"Artist:" Lukas Graham
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 6 (Peak: 2)
Video Link: What is it with Scandinavians and black and white film?
Review: So, last time out I asked if there was a genre more annoying than the "It's hard being famous" song. Unfortunately, I got my answer--there is a more annoying genre. It's the "people who are younger than me whining about aging" song!
I teach history. I get the appeal of looking at the past and I understand the temptation to do so wistfully.* Heck, I'm closing in on 30--I understand the transitions that come with leaving behind the last years that can reasonably be described as one's "youth" while facing the terrifying monolith of aging.
That does not give anyone (whether you're a confusingly named Danish band or a whiny British guy backed up by a rapper with a goofy name) the right to write a terrible pop song about getting older. (Or to write terrible Buzzfeed articles about how great our generation had it growing up. Literally every generation thinks that. Shut up.)
Here come the lyrics:
Once I was seven years old
SO WAS I! Ohmigawd I take it all back this song speaks to me so much I wish I could marry it.
My momma told me
Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely.
Yeesh. I'm an antisocial jerk roughly 99% of the time and even I was capable of making friends at age 7. It's not difficult. You meet a person who does not immediately attempt to make you eat the pea gravel on the playground. They are now your friend, congratulations. The 2 of you will celebrate by eating some pea gravel together.
I'm being too harsh. After all, the title of the song is "7 Years" what other nuggets do these Danish rapscallions have to tell us about that critical time?
Once I was seven years old
That's...that's it? You titled the song about one exchange with your mom telling you to get out of the house and annoy someone else? And then we just get a piano fill?
Please remember, this song is supposed to be deep. If you show this to 10 people between the ages of 15-30, I guarantee you will offend at least one of them because they like this song because it speaks to the problems they have. So, reader, any time you think I'm being too harsh on this song, just remember that it is supposed to be meaningful and impactful. (Also, you should totally show it to people to see if it offends them. My pageviews are how I judge my worth as a human being.)
It was a big big world, but we thought we were bigger.
Pushing each other to the limits we were learning quicker.
By eleven smoking herb and drinking burning liquor.
So what you're saying is that Ma should have been a bit more specific when you were 7? You're sure you didn't miss an exchange at 8 or 9 about maybe not hanging with the kid who reeks of skunk weed and is repeating 3rd grade for the 4th time?
And I get that tinkering with drugs and booze is a part of a lot of peoples' lives, but that's high school/college stuff, man. You usually hear "I started drinking at 11" from either glam rappers looking for street cred or from someone with facial tattoos and a nickname like "Killer" or "Animal" or "Cuddle Bear." Prisons are weird places.
Never rich so we were out to make that steady figure
...by spending your money on pot and booze? Good Lord, you were a really stupid kid.
Once I was eleven years old
"And I was about to jam a needle full of heroin and Drano into my neck when my dad walks in..."
My daddy told me
Go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely.
Once I was eleven years old.
At 11? What is this, medieval Europe where you have to reproduce by 15 or risk not spreading your precious genetic material? Gotta have more hands so the lord of the manor gets his portion? Is the next verse about how the plague came and killed most of your village?
I always had that dream like my daddy before me,
Which dream? Marriage or, like, something else?
So I started writing songs I started writing stories
Could you have picked a better-written one to record, then?
Something about that glory
Just always seemed to bore me.
What glory? The glory of marriage? The glory of songwriting?
Either way, 2 lines ago you "always had that dream" but now it bores you?! Pardon my bluntness and slight profanity here, but make up your damn mind, you whining little Danish puke.
Cause only those I really love will ever really know me.
Oh, so you're like every other human being to ever exist on the planet, then? And we'll never really know you? And lines like this are a dime a dozen in the history of popular music?
Cool, then you stop singing so I can stop writing and we can all pretend that this miserable fart of a song was never wafted onto our airwaves.
