Chart position at time of writing: 2 (current peak)
Video Link, because nothing improves terrible pop like interpretive dance!: Link!
Review: You know, it's legitimately impressive that we've done this on and off (mostly off) for 3 years and haven't done a Bieber song before this. Heaven knows we've had the opportunity, but the guy's usually performing inoffensively bland pop music. I prefer not to aim for low-hanging fruit (Minus Florida-Georgia Line, of course) and is there anyone as universally despised as Bieber? Hating Justin Bieber has basically become the pop equivalent of hating Nickelback. It's absolutely understandable, but it's so implicit that you're not gonna find anyone who disagrees with you.
So, anyhow, that's why we haven't done a Bieber song. But then he had to go and try to perform something witty, which means that I must now murder him with words. Let's hop to it.
For all the times that you rain on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name.
At some point a celebrity becomes too famous to use their name to get into a nightclub. Like, if I was successful and talented (I am neither) but not well known outside of Central North Carolina, you might be able to sneak into a club by name-dropping me (NOTE: This will not ever work at anything that is not a faculty luncheon at my high school) (SECOND NOTE: It will probably not work there, either.).
But Justin Bieber is an internationally known mega-star. If you tell a club bouncer "Nah, it's cool, I know Justin Bieber," he will openly mock you. You may as well say "Oh, you'd best let me in or I'll call my friend Barry. Oh, you don't know Barry? You must know his work name, which is Barack Obama!" It will be just as realistic and just as effective.
To be fair, if you are an attractive woman, you will be allowed into the club anyhow, so there is no need to name-drop anyone. Cut that nonsense out.
You think you broke my heart,
oh girl for goodness sake
Um...does this have anything to do with the previous lines? Is this even tangentially related or are we just going through a checklist of puerile, useless insults which would cut down only the least secure, shallow human beings on the planet?
"Oh, we broke up but you still use my name! You think you broke my heart? You're so wrong."
Justin, bud, you're 21 now. High school should have been a long time ago by this point.
You think I'm crying on my own, well I ain't.
Is there anything more pathetic than the "You didn't hurt me at all" song? Addressing a person's insignificance by writing them a song and releasing it as a single makes as much sense as telling someone you don't actually like them by buying a box of chocolates, some flowers, and a 10 karat diamond ring.
And I didn't want to write a song
And yet, here we are.
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care, I don't.
Then, if I may make a recommendation, stop. No one is forcing you to make words with your mouth. Like, you can end this at literally any point. What about now?
But you still hit my phone up.
Guess not. Dude, just...this is far more pathetic than whatever behavior you're complaining about from the lady. This is a song about how he didn't want to write a song about the girl who he doesn't like anymore.
It's like Inception, if Inception was directed exclusively by idiots who claimed to get Inception even though they can't spell the movie's title correctly.
And baby I be moving on
It was at this point that I thought this song sounded like some crap Ed Sheeran would have written and judged to be beneath him. And then I looked at the songwriters and holy crap Ed Sheeran is one of the songwriters! Where's that photo of him looking like an idiotic douche?
Ah, that's the stuff. I can actually die happy knowing that there is someone who is uglier and more punchable than me, and Eddie there fills both requirements so very nicely.
Where was I? Oh, yes, a song written by a pair (technically trio) of tools about how much they're over a relationship. Let me know when the irony sinks in and/or kills you.
And I think you should be something I don't wanna hold back,
Maybe you should know that.
Ever written a sentence in, like, a term paper and then read it and thought "Wait, that doesn't actually say anything," so you re-wrote it? That's what should have happened with these lines. That's 17 words that manage to say absolutely nothing. Here, I can do the same thing with 10 fewer words: We suck at writing. Give us money.
So much time saved!
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone.
I'll confess, I kinda like this line. Then I realized that Justin Bieber's mom kinda has to like everyone. I mean, her own son has set the bar so low, she's basically only allowed to dislike terrorists and Nickelback.
