Middle Wednesday: Lyrical Laziness

(Disclaimer: This post may cause me to make fun of some "older" songs you like. And "Cruise." I'm gonna make fun of "Cruise" again. Get used to it.)

The most glaring issue--for me--with pop music today is the fact that it takes no effort to get famous. You just have to pluck a generic, 4/4 beat, then add in some "catchy" vocals (lalas, nanas, and dootdoos are not words, thank you Strong Bad), and all of a sudden, you have a successful, stupid, charting song. There are some exceptions to this, of course. I think that "Cups" is actually pretty good, and Adele has really surprised me in the past with her talent, both live and in a recording studio. More recently, Avicii has made some good stuff, and yeah, Macklemore isn't terrible, honestly.

But then you have stuff that is passed off as artistic. (Hint: changing pitches in half steps? Not impressive.) Or a song that is just a lazy rehash with a terrible extra "verse" added in. Or even a song that's just... tired. The formula, the lyrics, the beat... everything about it just feels exhausted. Do you know why that is? I'll give you a muffin if you can!

(Another hint: It's not because country music takes any effort. It doesn't. All the songs sound the same. And "Cruise" still is not country.)

(I will review Jason Aldean's new turd if it touches the Top 10 of Billboard. Called it.)

Anyway, we could spend weeks at a time dissecting why this crap is popular, but I figure we'll dive right into my favorite part of why these things go wrong: THE WORDS!

Now, there have always, always been songs that have terrible writing, but were said to be great--even genre-defining. Truth is, they aren't. Some songs capture the essence of how bad things were. "Total Eclipse of the Heart," as much as some people love to defend it, really shows just how bad music could be in the 80's... but still be called good.

Andrew and I have had this discussion before. Sometimes songs can get famous just because of the people who wrote and record them (I'm looking at you, Yellow Submarine!) In reality, the songs are pretty lazy in general--whether it was inspired by drugs, a lack of time, or a lack of passion--some music was put on this earth and glorified, even if it was bad.

Like, really really bad. But at the same time, even crappy songs can have some redeeming qualities...

I read an interview between a journalist for Scene Magazine and Flo Rida, around the time "Whistle" was released. The interviewer said and I quote: "It's nice to see a song that has gotten popular and can--can really show--uh, a lot of symbolism in it. The song I mean."

I still have trouble disagreeing with that statement, because he is both wrong and right at the same time. On one hand, yeah, the song does have symbolism in it. It's all about blow jobs, so it isn't good symbolism, but it's still more subtle than anything Nicki Minaj has ever done. (I refuse to link anything)

"Cruise" is about as subtle as a hammer to the face, and while "Whistle" sucks, the guy doing the interview is right. The song has more craft in it than most of the garbage on the radio today. Hell, even Feel This Moment has some hidden lines and symbolism in it.

Again, this does not excuse these songs for being bad, not by any means, but at least they're trying harder than some other things with their words. They're trying to put in some meaning, even if it's either A) The wrong meaning or B) A stupid meaning that misses the mark.

At the same time however, we have to look at the bigger picture here. Songs nowadays are not really all-that popular for the words--you slap on something catchy and you've got it. They're popular because of something else entirely... something that still manages to stay unfortunate to the cause and why I believe we're in the declining age of great lyrical genius.

Well, two things, actually. Beats. And music videos.

If you clicked that, you just went through a drug trip, but one that you probably didn't hate. You found yourself tapping your foot or bobbing your head, and not fully understanding what was happening. Maybe you didn't really like it--but at the same time, you probably didn't flat-out hate it. C'mon, admit it. It's okay, I didn't hate it either.

Without looking up the words, or listening to it again, tell me more than one stanza of the song. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's pretty difficult. Now I may be wrong here, but I'm placing money that Kanye West didn't create this--um, experience--for it to be catchy. Symbolical? Probably. Catchy? No.

This isn't a song you would sing in public. It's one you would remember the constant thumping to while sitting in church, or at work, or in class. That is what you would remember. Along with the creep music video, what you would envision is the beat to the music and the music itself.

You're probably asking, "how does this relate to lyrics?" Well, I'm getting there, keep your pants on. I showed the above example because the above example shows this: for something to be popular now, it doesn't need to have creative lyrics. It just needs a popular name behind it, accompanied by a beat and a music video you will remember. As long as those things are kept in mind, then you will remember the song.

Don't believe me? Then why is it that "Friday" by Rebecca Black was universally panned in every way, shape, and form, but a song like "Starships," which is essentially the same thoughtless, repetitive garbage we have come to expect from Minaj, broke Billboard records and stayed in the Top 10 for over 21 weeks?

Have you read the lyrics to Starships? They're about as well thought out as Friday, maybe even less so.

We'll explore more aspects of what makes today's popular music lazy in the future, but for now, just remember: it isn't about words anymore. It's about names, beats, and sometimes music videos. I know there are a lot of examples where I'm wrong, I admit that--but there are a lot where I'm right.

Just something to chew on.

Do you want some songs with some awesome writing? Some of these are pretty old, but the songs are drenched in symbolism and are fun to listen to. This entire album is a masterpiece, and every line in this means something different. More recently, Outkast has hit some it with some good stuff, and even Kanye West can do some things right. The Killers stay pretty consistent, and hey--I don't like everything they do, but Coldplay even has had some good stuff over the years.

Have a suggestion or want me to write about something? Just say so and I'll get to it.

Andrew Reviews: Blurred Lines

"Artists": Robin Thicke, featuring T. I. and Pharrell
Chart Position at time of writing: 1 (Time at #1: 10 weeks. No, really.)
Link to a lyric video because my mom reads this blog: Here!
Link to the actual video (seriously, Mom, don't click this.): NSFW

Review: Well, it's taken a bit, but we finally have our first #1 single on here! And it's a real runaway success, this tune. It's been #1 for 10 weeks, meaning that it's been #1 for nearly 1/3rd of the year thus far. Statistically speaking, if you haven't heard this song, you are either dead or an astronaut.

Let's get the positives out of the way first: Both Thicke and Pharrell can sing quite well, and I don't hate T. I.'s rapping. The three writers of the song are the three guys performing it, which is a rarity these days. Those are the positives. That's all.

And, with that, this song is bad. It's not as bad as some of the stuff I've reviewed on here, but goodness it's close. This song is a perfect example of "more is less." There is way too freaking much going on in this song, and I will demonstrate that with a simple code. Every time a lyric unrelated to the song itself shows up, I will insert it in this shade of horrible lime green. The rest of the song will be written in our usual italics. Let the fantastic journey begin. (Suave disclaimer: It should be noted that neither of us stole the green writing idea (see below) from each other. It just sort of happened that way, unwittingly to both of us. Maybe we both thought the same thing. It's almost like we're BROTHERS OR SOMETHING, AMIRITE?) 

E'rebody get up
Woo!
E'rebody get up
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey unh
Hey hey hey (Woo!)
Turn it up.

I'm not joking. That's the first 21 seconds of the song (using the actual music video), and not a single actual word of the tune has been sung. Those are the words, sung by Pharrell mostly, with a few grunts from Mr. Thicke as an added bonus. In fact, putting that segment together I listened to those 21 seconds 7 consecutive times and I'm pretty sure I still missed some backing sound effects. Between the twin drum machines, bass line, two lead singers, dancing models and giant, somewhat depressing hashtags floating onscreen, it was difficult to focus. No worries, though, the song is about to start with Rob's urging us to "turn it up." Just like in the redneck national anthem, though, the phrase "turn it up" is not necessarily an indicator that good music will follow.

If you can't hear what I'm trying to say
Hey girl, c'mere!
If you can't read from the same page
Maybe I'm going deaf,
Maybe I'm going blind
Maybe I'm out of my mind
E'rebody get up.

I...what? Seriously, I am at a loss for words. These lyrics make no sense! Is he addressing the girl? Is this a failed pickup line to set up the chorus below? WHAT IS GOING ON?!

OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you (Woo!)
But you're an animal,
Baby, it's in your nature (Woo!) (Meow!)