Once I was twenty years old,
my stories got told,
before the morning sun
when life was lonely
Once I was twenty years old
Songwriter 1: Hey, guys, we're on the part where we're 20. What do I put there?
Songwriters 2-4, in unison: Doesn't matter. Kids should already be making out and/or whimsically remembering years they haven't actually lived yet. Just slap some words down. Do it quick, we're gonna go get lunch.
I only see my goals, I don't believe in failure
This explains so much. Your goal was to write a hit song, which is why you can't believe that you've actually failed at writing a good song.
Cause I know the smallest voices, they can make it major
Provided that they hit the proper note range, are from a first-world country, and are willing to prostitute themselves to the lowest-common-denominator machine that is 21st century songcraft, yes.
The next few lines are uninteresting, so we'll skip ahead.
Once I was twenty years old,
My story got told
I was writing about everything I saw before me.
And this bland, uninspired, insipid crap is what you saw before you? Life was more interesting at eleven than it was at twenty for you? Jeez, Denmark must suck.
This actually explains the Vikings pretty well, truth be told.
Soon we'll be thirty years old.
Thanks for the reminder. Anyone wanna pay me a few thousand bucks to whine about it for 4 minutes?
Our songs have been sold
We've traveled around the world
and we're still roaming
Soon we'll be thirty years old
Somewhere there is a 43 year old former-songwriter who wrote personal, painful songs but never hit it big. He/She is now serving Grand Slams at a Denny's in Kentucky. This set of lines seems designed to make that person commit suicide.
I'm still learning about life
my woman brought children for me
So I can sing them all my songs
and I can tell them stories
Tell them a less crappy one. Maybe include some details. Or tell them that fun tale about that time you called their mom "your woman" on a hit single, that one will segue nicely into the story about how your woman gave you a concussion when you told her to make you a sammich.
Most of my boys are with me
Some are still out seeking glory
And some I had to leave behind
My brother I'm still sorry
See, that story? The one about the friend you had to leave behind and you regret it? That is probably a story worth listening to. Instead of that interesting chapter of life, though, you have opted to show us the table of contents and go "Man, some of these chapters sound really cool don't they?!"
Soon I'll be sixty years old
Bit of a leap there, but if you're promising 30 years before I have to hear another song by you, I will take it!
My daddy got sixty-one
Remember life and then your life becomes a better one
I made a man so happy when I wrote a letter once
I hope my children come and visit once or twice a month
Yeah, not gonna make fun of a dude's dad dying. Move along.
Soon I'll be sixty years old,
will I think the world is cold?
Probably. Basically everyone thinks the world was better when they were younger. First recorded complaint by a parent about "this lazy young generation" comes from 2500 BC. We're not going to be any different. Sorry, guys.
Or will I have a lot of children who can warm me.
Better hope so. Denmark is frigid.
Anyhow, some older lines repeat and then we're done. Thankfully.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Good Lord that was a long song. Let's keep this section brief. You like crappy nostalgia? Previous generations have that covered in spades. Try most Kenny Chesney or Bob Seger. Alternatively, here is a Bob Seger song that doesn't suck.
That has nothing to do with this section, I put that there in the hopes that Lukas Graham's next song will not suck. But I am not holding out much hope.
*--Even though you shouldn't. Seriously, history is grim and depressing and full of episodes where people stabbed/shot/skinned-alive other people because of some resources or because of the level of melanin in their skin or because they think the deity of their choice told them to. It's also full of unnecessary footnotes, overlong papers, and weird citation styles that no one else anywhere ever uses (McDowell, 2016).
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Andrew Reviews: I Took A Pill in Ibiza
"Artist:" Mike Posner
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 5 (Current Peak)
Absolutely NSFW Video Link to the Successful Version: Good Lord, people. At least try to make this difficult.
Video Link to the Actually-Not-That-Bad Original: Same words, less electronica.
