Saying "there's no good music anymore" is shorthand for "I am too lazy to use the Internet to look for music I might like, so I'm just going to sit here and complain." Mainstream country may be dominated by flatbill capped bro-douches, but the alt-country scene is bustling with great acts. Guitar rock and roll still lives in garages and crappy little clubs throughout the nation. Underground rappers engage in wordplay that mainstream glam rappers don't touch, because taking an unpopular position could derail their gravy train. There is good music--go find it.
As for pop? Yeah, it's idiotic. It's going to be, for it always has been. We can look back now and fondly remember songs because they have been filtered through years of discernment. Take, for example, The Band's "The Weight"--rightly regarded as a classic piece of music. When it was released in 1968, the song hit 63 on the Billboard charts. That same year, The Ohio Express (a band that did not actually exist) made it to #15 with the song "Chewy, Chewy" a piece of music so monumentally bad that I feel bad for providing you with that link. In 1969, "Sugar, Sugar" (by another band that did not actually exist) outperformed "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes," "Space Oddity," and "Think."
There are two reasons for this. First and foremost, popular material has to appeal to as broad an audience as possible, which means it must be as pandering as possible. This is why Michael Bay lives in a mansion and independent filmmakers live in their cars. To succeed in pop, one must be popular, which merely requires catchiness. Repetitive music and something (anything) that gets stuck in your head is the goal, depth isn't even on the radar.
Secondly, "classic" rock/pop/R&B/country has had the benefit of being filtered through multiple decades of refinement. The bubblegum of the 50s and 60s has been weeded out by classic rock snobs who tout Hendrix (highest charting song: #20), the Grateful Dead (#9) and Led Zeppelin (#4) as exemplars of their time. So take heart! There's at least a chance that our time will be remembered more for Ryan Adams, Dawes, and the Alabama Shakes than for Bieber, Rihanna, and Lady Gaga.
Hey, a guy can dream.
*--For what it's worth, Zeppelin never released the quoted song ("Thank You") as a single. The fact that it didn't chart really doesn't indicate anything.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Andrew Reviews: Bad Blood
"Artist:" Taylor Swift "featuring" Kendrick Lamar
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 4 (Peak: #1, for one week)
Link to a...thing: I think it's supposed to be a music video, but it's really hard to tell. (Go 30 seconds in for the actual part where rhythmic noise happens.)
Review: We all have friends on social media who love to post statuses that read as follows: "Sum ppl dont no how good they have it i wont name names but i am better w/o u!" Most of us read those, roll our eyes, and move on to the baby pictures, un-funny memes, and psychotic political rhetoric that define the Facebook experience for a typical twentysomething.
Not Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift read one of those posts and thought "I can make a song out of this!" Brace yourself for a very passive-aggressive ride, folks.
'Cause baby now we got bad blood
You know it used to be mad love
"Mad love." Really? Remember when Taylor Swift talked about how hard it was to be uncool? And how if she did anything like rapping, it was totally ironic. Man, 2009 was so long ago.
Also, I love that the video has a moment at this point where it calls itself "A Joseph Kahn FILM." (Emphasis mine.) Dude, you direct music videos. Your two feature films have Metacritic scores of 22 and 38. It's fine, not everyone can be good at everything. Maybe try fishing? Or, at the very least, try directing a music video where you don't try to cram all the Michael Bay stereotypes you can into 4 minutes.
So take a look what you've done
'Cause baby now we got bad blood, hey!
We're 4 lines into the song and we've already used the same line twice. Unlike another member of my family, I don't necessarily consider repetition to be a sign of sheer idiocy. If you have a good line with multiple meanings, or a line whose meaning changes as the song progresses, then you should use it to full artistic effect.
But I think we can all agree that this isn't one of those cases, right? This is just her, establishing that she does not like the passive-aggressively unnamed subject of the tune. And this line (with slight variations) is repeated 14 times over the course of her portion of the song. Using this lyrics page, I counted up 49 lines for Ms. Swift. Thus, the phrase "now we got bad blood" makes up roughly 28% of her lines! (Math, lyrical analysis, and blogging--I am officially the least interesting person on the planet.)
Also, since this is a pop single in the year 2015, it's time for the obligatory rap!
Hey, I can't take it back.
Look where I'm at.
We was on D like DOC, remember that?
Role-play time. You're Kendrick Lamar. You are a preternaturally talented rapper who has been declared "the savior of hip hop" by critics and fans alike. You have just released an album that received universal acclaim for both its sound and its message. Having released multiple tunes focusing on the struggles and triumphs of being black in America, what is your next move? I'll give you a second.
...
How many of you said "appear as the backup artist on a song about a pop starlet's generic rage?" Everyone? Good. Me too.
My TLC was quite OD ID my facts
I work in education. I can appreciate a good acronym more than most people. But stringing together a list like this isn't going to make sense to anyone who doesn't take the time to look this stuff up. And the only sort of people who look this stuff up are 1) masochistic idiots like me and 2) overprotective Moms who want to make sure TLC doesn't stand for "Trust and love Communism."
Eh, who am I kidding? I've done this for 2 years. No one's listening to the friggin' lyrics, there's a half-naked Taylor Swift on the screen and a catchy beat in the background.
Now POV of you and me similar Iraq.
So looking at this relationship reminds one of the brutal sectarian violence that has broken out in an entirely artificial nation-state--violence which horrifies us, but from an historic standpoint is just another link in the miserable chain of religious and ethnic hatred that has dominated the Mesopotamian region for 7,000 years, literally dating back to the foundation of the first civilization in human history?
That seems a tad overstated.
I don't hate you, but I hate to,
critique, overrate you
These beats of a dark heart, use basslines to replace you
Give these lines a pass. We've all had a day where we sit and listen to music and think about past relationships. Right? Oh, God, please tell me I'm right and that I wasn't an emo kid. I was an emo kid, wasn't I? And it took Kendrick Lamar's guest verse on a Taylor Swift song to make me realize it. Worst self-revelation ever.
Take time and erase you, love don't hear no more
No I don't fear no more, better yet respect ain't quite sincere no more.
Respect "ain't quite sincere?" Way to pansy out at the end, man. Let me improve this:
Take time and erase you, love don't hear no more
No I don't fear no more, better yet flaming bag of poop outside ya door.
Same number of syllables, far meaner. Taylor's back, now! Perhaps she'll shed some light on the degradation of this once-harmonious partnership.
Oh, it's so sad to
Think about the good times
Such as? Any examples? Because as it currently stands, you are saying literally nothing. If this song were Wikipedia, there'd be [citation needed] tags at the end of every freaking word coming out of T-Swizzle's mouth.
You and I
...might as well be referring to two letters of the alphabet for all we know about Taylor Swift's relationship with the person in question.
The first four lines of the song loop again, and then we're given the remainder of the chorus:
Now we got problems,
And I don't think we can solve them.
You made a really deep cut.
Worthy to note that, in the Rolling Stone article I linked to above, Tay-Tay describes herself as "never sure" if she was friends with the subject of this tune, indicating a casual-at-best relationship. Yet the lyrics make their subject seem like the second coming of Judas Iscariot. Taylor's next single is going to be about the employee at her regular Starbucks who once gave her a Two Shot Venti Hazelnut Caramel Latte with no whipped cream when she asked for a Three Shot Venti Hazelnut Caramel Latte with no whipped cream.
I anticipate "Shot in the Dark (ft. Wiz Khalifa)" will go double platinum and win a Grammy.
Kendrick returns to rap:
Hey, Remember when you tried to write me off?
Remember when you thought I'd take a loss.
In an ideal world, Kendrick would stop here, turn to the camera and say "Wait a minute. I wrote those lines for myself. I don't have to be here, and I sure don't have to do this. I'm out!" But then you and I would have to sit through the Kendrick-free version of the song which: a) I can't find on YouTube and b) is even worse than this one.
Don't you remember, you thought that I would need ya.
Follow procedure, remember? Oh, wait, you got amnesia?
Well, I wish I could forget the past 2 minutes of music and weird leather outfits, yes. But then I'd have to explain to my wife why I was watching what appears to be a mashup between Fifty Shades of Grey and one of the Transformers movies. In the end, it's best that I not have amnesia. I'm sure you understand.