So...now we have women portrayed as animals. I get that Thicke has gone on record as saying the song is "a joke." But joke songs don't make it to the top of the Hot 100 ("My Ding-a-Ling" notwithstanding). The misogyny here is palpable. This song is less pickup line and more plot to an adult film.

Protip, gentlemen, most women do not want to be called animals. The ones who do are likely to either rob you or require you to visit a doctor.

Protip, ladies, do not let a man call you an "animal." If he does, slap him. If you enjoy being called "an animal", find an idol who is not Kesha.

Just let me liberate you

Are you a city in Western Europe, circa 1944? Then Robin Thicke wants to send thousands of American troops into you. To save you from the Germans.

No, I don't care if that's not what he meant.

Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no papers (Woo!)
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker

Well, good. Rob has established that none of the men in the club are God. Or the girls' parents.

Hey, hey, hey

OK, we're about to start the chorus, so I'm gonna do a quick count. Assuming I've heard them all (and I probably haven't), there are 16 "hey's" in the first 50 seconds of this song. And they just keep repeating! The rhythm never changes, there are no dynamics going on here. The backing of this song is like a 4 course meal where every single course is white bread. And that would be forgivable if the lyrics to the song even resembled coherence.

And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl (E'rebody get up)
I know you want it (Woo! Hey!)
I know you want it
I know you want it (Woo!)

OK, is everyone clear that we're talking about sex here? This isn't saying "I know you want some Girl Scout Cookies" or "I know you want the last slice of pizza" or "I know you want a new video game." And judging from flagrant and repeated lines about "being an animal" and "liberation," we're talking about stuff most people won't do. OK? We're all on the same page? Great.

So now we have two paths to go from here: Either this lady is not a "good girl" by anyone's definition, or we have a chorus advocating sexual assault. It's simple: If she's a good girl she probably isn't gonna "want it" and if she "wants it" she isn't a "good girl."

This song has been #1 for over 1/4th of the year thus far. Logic: 0, Robin Thicke: 1.

Can't let it get past me (Woo! Come on, girl!)
You're far from plastic (Alright!)
Talk about getting blasted

Well, she's far from plastic. He's getting drunk. Really breaking some new ground here, aren't we?

I hate these blurred lines

Over the past 10 weeks, I have grown to hate them as well, Mr. Thicke.

I know you want it
I know you want it (Woo!) (Heyyyy--)
I know you want it (---Oooohhhhooohhh!) (Woo!)
But you're a good girl

Repetition. On the bright side, we will get an answer to my "two paths" blurb from earlier.

The way you grab me (woo!)
Must wanna get nasty (Heyyy-yyyy-yyyy!)
Go ahead, get at me (E'rebody get up!)

Alright, so. Not a good girl. Doesn't really excuse the creepy lyrics, but I guess it explains them. There's another verse coming, though, and I've been harsh. Thicke's primarily a songwriter, maybe his skill will shine through here!

What do they make dreams for
When you got them jeans on

Or not. Also, a line about a woman's attractive butt in jeans! What a novel concept!

What do we need steam for

Well, the steam engine actually powers most power plants in the world. Coal, oil, and even nuclear power plants simply heat water to generate steam, spinning a turbine and generating electricity. Steam is also a nice cleaner, formerly powered trains and some early cars, and can be used in relaxing steam rooms at health clubs. So, we need steam for quite a few things!

You the hottest bitch in this place!

Oh good, more misogyny. Seriously, are there men who talk to women like this? Are there women who enjoy it? Either way, if I ever have a daughter I'm sending her to a convent. I'm not even Catholic.

I feel so lucky
Hey, hey, hey
You wanna hug me (woo!)
Hey, hey, hey
What rhymes with hug me? (Hey-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Hey, hey, hey

A moment of positivity here: I like that Thicke cracks up a bit when he's singing the line "What rhymes with hug me?" For that split second, he's fully aware of the ludicrousness of what he's singing, and the audience is aware that it's a joke. You might think that excuses the rest of the song, but this is the only indicator that the tune isn't supposed to be serious. We're left to assume that (non-blurred) line is funny, but nothing else. The glimmer of levity is of course immediately stamped out by a return to the nonsense prechorus about animal women, liberation, and a remarkably poor grasp of the phrase "good girl".

Then the chorus loops again and I won't write about it except to tell you that there's even more background noise, with some "Uh-huh"'s being added to the already remarkable list of crap that doesn't need to be going on. Then the required rap session comes in, with T.I. handling rapping duties on this one. And...well...

One thing I ask of you
Let me be the one you back that ass to (woo!)

Alright, sorta sticks with the already awful theme of the song. Bit sad that's the only thing he wants from this woman. Let's move along.

Go, from Malibu, to Paris, boo
Yeah, I had a bitch, but she ain't bad as you (woo! Nuh-uh, hey)

Wasn't she a good girl a few lines ago? Or is this a different woman? I don't even know anymore. Also, from this point forward I'm stopping the green text. You get my point and the joke stopped being funny a few lines ago.

So hit me up when you passing through

Well now this is nice! He's telling her to call him when she comes by! Maybe he'll give her flowers, or profess his undying love for her!

I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two

Good Lord. That is probably the worst thing I have ever copy/pasted. Ever. This line, above all others, proves that if you wrap something in a snazzy production and make it sound "fun" you can get away with lyrics that could ruin lesser careers.

Swag on, even when you dress casual
I mean it's almost unbearable

Sorry, still too horrified by last lines to write something here.

In a hundred years not dare would I
Pull a Pharcyde, let you pass me by

A reference to "Passin' Me By" by The Pharcyde. That song is laid back and features lyrics about young crushes that ended in heartache. It also isn't terrible, so it's basically the opposite of this song.

Also, I challenge you to try to use that first line in an actual sentence. Seriously. Say "In a hundred years not dare would I" to someone. See what they say in response.

Nothing like your last guy, he too square for you
He don't smack that ass and pull your hair like that

Yeah. He might have treated her like a woman and not a piece of burger. And yes, I'm aware that T.I. and Thicke are married and that Pharrell is engaged. That's not the point, dear reader. The song isn't for their significant others, it's for the listening public. At least I hope it's for the public. I don't want to know if these guys' private lives are like this song.

So I'm...just watchin...
...and waitin'

One last brief spot of good delivery: the stretched line delivery here works well with the lyrics. Wonder what he's waiting for?

For you to salute (indecipherable lyrics) pimpin'

I have three different lyric sites open in tabs while typing this. None of them agree on what this line says. Just know he's waiting for her to give in to his charm/sexiness. Real shocker there.

Not many women can refuse this pimpin'
I'm a nice guy but don't get it confused (last words drowned out by too much background crap)

Assuming that the last few words aren't some secret code, we can now safely say that the songwriters have no idea what a "nice guy" or a "good girl" is. Are? I don't know, the song's killing my grasp of grammar. But we are near the end.

Shake your rump

More butt references.

Get down.
Get up.

Dancing instructions, sure. But taken together, these lines make almost no sense. At least the model in the video demonstrates how, for fans who didn't make it through elementary school.

Do it like it hurt, like it hurt
What you don't like work?

Uhhh. Dude, if dancing (And I hope that's what we're talking about here. If it isn't, don't tell me.) hurts, pretty sure you're doing it wrong. And if...whatever we're talking about is "work" for this woman, then the song's taken on a different meaning. I think.

Baby can you breathe?
I got this from Jamaica.
It always works for me,
Dakota to Decatur. 

Marijuana. You can check marijuana off your "crap that most popular music feels the need to reference" bingo card.

No more pretending.

Wait, we were pretending this whole time?!

Cause now you winning.

Not winning a grammar competition, though.

Here's our beginning.

Weirdly, this comes at the end of the song. Thankfully, after one last repeat of the still-just-as-bad chorus, we're done here. 4 minutes of misogyny with a few wasted one-liners and three wasted talents. And it's been at #1 for longer than anything the Beatles ever recorded. I'll let that sink in for a second.