Review: Is there any genre of song more annoying than the "it's so hard to be famous" shtick? A celebrity's fame is literally the easiest thing for them to get rid of. You can stop performing. You can say something racist. You can release a country album. Lots of ways to lose your fame.
One way to not lose your fame? Record a song about how difficult it is to be famous and have it be your biggest hit since 2010. Lyrics!
I took a pill in Ibiza to show Avicii I was cool
Mistake #1: Attempting to do anything to show Avicii you're cool. "Avicii" is actually Swedish for "talentless hack who loops electronic music designed to be listened to by people who are so high on ecstasy that they think they're actually enjoying repetitive nonsense that sounds like a Super Nintendo being beaten with a brick."
Swedish is a very efficient language.
And when I finally got sober, felt 10 years older
But f*** it, it was something to do.
MDMA: The cure for boredom!
I'm living out in LA
Breaking new ground, here. Careful, Posner, next thing you're gonna do is sing something about how your material possessions are, like, totally fake, bro.
I drive a sports car just to prove,
I'm a real big baller 'cause I made a million dollars
And I spend it on girls and shoes
Sorry for going 3 lines without any jokes, but this is just so boring. It would be like writing corn jokes about Iowa--once you've heard one, you've heard them all.
Again, our songwriter is complaining that he drives a sports car. Now, I will never make fun of addiction, because that's a compulsion that is hard to stare down, hence the lack of jokes about "just not doing drugs" for the opening lines. But I will absolutely mock someone's crappy spending habits.
No one made you buy that Maserati or those vintage Jordans, Mike. You could just drive a Nissan, date a non-gold-digger, and wear the same pair of shoes more than 1 day in a row. That is not that dang hard, it's what most of us do, oh, every single day. This is in the Top 5. Who the heck is buying this song?
But you don't really wanna be high like me
Never really knowing why like me
"Listen, middle- or lower-class listener. I know having a fast car, elaborate shoe collection, beautiful women, millions in the bank, and the ability to openly confess to drug use on a hit single without the fear of legal reprisal sounds great, but it's really hard you guys."
Isn't, like, all glam-rap the opposite of this song?
You don't wanna step off that roller coaster and be all alone.
First off, crappy line delivery. This doesn't fit the song's meter at all.
Second: My wife doesn't like roller coasters. I have to ride them alone. It's not that bad.
You don't want to ride the bus like this
Didn't you just say you drove a sports car?
Never knowing who to trust like this
You don't wanna be stuck up on that stage singing
Stuck up on that stage singing.
Again, being famous? Performing? Your motherfletching decision. You don't like it? You feel like fame is phony? You can become a waste management technician. Literally no one is stopping you.
Honestly, I'm less offended by the lyrics and more offended by the audience at this point. It's entirely possible Posner wrote this song to himself, for himself. Or to discourage potential future competitors (jerk). But why the heck are McDonald's workers and mall clerks going "Yes, a famous person complaining about fame. This is something I should listen to and enjoy."?
Why is a high school history teacher spending his precious free time writing about it? Why does everything suddenly smell and taste like burning sulfur?
All I know are sad songs, sad songs
Darling, all I know are sad songs, sad songs
Then you've either forgotten your previous work or are a liar. Your pick.
In the remix, these lines are followed by a truly awful musical fill that features the basic beat looping perpetually with some guy pushing, like, 4 random keys on his synthesizer. This is currently performing better than all but 4 songs on the market right now. Just...had to remind you of that.
I'm just a singer who already blew his shot
Hence why this is performing so poorly. Seriously, at least make me work when I write.
I get along with old timers, 'cause my name's a reminder
of a pop song people forgot
"Old Timers" are apparently people who remember the ancient year of 2010. You know, the long-ago Obama administration, when people were obsessed with their smartphones and music was facing a crisis of shallow, disposable electro-pop dominating the market. Gawd, that was so long ago.
