"Artist:" Icona Pop
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 9 (Peak: 7)
Link that will cause hearing damage: I'm so sorry.
Review: I will be the first to admit that I don't "get" dance music. I'm of Scottish stock; we don't dance unless we've had 3 beers too many, and when we dance it looks like we're having poorly coordinated seizures with musical accompaniment. I don't enjoy this genre of music even a tiny amount, so I'm going into totally uncharted territory with this one. You can't criticize me for mocking something I don't like, though, because I haven't picked some random dance number. I have picked a song that has achieved more chart success in the US than anything Jimi Hendrix ever performed. I sincerely hope that last sentence offended you.
So I have a question for people who actually like this type of music: are the lyrics always this stupid? 15 seconds on the web tells me that Icona Pop are a Swedish duo. Any reason this song couldn't have been in Swedish? There is empirical evidence (La Bamba comes to mind) that Americans will listen to and enjoy music that isn't in English, no matter how dumb the "real" lyrics are. This song right here is an insult to English, Swedish, and several other languages. Here we go...
I got this feeling on this* summer day when you were gone.
Not a terrible starting line, but I have to let you know that it comes after 9 seconds of the most godawful noise ever. Have you ever had a video game start stuttering and then crash? Because that is what the backing track of this song sounds like. You'd think that the lyrics drowning the noise out would be a good thing, right? You'd be wrong. The two girls aren't hitting any impressive notes, they're barely singing, and it sounds like their voices have been processed by the same factory that makes the "cheese" you can get on a McDonald's burger. The scariest part of it all? This is the best part of the song. It's all downhill from here...
I crashed my car into the bridge. I watched, I let it burn.
Ladies, it's really dang hard to make a car explode/catch fire. The Mythbusters proved that back in 2009. So unless you drove a Ford Pinto into the bridge, it probably didn't burn. Also, the theme of the song is breaking free of the guy(?) who's trying to keep you down. How does destroying your own car do that? If I wanted to get back at an ex, I wouldn't make "destroy my own vehicle" step one. Wait! Maybe she's showing us how little she cares?
I threw your shit into a bag and pushed it down the stairs.
That's more like it, girls!
I crashed my car into the bridge.
You idiot.
I don't care,
I love it.
I don't care.
There's a pretty interesting debate over what the opposite of love is. Is the opposite of love hate? Or is apathy the opposite of love? Because if apathy is the opposite of love then this verse makes no dang sense at all. But, hey, I think I know what the songwriters (all 3 of 'em) were going for here. She loves the fact that she doesn't care. Alright...(Heavy rant warning! The following is not so much humor as it is a commentary on the pathetic state of humanity!)
Because if there's one thing our generation needs it's more apathy! We clearly care too much! It's not like we 20-somethings have ignored the repeated slaughter of hundreds of thousands of our fellow human beings in Africa. Or the protracted civil war in Syria. Or the waves of violence sweeping across the country we invaded under sketchy pretenses a decade ago. Nope, we all need to lay back and care even less than we already do! Thank goodness we can unironically shout how great it is to not care!
Look, I'm not saying we have to concentrate on the negative all the time. If we did, we'd collectively go nuts. But I look around and see the a huge proportion of my generation wrapped up entirely in themselves, willfully ignorant of the world around them--the last thing we need is a song telling us to care less. Then again, maybe it isn't saying that, just reinforcing it. Maybe "I don't care" is really the motto of our generation, no matter what Drake would have us believe. (Rant over. Attempts at humor & mockery of terrible lyrics resume here.)
You're on a different road, I'm in the Milky Way.
Unless this dude's "different road" is on a planet in another galaxy, he's in the Milky Way, too. Do they not have astronomy in Sweden?
You want me down on earth, but I am up in space.
Hope you cared enough to bring a space suit. I also hope you don't crash your rocket into a bridge. OK, I'll stop.
You're so damn hard to please, we gotta kill this switch
You don't kill a switch! I assume this is a reference to a kill switch, an emergency stop button included on most pieces of heavy equipment. I'm fine with "push the kill switch" or something like it to make that fit into the rhyme, but you can't kill a f***ing switch! Good Lord, it's like these people don't speak Engl--my bad. However, to cover for my casual racism, I ask again: why the eff couldn't this song have been in Swedish? I think we've established by now no one's listening to the thing for the words.
You're from the 70's, but I'm a 90's bitch.
I love it!
And now we have possibly the most nonsensical line in the whole song. Is the guy stuck in the past? Is he an older man? Does the dude wear a whole lot of tacky polyester? More importantly, why is this woman calling herself a b****? That's...usually not a compliment. And while the 90s were an awesome decade to grow up in, they weren't exactly the 60s or the 80s in terms of generational identity. Truth be told, the decade was a bit apathetic about everything, sort of like the song purports to be. Maybe that's where they get it from?