Recommended Alternative Listening: Well, if you're into Blue-eyed Soul (a term Mr. Thicke hates), you can try on some Hall and Oates. If you'd like some soul music from the Godfather of Soul, try this one on for size. If you liked the rap, why not try a T.I. tune that doesn't feature a line that makes me want to puke and actually features a mostly positive message. I was gonna post a Robin Thicke or Pharrell recommendation, but literally everything they've done is baby-making music. You can look for that on your own dang time.

Austin Reviews: We Can't Stop

"Artist (And I use that in the loosest way possible):" Miley Cyrus
Chart Position at time of writing: ...2. (Peaked at...2... still at 2...)
Well, I guess "suck" just runs in the family: Bink!

First warning: That music video is like watching a bad acid trip.

Second warning: This song is atrocious. It is bad, pointless, repetitive, lazy, and all-around stupid. It is a mix of ripoffs of Pink, Rhianna and Madonna. The video is Miley Cyrus trying to be attractive, swaying her stolen haircut and trying to simulate moves from a stolen music video, and not doing it right. The tone she uses in the song is eerily similar to something I've heard before. This is a train wreck, a true showing of the catastrophe that fame can create. Don't give me that "we all have that 'bad girl' phase" crap either. Hannah Montana has been doing this bullwrench for way too long.

It is appalling to see this song get so high on the charts. Just... why?! Who is it intended for? What audience? Who is listening to this and thinking it's great?

I'll try to answer that question--try--when we look at the words.

Sigh... hook, then. That's where we start.

It's our party we can do what we want (no drama)

Shut up.
It's our party we can say what we want (Mike Will Made)

Mike Will Made is a producer who has the dumbest producing name imaginable. That's it. No secret.
It's our party we can love who we want

...No, seriously. Shut up.
We can kiss who we want

You're engaged, Miley.
We can sing what we want

And yet, you chose to sing this...

This alone makes me wonder, is there truly any creativity left in the world? You know what the worst part is? This repeats. Yep. It happens twice. In a row. 

First of all, this grinds the nails on the chalkboard of my brain because eight people wrote this slop. It took eight mindless, soul-stealing idiots to come up with that. 

A horny fourth grader could come up with what you see above. 

Second, I think this breaks Nicki Minaj's record of the most times the same word is rhymed with itself. "want" is said at the end of five stanzas. Twice. So I guess ten times, if you want to get technical about it.

Jeez, we're not even to the first verse and my blood pressure is through the roof because of this garbage.

Red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere

Yep, that's what a party typically consists of. I would put on bonus points for ripping off "Red Solo Cup," but I'm not actually sure if that actually happens.
Hands in the air like we don't care

Hey, look! A song consisting with what is undoubtedly the least inspired lyrics EVER.

I mean, good lord, she borrows words from one of her own songs! I thought that was some stupid crap that only rappers did when they felt the need to mention their name in every song they do. Whoops! Ya sure showed me! Please, enlighten me more with this clever writing.

'Cause we came to have so much fun now

'Ey mon! Let's break out da' coconuts and da' rum now, mon!

Bet somebody here might get some now

Oh, you mean sex? Yeah, that happens at parties, too. I swear, if one more part of this song has words rhyming with the same word... I'll probably write the rest of this blog in green.

Remember when this chick was supposed to be a role model? Haha, ooohhh Disney...

If you're not ready to go home
Can I get a "Hell, no!"? (Hell no)

That's my reaction every time I hear this or Cruise. You know? Typically I would be mad at an awful slant-rhyming attempt. Now I'm kind of happy to hear something that doesn't rhyme with itself.

'Cause we're gonna go all night
'Til we see the sunlight, alright

Woah! Twice in a row! Careful now, eight writers, if you actually make intelligible lyrics too much you'll be considered one of those "hippie squares."

So la da di da di

Made up nonsense syllables to make up for the lack of creativity. Always a good sign of things to come.
We like to party

Oohhh, we know you do.

Dancing with Molly

Ecstasy. Molly = Ecstasy. She called the public an "idiot" for not figuring this out.

Good hint, Miley, thanks.

You know, usually I would rant about this here, but... I'll save it for another day. Look forward to that.

Doing whatever we want

The structure of this song is so all over the place I'm surprised that this doesn't count as a separate part. It is still technically verse 1, somehow, even though she changes the feel of the lyrics about four times.

This is our house

How many people are you talking about? Maybe they can pay for the property damage and the bleeding ears this song will cause.

This is our rules

"Partying" is not a rule, it is a recreational activity of cutting loose. There are no rules to party. DON'T SAY THERE ARE RULES TO PARTY, YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

...Oh. At least the song's title makes sense.

And chorus... yay.

And we can't stop
And we won't stop

...Dammit.
Can't you see it's we who own the night?
Can't you see it's we who 'bout that life?

The chorus of a song is supposed to be the catchiest part. The part that gets stuck in your head. It's why "Thrift Shop" and--ugh--"Umbrella" are so popular. It gets in your head and you find yourself singing it three weeks later.

Also, another important detail, choruses are supposed to be intelligible. I almost can't understand a single word Miley Cyrus is "singing" here. I mean, come on, even In Flames has an eligible chorus in their song that's most well known! (Thanks Guitar Hero!) It sounds like she had a stroke in the middle of the song and just decided to wing it with one half of her face and flap the other half like she's a penguin trying to strip tease. (It would explain that obnoxious "beat" in the background)

And we can't stop
And we won't stop

Really? I must have missed that the first time you slurred it.
We run things, things don't run we

...I keep having to tell myself it could be worse. Just not by much.
Don't take nothing from nobody

Along with the illegal drugs, leaked nude photos, constant partying and drinking... yeah, good work Miley. You can't add theft to that list.

Yet.

Okay, okay, all joking aside, this is just a thuggy way of saying that we ain't gonna take nuffin' from da' man, holmes. You probably already knew that.

Yeah, yeah

I can't hate putting "yeah's" in a song. Fine. You get 0.00001th of a point, eight writers.

That stupid, boring pretentious hook repeats, if you're wondering. I refuse to write it or even look at it again, so we'll go to the second verse, I guess. At least, I'm assuming it's the second verse.

To my home girls here with the big butt

Off to a riveting start.
Shaking it like we at a strip club

This chick used to be the cream of the crop on the Disney channel. You know, that one specifically designed for kids. With cartoons and silly shows? Now she's singing about this crap?

(The funny has been turned off. Skip this if you want)

What the hell is wrong with this picture, I wonder? Selena Gomez is basically doing the same thing (even though I don't mind, honestly) and this used to be Hannah Montana. A stupid, stupid show, but still, it had a few good moments and a lot of good morals... erm, so I heard.... This is the same person. She rips people off, is basically a humongous a-hole to everyone, does stupid crap for attention, and she made this, this example of what is wrong with the music scene today, put along with a video that still makes no sense, and she gets more famous because of it?!

Stop! Stop treating people like her like they are royalty! Sure, I'll brand myself a "hater," but a hater with logic. No, I did not make her famous, no, I did not buy her music, and no, I do not like her. But if someone treated me like the way she treats the whole world, I wouldn't glorify them. I'd give them a piece of my mind.

(We're good now.)

Okay, back to the atrocious music.

Remember only God can judge ya

And he'd probably be pretty disappointed in what he saw if he watched this music video.
Forget the haters 'cause somebody loves ya

Hm, that's weird. I do imagine poppin' yo booty like your a stripper would make a lot of people love you. And your shapely orb at the same time!
And everyone in line in the bathroom
Trying to get a line in the bathroom

Where's the CIA when you need them? I need a major brainscan to forget that I just heard those lines. I mean, did everyone suddenly have to pee at once or something? God knows that's all girls use bathrooms for... (Older brother's interjection: Drugs, Austin. "A line" in the second...heh...line no longer refers to a group of people, she's talking about a line. Of cocaine or heroin, etc. Don't do those drugs or you'll start writing crap like this.)