It was my season for battle wounds, battle scars
Body bumped, bruised, stabbed in the back
Brimstone, fire jumping through
This section of song brought to you by the American Foundation for Hyperbole. Our motto is "If a job's worth doing, then it's worth comparing a non-specific personal slight to the horrors of combat and the unending torment of an eternity in Hell."
We're working on the motto.
Still all my life I got money and power,
I can only assume this was the product of Kendrick and Taylor's "who can write the most generic line possible" contest. Kendrick wins on sheer unoriginality, but Taylor puts in a great showing in the repetition category
And you gotta live with the bad blood now.
I have to live with 2 more minutes of Taylor Swift repeating the same nondirectional barbs while adding only 4 new lines, 3 of which are repeated twice?! YOU ARE A MONSTER, KENDRICK LAMAR.
Band-aids don't fix bullet holes
Taylor Swift was awake for that part of health class.
You say sorry just for show
Excuse me--the person at whom you have directed these barbs apologized to you? And apparently did so in private, because it was not plastered across entertainment media as the top story for a full week. And you're gonna say it was "for show" and continue to play the victim?
Are we done yet? I'd really like to be done.
You live like that, you live with ghosts.
Well, it took darn near the whole song, but we finally know who the target is. An old friend/acquaintance who betrayed Taylor Swift and now lives in a constant maze of injurious gluttony, surrounded by ghosts? The signs all point to one person: Pac-Man.
Anyhow, those lines loop one more time and we arrive at the grand finale (before the chorus repeats 2 more times, of course):
When you love like that, blood runs cold
Because this is a song about blood. Specifically blood that has gone bad. Just making sure you got that.
Meanwhile, in the video: Respectable to semi-respectable actresses and models make inexplicable appearances in impractical outfits. Video blows up London for some reason. Swift reveals she looks her best as a redhead, still fails to save the song. She and Selena Gomez punch each other in the face as the video cuts to black. I didn't make a single word of that up.
Recommended Alternative Listening: First and foremost, a Bastille song with the same title that I assumed (hoped?) Swift had covered. Actual content detailing a lost friendship with a plea to end the feud. Try out Cee Lo Green's pointed (if not poetic) hit for genuine pop anger with actual background given to the emotion: Available in censored and horrifyingly uncensored forms. Or, listen to the lyrics of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive," and recognize that the tune is about a strong lady who's done being a doormat. Beats the heck out of whining for 4 minutes.
Well aware of the hypocrisy in the previous sentence, thanks.
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 4 (Peak: #1, for one week)
Link to a...thing: I think it's supposed to be a music video, but it's really hard to tell. (Go 30 seconds in for the actual part where rhythmic noise happens.)
Review: We all have friends on social media who love to post statuses that read as follows: "Sum ppl dont no how good they have it i wont name names but i am better w/o u!" Most of us read those, roll our eyes, and move on to the baby pictures, un-funny memes, and psychotic political rhetoric that define the Facebook experience for a typical twentysomething.
Not Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift read one of those posts and thought "I can make a song out of this!" Brace yourself for a very passive-aggressive ride, folks.
'Cause baby now we got bad blood
You know it used to be mad love
"Mad love." Really? Remember when Taylor Swift talked about how hard it was to be uncool? And how if she did anything like rapping, it was totally ironic. Man, 2009 was so long ago.
Also, I love that the video has a moment at this point where it calls itself "A Joseph Kahn FILM." (Emphasis mine.) Dude, you direct music videos. Your two feature films have Metacritic scores of 22 and 38. It's fine, not everyone can be good at everything. Maybe try fishing? Or, at the very least, try directing a music video where you don't try to cram all the Michael Bay stereotypes you can into 4 minutes.
So take a look what you've done
'Cause baby now we got bad blood, hey!
We're 4 lines into the song and we've already used the same line twice. Unlike another member of my family, I don't necessarily consider repetition to be a sign of sheer idiocy. If you have a good line with multiple meanings, or a line whose meaning changes as the song progresses, then you should use it to full artistic effect.
But I think we can all agree that this isn't one of those cases, right? This is just her, establishing that she does not like the passive-aggressively unnamed subject of the tune. And this line (with slight variations) is repeated 14 times over the course of her portion of the song. Using this lyrics page, I counted up 49 lines for Ms. Swift. Thus, the phrase "now we got bad blood" makes up roughly 28% of her lines! (Math, lyrical analysis, and blogging--I am officially the least interesting person on the planet.)
Also, since this is a pop single in the year 2015, it's time for the obligatory rap!
Hey, I can't take it back.
Look where I'm at.
We was on D like DOC, remember that?
Role-play time. You're Kendrick Lamar. You are a preternaturally talented rapper who has been declared "the savior of hip hop" by critics and fans alike. You have just released an album that received universal acclaim for both its sound and its message. Having released multiple tunes focusing on the struggles and triumphs of being black in America, what is your next move? I'll give you a second.
...
How many of you said "appear as the backup artist on a song about a pop starlet's generic rage?" Everyone? Good. Me too.
My TLC was quite OD ID my facts
I work in education. I can appreciate a good acronym more than most people. But stringing together a list like this isn't going to make sense to anyone who doesn't take the time to look this stuff up. And the only sort of people who look this stuff up are 1) masochistic idiots like me and 2) overprotective Moms who want to make sure TLC doesn't stand for "Trust and love Communism."
Eh, who am I kidding? I've done this for 2 years. No one's listening to the friggin' lyrics, there's a half-naked Taylor Swift on the screen and a catchy beat in the background.
Now POV of you and me similar Iraq.
So looking at this relationship reminds one of the brutal sectarian violence that has broken out in an entirely artificial nation-state--violence which horrifies us, but from an historic standpoint is just another link in the miserable chain of religious and ethnic hatred that has dominated the Mesopotamian region for 7,000 years, literally dating back to the foundation of the first civilization in human history?
That seems a tad overstated.
I don't hate you, but I hate to,
critique, overrate you
These beats of a dark heart, use basslines to replace you
Give these lines a pass. We've all had a day where we sit and listen to music and think about past relationships. Right? Oh, God, please tell me I'm right and that I wasn't an emo kid. I was an emo kid, wasn't I? And it took Kendrick Lamar's guest verse on a Taylor Swift song to make me realize it. Worst self-revelation ever.
Take time and erase you, love don't hear no more
No I don't fear no more, better yet respect ain't quite sincere no more.
Respect "ain't quite sincere?" Way to pansy out at the end, man. Let me improve this:
Take time and erase you, love don't hear no more
No I don't fear no more, better yet flaming bag of poop outside ya door.
Same number of syllables, far meaner. Taylor's back, now! Perhaps she'll shed some light on the degradation of this once-harmonious partnership.
Oh, it's so sad to
Think about the good times
Such as? Any examples? Because as it currently stands, you are saying literally nothing. If this song were Wikipedia, there'd be [citation needed] tags at the end of every freaking word coming out of T-Swizzle's mouth.
You and I
...might as well be referring to two letters of the alphabet for all we know about Taylor Swift's relationship with the person in question.
The first four lines of the song loop again, and then we're given the remainder of the chorus:
Now we got problems,
And I don't think we can solve them.
You made a really deep cut.
Worthy to note that, in the Rolling Stone article I linked to above, Tay-Tay describes herself as "never sure" if she was friends with the subject of this tune, indicating a casual-at-best relationship. Yet the lyrics make their subject seem like the second coming of Judas Iscariot. Taylor's next single is going to be about the employee at her regular Starbucks who once gave her a Two Shot Venti Hazelnut Caramel Latte with no whipped cream when she asked for a Three Shot Venti Hazelnut Caramel Latte with no whipped cream.
I anticipate "Shot in the Dark (ft. Wiz Khalifa)" will go double platinum and win a Grammy.
Kendrick returns to rap:
Hey, Remember when you tried to write me off?
Remember when you thought I'd take a loss.
In an ideal world, Kendrick would stop here, turn to the camera and say "Wait a minute. I wrote those lines for myself. I don't have to be here, and I sure don't have to do this. I'm out!" But then you and I would have to sit through the Kendrick-free version of the song which: a) I can't find on YouTube and b) is even worse than this one.
Don't you remember, you thought that I would need ya.
Follow procedure, remember? Oh, wait, you got amnesia?
Well, I wish I could forget the past 2 minutes of music and weird leather outfits, yes. But then I'd have to explain to my wife why I was watching what appears to be a mashup between Fifty Shades of Grey and one of the Transformers movies. In the end, it's best that I not have amnesia. I'm sure you understand.