And I can't keep a girl, no,
'Cause as soon as the sun comes up
I cut 'em all loose, and work's my excuse
But the truth is I can't open up
Look, I'm a married guy who deeply loves his wife. But there's a huge contingent of people (male and female) who would be totally OK with perfect 10s throwing themselves at them. This video is chock-full of beautiful women tossing themselves haphazardly at a giant papier-mâché Mike Posner, with literally no evidence that there's anything bad about that.
All I'm saying is, if you're looking for sympathy as the tortured artist who can't open his heart to a woman, maybe consider cutting that from your video.
Chorus loops again after this. Also, the video features a dude puking. It's an accurate depiction of how I experienced the song the first time through.
And...that's it. 4 minutes of crap. At least it has the decency to be over.
Recommended Alternative Listening: This might be the easiest this section's ever been. First off, any of the Posner singles from his previous album, if you're into that. Alternatively, try Brad Paisley's "Celebrity" or David Bowie's "Fame." Either way, just...stop listening to songs like this.
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 5 (Current Peak)
Absolutely NSFW Video Link to the Successful Version: Good Lord, people. At least try to make this difficult.
Video Link to the Actually-Not-That-Bad Original: Same words, less electronica.
Review: Is there any genre of song more annoying than the "it's so hard to be famous" shtick? A celebrity's fame is literally the easiest thing for them to get rid of. You can stop performing. You can say something racist. You can release a country album. Lots of ways to lose your fame.
One way to not lose your fame? Record a song about how difficult it is to be famous and have it be your biggest hit since 2010. Lyrics!
I took a pill in Ibiza to show Avicii I was cool
Mistake #1: Attempting to do anything to show Avicii you're cool. "Avicii" is actually Swedish for "talentless hack who loops electronic music designed to be listened to by people who are so high on ecstasy that they think they're actually enjoying repetitive nonsense that sounds like a Super Nintendo being beaten with a brick."
Swedish is a very efficient language.
And when I finally got sober, felt 10 years older
But f*** it, it was something to do.
MDMA: The cure for boredom!
I'm living out in LA
Breaking new ground, here. Careful, Posner, next thing you're gonna do is sing something about how your material possessions are, like, totally fake, bro.
I drive a sports car just to prove,
I'm a real big baller 'cause I made a million dollars
And I spend it on girls and shoes
Sorry for going 3 lines without any jokes, but this is just so boring. It would be like writing corn jokes about Iowa--once you've heard one, you've heard them all.
Again, our songwriter is complaining that he drives a sports car. Now, I will never make fun of addiction, because that's a compulsion that is hard to stare down, hence the lack of jokes about "just not doing drugs" for the opening lines. But I will absolutely mock someone's crappy spending habits.
No one made you buy that Maserati or those vintage Jordans, Mike. You could just drive a Nissan, date a non-gold-digger, and wear the same pair of shoes more than 1 day in a row. That is not that dang hard, it's what most of us do, oh, every single day. This is in the Top 5. Who the heck is buying this song?
But you don't really wanna be high like me
Never really knowing why like me
"Listen, middle- or lower-class listener. I know having a fast car, elaborate shoe collection, beautiful women, millions in the bank, and the ability to openly confess to drug use on a hit single without the fear of legal reprisal sounds great, but it's really hard you guys."
Isn't, like, all glam-rap the opposite of this song?
You don't wanna step off that roller coaster and be all alone.
First off, crappy line delivery. This doesn't fit the song's meter at all.
Second: My wife doesn't like roller coasters. I have to ride them alone. It's not that bad.
You don't want to ride the bus like this
Didn't you just say you drove a sports car?
Never knowing who to trust like this
You don't wanna be stuck up on that stage singing
Stuck up on that stage singing.
Again, being famous? Performing? Your motherfletching decision. You don't like it? You feel like fame is phony? You can become a waste management technician. Literally no one is stopping you.