(Younger brother's counter-interjection: I know what she was talking about. It's why I added in the last sentence about the bathroom. I mean, but sure, good job, knife-stabbing the joke with that one. Why not just punch me in the testicles next time and tell me Santa isn't real? Jeez, man, JEEZ.) 
We all so turned up here
Getting turned up, yeah, yeah

Oh, how clever. She means "hot." Hahahaha. Not on your life, sport.

The stupid bull crap about Molly's, the chorus, and a slightly modified hook (they add the word "to" at the end of each stanza, give the same rhyming words some variety) is repeated. Throw in some "yeah's" for good measure, and we've reached the end of the song.

Thank. God. Question time:

So, what went wrong? Everything. There is no direction in this song at all. There is no consistent flow of the lyrics since they're changing style every 10 seconds. In some songs, this works pretty well. In this one, it's bad. Actually, everything is bad. There are nonsense syllables, absolutely pointless lyrics, no driving direction for this to go in, and absolutely zero redeeming qualities of this slop. It is a true testament that eight people could come up with something this bad on every level imaginable.

Who is this song intended for? I still don't know. I listened to it twice (without that awful music video. Have I driven the point home yet?) and never figured out who this was meant for. This isn't a song you would typically hear on the radio... then again, neither is "Party Rock Anthem" but no one shut up about that for half a year either. This isn't house music, nor is it really hip-hop or R&B. I didn't look up the label, but I'm just gonna say it's a weird baby produced off of a threesome gone wrong with these genres. 

This song is bad and the people who made it should feel bad. And yet, it is number 2 on the Hot 100.

This is why I hate Billboard.

I'm aware Miley Cyrus wants to break out of the Disney girl phase, and okay, whatever. But her trying to be a "bad girl" just comes off as extremely weird and creepy. That inane music video, this stupid song, all the trouble she keeps getting in on purpose... God, all she needs to do now is beat a homeless man with a severed dog leg and her life will be made. 

This song is a lazy, poorly structured cash-in, and of course it will make millions. I hope to God it doesn't win anything, but if it does then I'll just give up and shove so much food down my gullet I can't move. At least I can keep myself away from the people who made this famous in that case.

Alternative listening: Sigh... it's hard to say with this one. If you want to have a song that sorta has the same pattern but is executed better, do the artist who doesn't rip people off. (But is still kinda dumb.) If you want Miley Cyrus that is a few shades of not-as-bad-but-still-pretty-atrocious, here, take it. If you want something that is at least good, pop in a Beatles CD or just listen to the sound of silence. 

There is a lot of music that is just as bad as this but still gets noticed. Miley Cyrus just happened to fall under a set of circumstances including being sick in the head and having a popular song that is popular at this time. It's not her fault that--

Okay, it sort of is her fault this is such a travesty. But we can't only blame her, to be fair. Still, the verdict:

1/10: A Chinese water torture session set to the sound of whales mating

Austin Reviews: Love Somebody

Artist: Maroon 5

Chart position at the time of writing: 10 (Still there at the moment)

I Can't Believe I'm About to Say Good Things About Maroon 5: Bink!

Review: Oh, Maroon 5.

Ooohhhh, Maroon 5.

We have a history, you and I.

About a year ago, I claimed that I thought Maroon 5 was the 8th worst band I'd ever heard. Now, I think I'm taking it back on that statement. I was young, naive. I had not yet tasted the fruits of labor.

Still haven't. Still don't have a job.

But honestly, how can a band go from having an exceptional piece of both music and writing in 2004 (and just having a fantastic album that year in general), to having one of the most atrocious, overrated pieces of garbage to ever have airtime?

You cannot say "Moves Like Jagger" is a good song when you listen to early Maroon 5. Yes, I do believe they sold out--for a time. But this song is currently number 10 on Billboard, and, again, I absolutely cannot believe I'm saying this.

...It's not that bad STOP!

Put down the tomatoes!

I know saying nice things about anything is not anywhere near as funny as being a jerk and ripping apart Kesha. But... it's not horrid. It's not great, not by any means, but compared to what else I've been hearing lately? If you don't think this will be as funny, fine, go, be that way, it doesn't bother me JEEZ. But otherwise, stay and see! There must be something we can make fun of!

Now let's see... ah! The lyrics!

Yeah, I said "She Will Be Loved" is good song writing, because it is. This song still has some parts that are definitely very not-good. We'll just pluck around those gooey good parts of the song and dissect what went wrong, eh?

I know you're inside, you're feeling so hollow,
Colon cleanings will do that to ya.

And its a hard pill for you to swallow, yeah
Ooohhh, is she on magnesium supplements, too? Yeah, they are basically horse pills...

But if I fall for you, I'll never recover,
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same,
Ah, it's one of those "first love" scenarios. Adam Levine is probably drowning in pus--um, women--most of the time, so I doubt he's actually serious with these words.

It's a good thong-dropper though, that's for sure. Oookkkaaayy, just gonna steer us away from the awkward territory now...

Chorus!

I really wanna love somebody,
I really wanna dance the night away,
I know we're only half way there,
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way,
I really wanna touch somebody,
I think about you every single day,
I know we're only half way there,
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way,
Ohohohoho, I bet you do wanna dance the night away, Maroon 5! Especially if you have the Moves Like Jagger!

(This is the part where Austin is smacked for making a horrible, horrible joke)

Seriously, the first few lines of this chorus sound like one big innuendo for sex. "But you can take me all the way" sure isn't helping anything either. The second half does not fair much better. Touching and thinking a lot... now Adam Levine just kind of sounds like a stalker.

So we have a very pedophilia-ish chorus. Also, at the beginning of the chorus, does the background music sound like a broom with a weird thing for Daft Punk to anyone besides me? Seriously, go listen to it.

I swear that's a broom.

You're such a hard act for me to follow,
...Yeah, I bet.


Love me today don't leave me tomorrow, yeah
This song does kind of sound like a high school relationship...


But if I fall for you, I'll never recover,
Hearing it a second time is lazy writing... also, I just picture every member of the band plummeting off a building screaming "BUT I LOVED YOOOOUUUUU--" all the way down. Then they'd be "Maroon On the Ground 5"

(I'm so sorry for that joke.)

If I fall for you, I'll never be the same,
Relationships can leave a lasting impact. But stay positive! Maybe you won't be the same for all the right reasons!

...Yeah, I got nothin'. The Pedobear inspired chorus repeats and we go to the bridge, which is the part in the song that does rub me the wrong way...

I don't know where to start, I'm just a little lost,
...You just said you guys were already halfway there.

I wanna feel like we never gonna ever stop,
If this song is about sex, then you both are going to get sore after awhile, y'know.

I don't know what to do, I'm right in front of you,
Do you have that weird condition where you do fine in front of millions of people you don't know but basically pee yourself in front of the girl you find attractive?

Don't worry, I do to!

Asking you to stay, you should stay, stay with me tonight, HUYEEEAAAAAAHHHH
...Okay, this has to be about doing it. No one just asks if you want to "spend the night" and doesn't immediately bump uglies and play tonsil hockey with each other. It seems that chorus confirms my beliefs!

Aaaand then said chorus repeats one more time. Before we wrap this up, here is the problem I have with the bridge: It's too much like the verses. I know that you need to be consistent in a song, but a bridge is supposed to be a cutaway from the chorus and verses. Some good examples of bridges in songs are here, here, and here. A bridge typically connects the verse to the chorus, making the song flow more evenly and keep it together (hence, "bridge.") A bridge is to be used once in a song and usually has a different feature in the music.

In this song it just kind of... doesn't. Sure, it has a bit of a different rhythm and words are placed on different notes, but when you really dig into it... it's a bit too similar to the verses for my liking. Same staccato patterns and same sung notes. It doesn't really connect anything super-well. Also, that last "yeah" was so sharp that my dog could hear it from outside.

Now that we've gotten that nerdy, boring songwriting stuff out of the way... I guess we can conclude this.

Is this the greatest piece of work ever done? No, absolutely not. It isn't even Maroon 5's greatest song. But after that last piece of trash that was passed off as music? You can bet I'll take this.