It was my season for battle wounds, battle scars
Body bumped, bruised, stabbed in the back
Brimstone, fire jumping through
This section of song brought to you by the American Foundation for Hyperbole. Our motto is "If a job's worth doing, then it's worth comparing a non-specific personal slight to the horrors of combat and the unending torment of an eternity in Hell."
We're working on the motto.
Still all my life I got money and power,
I can only assume this was the product of Kendrick and Taylor's "who can write the most generic line possible" contest. Kendrick wins on sheer unoriginality, but Taylor puts in a great showing in the repetition category
And you gotta live with the bad blood now.
I have to live with 2 more minutes of Taylor Swift repeating the same nondirectional barbs while adding only 4 new lines, 3 of which are repeated twice?! YOU ARE A MONSTER, KENDRICK LAMAR.
Band-aids don't fix bullet holes
Taylor Swift was awake for that part of health class.
You say sorry just for show
Excuse me--the person at whom you have directed these barbs apologized to you? And apparently did so in private, because it was not plastered across entertainment media as the top story for a full week. And you're gonna say it was "for show" and continue to play the victim?
Are we done yet? I'd really like to be done.
You live like that, you live with ghosts.
Well, it took darn near the whole song, but we finally know who the target is. An old friend/acquaintance who betrayed Taylor Swift and now lives in a constant maze of injurious gluttony, surrounded by ghosts? The signs all point to one person: Pac-Man.
Anyhow, those lines loop one more time and we arrive at the grand finale (before the chorus repeats 2 more times, of course):
When you love like that, blood runs cold
Because this is a song about blood. Specifically blood that has gone bad. Just making sure you got that.
Meanwhile, in the video: Respectable to semi-respectable actresses and models make inexplicable appearances in impractical outfits. Video blows up London for some reason. Swift reveals she looks her best as a redhead, still fails to save the song. She and Selena Gomez punch each other in the face as the video cuts to black. I didn't make a single word of that up.
Recommended Alternative Listening: First and foremost, a Bastille song with the same title that I assumed (hoped?) Swift had covered. Actual content detailing a lost friendship with a plea to end the feud. Try out Cee Lo Green's pointed (if not poetic) hit for genuine pop anger with actual background given to the emotion: Available in censored and horrifyingly uncensored forms. Or, listen to the lyrics of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive," and recognize that the tune is about a strong lady who's done being a doormat. Beats the heck out of whining for 4 minutes.
Well aware of the hypocrisy in the previous sentence, thanks.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Andrew Reviews: Honey, I'm Good.
"Artist:" Andy Grammer
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 11 (Peak: 9)
Video Link, proving the music industry hates you: So much.
Review: Repeat after me--"Catchy does not mean good." Say it again. And once more. Well done.
Just because a song gets stuck in your head does not make it a quality piece of music. If you get the hook for Rihanna's "Birthday Cake" jammed into your cerebrum, that does not make it equivalent to Beethoven's 5th. Is everyone clear on that? Are there any questions? Put your hand down, blogs do not work that way. Lyrics!
Nah, nah, honey I'm good.
I could have another but I probably should not
The second line here is a syllabic train wreck. I'm no songwriter, but if you have to add an extra beat to make the line fit into the rhythm of the song, maybe consider changing the words to fit the music. This song is something of a rarity for our blog, as it has only two writers, one of whom is actually singing the thing. You'd think that guy would know the little "should not" break fits into the song about as smoothly as a tiger in a nursing home. Apparently he did not.
I've got somebody at home-home-home-home
I am absolutely astounded at the amount of effects used in the chorus of this song. Because repeating a line dozens of times apparently requires autotune and layering effects. Singing must be very difficult.
It's been a long night here, and a long night there
Who wrote this? I want whichever one of the songwriters who put this down and thought "this is a finished line in a song" to come to North Carolina so I can meet them, shake their hand, apply some baby powder to my hand, and smack them with all of my might.
If a 3rd grade class was assigned a poetry project and a student wrote this line, the teacher would circle it with red pen and write "WTF?! Fix this!" The teacher would get fired, while the student would go on to hit the Top 10 with his song "Nite Tyme is When It's Dark (ft. Drake)."
And these long long legs are damn near everywhere.
While this is just a generic line about a lady with long, attractive legs, I like to think that the woman in question is actually a giant spider. Or maybe one of those folks born with more than 2 legs. Decry my imagination if you must, but we're 5 lines in and nothing interesting has happened.
Hold up now
You look good, I will not lie
Lots of love has been lavished on this song for its positive message of not cheating on one's girlfriend/spouse. I'll admit that it's better than the typical pro-infidelity song, but there's still a massive problem here. Namely, why the heck are you out drinking with another woman who you admittedly find attractive? This strikes me as a recipe for bad things to happen. If I'm aiming to prove my faithfulness to my wife, I'm not gonna do so by having drinks with Katy Perry.
There's something to be said for not putting yourself into flagrantly stupid situations. Sure, you're saying that you're good this time. What about tomorrow night, Andy? WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW!?
But if you ask where I'm staying tonight
"My answer will be the Red Roof Inn of Toledo, Ohio. Red Roof Inn: it's slightly better than a crack house."
I gotta be like aw, baby,
Naw baby
You got me all wrong, baby
My baby's already got all my love.
Hey, pal. Protip here: when you're turning down the woman who's been flirting and drinking with you all night, it's probably best not to call her by the same pet name you call your committed partner. This is what we in the human relations business call a "mixed signal."
Nah, nah, honey I'm good.
I could have another but I probably should not
I got somebody at home,
and if I stay I might not leave alone.
No one came with him? He just decided to fly solo at the bar? A good looking musician, sitting alone. He didn't think this was a gigantic invitation to Temptation Central? He should consider himself fortunate that there's only one attractive woman in Toledo, otherwise this song would be about a group of attractive women violently ripping Andy Grammer to shreds.
Actually, that would be awesome. Can we get that song instead?
Nah, honey I'm good,
I could have another but I probably should not
This has been established. 3 times now. In the first 44 seconds of the song. WE FREAKING GET IT.
I got to bid you adieu.
To another I will stay true.
Yep, you're not cheating. Gold star. Somehow, most of us non-cheaters have managed to do so without writing an annoying song about it. On the bright side, I'm through the chorus, which means I don't have to write about it anymore, even though it plays three more ear-grating times through the course of the song.
Now better men better men,
than me have failed
Behold, the art of the humble-brag! "I know I'm not the best guy, but I am not going to sleep with this attractive random Ohioan. Well, shucks, I guess I'm not that bad."
Drinking from that Unholy Grail
The Unholy Grail is that cup the Nazi drank from at the end of The Last Crusade.
Now check it out,
I've got her, and she's got me
This is generally how non-awful relationships work. Seriously, who wrote this? Is the other songwriter actually an elementary school student?
And you've got that ass.
It's verifiable fact that all songs purporting to be heartfelt can be improved by the insertion of semi-random, soft-edged, generally inoffensive profanity. Honestly, this is what makes Shakespeare such a hack. Watch me improve the famous and vastly overrated Sonnet 18:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Strong winds may shake the darling buds of May,
and baby, your tits are super great.
How much better is that? 10 times better? Infinity times better? Probably the second one.
But I kindly,
"You've got that ass" followed by "I kindly" followed in a few lines by "sure as hell ain't mine" (see below). I am not sure Andy Grammer or his co-songwriter/little brother know what the word "kindly" actually means.
After this, the prechorus and chorus go again, unchanged in their unrelenting desire to make you kill yourself. Then there's a bridge and all of the "new" words are done with.
Oh, I'm sure you'll, sure you'll, make somebody's night
Yep, some lucky guy is gonna get a one-night stand out of a woman who got rejected by a pop singer. I am sure she will feel great about that, and we know that the guy's gonna be super excited to learn he's the coveted Second Prize.
But oh, I assure ya, assure ya, it sure as hell's not mine.
Well played. Really nailed that final rejection, man! Your spouse is going to be so pleased. You were drinking alone with a pretty woman whose attractiveness you repeatedly acknowledged, but you wound up not sleeping with her. Someone sign this guy up for the Congressional Medal of Honor, he's a Real American Hero.