Honestly, I'm less offended by the lyrics and more offended by the audience at this point. It's entirely possible Posner wrote this song to himself, for himself. Or to discourage potential future competitors (jerk). But why the heck are McDonald's workers and mall clerks going "Yes, a famous person complaining about fame. This is something I should listen to and enjoy."?
Why is a high school history teacher spending his precious free time writing about it? Why does everything suddenly smell and taste like burning sulfur?
All I know are sad songs, sad songs
Darling, all I know are sad songs, sad songs
Then you've either forgotten your previous work or are a liar. Your pick.
In the remix, these lines are followed by a truly awful musical fill that features the basic beat looping perpetually with some guy pushing, like, 4 random keys on his synthesizer. This is currently performing better than all but 4 songs on the market right now. Just...had to remind you of that.
I'm just a singer who already blew his shot
Hence why this is performing so poorly. Seriously, at least make me work when I write.
I get along with old timers, 'cause my name's a reminder
of a pop song people forgot
"Old Timers" are apparently people who remember the ancient year of 2010. You know, the long-ago Obama administration, when people were obsessed with their smartphones and music was facing a crisis of shallow, disposable electro-pop dominating the market. Gawd, that was so long ago.
And I can't keep a girl, no,
'Cause as soon as the sun comes up
I cut 'em all loose, and work's my excuse
But the truth is I can't open up
Look, I'm a married guy who deeply loves his wife. But there's a huge contingent of people (male and female) who would be totally OK with perfect 10s throwing themselves at them. This video is chock-full of beautiful women tossing themselves haphazardly at a giant papier-mâché Mike Posner, with literally no evidence that there's anything bad about that.
All I'm saying is, if you're looking for sympathy as the tortured artist who can't open his heart to a woman, maybe consider cutting that from your video.
Chorus loops again after this. Also, the video features a dude puking. It's an accurate depiction of how I experienced the song the first time through.
And...that's it. 4 minutes of crap. At least it has the decency to be over.
Recommended Alternative Listening: This might be the easiest this section's ever been. First off, any of the Posner singles from his previous album, if you're into that. Alternatively, try Brad Paisley's "Celebrity" or David Bowie's "Fame." Either way, just...stop listening to songs like this.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Andrew Reviews: Love Yourself
"Artist:" Justin Bieber
Chart position at time of writing: 2 (current peak)
Video Link, because nothing improves terrible pop like interpretive dance!: Link!
Review: You know, it's legitimately impressive that we've done this on and off (mostly off) for 3 years and haven't done a Bieber song before this. Heaven knows we've had the opportunity, but the guy's usually performing inoffensively bland pop music. I prefer not to aim for low-hanging fruit (Minus Florida-Georgia Line, of course) and is there anyone as universally despised as Bieber? Hating Justin Bieber has basically become the pop equivalent of hating Nickelback. It's absolutely understandable, but it's so implicit that you're not gonna find anyone who disagrees with you.
So, anyhow, that's why we haven't done a Bieber song. But then he had to go and try to perform something witty, which means that I must now murder him with words. Let's hop to it.
For all the times that you rain on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name.
At some point a celebrity becomes too famous to use their name to get into a nightclub. Like, if I was successful and talented (I am neither) but not well known outside of Central North Carolina, you might be able to sneak into a club by name-dropping me (NOTE: This will not ever work at anything that is not a faculty luncheon at my high school) (SECOND NOTE: It will probably not work there, either.).
But Justin Bieber is an internationally known mega-star. If you tell a club bouncer "Nah, it's cool, I know Justin Bieber," he will openly mock you. You may as well say "Oh, you'd best let me in or I'll call my friend Barry. Oh, you don't know Barry? You must know his work name, which is Barack Obama!" It will be just as realistic and just as effective.
To be fair, if you are an attractive woman, you will be allowed into the club anyhow, so there is no need to name-drop anyone. Cut that nonsense out.