The writing is pretty lazy and it does suffer from GBS (Generic Beat Syndrome), but it isn't trying to be fancy, there's no stupid rap right in the middle that makes no damn sense, and overall, it's just an okay song. It won't break any records or win any awards, but there are far worse things on Billboard right now.

Much, much worse.

Recommended Alternative Listening: If you don't like that and just skipped to the end, then I guess I can put "She Will Be Loved" back down here. If borderline creepy love songs are your thing, then Eric Clapton has you covered. And if you like decent pop music from still somewhat relevant musicians, then this douchebag has you covered. Guess you're outta luck otherwise.

Again, didn't hate this song, but by no means is it the greatest thing since sliced bread. So a fitting rating will be a...

5/10: Toast with Sprite.

Andrew Reviews: Best Song Ever

"Artist:" One Direction
Chart Position at time of writing: 15 (Peak: Are you kidding me?! 2?! This song hit #2?!)
Link to the idiotic music video: Here
Link that actually gets you to the song without two-and-a-half minutes of time-wasting nonsense that someone mistook as humor: Here.

Review: Yeah, I know. I can hear the sarcasm now: "A male hating One Direction!? Oh, will wonders never cease? Next you'll tell me that you don't like Justin Bieber or the Backstreet Boys!"

In response: Bite me. Yeah, Bieber sucks, but I'll ignore him. The Backstreet Boys could harmonize, and you know what? I didn't hate One Direction's first song, "What Makes You Beautiful." It was a harmless, endlessly catchy pop song that has a nasty habit of burying itself into a person's cerebral cortex for weeks at a time. Its music video also didn't feature over two minutes of insulting, unfunny filler. (No, I won't be letting that one go.)

Any hoo, I didn't hate that song, and I didn't bother listening to their other stuff, figuring that these guys would be joining the ranks of every boy band that isn't N*Sync, the Backstreet Boys, or New Kids on the Block. (Please tell me what long-lasting boy bands I missed in the comments!)

Then this happened. I've already wasted enough of your time rambling about boy bands, and I will not turn this blog post into a text-based replica of the idiotic music video. To the lyrics!

Maybe it's the way she walked 
straight into my heart and stole it.

Inoffensive boy band lyrics. I can't really complain here. I can, however, point out that the intro to this song sounds a lot like The Who's "Baba O'Riley." Oh, sorry, that's the song that people who hate music think is called "Teenage Wasteland." Don't hang out with those people.

Back to the modern dreck: I'm not the only person who thought the song sounded like "Baba O'Riley" Now, there's nothing wrong with sampling music, but to deny it (see MTV link in previous sentence) and use the sample in a song that's nowhere near as good...that's a problem. Let's carry on.

Through the doors and past the guards,
just like she already owned it.

Well, at least we've completely abandoned the "Baba O'Riley" theme now. But...can we have it back? My teeth are starting to hurt from the sugary lyrics. Also, whose heart has multiple guards? Most people rely on themselves to guard their heart. Perhaps the 1D guys were referring to their legions of fans who will f***ing murder anyone who touches them, WE SWEAR! Ahem. I mean, they swear. Uh...let's roll on...

I said, "Can you give it back to me?"
She said, "Never in your wildest dreams."

Yep. That sounds like a healthy relationship. No way this will end poorly.

And we danced all night to the best song ever.

I am in no way, shape, or form a dancing expert. Or a dancing novice. Or a dancer at all. But...don't you think the DJ would be fired from a club if he played the same song over and over again all night? Or, if this isn't a radio station/club, don't you think one or the other of these idiots would say "Hey, ya think we should change songs?"

Look, I love some songs so much that I can hear them 2-3 times in a row. But after 6 minutes of "Lonely Boy" it's time to switch songs--probably even artists. This is a dumb, dumb stupid line. There, I said it.

We knew every line. Now I can't remember
How it goes but I know that I won't forget her
'Cause we danced all night to the best song ever.

It's the best song ever but you can't remember the lines? After listening to it all night? Perhaps it's because I was raised listening to music (nearly all of which didn't suck*), but I can remember the lyrics to most songs that I've heard more than twice. I've had students who can barely spell their own names, but who can recite the lyrics to their favorite tunes like it's nothing. And here you are, you little English-Irish jerk, telling me that you can't remember any of the dang words to "the best song ever?!"

As a side note, that "English-Irish" bit in the line above this one was not my idea of a joke. Wikipedia actually describes the band as such. Apparently 4 of 'em are English, 1 is Irish. It doesn't matter, really. The English and Irish have had their crap patched up for a while now, and making jokes about that would be tasteless. Much like English food and Irish women.

Lastly, didn't Tenacious D already do "the best song ever but we can't remember it any more" joke? And wasn't theirs funnier?

I think it went oh, oh, oh
I think it went yeah, yeah, yeah
I think it goes oh

If anything makes me madder than stupid lyrics, it's lyrics that don't say/mean anything. Like these. This is filler. The songwriters (there are 4 on this one) couldn't be bothered with fake lyrics? Or more plagiarism of The Who? Maybe they could have said that the song went "Ob-la-di, ob-la-da," since that is the most awful thing the Beatles recorded and I wouldn't care if One Direction ripped that song off because it's so saccharine and terrible that it justifies The Beatles breaking up.

OK, OK, one British pop band at a time. We have some really awful lyrics coming up here.

Said her name was Georgia Rose,
and her daddy was a dentist.

I...I'm not sure where this is going. Is the next line going to be about the financial security brought from marrying into the medical field?

Said I had a dirty mouth
(I got a dirty mouth)
but she kissed me like she meant it.

Oh, so the dentist line was to set up a line about...about the girl kissing your dirty mouth? I'm going to try to break this down, but it's a fool's errand. I know I'm going to fail. Feel free to skip to the next section of lyrics.

OK, for those of you still with me--WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! There are two possible meanings to the phrase "dirty mouth," and neither one makes sense here. Definition one involves profanity. We know that's not this one, because I'm not sure any of these guys know what swear words are. If you told them to curse, they'd be like kindergarteners with Tourette's--they'd shout "POOP!" and "FART!" in high-pitched tones for 5 minutes and take a nap and we'd laugh because it's adorable. But these guys don't have that kind of "dirty mouth."

Which leaves us with definition number two: they just have filthy mouths, physically. And this chick is really into plaque and the feel of her tongue brushing against uneven English rows of unclean English teeth because she kissed the dude like she meant he had a dirty mouth. Sadly, this picture right here lays that theory to rest. Those are the 5 cleanest, straightest sets of teeth in the entirety of the British Isles. So this set of lines makes no dang sense.

I said, "Can I take you home with me?"
She said, "Never in your wildest dreams."

So she's into dirty mouths and making out with guys she just met, but not down for a trip home. I'm conflicted. On the one hand, good to see someone telling kids not to just give it away. On the other hand, they're doing a dang poor job of it, since most One Direction fans would scream and faint at the chance to be "taken home" by one of these five pretty boys. Fine, we'll call it a wash and move on. The song is close to over.

There's another repeat of the (awful) chorus, but I've already used my jokes about that one. Now, let's see a fill that says almost nothing!

You know, I know, you know I'll remember you,
And I know, you know, I know you'll remember me,

That is 19 words to say "I'll remember you, you'll remember me." Heck, man, it took Sarah McLachlan 8 words to say the same thing! In One Direction's favor, this song is much less likely to be used in a humane society commercial. Though that would be equal parts awful and hilarious.

And you know, I know, you know I'll remember you,
And I know, you know, I hope you'll remember how we danced,
how we danced

Well, you danced all night. To "the best song ever" that you can't freaking remember. That was easy. If she has 3 firing brain cells she can come up with that one.

After that there's some counting and a repeat of the chorus one too many times. But that's it. 3 minutes and 18 seconds to say "I danced with and made out with a girl this one time. I liked the song, I liked her, and I never saw her again." It took me 7.2 seconds to say that quoted part aloud. You should time yourself saying it to figure out how much of your life One Direction wasted with this song!