Recommended Alternative Listening: I could just put "any love song that is actually a love song" here, but I'm more dedicated to my craft than (and this is just a random example off the top of my head) Andy Grammer and the Cub Scout who helped him write this song. So try out this poppy love song by Guster that is actually about love. Or give an early Beatles tune a spin--it's nice and repetitive, yet somehow not awful. If what drew you in to this song is the faithful man on the road, may I recommend Chicago's "Wishin' You Were Here." Or, if you're convinced I'm wrong, here's the club remix of the song. It is even worse.
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 11 (Peak: 9)
Video Link, proving the music industry hates you: So much.
Review: Repeat after me--"Catchy does not mean good." Say it again. And once more. Well done.
Just because a song gets stuck in your head does not make it a quality piece of music. If you get the hook for Rihanna's "Birthday Cake" jammed into your cerebrum, that does not make it equivalent to Beethoven's 5th. Is everyone clear on that? Are there any questions? Put your hand down, blogs do not work that way. Lyrics!
Nah, nah, honey I'm good.
I could have another but I probably should not
The second line here is a syllabic train wreck. I'm no songwriter, but if you have to add an extra beat to make the line fit into the rhythm of the song, maybe consider changing the words to fit the music. This song is something of a rarity for our blog, as it has only two writers, one of whom is actually singing the thing. You'd think that guy would know the little "should not" break fits into the song about as smoothly as a tiger in a nursing home. Apparently he did not.
I've got somebody at home-home-home-home
I am absolutely astounded at the amount of effects used in the chorus of this song. Because repeating a line dozens of times apparently requires autotune and layering effects. Singing must be very difficult.
It's been a long night here, and a long night there
Who wrote this? I want whichever one of the songwriters who put this down and thought "this is a finished line in a song" to come to North Carolina so I can meet them, shake their hand, apply some baby powder to my hand, and smack them with all of my might.
If a 3rd grade class was assigned a poetry project and a student wrote this line, the teacher would circle it with red pen and write "WTF?! Fix this!" The teacher would get fired, while the student would go on to hit the Top 10 with his song "Nite Tyme is When It's Dark (ft. Drake)."
And these long long legs are damn near everywhere.
While this is just a generic line about a lady with long, attractive legs, I like to think that the woman in question is actually a giant spider. Or maybe one of those folks born with more than 2 legs. Decry my imagination if you must, but we're 5 lines in and nothing interesting has happened.
Hold up now
You look good, I will not lie
Lots of love has been lavished on this song for its positive message of not cheating on one's girlfriend/spouse. I'll admit that it's better than the typical pro-infidelity song, but there's still a massive problem here. Namely, why the heck are you out drinking with another woman who you admittedly find attractive? This strikes me as a recipe for bad things to happen. If I'm aiming to prove my faithfulness to my wife, I'm not gonna do so by having drinks with Katy Perry.
There's something to be said for not putting yourself into flagrantly stupid situations. Sure, you're saying that you're good this time. What about tomorrow night, Andy? WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW!?
But if you ask where I'm staying tonight
"My answer will be the Red Roof Inn of Toledo, Ohio. Red Roof Inn: it's slightly better than a crack house."
I gotta be like aw, baby,
Naw baby
You got me all wrong, baby
My baby's already got all my love.
Hey, pal. Protip here: when you're turning down the woman who's been flirting and drinking with you all night, it's probably best not to call her by the same pet name you call your committed partner. This is what we in the human relations business call a "mixed signal."
Nah, nah, honey I'm good.
I could have another but I probably should not
I got somebody at home,
and if I stay I might not leave alone.
No one came with him? He just decided to fly solo at the bar? A good looking musician, sitting alone. He didn't think this was a gigantic invitation to Temptation Central? He should consider himself fortunate that there's only one attractive woman in Toledo, otherwise this song would be about a group of attractive women violently ripping Andy Grammer to shreds.
Actually, that would be awesome. Can we get that song instead?
Nah, honey I'm good,
I could have another but I probably should not
This has been established. 3 times now. In the first 44 seconds of the song. WE FREAKING GET IT.
I got to bid you adieu.
To another I will stay true.
Yep, you're not cheating. Gold star. Somehow, most of us non-cheaters have managed to do so without writing an annoying song about it. On the bright side, I'm through the chorus, which means I don't have to write about it anymore, even though it plays three more ear-grating times through the course of the song.
Now better men better men,
than me have failed
Behold, the art of the humble-brag! "I know I'm not the best guy, but I am not going to sleep with this attractive random Ohioan. Well, shucks, I guess I'm not that bad."
Drinking from that Unholy Grail
The Unholy Grail is that cup the Nazi drank from at the end of The Last Crusade.
Now check it out,
I've got her, and she's got me
This is generally how non-awful relationships work. Seriously, who wrote this? Is the other songwriter actually an elementary school student?
And you've got that ass.
It's verifiable fact that all songs purporting to be heartfelt can be improved by the insertion of semi-random, soft-edged, generally inoffensive profanity. Honestly, this is what makes Shakespeare such a hack. Watch me improve the famous and vastly overrated Sonnet 18:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Strong winds may shake the darling buds of May,
and baby, your tits are super great.
How much better is that? 10 times better? Infinity times better? Probably the second one.
But I kindly,
"You've got that ass" followed by "I kindly" followed in a few lines by "sure as hell ain't mine" (see below). I am not sure Andy Grammer or his co-songwriter/little brother know what the word "kindly" actually means.
After this, the prechorus and chorus go again, unchanged in their unrelenting desire to make you kill yourself. Then there's a bridge and all of the "new" words are done with.
Oh, I'm sure you'll, sure you'll, make somebody's night
Yep, some lucky guy is gonna get a one-night stand out of a woman who got rejected by a pop singer. I am sure she will feel great about that, and we know that the guy's gonna be super excited to learn he's the coveted Second Prize.
But oh, I assure ya, assure ya, it sure as hell's not mine.
Well played. Really nailed that final rejection, man! Your spouse is going to be so pleased. You were drinking alone with a pretty woman whose attractiveness you repeatedly acknowledged, but you wound up not sleeping with her. Someone sign this guy up for the Congressional Medal of Honor, he's a Real American Hero.
Recommended Alternative Listening: I could just put "any love song that is actually a love song" here, but I'm more dedicated to my craft than (and this is just a random example off the top of my head) Andy Grammer and the Cub Scout who helped him write this song. So try out this poppy love song by Guster that is actually about love. Or give an early Beatles tune a spin--it's nice and repetitive, yet somehow not awful. If what drew you in to this song is the faithful man on the road, may I recommend Chicago's "Wishin' You Were Here." Or, if you're convinced I'm wrong, here's the club remix of the song. It is even worse.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Andrew Reviews: Sippin' On Fire
"Artist:" Florida Georgia Line
Chart Position on Hot 100 at time of writing: 68 (Peak Position: 40)
Country Chart Position at time of writing: 17 (Peak: 2)
Video Link: How did all these fish get into this barrel?
Review: Let's be honest, if you actually enjoy listening to Florida Georgia Line you just shouldn't read this review. I'll be besmirching a band you like while using words like "besmirching" and "cacophony," which will just make you madder when you have to go get a dictionary to decipher my sesquipedalian dismantling of your loathsome Lothario duo.
Are they gone? Nifty.
Look, this is low-hanging fruit and I know it. But I'm coming off a stressful week spent in a town where people unironically think this music is representative of the lives they live. That's not true, but it's hard to write songs about chugging Budweiser at 11am because your meth guy doesn't start selling until noon, so they settle for this.
Sorry for the long intro...lyrics!
Girl you melt me like ice in whiskey
Or like ice in any other room temperature liquid. But whiskey rhymes easily with "me," and it fits in with the bro-douche-country leitmotif that life is all about sleeping with pretty girls, driving trucks, and getting hammered. So the songwriters used whiskey.
with those blue flame looks that you give me.
What the heck is a "blue flame look"?! To see if anyone in the history of humanity has used this terminology before, I Googled it. The first result is from the Department of Physics at the University of Illinois. The second result is for a propane company.
Therefore, we must conclude that the line "blue flame look" is another example of Big Energy's pervasive hold upon our society, and that I have no friends because I am looking up the lyrics to country music songs on a beautiful summer day.