Blessedly, that's it.The song actually gets repeated word-for-word after this, but since it isn't any more intelligent the second time through, I see no need to waste your time any more than I already have. I do need to reinforce, however, that if you don't care, you probably shouldn't smash up your car...
*--They might actually say
"the summer day" or "a summer day." Either way, this is the least
stupid line of the song. Which is saying something, since "the summer
day" implies that the guy was gone for one day and got his stuff smashed up while his ex crashed her own car to show him what's what.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Well, if you're into this sort of thing, I'm gonna recommend good ol' Daft Punk. Many of their songs don't have words, and the music, while not my style, sucks about 100% less than the piece of Swedish whale vomit that is "I Love It." If you want a song about vengeance on a boyfriend, try Hit 'Em Up Style by Blue Cantrell (or the nifty folk version by the Carolina Chocolate Drops, if you're feeling a bit risky). If you want a song in a foreign language that you can dance to, consider the 80s hit 99 Luftbalons by Nena. If you want a genuine Swedish experience, buy a Volvo, go to an Ikea, or eat some meatballs. I hear they have less horse in them now.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Austin Reviews: Feel This Moment
"Artist:" Pitbull (And Christina Aguilera)
Chart Position at time of writing: 17 (Peak: 8)
Here it is if you haven't heard it: Bink!
Review: I'm going into this one with little experience, because I have not listened to much of Pitbull nor Aguilera. I have heard the song "Take On Me" though. Do you not know what that is? Just listen to the beat going on in the back of this song and you'll find out awful quick!
Do I mind current artists using old beats from old songs? Well maybe a little, but it's nothing that I'm going to get super angry over. Do I mind if an artist takes credit for it, or manipulates it into a way that makes no sense? Definitely. Pitbull probably (hopefully) didn't take credit for this, since the majority of this songs background is "Take On Me" by A-ha, which was released in 1985. The song isn't great, but at least the rhythm is used a lot better there than it is here, and it's also original! (The music video is awesome too.)
Here's the first, um... first verse?
Ask for money, and get advice,
Ask for advice, get money twice,
I'm from the Dirty, but that chico nice,
Ya'll call it a moment, I call it life.
So my first problem here is this is waaaayyy too short to be considered a verse. It then moves into a boring chorus that you will hear a few times in the song, but we'll get to that in a minute. The main problem here though is that "verse" makes no sense. "Ask for money and get advice," sure I can see that. But asking for advice and getting money twice? What money? Why twice? Did you get the same amount twice, or even the same dollar bills or whatever currency twice? Where is the Dirty? Like, is it in Detroit? Cleveland? Ghana? There are a lot of dirty places in the world, Pitbull, we need emphasis! In the last line, if Pitbull is implying that our successes last only a moment and his lasts for life, awesome. Way to sound like a jerk, you...jerk. Onto the chorus:
One day when the light is glowing,
I'll be in my castle golden,
But until the gates are open,
I just wanna feel this moment.
WOOOOHHHOOOHHHHOHHHHH
I just wanna feel this moment.
WOOHHHOOHOHHHHOOOOHOO
I just wanna feel this moment.
Mr. Worldwide! Christina Aguilera
Oye mamita, come on, dale,
Que la costa esta rica!
It then transitions into a slightly "modified," mostly ripped-off version of "Take On Me." Now, the chorus is a mess, and that is never a good thing in a song, obviously. First of all, "glowing" and "golden" don't rhyme. They don't even slant rhyme. If this rhyme was forced any harder into this chorus it would be considered a knife murder. Also, why does Christina Aguilera think that having your voice crack every three notes is charming? It does not sound good... granted, she's still better than most current "artists," so I guess she can get a pass there. However, you don't need to blare your voice like a siren every ten seconds with long, drawn out "wooooaaahhhs" because it's just unnecessary. It doesn't make this chorus any better. In fact it makes it worse. I believe that Pitbull is also referring to himself as "Mr. Worldwide," which may be selling himself a bit higher than he thinks... I doubt people in third world countries or even some first world countries care much about Pitbull. But hey, whatever helps ya sleep at night, bud. Also, Spanish. Just... take that as you may. Next verse!