*--Except Rush. Rush sucks. If Rush sucked any harder they'd open up a motherfletching black hole in Canada and cause the rest of the world to collapse upon itself. Or it'd open a gateway to a negative dimension where terrible music is perceived as good. Actually, that might explain Nickelback, Avril Lavigne, Drake, and Justin Bieber being Canadian. Rush sucks.+

+--Niel Peart is a great drummer, though.

Recommended Alternative Listening: For a man of my age, this one's easy. I lived through the height of the boy band era: try some Backstreet Boys (lyrically meaningless but at least trying for depth), or N*Sync singing about a breakup. Or try the one of original pop/rock boy bands: some early Beatles or The Monkees. If you only liked the first 20 seconds of this song, try the original on for size! If you insist on One Direction, listen to "What Makes You Beautiful". There's a link to it up there somewhere. I'm getting ads for Tiger Beat in my browser already, so I'm gonna go scrub it out. Have a good day!

Austin Reviews: F**kin' Problems, Mad Libs Edition

"Artists:" ASAP Rocky featuring 2Chainz, Drake, and Kendrick Lamar
Chart position at the time of writing: Off! (Peaked at 8)
IT BURNS US! IT BURNS US! Bink!

Review: I try to keep things PG...-13, soooo... if you've heard this song, you can already tell how many bad words this has in it.

Lots and lots. That's how many bad words, on the nose, are in this song.

I know that this is not on the Top 100 anymore, but seeing as it peaked at 8, it deserves a mention. Before we begin, however, we need to lay down some censorship rules.

Every time the B-word is dropped it will be replaced with the word "strawberry."

Every time the F-word is dropped it will be replaced with the word "ocelot."

Every time the N-word is dropped it will be replaced with the word "choc--" um, "vanilla."

Every time the S-word is dropped it will be replaced with the word "wrench."

The D-word (referring to genitalia) is dropped every now and then, so let's say "spaghetti" for it. Keep it conventional.

Every time the A-word is dropped--hm.

Weird. It seems that not once "ass" is used in this song. Isn't that strange? Well, this one isn't gonna untangle itself. Let's get to it!

I love bad strawberries, that's my ocelot problem,
And yeah I like to ocelot, I got a ocelot problem,
I love bad strawberries, that's my ocelot problem,
And yeah I like to ocelot, I got a ocelot problem, 
I love bad strawberries, that's my ocelot problem,
And yeah I like to ocelot, I got a ocelot problem,

We could already start a wildcat jungle.

If finding somebody real is your ocelot problem,
Bring ya girls to the crib maybe we can solve it.

That's the hook. If we're counting the intro from the Vevo video, this took a full 42 seconds of music.

Four lines. 42 seconds of music.

Folks, this is not a good statistic. The song is under four minutes long, and this took nearly a minute of it. Still, the first solution to a problem is admitting that you have one. This songs message may actually be one big therapy session!

And boy, are we gonna hear about these ocelot problems even more... go ahead Mr. Rocky, tell us more about your problem.

Chapter 1: The Unfortunate Addiction of A$AP Rocky

Hold up strawberries simmer down,
Takin' hella long strawberry give it to me now,
Make that thing pop like a semi or a nine,
Oh baby like it raw with a shimmy shimmy ya,

As A$AP slowly begins speaking Bulgarian towards the end of this part of the verse, we see that he needs his strawberries to simmer down, because having a lot of money and sleeping with beautiful women when you look like A$AP Rocky must be a horrid thing. He then stresses to us that it is taking far too long for him to get into the girls pants and that she should just give in. The stanza with the "semi or a nine" is probably relating her butt to a gun and how she should pop it--just, try not to put too much thought into that last statement--and I'm not really sure what he's talking about with that last part. Probably wanting to relay to us about the dangers of unprotected sex and how you should never do recreational drugs, kiddos! Thanks A$AP for looking out for our youth!

Huh, A$AP get like me,
Never met a motherocelot fresh like me,
All these motherocelots wanna dress like me--

Slight pause here. 1) A$AP states he's never met anyone like him, and I can guarantee you he is telling the truth. Also that everyone apparently wants to dress like him, presumably out of jealousy of just how dashing he looks. 2) He just rhymed "me" three times in a row, in case any amateur songwriters want to have a simultaneous brain aneurysm, but we'll save that rant for another day. Moving on:

Put the chrome to your dome make you sweat like Keith,

Here we see just how bad of a motherocelot A$AP is, telling us how many people he has killed by shooting them in the head. Or it's a penis reference. I just don't know anymore. Also, Keith refers to Keith Sweat, although he has nothing to do with this song.

Cause I'm the vanilla, the vanilla vanilla, like how you figure?

x3 vanilla combo! Finish him! FATALITY!
(Scorpion wins)

Getting figures and ocelot strawberries, she rollin' Swishers,

If you don't know, Swisher cigars are really bad. I don't smoke, but it's what I've heard. So no one actually smokes the tobacco in Swishers--they fill it with weed. Look it up.

Brought her strawberries, I brought my vanillas, they getting bent up off the liquor,

Oh, well it was so nice of you to bring her strawberries! She'll be so thrilled when you--oh. I edited that. Oops. Well, at least you brought the vanilla. We can make some homemade ice cream! Oh. Dang. At least you brought the liquor so we can make the rest of this song bearable! Hooray!

She love my licorice, I let her lick it,

I didn't edit that one, believe it or not. 

Also, oh wow, a line about blowjobs. I've never heard a song like that before.

They say money make a vanilla act vanilla-rish

I--what?

But at least a vanilla vanilla rich,
I be ocelot broads like I be ocelot bored,
Turn a dyke strawberry out have her ocelot boys, beast,

Stick to what you know about being rich, I guess. It must be a charmed life to be getting shagged so much that you're actually bored from it. I mean, come on, most of my dates are just half a pizza and my right hand.

Dyke referring to "a natural or artificial slope of wall to regulate water levels," by the way. Pretty impressive how A$AP's deep, meaningful lyrics can take on such beautiful flowing meanings such as that.

Also the hook repeats, if you want to go read that again. Not my place to judge.

Chapter 2: The Rehabilitating Features of Drake's Obtuse Genitalia

Verse 2 is taken by Drake, who I'm sure will enlighten us with some meaningful lyrics about--

I know you love it when this beat is on,
Make you think about all of the vanilla you've been leading on,

Never mind.

Make me think about all of the rappers I've been feeding on,

Is--is this another oral sex reference?

Got a feeling that's the same dudes that we speakin' on, oh woooorrrd?

Just remember Drake: Hip-hop doesn't have time for you. You'll be just as washed up as every other artist in a few short years.

Ain't heard my album? Who you sleepin' on?

Well, she was probably sleepin' on the success of Macklemore at the time.

You should print the lyrics out and have a ocelot read-along,
Ain't a ocelot sing-along unless you brought the weed along,

So what you're saying is your lyrics are so bad that you have to be high to sing and enjoy them?

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP RHYMING WORDS WITH THE SAME WORD! IT'S LAZY, IT'S STUPID, AND--sorry. Another day. Let's move on to what is undoubtedly the worst part of the song:

Then ju... (Okay, I got it)

OK, wait just a second here. This is the part in the song where Drake can not hold out a "note" (and I use that with the most massive air quotes the world has ever seen), so he stops singing it, tells the mixers that he's got it, and continues to go on instead of redoing the entire verse.

I'm... I'm at a loss for words. This part alone is musical cancer. It is the excrement that fills up a gas station restroom. I don't know what was going through anyone's head at this point, but they had to have been high. That's the only explanation I can find. 

I mean, is there something wrong with just restarting the verse? Going in for another take? I can't even make jokes about this it pisses me off so much. This got number 8 on Billboard. That may be the worst part.

This got to number 8 on Billboard.

Going on...

Then just drop down and get yo' eagle on,
Or we can stare up at the stars and put the Beatles on,

All that wrench you talkin' bout is not up for discussion,

I will pay to make it bigger,

I don't pay for no reduction,

"Getting your eagle on" is a dance move, if you're wondering. Or if you want to take the romantic approach with Drake, you can stare up at the stars at night and listen to a band that is actually worth listening and giving your attention to. It will still end in sex, but hey, what can we say? Drake's got an ocelot problem.