You can't hide,
what's inside
Scenarios in which it is OK to say "You can't hide what's inside:"
1. If you are a motivational speaker, encouraging a group of small children to be themselves
2. If you are manipulating someone to do something against their will.
3. If you are a murderer and you are about to murder someone.
Scenarios in which it is not OK to say "You can't hide what's inside:"
1. When singing a painfully generic bro-country song.
2. Any other time ever.
And it's killin' me right now to see
You wanna slip off with me again.
Oh, good, a line about how she knows she wants him. "Blurred Lines," anyone?
Look, I get that lots of people (male and female) find confidence attractive. I also get that there's a fine line between confidence and cockiness. But this is so far over that line that the line is a faint memory. If the confidence/cockiness line is the Florida/Georgia state line, then this section of lyrics would be located somewhere in Kentucky. Also, the chorus is starting. Yay.
Why should we go round and round the truth, like we been doin'
You're right. I've sidestepped a major issue for too long in this review. But no more. Let's speak the truth--my intense research confirms that Florida Georgia Line singer Tyler Hubbard is in fact former Creed front man Scott Stapp:
Every time we lie girl, we're losin'.
Seriously, this is classical manipulative behavior. "I see you want me," "Don't deny it," and so on. This thing should be used by psychiatrists to spot potential criminals.
So why should we spend Saturday night alone
"Not with you" does not mean "alone." Do not confuse the two.
When I can call you on the phone, pick you up
Hold it. Near as I can tell, this song is being delivered to the lovely lady in question, right? And yet, here we have the words "call you on the phone" in the midst of the song. So...is he texting this proposition to her? Is this a sing-along email? Is our singer doing that thing where you're talking on the phone and you ask "Where's my phone?" and then you realize that it's in your hand?
Make it up as we go along
Risky to put your songwriting strategy in the middle of your chorus, but you have to admire the guts it took to do it.
Pull an all nighter chasin' that desire
In college, I once pulled an all nighter writing a paper about the German Navy in the First World War as a social barometer for the country as a whole. I got a B on it. That has nothing to do with the song, I've just waited 10 years to tell someone about it and I finally had my opening. God, that felt good.
What were we talking about again? Oh, right, a generic 2015 country tune that would fit right in to those montages of 6 or 7 songs with the same tune and lyrics. If you haven't looked one of those up, you really should. It will be much more entertaining than this post or (heaven forbid) listening to the rest of the song.
Sparks flying in her eyes like lighters
Even atrocious songs have 1 or 2 passable lines in them. This is the one for this song, even if the sentence structure makes it sound like there are sparks flying into this poor girl's eyes, which would probably blind her. Which would actually make sense, what with the fact that she's hanging out with Florida Georgia Line.
Get a little higher
Actually, get much higher. Go into that register that only dogs can hear. Those furry jerks have had it too easy for too long--they deserve to suffer through Florida Georgia Line as much as the rest of us.
Sippin' on fire
You know, the only flame references in the song thus far have been to the lovely lady's eyes. Thus, we can conclude that this is a song about ocular cannibalism.
OK, that's taking the line too far. It's probably just a reference to Fireball Whiskey, which is also referenced in a different Florida Georgia Line song. That song is different than this one, though. In that song, the singer is an overconfident jerk who is drinking with a woman and is pretty sure she wants to sleep with him. Totally different. Verse two of the song will show us just how different:
Yeah you act like you don't know what you're missin'
The self-confidence dripping off of these lines is incredible. We all know that guy who thought that every woman he met (waitress, bartender, parole officer, etc.) secretly wanted him. Apparently that guy grew up and became a songwriter.
Every time you end up back with him.
Cause it's safe.
...wait a motherfletching second.
We're 1 minute and 30 seconds into this song. Thus far, we know that you've had multiple liaisons with this young lady, none of which have ended in a committed relationship. We've put up with a minute of cacophonous over-produced noise that basically amounts to a nonsensical sonic booty call. You and your 3 songwriters have provided no evidence this proposed Saturday night fling will be anything more than another round on the carousel of manipulation, use, and rejection that you and your feminine puppet have been riding for however long this has gone on.
Now you're telling me that the lady has a steady partner she runs to when you rip her heart out Aztec style? AND HE IS THE F***ING BAD GUY IN THIS SCENARIO?! IT IS A BAD THING THAT HE'S "SAFE"?!?!!?!
I'll be right back once I'm done throwing up everything I have eaten in the month of July...
And you're scared.
Of you, bro-douche. Of you and your Master's Degree in Musical Sociopathy from Nashville's prestigious Music Row Institute for the Demolition of a Once-Respected Genre.
I'd be scared too.
Of everything you're feelin'
when we're burnin' the midnight down again.
You can't burn midnight down. It is not a place. You can burn your house down. You can burn a city down (not that I'd like to do that to any very specific places right now). You cannot burn down midnight. Not even if you light a clock on fire.
Chorus goes again, but somehow there's only 2 more "new" lines in the last 1 minute and 50 seconds of the song. If that isn't a metaphor for something, I don't know what is.
Every goodbye is bittersweet.
So why should we fight what we both need?
I dunno. Because she's clearly got someone who doesn't cause her emotional trauma? Because short-term impulses need to be controlled for greater long-term good? Because basic impulse control is one of the things that separates humans from less advanced species? Because you've only expressed a want to a person who may or may not actually be interested?
Oh, I forgot. She's a woman in a Florida Georgia Line song. She doesn't actually get input. My bad.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Here. This is a George Jones song about a man who actually loved a woman and did not stop until he died. Here is an aching Hayes Carll tune about a relationship that didn't work out. Here's an up tempo Brooks & Dunn tune that expresses love in a non-douchey manner. Here's Patsy Cline falling to pieces longing for love. Lastly, we have Amy LaVere giving what could be a good response to the song I have reviewed here.
Alternately, catch Florida Georgia Line's new single here. I think it's an improvement.
Chart Position on Hot 100 at time of writing: 68 (Peak Position: 40)
Country Chart Position at time of writing: 17 (Peak: 2)
Video Link: How did all these fish get into this barrel?
Review: Let's be honest, if you actually enjoy listening to Florida Georgia Line you just shouldn't read this review. I'll be besmirching a band you like while using words like "besmirching" and "cacophony," which will just make you madder when you have to go get a dictionary to decipher my sesquipedalian dismantling of your loathsome Lothario duo.
Are they gone? Nifty.
Look, this is low-hanging fruit and I know it. But I'm coming off a stressful week spent in a town where people unironically think this music is representative of the lives they live. That's not true, but it's hard to write songs about chugging Budweiser at 11am because your meth guy doesn't start selling until noon, so they settle for this.
Sorry for the long intro...lyrics!
Girl you melt me like ice in whiskey
Or like ice in any other room temperature liquid. But whiskey rhymes easily with "me," and it fits in with the bro-douche-country leitmotif that life is all about sleeping with pretty girls, driving trucks, and getting hammered. So the songwriters used whiskey.
with those blue flame looks that you give me.
What the heck is a "blue flame look"?! To see if anyone in the history of humanity has used this terminology before, I Googled it. The first result is from the Department of Physics at the University of Illinois. The second result is for a propane company.
Therefore, we must conclude that the line "blue flame look" is another example of Big Energy's pervasive hold upon our society, and that I have no friends because I am looking up the lyrics to country music songs on a beautiful summer day.
You can't hide,
what's inside
Scenarios in which it is OK to say "You can't hide what's inside:"
1. If you are a motivational speaker, encouraging a group of small children to be themselves
2. If you are manipulating someone to do something against their will.
3. If you are a murderer and you are about to murder someone.
Scenarios in which it is not OK to say "You can't hide what's inside:"
1. When singing a painfully generic bro-country song.
2. Any other time ever.
And it's killin' me right now to see
You wanna slip off with me again.
Oh, good, a line about how she knows she wants him. "Blurred Lines," anyone?
Look, I get that lots of people (male and female) find confidence attractive. I also get that there's a fine line between confidence and cockiness. But this is so far over that line that the line is a faint memory. If the confidence/cockiness line is the Florida/Georgia state line, then this section of lyrics would be located somewhere in Kentucky. Also, the chorus is starting. Yay.
Why should we go round and round the truth, like we been doin'
You're right. I've sidestepped a major issue for too long in this review. But no more. Let's speak the truth--my intense research confirms that Florida Georgia Line singer Tyler Hubbard is in fact former Creed front man Scott Stapp:
Special thanks to my former roommate Dave for pointing this out. Further thanks to the photographer of the bottom photo who apparently told Mr. Hubbard, "Now act like you're about to ask a girl if she's 18 yet."