Reporting live from the tallest building in Tokyo,
Long ways from the hard ways,
Filled with "So's" and "Oh, yea's",
Dade county always, 305 all day,
The Tokyo Skytree, if you're wondering, is the tallest building in all of Japan, in fact. At least Pitbull will say that he's a long way away from the troubles of the world, because the truth is good and he is correct! I don't know why he feels the need to report that from the tallest building in Tokyo, though. Most people probably won't be able to understand him... anyway, I don't know where Dade County is, and I'm not sure what "305 all day" means. I'm assuming that's the amount of money he makes daily, but that's not exactly gonna float him on as much as he thinks it is--getting to Japan is pretty expensive!
[Editor's note: Dade County is where Miami is located and 305 is the area code. You have to forgive Austin, we grew up in Randolph County, NC, so people don't really use area codes to refer to where they're from. "336 all day" would refer to the entirety of central North Carolina, so it doesn't mean anything...We're not very 'hood, sorry.]
Now baby we can parlay, or, baby, we can party.
She read books, especially about red rooms and tie ups,
I got her hooked, cause she seen me in a suit with a red tie tied up,
Meet and greet, nice to meet ya, but time is money,
Only difference is I own it,
Now let's stop time and enjoy this moment,
I don't think Pitbull knows what "parlay" means. It's a gambling term where you try to take a risk for more money... not just with cards either. I guess you could parlay with more than one person, but it'd be kind of counter-productive... I'd just stick to partying, dude. I've never read a book about red rooms and tie ups, and even at the youthful age of 19 I know what that means. (Eww, gross! Cooties!) Pitbull, c'mon man... we don't need to know what you're into or about your sex life... which is great, because that's what the rest of the verse is about! Also, I don't think you own time, that doesn't really seem possible, and I know for a fact that you can't stop time! I've tried. In the interest of time (heehee!), we'll just skip past the agonizing chorus once again and move onto the...second verse? Wait, I thought that was the second verse! Sigh...moving on...
I see the future but live for the moment.
Make sense, don't it? Ha.
No, actually. It doesn't. Since you can't fast forward time, I guess that the assumption is you'd live for the moment.
Now make dollars, I mean billions, I'm a genius, I mean brilliance.
From that grammar, no sir, you are not! This song has seven writers (granted two of them are Mr. Bull and Mrs. Aguilera) so you'd think they'd be able to come up with something better than that. I would have just settled for Pitbull going "I HAVE MORE MONEY THAN YOU!" and calling it a day there. This song, thus far, is not brilliance, unless the definition for brilliance has changed in the last few months.
This street is what scoot 'em,
And made em slicker, too slick with the ruler,
I've lost a lot, and learned a lot,
But I'm still undefeated like Shula.
Translation: The streets taught Pitbull how to write and rap. Because as we all know, road signs and trash can fires teach you how to rap. "Undefeated like Shula" is a reference to the Miami Dolphins 1972 football team, who had (and still have) the only perfect season in NFL history. The problem being he says he is still undefeated like Shula, but it should be noted that the next year, they lost two games, and the year after that, they didn't even get to the Super Bowl. Let's hope Pitbull's career is something like that...
I'm far from cheap, I break down companies with all my peeps,
Baby we can travel the world,
And I can give you all you can see,
Time is money,
Only difference is I own it,
Like a stop watch, let's stop time and enjoy this moment, dale.
Far from cheap, yet you "wrote" and produced a song like this, which is clearly a quick cash grab. There is no effort put into this if you haven't noticed. Crappy, repetitive lyrics, one beat is completely borrowed and the other is a generic 4/4 that plays in the back while Pitbull basically freestyles about how rich he is. Pitbull then reinstates that "TIME IS DA' MONEY" and that he can give you anything you see.
Matter of fact, I may use that the next time I'm at a party. "Hey baby, I can get you all you see. See that Empire State Building? I can get you it. See the moon? It's all yours. All you gotta do is sleep with me."
Pitbull, I'm sure you can get a lot of stuff...I doubt you can get everything. It's just a bit out of your league. Again, you can't own time, nor can you control it sir. I'm sorry to be the person to drop this startling piece of information on you, I really am.
Oh, then the chorus repeats. Then it's over.
Final Thoughts: I don't think it's the worst thing ever produced. I mean, "Cruise" is still a thing... but Pitbull is just stroking his di--ego throughout this entire song. I'm not even sure if "featuring Christina Aguilera" is an accurate term--she hardly plays any part in this past a crappy chorus. The back beats are ripped off and boring, everything is terribly generic, and honestly, the only real thing that I think is memorable in this song is something that already exists. Added to that are these mediocre at best and down-right moronic at worst lyrics... SEVEN PEOPLE! (Prepare to see this a lot from both of us) Seven people wrote this. It's just... so not good. And don't you dare say "songwriting is hard!" because with enough practice, no it isn't. We'll save that rant for another day though.