Also, great job, you lyrical geniuses you, for rhyming "on" with "on" more than once in the song. Why don't you just hire Nicki Minaj to do the rest of the song for you?

(Rhetorical)

And with the last lines, I have no idea, so we'll assume he's talking about plastic surgery in the breast area. Jeez...

If it's comin' from a vanilla I don't know, then I don't trust it,

Drugs.

If you comin' for my head, then motherocelot get to bustin', 

Oooohhh, Drake may fight me if I come for him! I sure hope he handles it with the same maturity he always has. Alternatively, this is probably another line about blowjobs. Sure are getting a lot of those...

Lines, I mean. Not blowjobs. I'm not Drake.

Yes Lord, I don't really say this often,

Anyone else finding the irony in saying "Yes Lord" right in the middle of this dirty-word-fest? 

But this long spaghetti vanilla ain't for the long talking, I beast,

I hate how sometimes this song rhymes and other times it completely goes right off the rails. It's hard to keep a good flow going when some words not only don't rhyme, but barely sound the same. Just because something has the same number of syllables as something else, it doesn't necessarily mean you need to try and work them into a song.

And boy howdy do I looooovvveee hearing lines about Drake's extended penis! Probably as much as he loves tiny blue pills!

Aaaaand we still have one verse to go. The hook plays again, so we'll skip over that and go into Kendrick Lamar's verse.

And holy crap you need to hear it for yourself before you read this.


Chapter 3: A Dive Into the Tortured Mind of Kendrick Lamar -- As Caused By Constant "Girl" Lunacy

I would say "let's make a drinking game, every time Kendrick Lamar says 'girl or she,'" but you'd be dead by the end of the verse. (I really hope you listened to this before reading this part.)

Yeah hoe this the finale,

There is a God.

My pep talk turn into a pep rally,

If you call a girl a hoe I don't think you're pepping them up real well unless they are in fact a prostitute.

Say she's from the hood but she live inside the valley now,

Which hood? Which valley?

Vacate in Atlanta, then she going back to Cali

Ooohhhh. Gotcha.

Got your girl on my line, world on my line,

Who knew Mr. Lamar was such a good fisherman?

The irony I ocelot 'em at the same damn time,

Wait, you... you have sex with all the world? At the same time?...I feel like I need to take a shower now.

She eyeing me like a vanilla don't exist,
Girl, I know you want this spaghetti,

Those two words don't rhyme, whether edited out or not, but whatever... I'm glad you can keep up with your cliched, overused statements, Mr. Lamar. Just say "she wants the D" next time and I'm sure you'll have the world eating out of the palm of your hands.

Girl, I'm Kendrick Lamar,
 

In case you were wondering... good to see Kendrick doesn't have Alzheimer's.

Aka Benz--is-to-me-just-a-car,

Well, I either just had a stroke or Lamar is saying he is so rich that a Mercedes Benz to him is just another regular car. Awesome, cool, great. Nice to see rappers dishing out original ideas into their music. What will you talk about next, I wonder?

That mean your friends need to be up to par,
See my standards are pampered by threesomes tomorrow,

Ooohh, how he only accepts beautiful women and all the sex he is entitled to! Didn't see that coming!

Kill 'em all, dead bodies in the hallway,

We all have guilty pleasures, right?

All joking aside, this is probably [another] reference to having sex with several women at once. What a bad motherocelot Kendrick is.

Don't get involved listen what the crystal ball say,

...Are you... are you asking me what the crystal ball says? Warning me of what the crystal ball says?

Halle Berry, hallelujah,
Holla back I'll do ya, beast!

 Kendrick Lamar has a weird obsession with Halle Berry it seems. (It's in the hook). I'm not sure if he worships her or wants to sleep with her (or murder her) or what, but it's just odd to mention her in two separate songs. Two separate songs with the same meaning, but still.

Also, what's with this stupid beast! nonsense? I have an idea: since we're on the subject of using words popular in 2006, next we'll just write a song that's all "yo mama" jokes!

No, but seriously, this song sucks. Few redeeming qualities about it: a generic, run-of-the-mill beat, talking all about cars, long penises and women (I mean, the name of the song gives it away), a boring hook we have to hear in between verses... not good. Not great. I do think Kendrick Lamar is a decent rapper, but past that, there just isn't much going on here that should say "yeah, this song should be in the top 10 in America."

Actually, the music industry being as idiotic as it is, maybe there is and I just can't see it.

Alternatives: If you want a song about doin' it, you can't go wrong with good ole' birthday sex! If you're looking for something that's a bit more pumped-up, (not up-beat) then Hopsin's got ya covered. It's a pretty depressing song... but... I mean... okay, fine, one more for happier sound. If you want to roll "classic," I suppose Gold Digger is alright. If you don't like any of this, than good luck out there. I'm always open for suggestion. Until then, the rating for this one is a:

2/10: Fresh Baked Five-Liver Casserole on a Hot Bun

Andrew Reviews: Crazy Kids

"Artist:" Kesha, featuring will.i.am
Chart position at time of writing: 43 (Peak position: 40)
Link that I will post in direct violation of the Eighth Amendment: Link!

Review: I don't hate women. Yes, my first three reviews for the blog have been of female artists' songs, but that's just because these three songs have been shrill, awful electropop. And, hey, this one has a male artist in it!  I'm not a misogynist!

Now let me be honest: I despise Kesha's music. I hate it. Hate hate hate hate hate it. I think she is the most consistently bad artist in pop music right now. Even artists like Drake, Lil' Wayne, and Nickelback have produced songs that don't cause physical pain. Not Kesha (and I refuse to write her name with that motherfletching dollar sign. Writing it is a good way to tell people you're a label tool.). Kesha's songs are to music as leprosy is to smooth skin. This song is no exception. If anything, this song is a perfect example of the crap she foists on the listening public. Let's dive in (unwillingly and holding our noses) to the lyrics:

(Personal note: The only words that I'll "edit" from the lyrics are the F-word and any racial slurs. Our blog is PG-13, by golly. I add this because this is the first song I've done to have the F-word in it. Which is a red flag, because that word is usually a sign of piss-poor songwriting. See below.)

Hello, wherever you are
Are you dancing on the dance floor or drinking by the bar?
Tonight we do it big, and shine like stars
And we don't give a f***, 'cause that's just who we are.

Jeez, this is what we're starting with? The lyrics here are mostly harmless, but it's really imperative that you click that video link so that you understand what I hate the most about Kesha: this woman cannot sing. She absolutely cannot hit anything that resembles "notes." I empathize with her, because I cannot sing. My brother and sister can; I cannot. The difference between me and her is simple: I make a meager salary teaching, she makes millions by butchering music. And it's only gonna get worse, people.

And we are, we are, we are, we are, we are
The crazy kids, them crazy, them crazy kids
And we are, we are, we are, we are, we are
The crazy kids, we are the
We are the crazy people

We've all met someone who says he/she is "crazy." These people are, almost to a T, looking for attention. A real crazy person doesn't know they're crazy; that's what makes them crazy! Saying that you're "crazy" is, in fact, an acknowledgement of the fact that you're an attention whore. In Kesha's case, emphasis on the last word in the previous sentence. In fact, rather than go on a rant, I'll just let xkcd explain. Replace "quirky" with "crazy" and you have the perfect example of why this song sucks. The whispered end to this little bit of song (which, sadly, is the chorus and the source of the title), just adds to the whole air of desperation about it: "Look guys, I'm crazy! I'm wild! I can talk about sex and use profanity! That means I'm grown up and not predictable!" Dear Lord, Kesha is the Tom Green of music...

Wait, she's rapping now! Oh, this ought to be good...

I see ya in the club showin' Kesha love
Ain't trippin' on them bitches that be hatin'

Is this English? More to the point, is there anyone who enjoys the sound of this woman's voice? Or the way she looks? Look, I despise the music of Miss Katy Perry, but she is a very pretty lady. Same with my old nemesis Demi Lovato. Or Taylor Swift. But Kesha fans can't even use physical attractiveness as an excuse.