Every time we lie girl, we're losin'.
Seriously, this is classical manipulative behavior. "I see you want me," "Don't deny it," and so on. This thing should be used by psychiatrists to spot potential criminals.
So why should we spend Saturday night alone
"Not with you" does not mean "alone." Do not confuse the two.
When I can call you on the phone, pick you up
Hold it. Near as I can tell, this song is being delivered to the lovely lady in question, right? And yet, here we have the words "call you on the phone" in the midst of the song. So...is he texting this proposition to her? Is this a sing-along email? Is our singer doing that thing where you're talking on the phone and you ask "Where's my phone?" and then you realize that it's in your hand?
Make it up as we go along
Risky to put your songwriting strategy in the middle of your chorus, but you have to admire the guts it took to do it.
Pull an all nighter chasin' that desire
In college, I once pulled an all nighter writing a paper about the German Navy in the First World War as a social barometer for the country as a whole. I got a B on it. That has nothing to do with the song, I've just waited 10 years to tell someone about it and I finally had my opening. God, that felt good.
What were we talking about again? Oh, right, a generic 2015 country tune that would fit right in to those montages of 6 or 7 songs with the same tune and lyrics. If you haven't looked one of those up, you really should. It will be much more entertaining than this post or (heaven forbid) listening to the rest of the song.
Sparks flying in her eyes like lighters
Even atrocious songs have 1 or 2 passable lines in them. This is the one for this song, even if the sentence structure makes it sound like there are sparks flying into this poor girl's eyes, which would probably blind her. Which would actually make sense, what with the fact that she's hanging out with Florida Georgia Line.
Get a little higher
Actually, get much higher. Go into that register that only dogs can hear. Those furry jerks have had it too easy for too long--they deserve to suffer through Florida Georgia Line as much as the rest of us.
Sippin' on fire
You know, the only flame references in the song thus far have been to the lovely lady's eyes. Thus, we can conclude that this is a song about ocular cannibalism.
OK, that's taking the line too far. It's probably just a reference to Fireball Whiskey, which is also referenced in a different Florida Georgia Line song. That song is different than this one, though. In that song, the singer is an overconfident jerk who is drinking with a woman and is pretty sure she wants to sleep with him. Totally different. Verse two of the song will show us just how different:
Yeah you act like you don't know what you're missin'
The self-confidence dripping off of these lines is incredible. We all know that guy who thought that every woman he met (waitress, bartender, parole officer, etc.) secretly wanted him. Apparently that guy grew up and became a songwriter.
Every time you end up back with him.
Cause it's safe.
...wait a motherfletching second.
We're 1 minute and 30 seconds into this song. Thus far, we know that you've had multiple liaisons with this young lady, none of which have ended in a committed relationship. We've put up with a minute of cacophonous over-produced noise that basically amounts to a nonsensical sonic booty call. You and your 3 songwriters have provided no evidence this proposed Saturday night fling will be anything more than another round on the carousel of manipulation, use, and rejection that you and your feminine puppet have been riding for however long this has gone on.
Now you're telling me that the lady has a steady partner she runs to when you rip her heart out Aztec style? AND HE IS THE F***ING BAD GUY IN THIS SCENARIO?! IT IS A BAD THING THAT HE'S "SAFE"?!?!!?!
I'll be right back once I'm done throwing up everything I have eaten in the month of July...
And you're scared.
Of you, bro-douche. Of you and your Master's Degree in Musical Sociopathy from Nashville's prestigious Music Row Institute for the Demolition of a Once-Respected Genre.
I'd be scared too.
Of everything you're feelin'
when we're burnin' the midnight down again.
You can't burn midnight down. It is not a place. You can burn your house down. You can burn a city down (not that I'd like to do that to any very specific places right now). You cannot burn down midnight. Not even if you light a clock on fire.
Chorus goes again, but somehow there's only 2 more "new" lines in the last 1 minute and 50 seconds of the song. If that isn't a metaphor for something, I don't know what is.
Every goodbye is bittersweet.
So why should we fight what we both need?
I dunno. Because she's clearly got someone who doesn't cause her emotional trauma? Because short-term impulses need to be controlled for greater long-term good? Because basic impulse control is one of the things that separates humans from less advanced species? Because you've only expressed a want to a person who may or may not actually be interested?
Oh, I forgot. She's a woman in a Florida Georgia Line song. She doesn't actually get input. My bad.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Here. This is a George Jones song about a man who actually loved a woman and did not stop until he died. Here is an aching Hayes Carll tune about a relationship that didn't work out. Here's an up tempo Brooks & Dunn tune that expresses love in a non-douchey manner. Here's Patsy Cline falling to pieces longing for love. Lastly, we have Amy LaVere giving what could be a good response to the song I have reviewed here.
Alternately, catch Florida Georgia Line's new single here. I think it's an improvement.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Andrew Reviews: Trap Queen
"Artist:" Fetty Wap
Chart position at time of writing: 3 (Current Peak)
Video Link: I can't...I just...even the dude singing it doesn't look excited.
Review: Hold on. Before we go any further, I want to point out that there is an ostensibly adult human being who allows other human beings to call him "Fetty Wap." Let's all just stay here for a minute. Just...just let that sink in.
Fetty. Wap.
I looked up what both of those words mean on Urban Dictionary. According to the Internet's leading slang site, it roughly translates to "Money (Fetty) With A Passion (W.A.P. Get it?!)" It's still not intimidating for a dude who's gonna brag about sleeping with other people's girlfriends whilst he peddles drugs. Why not "Dollar Desire" or "Cash Lover" or "Legal Tender Philanderer"? At least 1 of those has to be better than "Fetty Wap." Fetty Wap sounds like what you'd say if you were recovering from a lobotomy performed in a garage. I think I'm done with the name jokes. Lyrics!
Remy Boyz. 1738.
So...Dude's gang/clique/group/knitting circle is named after cognac. For those of you playing Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo at home, you can go ahead and cross off "expensive liquor." Also, I'll only be visiting Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo in the lyrics. If you use the video you'll hit "bingo" before the 1 minute mark, and that's no fun. Using the lyrics, you'll get to at least the minute-and-a-half mark before you hit every negative cliche in 2015's pop-rap mish-mash.
I'm like hey, what's up, hello
If a woman ignores you the first two times you try to get her attention, but responds the third time, it's been my experience that she's probably not wheeling around because she was testing your patience. It is far more likely that she's going to slap and/or taze you. Which would actually make this song much shorter. I wish that had happened...
Seen your pretty ass soon as you came in the door.
Birds fly, fish swim, pop rap objectifies women. Look, if we're gonna use this garbage as a benchmark for flirting and/or rhyming, then anyone who can talk to an attractive woman in complete sentences without trying to sleep with her is some sort of Cassanova/Shakespeare hybrid. Besides which, there's so much more awful here. Sorry to waste your time with this line.
I just wanna chill, got a sack for us to roll.
Alert to the Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo players--you can now check marijuana off the list. It's entirely possible someone will hit bingo before the promised minute and a half mark, sorry about that.
Married to the money
Another chip goes down in Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo.
Introduced her to my stove.
Showed her how to whip it, now she remixin' for low
Look, I'm no expert in drug production as it pertains to relationships, but does this strike anyone else as a bad idea? If Mr. Wap and his Trap Queen break up, couldn't she poison his stuff and murder him? Or murder his customers, thus leading to his murder? I'm just trying to look out for your (almost certainly fake) drug peddling business, man. Keep business and pleasure separate.
(Mr. Wap: If you read this, I am available to be your agent! Call me!)
She my trap queen, let her hit the bando
Bando is, according to Urban Dictionary, an abandoned house, frequently used in the drug trade.
Let's play a game: I want you gentlemen (or ladies) to tell your significant other: "Hey, babe. Tonight, I'm gonna go to the abandoned house downtown to sell some crack. You get to come with me!" Do you think that she/he would consider it to be a privilege?
I'm beginning to think that this song is not about a healthy relationship.
We be countin' up, watch how far them bands go.
Cross "bands" (but not stacks!) off of your Glam Rap Bingo card! I'm getting close, are you?
We just set a goal, talkin' matching Lambos.