Alternatives? Well, if you like the generic, awful beat in the background of this song, maybe you'll like it more where it doesn't suck and actually sounds pretty good. If you like hip-hop talking about fame, then I strongly suggest "Superstar" by Lupe Fiasco. If you like Christina Aguilera in her pure, not-as-bad form, then I guess "Beautiful" isn't too bad. Past that, I guess you're outta luck.
Rating: 3/10. Cockroaches in the bathtub.
Chart Position at time of writing: 17 (Peak: 8)
Here it is if you haven't heard it: Bink!
Review: I'm going into this one with little experience, because I have not listened to much of Pitbull nor Aguilera. I have heard the song "Take On Me" though. Do you not know what that is? Just listen to the beat going on in the back of this song and you'll find out awful quick!
Do I mind current artists using old beats from old songs? Well maybe a little, but it's nothing that I'm going to get super angry over. Do I mind if an artist takes credit for it, or manipulates it into a way that makes no sense? Definitely. Pitbull probably (hopefully) didn't take credit for this, since the majority of this songs background is "Take On Me" by A-ha, which was released in 1985. The song isn't great, but at least the rhythm is used a lot better there than it is here, and it's also original! (The music video is awesome too.)
Here's the first, um... first verse?
Ask for money, and get advice,
Ask for advice, get money twice,
I'm from the Dirty, but that chico nice,
Ya'll call it a moment, I call it life.
So my first problem here is this is waaaayyy too short to be considered a verse. It then moves into a boring chorus that you will hear a few times in the song, but we'll get to that in a minute. The main problem here though is that "verse" makes no sense. "Ask for money and get advice," sure I can see that. But asking for advice and getting money twice? What money? Why twice? Did you get the same amount twice, or even the same dollar bills or whatever currency twice? Where is the Dirty? Like, is it in Detroit? Cleveland? Ghana? There are a lot of dirty places in the world, Pitbull, we need emphasis! In the last line, if Pitbull is implying that our successes last only a moment and his lasts for life, awesome. Way to sound like a jerk, you...jerk. Onto the chorus:
One day when the light is glowing,
I'll be in my castle golden,
But until the gates are open,
I just wanna feel this moment.
WOOOOHHHOOOHHHHOHHHHH
I just wanna feel this moment.
WOOHHHOOHOHHHHOOOOHOO
I just wanna feel this moment.
Mr. Worldwide! Christina Aguilera
Oye mamita, come on, dale,
Que la costa esta rica!
It then transitions into a slightly "modified," mostly ripped-off version of "Take On Me." Now, the chorus is a mess, and that is never a good thing in a song, obviously. First of all, "glowing" and "golden" don't rhyme. They don't even slant rhyme. If this rhyme was forced any harder into this chorus it would be considered a knife murder. Also, why does Christina Aguilera think that having your voice crack every three notes is charming? It does not sound good... granted, she's still better than most current "artists," so I guess she can get a pass there. However, you don't need to blare your voice like a siren every ten seconds with long, drawn out "wooooaaahhhs" because it's just unnecessary. It doesn't make this chorus any better. In fact it makes it worse. I believe that Pitbull is also referring to himself as "Mr. Worldwide," which may be selling himself a bit higher than he thinks... I doubt people in third world countries or even some first world countries care much about Pitbull. But hey, whatever helps ya sleep at night, bud. Also, Spanish. Just... take that as you may. Next verse!
Reporting live from the tallest building in Tokyo,
Long ways from the hard ways,
Filled with "So's" and "Oh, yea's",
Dade county always, 305 all day,
The Tokyo Skytree, if you're wondering, is the tallest building in all of Japan, in fact. At least Pitbull will say that he's a long way away from the troubles of the world, because the truth is good and he is correct! I don't know why he feels the need to report that from the tallest building in Tokyo, though. Most people probably won't be able to understand him... anyway, I don't know where Dade County is, and I'm not sure what "305 all day" means. I'm assuming that's the amount of money he makes daily, but that's not exactly gonna float him on as much as he thinks it is--getting to Japan is pretty expensive!
[Editor's note: Dade County is where Miami is located and 305 is the area code. You have to forgive Austin, we grew up in Randolph County, NC, so people don't really use area codes to refer to where they're from. "336 all day" would refer to the entirety of central North Carolina, so it doesn't mean anything...We're not very 'hood, sorry.]
Now baby we can parlay, or, baby, we can party.