Gah, where's that picture of Justin Bieber looking like a douche? Oh, wait, that's all of them. Seriously, click that link and then come back and tell me I'm wrong.
And I never like to admit that I was wrong.
You're so unique! I have never met anyone else who struggles with admitting they were wrong! Someone sign this guy up for the Canadian Legion of Meritorious Merit...or whatever the heck Canada's Medal of Honor is. The Golden Beaver? Is that a thing?
And I've been so caught up in my job,
I didn't see what's going on.
Is singing mediocre-to-bad pop music and throwing temper tantrums really a job? If so, can I apply somewhere? Teaching is hard. I imagine that people who work in factories or fast food would also like to apply for this job that enables you to get caught up so much. Please, enlighten us more on the difficulties of your life, you pitiable wretch.
Also, I hate myself for providing you with a TMZ page. I think I will write a song about it called "Link to Sadness (ft. Lil Wayne)" and tell you all about how hard this blogging business is and how little I care about my crush from 4th grade.
But now I know
I'm better sleeping on my own
Yep. Pop icon with legions of screaming fans. Bet it's reeeeeeeeeeeal tough to find a replacement lady. Good luck, dude.
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Then baby, you should go and love yourself
I think this is supposed to be a clever way of saying "go f*** yourself." But considering that it comes from a guy who doesn't really get subtlety or irony (Reference: any of the lines above this one) there is a very real chance that the dude is telling the lady to make out with a mirror.
Furthermore, not to say that Justin Bieber and I agree on...anything, but doesn't this guy usually date some fairly pretty women? Like, breaking up with Justin Bieber is not a death sentence for a pretty woman's relationship. Pretty sure Selena Gomez isn't gonna have any trouble finding a new dude to date her.
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin,
You are! YOU WROTE A FREAKING SONG ABOUT IT. I don't think I have ever actually met anyone with this little self-awareness.
You should go and love yourself.
Oh, this is definitely an attempt at wordplay. The keyword is "attempt." It's really less wordplay and more wordmurder-with-a-hatchet.
And when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And another cliche! This girl didn't like my friends, but she was the real problem.
Wait, I'm getting a phone call and...yes! Justin Bieber, congratulations! You are the 10 millionth man to make that complaint! Your prize is $1 billion--and that's in American dollars! You can abandon your singing career right now!
...crap, that didn't work. He's stillllllllll going.
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
You carefully considered her words and realized that opinions are not definite statements of fact, but are actually personal reflections on our own perceptions of available data?
And tried to make me forget where I came from.
You have a Wikipedia page for that. Answer's apparently London, Ontario. Don't blame the girl because you can't use the Internet.
Chorus loops again, still including the line about not wanting to write a song. The concept of irony commits suicide--ironically by using an iron. Fortunately, there's only 4 lines left!
For all the times you made me feel small
I fell in love now I feel nothing at all.
This is an unending (OK, 4 minute) chain of nondirectional passive-aggressive whining. Are we 100% sure this isn't a heavily autotuned Taylor Swift song? Seems like it'd be right up her alley.
Never felt so low when I was vulnerable.
Foul! Someone (I blame Sheeran) tried to rhyme "low" and "vulnerable." I do not care what accent you have that does not work.
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?
Wait...you spend 4 minutes whining and moaning about a heartbreak that you're totally over and then you ask if the relationship was a mistake?
Alright, I'm announcing it now: I am running for President in 2024. Campaign promise #1: Revoke Bieber's visa. Campaign promise #2: Surgical strikes to destroy all Canadian recording studios.
I will begin work on my inaugural address right now.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Plenty of love-lorn options here. For those of you seeking some twang with actual biting lyrics, I recommend Dawes' "When You Call My Name." Those seeking an angry pop option can pick up Guster's "Happier". Alternately, you can Google breakup songs and find approximately 7 billion lists of them. I'm sure you can find something that will scratch the itch more than this.
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