Because nothing says "I sell drugs in an abandoned house." like a pair of matching $250,000 Italian sports cars. PICK A DEMOGRAPHIC, MAN. (Also, luxury car space gets filled in Glam Rap Bingo!)
(Muttered numbers) a gram, prob a 100 grams though.
I listened to this at least 10 times with multiple lyric tabs open. None of them agreed on the words, just that this is some sort of bragging about the price of drugs. Math is hard enough for me when it's delivered in plain English.
Man I swear I love it, how she work the damn pole
First off: strippers. Glam Rap Bingo is getting intense!
Second: Fetty is one of those guys who thinks that every waitress, bartender, and stripper likes him, apparently. Or he's dating an exotic dancer. One small problem with that--the next line.
Hit the strip club, we be letting bands go.
Yeah, you're either shifting to another woman, or you've taken your "queen" to her workplace on a date. Again, let's play at home: Imagine a scenario where you take your special friend to their own workplace on a night out. For how many of you does that end well? No one? Cool.
Everybody hatin' we just call 'em fans though.
BINGO! I win, with expensive liquor, luxury cars, drugs, bands, and haters. I hope everyone enjoyed playing, just as much as the obtuse imbecile singing this song enjoys whining about haters while occupying the #3 spot on the charts. Apparently, I matter more than I think I do.
In love with the money, I ain't never letting go.
We're 1 minute in to the song, and we've already managed to repeat the "money" motif 4 times. Zora Neale Hurston died nearly-bankrupt. Just throwing that out there.
And I get high with my baby
Whoa! Save some innovation, man! You can't keep pushing the musical envelope so far! Don't blow all your experimental genre-defying lyrics on one song...you have to pace yourself!
I just left the mall I'm getting fly with my baby. (Yeaaaahhhhh.)
More genius! Tupac Shakwho? Notorious W.H.A.T.? It's all about the Fetty now.
Hop aboard the Fetty train! Its whistle is a missed note that has been autotuned beyond recognition. Speaking of which, how awful is that "yeah" note? It's like having a nail pounded into your ear. With the critical difference that people don't usually get paid money to ram nails into other peoples' ears.
And I can ride with my baby.
Music has come a long way since Chuck Berry, hasn't it? I mean, sure, those lyrics haven't changed much, but that Chuck Berry song is a classic! And this song...exists. Maybe? It's possible a kid slipped some LSD into my coffee at school and this whole song is just a bad acid trip. That's the best possible outcome, really.
I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby
I got excited for a second when I heard this line. I like pie! Unfortunately, it turns out that "pie"is slang for "coke," which is slang for cocaine. I am not sure if I like cocaine, because I cannot afford it.
Do you think the teachers' union would get behind that as a marching slogan? "Pay us more! So we can score! Coke! Coke! Coke!" I like it. Time to write a letter!
...
Sorry for the delay. My suggestion was rejected and I had to serve a month or so of community service since I started writing this post. I'm sure this song has fallen off the charts since then.
Or it's risen to #3. That's cool. Hey, Fetty's about to start rapping! This is gonna be great!
Hit the strip with my trap queen 'cause all we know is bands
Hey, I know I've been in the county jail for a few weeks, followed by some time cleaning North Carolina's fine highway system, but...didn't he mention bands like 6 lines ago? No one in the production crew noticed this? It's alright. There's a limited number of words for "money." It's not like there's a readily available source of synonyms that you can look up free of charge at virtually any time. I wish there was--someone should come up with that.
I might just snatch a Ferrari and buy my boo a Lam
Is the song looping on itself? 9 lines ago he mentioned a certain Italian luxury car maker, and yet here we are. Does anyone else hear this? At the very least, does anyone else understand why I think this may just be a bad trip?
I just might snatch up her necklace, drop a couple on a ring
Correct me if I'm wrong, "snatching" something means to steal it, right? So...you're gonna steal your special lady's necklace? That...does not make sense. It did not make sense when Gregg Allman did it. To buy her (I hope it's her) a ring does not make it any better.
She ain't wantin' for nothin'
Except a necklace.
Because I buy her everything
This is the closest to "love" that this song comes to. Still a pretty shallow, highly materialistic sort of love. But...better than stealing jewelry. Maybe.
Big Zoo Wap in the bando, without dinero can't go
I've got no idea what that first line means or if it's even correct. Nor do I care. "Bando" is mentioned again, though.
Is this a freestyle? Like, those have an excuse to be repetitive, because it's being made up off the top of the head. But if you sit down, write a song, record it, layer it with drum machines, autotune, and synth hooks, and can't be bothered to check and see if the words repeat every 3 lines or so...you have a problem.
Remy Boyz got the stamp, countin' up hella bands though
Too bad our bingo game is over. That probably would have filled up the card. I know the last space on my card was "brag about weaponry." Also, bands again!
How far can your bands go?
Well, Guster's on a tour of the US, while Muse is--oh, you're talking about money. Again. For the 3rd time in the last 3 lines. First place for consistency, dead last for originality. The first one of my students to tell me "Fetty Wap writes good lyrics" is getting thrown out of my classroom window.
There's a few more lines before the chorus, but I can't bring myself to care enough to talk about them. It's more references to Fetty having money. I know, I'm as surprised as you are!
Anyhow, chorus gets burbled again. Autotune does not relent. Song does not improve.
There's like 4 lines added to the second chorus, though, because song structure is for pansies and posers and musicians.
I be smoking dope
That explains a lot.
And you know Backwoods what I roll.
Apparently this is a reference to stuffing empty (and super cheap) Backwoods cigarillos with marijuana. Because Fetty will drop a few million on matching cars, but he's very frugal about his illegal drug consumption. He only buys heroin when it's on sale and he's a cardholder at Bob's Meth Emporium.
Remy Boy Fetty eating s*** up that's fa' sho'
Yes. We're all impressed. This is groundbreaking and absolutely worth bragging about. Just like it's worth wasting however long I've spent writing about it and however long you've spent reading about it. This song is killing all of us.
I'll run in your house, and I'll f*** your hoe.
Well, that's impolite. You've spent 3 minutes talking about how special this lady is (stolen jewelry notwithstanding) and now you're talking about having sex with another woman in the very same song. WHY ARE PEOPLE VOLUNTARILY LISTENING TO THIS?! You are better than this, listening public!
'Cause Remy Boyz or nothin', Re-Re-Remy Boyz or nothin...
I'll take nothing, please.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Not knowing much about rap music, I consulted a coworker who enjoys it for recommendations. He recommended Kendrick Lamar (who I've heard of!) and Joey Bada$$ (who I have not heard of!). Whether you follow these recommendations or not, please follow my last recommendation: stop listening to a man who allows himself to be called "Fetty."
Chart position at time of writing: 3 (Current Peak)
Video Link: I can't...I just...even the dude singing it doesn't look excited.
Review: Hold on. Before we go any further, I want to point out that there is an ostensibly adult human being who allows other human beings to call him "Fetty Wap." Let's all just stay here for a minute. Just...just let that sink in.
Fetty. Wap.
I looked up what both of those words mean on Urban Dictionary. According to the Internet's leading slang site, it roughly translates to "Money (Fetty) With A Passion (W.A.P. Get it?!)" It's still not intimidating for a dude who's gonna brag about sleeping with other people's girlfriends whilst he peddles drugs. Why not "Dollar Desire" or "Cash Lover" or "Legal Tender Philanderer"? At least 1 of those has to be better than "Fetty Wap." Fetty Wap sounds like what you'd say if you were recovering from a lobotomy performed in a garage. I think I'm done with the name jokes. Lyrics!
Remy Boyz. 1738.
So...Dude's gang/clique/group/knitting circle is named after cognac. For those of you playing Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo at home, you can go ahead and cross off "expensive liquor." Also, I'll only be visiting Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo in the lyrics. If you use the video you'll hit "bingo" before the 1 minute mark, and that's no fun. Using the lyrics, you'll get to at least the minute-and-a-half mark before you hit every negative cliche in 2015's pop-rap mish-mash.
I'm like hey, what's up, hello
If a woman ignores you the first two times you try to get her attention, but responds the third time, it's been my experience that she's probably not wheeling around because she was testing your patience. It is far more likely that she's going to slap and/or taze you. Which would actually make this song much shorter. I wish that had happened...
Seen your pretty ass soon as you came in the door.