She read books, especially about red rooms and tie ups,
I got her hooked, cause she seen me in a suit with a red tie tied up,
Meet and greet, nice to meet ya, but time is money,
Only difference is I own it,
Now let's stop time and enjoy this moment,
I don't think Pitbull knows what "parlay" means. It's a gambling term where you try to take a risk for more money... not just with cards either. I guess you could parlay with more than one person, but it'd be kind of counter-productive... I'd just stick to partying, dude. I've never read a book about red rooms and tie ups, and even at the youthful age of 19 I know what that means. (Eww, gross! Cooties!) Pitbull, c'mon man... we don't need to know what you're into or about your sex life... which is great, because that's what the rest of the verse is about! Also, I don't think you own time, that doesn't really seem possible, and I know for a fact that you can't stop time! I've tried. In the interest of time (heehee!), we'll just skip past the agonizing chorus once again and move onto the...second verse? Wait, I thought that was the second verse! Sigh...moving on...
I see the future but live for the moment.
Make sense, don't it? Ha.
No, actually. It doesn't. Since you can't fast forward time, I guess that the assumption is you'd live for the moment.
Now make dollars, I mean billions, I'm a genius, I mean brilliance.
From that grammar, no sir, you are not! This song has seven writers (granted two of them are Mr. Bull and Mrs. Aguilera) so you'd think they'd be able to come up with something better than that. I would have just settled for Pitbull going "I HAVE MORE MONEY THAN YOU!" and calling it a day there. This song, thus far, is not brilliance, unless the definition for brilliance has changed in the last few months.
This street is what scoot 'em,
And made em slicker, too slick with the ruler,
I've lost a lot, and learned a lot,
But I'm still undefeated like Shula.
Translation: The streets taught Pitbull how to write and rap. Because as we all know, road signs and trash can fires teach you how to rap. "Undefeated like Shula" is a reference to the Miami Dolphins 1972 football team, who had (and still have) the only perfect season in NFL history. The problem being he says he is still undefeated like Shula, but it should be noted that the next year, they lost two games, and the year after that, they didn't even get to the Super Bowl. Let's hope Pitbull's career is something like that...
I'm far from cheap, I break down companies with all my peeps,
Baby we can travel the world,
And I can give you all you can see,
Time is money,
Only difference is I own it,
Like a stop watch, let's stop time and enjoy this moment, dale.
Far from cheap, yet you "wrote" and produced a song like this, which is clearly a quick cash grab. There is no effort put into this if you haven't noticed. Crappy, repetitive lyrics, one beat is completely borrowed and the other is a generic 4/4 that plays in the back while Pitbull basically freestyles about how rich he is. Pitbull then reinstates that "TIME IS DA' MONEY" and that he can give you anything you see.
Matter of fact, I may use that the next time I'm at a party. "Hey baby, I can get you all you see. See that Empire State Building? I can get you it. See the moon? It's all yours. All you gotta do is sleep with me."
Pitbull, I'm sure you can get a lot of stuff...I doubt you can get everything. It's just a bit out of your league. Again, you can't own time, nor can you control it sir. I'm sorry to be the person to drop this startling piece of information on you, I really am.
Oh, then the chorus repeats. Then it's over.
Final Thoughts: I don't think it's the worst thing ever produced. I mean, "Cruise" is still a thing... but Pitbull is just stroking his di--ego throughout this entire song. I'm not even sure if "featuring Christina Aguilera" is an accurate term--she hardly plays any part in this past a crappy chorus. The back beats are ripped off and boring, everything is terribly generic, and honestly, the only real thing that I think is memorable in this song is something that already exists. Added to that are these mediocre at best and down-right moronic at worst lyrics... SEVEN PEOPLE! (Prepare to see this a lot from both of us) Seven people wrote this. It's just... so not good. And don't you dare say "songwriting is hard!" because with enough practice, no it isn't. We'll save that rant for another day though.
Alternatives? Well, if you like the generic, awful beat in the background of this song, maybe you'll like it more where it doesn't suck and actually sounds pretty good. If you like hip-hop talking about fame, then I strongly suggest "Superstar" by Lupe Fiasco. If you like Christina Aguilera in her pure, not-as-bad form, then I guess "Beautiful" isn't too bad. Past that, I guess you're outta luck.
Rating: 3/10. Cockroaches in the bathtub.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Andrew Reviews: Heart Attack
"Artist:" Demi Lovato
Chart position at time of writing: 11 (Peak position: 10)
Video link that you'll regret clicking on: here
Review: It it fair to make fun of a Disney product like Demi Lovato? I mean, I'm a 26 year old male--not exactly the target demographic for our mouse-eared friends, so I'm supposed to hate everything that they produce, right? Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, High School Musical, etc. etc. As a man with a younger sister, I've hated Disney's tween crap with for longer and with more fervor than most. So maybe it's fate that my first review for this blog is directed at a Disney product. Well, that, or I'm just holding a grudge.