Focusing on the lyrics for a moment,  Kesha is proud that she ignores her "haters." But...she acknowledges them. In a single. So, I'm pretty sure that those "b*****es that be hatin'" have at least tripped her a little. The lyrics don't improve from here.

Catch a dub, chuckin' deuces
Ya'll hatin's useless
It's such a nuisance
Ya'll chickens keep your two cents
And keep your dollars, keep your loot

Is...is this English? I teach at a high school that is 40% black, 30% white, and 30% Hispanic. Not once have I ever heard any of my students say "catch a dub." Is Kesha going to watch a Japanese monster movie? Or win something? (Side note for our whiter readers: "dub" here is slang for "W," itself an abbreviation of the word "win") Because those are the only references requiring the word dub that I have ever heard.

As to the other lines, I know my hating is useless, because your idiot fans are going to buy this regardless. Done. But I will continue hating, because if I stop just one person from falling for this s*** by buying it or listening to it, I will have succeeded. Also, if hating is "useless," then it isn't really a "nuisance," because you're still paying attention to it. Which is the point of "hating." Lastly, poultry does not use money, even in small denominations.

I'm fresher than that Gucci

Guccio Gucci, founder of the Gucci clothing/fashion company, died in 1953. Kesha is still living. Ergo, this sentence is correct. Wait, what do you mean that's not what she meant?

Them boys, they want my coochie
I say no, I'm no hoochie

That's it. Music is dead. There is no sound now. This cannot be unwritten or un-heard. We're all in this awful boat together, and we're gonna switch to cannibalism before we even run out of food. Because this is fecal matter pressed onto a disc and broadcast into the ears of America. And it will drive us all insane.

Furthermore, this line, these lyrics, they are the product of 5 writers. FIVE! How in the name of all that is good and right with the world did this happen?! Paul McCartney wrote "Yesterday" by himself! Otis Redding wrote "Respect" by himself! FIVE PEOPLE generated a song that can only be described in negative terms. There is no rational reason to enjoy this! THERE ARE OTHER SONGS YOU CAN LISTEN TO AS BACKGROUND MUSIC. YOUR PARTY SONGS DO NOT HAVE TO BE POINTLESS.

Lastly, we have Kesha here bragging about fidelity. Have you ever heard her song "Take it Off"? Or "Blow", where she describes herself as "pretty and sick"? Or, and this is a classy one, "Blah Blah Blah," featuring the following actual lines:

Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dick's at...
Boy come on get your rocks off
Come put a little love in my glove box
I wanna dance with no pants on...

So yeah, Kesha, you've built up a reputation with lyrics that can charitably be described as "slutty." You're either a hoochie or a tease. Pick one and get tested.

 Your homegirl hatin',
I say "Who she?"

Kesha's grammar: the only thing worse than her music. Just kidding, nothing is worse than her music.

Kesha don't give two f***s
 
It's become abundantly clear that you don't even give one.

I came to start that ruckus
And ya wanna party with us

No, I want it to not burn when I pee.

'Cause we crazy motherf***ers

No. You're not. You're a bland, pathetic shell of a human being who markets a lifestyle of meaningless pleasure seeking as something to be desired. Drinking, partying, and sex are all fine accessories to life, but they are not the meaning of life itself. You're not "crazy," you're useless. The only thing worse than that is spreading this uselessness as something to be desired. No, this isn't funny or a joke. The song has finally broken my sense of humor. I'll just take a break as this vomit-inducing excuse for a chorus loops again. Maybe my humor will return...

...It did. The chorus is vapid and soulless. What does one do on a dance floor other than dance? Why does Kesha pronounce "big" the same way an unfortunate Hispanic stereotype would in a 1950s Western? WHY AM I STILL LISTENING TO THIS?

Oh, crap. will.i.am just showed up...

I'm buzzin' off these bubbles
I'm sippin' and I guzzle
I'm the n***a that says mazel tov

Let's ignore the stereotypical "I like to drink" first 2 lines. It's line 3 that bothers me. The "n-word" is a hot button for me, even though I'm a very, very white guy. That word is not OK for white, black, Hispanic, Native, or Asian people to use. Racial slurs aren't OK. Given that we intend to rip on rap music here, I'll save the rant for another day, given that this one is way too dang long already. Also, dude's not Jewish. Take it away, will.

I bring the trouble

When I think "trouble," I think of will.i.am. He's just a bucket of trouble. Remember when he...uh...Yeah, will.i.am is as much trouble as a cup of warm milk.

If they don't have no alcohol
Then I'm gonna smuggle

will.i.am feels the same way about booze as I do about Skittles.

Some Rosé, Chandon, drink 'til I see double
She put boobies in my face and now I'm really seeing doubles

Dude was paid money to write this. Edgar Allan Poe died penniless on the streets of Baltimore. Just throwing that out there. (PS: will.i.am might make this writer #6!)

I took her to my place to blast off like the shuttle

Aaaaand I could have gone my entire life without hearing about will.i.am's sex life.

Kissing while we talkin'
So I'm speaking with a mumble
Nemurnuhmuhnagrulenumenumenumebuble.*

That last line is the sort of thing I can't make up. Click on the link at the top of this article. Go to the 2:02 mark of this video and try to figure out what the heck the dude is doing with the mumbling part. Even better, try to remember that this song hit the Top 40 at one point. Meaning that, of all the songs in existence by July 2013, this tune was more popular than all but 39 of them. It's OK to cry.

I never thought I'd be happy to hear Kesha again, but she blessedly cuts off the "rap" that is going on here with a repeat of the meaningless chorus. Then she makes the mistake of thinking she has something profound to say. Short version: she doesn't. Long version:

This is all we got and then it's gone.

Allow me one last humorless moment: this is the most pathetic thing I have heard in pop music. Your entire existence is predicated on meaningless one night stands and drinking enough to make it so you're not yourself. Wow. Is there a stronger word than "pathetic"? Because I already used that one. Okay, okay, comedy blog the rest of the way!

You call us the crazy ones.

No one does this. At least no one under 70 does this, and don't flatter yourself Kesha, no one over 70 knows who you are.

But we gonna keep on dancing 'til the dawn.
'Cause you know the party never ends.

 It does when you run out of cash. Or, in your case, uninfected partners. Sorry, low blow.

And tomorrow we gonna do it again.

Seriously, read a damn book. Act like you speak your primary language. There are societies on our planet where women are beaten for seeking an education. At least pretend to care.

We the ones that play hard, we live hard, We love hard,

No, people with hard lives live hard. You sing (poorly) and rap (even more poorly) and are given amounts of money that I can't comprehend. You do not live hard. Your compatriots do not live hard. Sewage workers and single moms "live hard." You take up resources.

We light up the dark.

Again, no. People who contribute things to society light up the dark. Those who inspire, who do good, who feed those with less than them, who give to charity, who help make this world a less awful place, they light up the dark. You hit one note in a song about how you don't just sleep with everyone. That isn't lighting up the dark. It's doing the minimum for a paycheck.

There's one last repeat of the awful chorus, but that is, blessedly, the end of the song.

In conclusion, this song (like all of Kesha's music thus far) is atrocious. The tune isn't the worst thing I've ever heard (an honor that goes to "Barbie Girl") but it's close. It's a glorification of a hollow lifestyle that, ultimately, has no point. A popular rumor online is that Kesha is extremely smart, scoring a 1500 on the old SAT (which only went up to 1600), and having a 140 IQ. If either of those facts are true, that makes this song even more of a shame--that sort of brain should be doing so much more.

Recommended Alternative Listening: If you need a party song, try some electronica instrumentals or either of the songs I've reviewed on here ("I Love It" and "Heart Attack"). Neither of those promote actively stupid lifestyle choices. If you legitimately like Kesha's music...I assume you couldn't read most of this post. If you could, I apologize, but you have no taste in music. Objectively, this song is bad. Go listen to that will.i.am mumble part again! And weep! Weep!!!!

*--Blogger's approximation of lyrics.