Birds fly, fish swim, pop rap objectifies women. Look, if we're gonna use this garbage as a benchmark for flirting and/or rhyming, then anyone who can talk to an attractive woman in complete sentences without trying to sleep with her is some sort of Cassanova/Shakespeare hybrid. Besides which, there's so much more awful here. Sorry to waste your time with this line.
I just wanna chill, got a sack for us to roll.
Alert to the Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo players--you can now check marijuana off the list. It's entirely possible someone will hit bingo before the promised minute and a half mark, sorry about that.
Married to the money
Another chip goes down in Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo.
Introduced her to my stove.
Showed her how to whip it, now she remixin' for low
Look, I'm no expert in drug production as it pertains to relationships, but does this strike anyone else as a bad idea? If Mr. Wap and his Trap Queen break up, couldn't she poison his stuff and murder him? Or murder his customers, thus leading to his murder? I'm just trying to look out for your (almost certainly fake) drug peddling business, man. Keep business and pleasure separate.
(Mr. Wap: If you read this, I am available to be your agent! Call me!)
She my trap queen, let her hit the bando
Bando is, according to Urban Dictionary, an abandoned house, frequently used in the drug trade.
Let's play a game: I want you gentlemen (or ladies) to tell your significant other: "Hey, babe. Tonight, I'm gonna go to the abandoned house downtown to sell some crack. You get to come with me!" Do you think that she/he would consider it to be a privilege?
I'm beginning to think that this song is not about a healthy relationship.
We be countin' up, watch how far them bands go.
Cross "bands" (but not stacks!) off of your Glam Rap Bingo card! I'm getting close, are you?
We just set a goal, talkin' matching Lambos.
Because nothing says "I sell drugs in an abandoned house." like a pair of matching $250,000 Italian sports cars. PICK A DEMOGRAPHIC, MAN. (Also, luxury car space gets filled in Glam Rap Bingo!)
(Muttered numbers) a gram, prob a 100 grams though.
I listened to this at least 10 times with multiple lyric tabs open. None of them agreed on the words, just that this is some sort of bragging about the price of drugs. Math is hard enough for me when it's delivered in plain English.
Man I swear I love it, how she work the damn pole
First off: strippers. Glam Rap Bingo is getting intense!
Second: Fetty is one of those guys who thinks that every waitress, bartender, and stripper likes him, apparently. Or he's dating an exotic dancer. One small problem with that--the next line.
Hit the strip club, we be letting bands go.
Yeah, you're either shifting to another woman, or you've taken your "queen" to her workplace on a date. Again, let's play at home: Imagine a scenario where you take your special friend to their own workplace on a night out. For how many of you does that end well? No one? Cool.
Everybody hatin' we just call 'em fans though.
BINGO! I win, with expensive liquor, luxury cars, drugs, bands, and haters. I hope everyone enjoyed playing, just as much as the obtuse imbecile singing this song enjoys whining about haters while occupying the #3 spot on the charts. Apparently, I matter more than I think I do.
In love with the money, I ain't never letting go.
We're 1 minute in to the song, and we've already managed to repeat the "money" motif 4 times. Zora Neale Hurston died nearly-bankrupt. Just throwing that out there.
And I get high with my baby
Whoa! Save some innovation, man! You can't keep pushing the musical envelope so far! Don't blow all your experimental genre-defying lyrics on one song...you have to pace yourself!
I just left the mall I'm getting fly with my baby. (Yeaaaahhhhh.)
More genius! Tupac Shakwho? Notorious W.H.A.T.? It's all about the Fetty now.
Hop aboard the Fetty train! Its whistle is a missed note that has been autotuned beyond recognition. Speaking of which, how awful is that "yeah" note? It's like having a nail pounded into your ear. With the critical difference that people don't usually get paid money to ram nails into other peoples' ears.
And I can ride with my baby.
Music has come a long way since Chuck Berry, hasn't it? I mean, sure, those lyrics haven't changed much, but that Chuck Berry song is a classic! And this song...exists. Maybe? It's possible a kid slipped some LSD into my coffee at school and this whole song is just a bad acid trip. That's the best possible outcome, really.
I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby
I got excited for a second when I heard this line. I like pie! Unfortunately, it turns out that "pie"is slang for "coke," which is slang for cocaine. I am not sure if I like cocaine, because I cannot afford it.
Do you think the teachers' union would get behind that as a marching slogan? "Pay us more! So we can score! Coke! Coke! Coke!" I like it. Time to write a letter!
...
Sorry for the delay. My suggestion was rejected and I had to serve a month or so of community service since I started writing this post. I'm sure this song has fallen off the charts since then.
Or it's risen to #3. That's cool. Hey, Fetty's about to start rapping! This is gonna be great!
Hit the strip with my trap queen 'cause all we know is bands
Hey, I know I've been in the county jail for a few weeks, followed by some time cleaning North Carolina's fine highway system, but...didn't he mention bands like 6 lines ago? No one in the production crew noticed this? It's alright. There's a limited number of words for "money." It's not like there's a readily available source of synonyms that you can look up free of charge at virtually any time. I wish there was--someone should come up with that.
I might just snatch a Ferrari and buy my boo a Lam
Is the song looping on itself? 9 lines ago he mentioned a certain Italian luxury car maker, and yet here we are. Does anyone else hear this? At the very least, does anyone else understand why I think this may just be a bad trip?
I just might snatch up her necklace, drop a couple on a ring
Correct me if I'm wrong, "snatching" something means to steal it, right? So...you're gonna steal your special lady's necklace? That...does not make sense. It did not make sense when Gregg Allman did it. To buy her (I hope it's her) a ring does not make it any better.
She ain't wantin' for nothin'
Except a necklace.
Because I buy her everything
This is the closest to "love" that this song comes to. Still a pretty shallow, highly materialistic sort of love. But...better than stealing jewelry. Maybe.
Big Zoo Wap in the bando, without dinero can't go
I've got no idea what that first line means or if it's even correct. Nor do I care. "Bando" is mentioned again, though.
Is this a freestyle? Like, those have an excuse to be repetitive, because it's being made up off the top of the head. But if you sit down, write a song, record it, layer it with drum machines, autotune, and synth hooks, and can't be bothered to check and see if the words repeat every 3 lines or so...you have a problem.
Remy Boyz got the stamp, countin' up hella bands though
Too bad our bingo game is over. That probably would have filled up the card. I know the last space on my card was "brag about weaponry." Also, bands again!
How far can your bands go?
Well, Guster's on a tour of the US, while Muse is--oh, you're talking about money. Again. For the 3rd time in the last 3 lines. First place for consistency, dead last for originality. The first one of my students to tell me "Fetty Wap writes good lyrics" is getting thrown out of my classroom window.
There's a few more lines before the chorus, but I can't bring myself to care enough to talk about them. It's more references to Fetty having money. I know, I'm as surprised as you are!
Anyhow, chorus gets burbled again. Autotune does not relent. Song does not improve.
There's like 4 lines added to the second chorus, though, because song structure is for pansies and posers and musicians.
I be smoking dope
That explains a lot.
And you know Backwoods what I roll.
Apparently this is a reference to stuffing empty (and super cheap) Backwoods cigarillos with marijuana. Because Fetty will drop a few million on matching cars, but he's very frugal about his illegal drug consumption. He only buys heroin when it's on sale and he's a cardholder at Bob's Meth Emporium.
Remy Boy Fetty eating s*** up that's fa' sho'
Yes. We're all impressed. This is groundbreaking and absolutely worth bragging about. Just like it's worth wasting however long I've spent writing about it and however long you've spent reading about it. This song is killing all of us.
I'll run in your house, and I'll f*** your hoe.
Well, that's impolite. You've spent 3 minutes talking about how special this lady is (stolen jewelry notwithstanding) and now you're talking about having sex with another woman in the very same song. WHY ARE PEOPLE VOLUNTARILY LISTENING TO THIS?! You are better than this, listening public!
'Cause Remy Boyz or nothin', Re-Re-Remy Boyz or nothin...
I'll take nothing, please.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Not knowing much about rap music, I consulted a coworker who enjoys it for recommendations. He recommended Kendrick Lamar (who I've heard of!) and Joey Bada$$ (who I have not heard of!). Whether you follow these recommendations or not, please follow my last recommendation: stop listening to a man who allows himself to be called "Fetty."
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