OK, on to the music. Here's the opening lines:
Puttin’ my defenses up
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I’d have a heart attack
Eleven seconds in and we're already off the rails. Nothing too egregious in the lyrics beyond the irritating slant rhyme of "up" and "love," but that's not what we're focusing on here. Even if the song has six writers that's not what we're focusing on here. The audio starts out as merely mediocre and takes a quick turn into vomit-inducingly bad. To properly understand what's so bad about this clip, you need to click on the link up there. Because the word "attack" is force-fed through a computer with schizophrenia and a stuttering problem. It sounds like Porky Pig inhaled helium and tried to read the lyrics. Oh, this is not promising...
Never put my love out on the line
Never said yes to the right guy
Never had trouble getting what I want
But when it comes to you, I’m never good enough
When I don’t care
I can play ‘em like a Ken doll
Won’t wash my hair
Then make 'em bounce like a basketball
No bigger turn-on than a girl who brags about how she uses men like playthings, am I right fellas? Look, Demi Lovato is a very pretty lady, but she's basically spending 7 of these 8 lines bragging about toying with her previous boyfriends. She's like the anti-Taylor Swift. But wait! That line in the middle--perhaps a change is coming for Miss Lovato! Read/listen on!
But you make me wanna act like a girl
Paint my nails and wear high heels
Yes you, make me so nervous
That I just can’t hold your hand
I think I've heard lyrics like this before...Hm, here's a completely random and unrelated sample of the 1993 song "You Make Me Want to Wear Dresses" by Lisa Germano:
You make we want to wear dresses
You look at me so fragile
You make me think about nothing
It feels so good like that
You look at me so fragile
Nah, no similarities there...I don't even know what I was going for. Wait, there's a chorus coming in "Heart Attack."
You make me glow, but I cover up
Won’t let it show, so I’m
Puttin’ my defences up
Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I’d have a heart attack
I think I’d have a heart attack
I think I’d have a heart attack
Again, you really can't understand this without hearing the song, but the words "glow," "show," and "attack" are all held out in a manner that I can only assume was supposed to display Miss Lovato's impressive range. Truth be told, it sounds like she's shouting at us. Like "LOOK AT THESE WORDS AND HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE! GLoooOOOOOooooOOOOWWWW!" It also helps that the line about a heart attack is repeated 3 times. Just in case we missed it the first time. And in the title.
Also, let me address that slant rhyme now. I don't care how badly you want them to, the words "up" and "love" do not rhyme. How did none of the six motherfletching songwriters come up with a better line?!
Lastly, falling in love will give you a heart attack? Since we're obviously (I hope) not talking about cardiac arrest here, I can only assume this is an attempt at one o' them there metaphors. Unfortunately, Demi is resisting a relationship to avoid a heart attack. But...won't resisting love and the stresses thereof make her heart much more likely to attack her? I mean, I'm just one guy against six here, but...Never mind, let's carry on with the lyrics
Never break a sweat for the other guys
When you come around, I get paralyzed
Not to be Captain Literal here, but there's a pretty big gap between breaking a sweat and paralysis. Demi may not want to take up sports if she thinks sweating and paralysis go hand in hand. OK, that was unfair. It's possible one of the other 5 writers cooked that one up.
And every time I try to be myself
It comes out wrong like a cry for help
Is this in general, or just around your special someone? Because if the "right guy" makes you not act like you then (and I can't emphasize this enough) he's not the right guy!
It’s just not fair
Pain’s more trouble than love is worth
Very poor writing, Demi. See me after class.
I gasp for air
Get an inhaler.
It feels so good, but you know it hurts
And now you've gone and reminded me of John Mellencamp's "Hurts So Good," which I would much rather be listening to right now. (Special note to those who just said/thought/commented: "Then why don't you do that and quit mocking this song?": If I did that, then the blog wouldn't be very entertaining, now would it?) (Special note to those who just said/thought/commented: "It isn't entertaining.": Then go read something else.)
To save you some time, we'll skip over the repeated lines in the prechorus and chorus. Just know that she wants to wear perfume this time, still can't hold the dude's hand, and will apparently need a pacemaker if she develops a serious relationship.
The feelings got lost in my lungs
They’re burning, I’d rather be numb
That's smoke, dear.
And there’s no one else to blame
So scared I take off and I run
Running with burning lungs? I reiterate my previous statement about Demi and sports.
I’m flying too close to the sun
And I burst into flames
Looks like the songwriter was asleep in mythology class. Since this is, I assume, a reference to Icarus, I do feel obliged to call this one out. In the story, Icarus flies too close to the sun with his wax/feather wings and crashes into the sea. Which is, y'know, sorta the opposite of bursting into flames. Come on guys, no one in the meeting called this one out?
A few choruses later and we're blessedly finished with a very unpleasant three minutes and thirty-six seconds of screeching.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Let's try a strong-voiced lady who isn't just yelling at us. Go with Aretha Franklin's "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman." Need something more modern? Go with "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys. Both the songs carry a more positive message about that "perfect guy" without all the irritating faux teen angst.
Chart position at time of writing: 11 (Peak position: 10)
Video link that you'll regret clicking on: here
Review: It it fair to make fun of a Disney product like Demi Lovato? I mean, I'm a 26 year old male--not exactly the target demographic for our mouse-eared friends, so I'm supposed to hate everything that they produce, right? Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, High School Musical, etc. etc. As a man with a younger sister, I've hated Disney's tween crap with for longer and with more fervor than most. So maybe it's fate that my first review for this blog is directed at a Disney product. Well, that, or I'm just holding a grudge.
OK, on to the music. Here's the opening lines:
Puttin’ my defenses up
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I’d have a heart attack
Eleven seconds in and we're already off the rails. Nothing too egregious in the lyrics beyond the irritating slant rhyme of "up" and "love," but that's not what we're focusing on here. Even if the song has six writers that's not what we're focusing on here. The audio starts out as merely mediocre and takes a quick turn into vomit-inducingly bad. To properly understand what's so bad about this clip, you need to click on the link up there. Because the word "attack" is force-fed through a computer with schizophrenia and a stuttering problem. It sounds like Porky Pig inhaled helium and tried to read the lyrics. Oh, this is not promising...
Never put my love out on the line
Never said yes to the right guy
Never had trouble getting what I want
But when it comes to you, I’m never good enough
When I don’t care
I can play ‘em like a Ken doll
Won’t wash my hair
Then make 'em bounce like a basketball
No bigger turn-on than a girl who brags about how she uses men like playthings, am I right fellas? Look, Demi Lovato is a very pretty lady, but she's basically spending 7 of these 8 lines bragging about toying with her previous boyfriends. She's like the anti-Taylor Swift. But wait! That line in the middle--perhaps a change is coming for Miss Lovato! Read/listen on!
But you make me wanna act like a girl
Paint my nails and wear high heels
Yes you, make me so nervous
That I just can’t hold your hand
I think I've heard lyrics like this before...Hm, here's a completely random and unrelated sample of the 1993 song "You Make Me Want to Wear Dresses" by Lisa Germano:
You make we want to wear dresses
You look at me so fragile
You make me think about nothing
It feels so good like that
You look at me so fragile
Nah, no similarities there...I don't even know what I was going for. Wait, there's a chorus coming in "Heart Attack."
You make me glow, but I cover up
Won’t let it show, so I’m
Puttin’ my defences up
Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I’d have a heart attack
I think I’d have a heart attack
I think I’d have a heart attack
Again, you really can't understand this without hearing the song, but the words "glow," "show," and "attack" are all held out in a manner that I can only assume was supposed to display Miss Lovato's impressive range. Truth be told, it sounds like she's shouting at us. Like "LOOK AT THESE WORDS AND HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE! GLoooOOOOOooooOOOOWWWW!" It also helps that the line about a heart attack is repeated 3 times. Just in case we missed it the first time. And in the title.
Also, let me address that slant rhyme now. I don't care how badly you want them to, the words "up" and "love" do not rhyme. How did none of the six motherfletching songwriters come up with a better line?!
Lastly, falling in love will give you a heart attack? Since we're obviously (I hope) not talking about cardiac arrest here, I can only assume this is an attempt at one o' them there metaphors. Unfortunately, Demi is resisting a relationship to avoid a heart attack. But...won't resisting love and the stresses thereof make her heart much more likely to attack her? I mean, I'm just one guy against six here, but...Never mind, let's carry on with the lyrics
Never break a sweat for the other guys
When you come around, I get paralyzed
Not to be Captain Literal here, but there's a pretty big gap between breaking a sweat and paralysis. Demi may not want to take up sports if she thinks sweating and paralysis go hand in hand. OK, that was unfair. It's possible one of the other 5 writers cooked that one up.
And every time I try to be myself
It comes out wrong like a cry for help
Is this in general, or just around your special someone? Because if the "right guy" makes you not act like you then (and I can't emphasize this enough) he's not the right guy!
It’s just not fair
Pain’s more trouble than love is worth
Very poor writing, Demi. See me after class.
I gasp for air
Get an inhaler.
It feels so good, but you know it hurts
And now you've gone and reminded me of John Mellencamp's "Hurts So Good," which I would much rather be listening to right now. (Special note to those who just said/thought/commented: "Then why don't you do that and quit mocking this song?": If I did that, then the blog wouldn't be very entertaining, now would it?) (Special note to those who just said/thought/commented: "It isn't entertaining.": Then go read something else.)
To save you some time, we'll skip over the repeated lines in the prechorus and chorus. Just know that she wants to wear perfume this time, still can't hold the dude's hand, and will apparently need a pacemaker if she develops a serious relationship.
The feelings got lost in my lungs
They’re burning, I’d rather be numb
That's smoke, dear.
And there’s no one else to blame
So scared I take off and I run
Running with burning lungs? I reiterate my previous statement about Demi and sports.
I’m flying too close to the sun
And I burst into flames
Looks like the songwriter was asleep in mythology class. Since this is, I assume, a reference to Icarus, I do feel obliged to call this one out. In the story, Icarus flies too close to the sun with his wax/feather wings and crashes into the sea. Which is, y'know, sorta the opposite of bursting into flames. Come on guys, no one in the meeting called this one out?
A few choruses later and we're blessedly finished with a very unpleasant three minutes and thirty-six seconds of screeching.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Let's try a strong-voiced lady who isn't just yelling at us. Go with Aretha Franklin's "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman." Need something more modern? Go with "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys. Both the songs carry a more positive message about that "perfect guy" without all the irritating faux teen angst.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Introduction
Are you tired of pop music? Tired of the meaningless lyrics, repetitive "beats", and the endless stream of garbage shoved down the American public's collective throat and ears? Well, friend, you've come to the right place!
On this humble blog, my brother and I will attempt to combat the injustices of the Billboard Hot 100. Our goal is not to simply mock what someone considers to be "art." Our goal is to tear into the plastic, pre-packaged, flat-out boring wasteland that is 90% of popular music. Unlike other "this sucks" blogs, however, we will offer pleasing alternatives to the songs we tear into. That way, you can become a more educated listener, and possibly join our fight against the rising tide of mediocrity on our airwaves.
Two things before you begin your journey:
1.) The phenomenon of mediocre music attaining popularity isn't a new one. Need an example? In 1969, the Beatles released Abbey Road. David Bowie put out "Space Oddity." Elvis Presley's song "Suspicious Minds" became one of his last #1 singles. Friggin' Woodstock happened. Fair to say that 1969 was a good year for music, yeah? Know what the #1 single from that year was? This thing by a band that wasn't even actually a freaking band! That's what we're up against people. It's gonna be an uphill climb.
2.) Music is entirely subjective. There are very few songs that are objectively bad. We're not out to hurt anyone's feelings, even if we do so from time to time. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, especially with regards to music. That said, this blog should challenge those of you who love pop music--and that's a good thing! You shouldn't just read stuff you agree with; that's how Fox News happens. (NOTE: That will be the lone borderline political joke on this blog. Enjoy it.)
Lastly, we are but two humble brothers. If you notice a gaping hole in our lineup of "Songs so bad we wrote a page about them," drop us a line! We do take requests and feedback!
Here's to good music!
--Andrew
On this humble blog, my brother and I will attempt to combat the injustices of the Billboard Hot 100. Our goal is not to simply mock what someone considers to be "art." Our goal is to tear into the plastic, pre-packaged, flat-out boring wasteland that is 90% of popular music. Unlike other "this sucks" blogs, however, we will offer pleasing alternatives to the songs we tear into. That way, you can become a more educated listener, and possibly join our fight against the rising tide of mediocrity on our airwaves.
Two things before you begin your journey:
1.) The phenomenon of mediocre music attaining popularity isn't a new one. Need an example? In 1969, the Beatles released Abbey Road. David Bowie put out "Space Oddity." Elvis Presley's song "Suspicious Minds" became one of his last #1 singles. Friggin' Woodstock happened. Fair to say that 1969 was a good year for music, yeah? Know what the #1 single from that year was? This thing by a band that wasn't even actually a freaking band! That's what we're up against people. It's gonna be an uphill climb.
2.) Music is entirely subjective. There are very few songs that are objectively bad. We're not out to hurt anyone's feelings, even if we do so from time to time. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, especially with regards to music. That said, this blog should challenge those of you who love pop music--and that's a good thing! You shouldn't just read stuff you agree with; that's how Fox News happens. (NOTE: That will be the lone borderline political joke on this blog. Enjoy it.)
Lastly, we are but two humble brothers. If you notice a gaping hole in our lineup of "Songs so bad we wrote a page about them," drop us a line! We do take requests and feedback!
Here's to good music!
--Andrew
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