You think you broke my heart,
oh girl for goodness sake
Um...does this have anything to do with the previous lines? Is this even tangentially related or are we just going through a checklist of puerile, useless insults which would cut down only the least secure, shallow human beings on the planet?
"Oh, we broke up but you still use my name! You think you broke my heart? You're so wrong."
Justin, bud, you're 21 now. High school should have been a long time ago by this point.
You think I'm crying on my own, well I ain't.
Is there anything more pathetic than the "You didn't hurt me at all" song? Addressing a person's insignificance by writing them a song and releasing it as a single makes as much sense as telling someone you don't actually like them by buying a box of chocolates, some flowers, and a 10 karat diamond ring.
And I didn't want to write a song
And yet, here we are.
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care, I don't.
Then, if I may make a recommendation, stop. No one is forcing you to make words with your mouth. Like, you can end this at literally any point. What about now?
But you still hit my phone up.
Guess not. Dude, just...this is far more pathetic than whatever behavior you're complaining about from the lady. This is a song about how he didn't want to write a song about the girl who he doesn't like anymore.
It's like Inception, if Inception was directed exclusively by idiots who claimed to get Inception even though they can't spell the movie's title correctly.
And baby I be moving on
It was at this point that I thought this song sounded like some crap Ed Sheeran would have written and judged to be beneath him. And then I looked at the songwriters and holy crap Ed Sheeran is one of the songwriters! Where's that photo of him looking like an idiotic douche?
Ah, that's the stuff. I can actually die happy knowing that there is someone who is uglier and more punchable than me, and Eddie there fills both requirements so very nicely.
Where was I? Oh, yes, a song written by a pair (technically trio) of tools about how much they're over a relationship. Let me know when the irony sinks in and/or kills you.
And I think you should be something I don't wanna hold back,
Maybe you should know that.
Ever written a sentence in, like, a term paper and then read it and thought "Wait, that doesn't actually say anything," so you re-wrote it? That's what should have happened with these lines. That's 17 words that manage to say absolutely nothing. Here, I can do the same thing with 10 fewer words: We suck at writing. Give us money.
So much time saved!
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone.
I'll confess, I kinda like this line. Then I realized that Justin Bieber's mom kinda has to like everyone. I mean, her own son has set the bar so low, she's basically only allowed to dislike terrorists and Nickelback.
Gah, where's that picture of Justin Bieber looking like a douche? Oh, wait, that's all of them. Seriously, click that link and then come back and tell me I'm wrong.
And I never like to admit that I was wrong.
You're so unique! I have never met anyone else who struggles with admitting they were wrong! Someone sign this guy up for the Canadian Legion of Meritorious Merit...or whatever the heck Canada's Medal of Honor is. The Golden Beaver? Is that a thing?
And I've been so caught up in my job,
I didn't see what's going on.
Is singing mediocre-to-bad pop music and throwing temper tantrums really a job? If so, can I apply somewhere? Teaching is hard. I imagine that people who work in factories or fast food would also like to apply for this job that enables you to get caught up so much. Please, enlighten us more on the difficulties of your life, you pitiable wretch.
Also, I hate myself for providing you with a TMZ page. I think I will write a song about it called "Link to Sadness (ft. Lil Wayne)" and tell you all about how hard this blogging business is and how little I care about my crush from 4th grade.
But now I know
I'm better sleeping on my own
Yep. Pop icon with legions of screaming fans. Bet it's reeeeeeeeeeeal tough to find a replacement lady. Good luck, dude.
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Then baby, you should go and love yourself
I think this is supposed to be a clever way of saying "go f*** yourself." But considering that it comes from a guy who doesn't really get subtlety or irony (Reference: any of the lines above this one) there is a very real chance that the dude is telling the lady to make out with a mirror.
Furthermore, not to say that Justin Bieber and I agree on...anything, but doesn't this guy usually date some fairly pretty women? Like, breaking up with Justin Bieber is not a death sentence for a pretty woman's relationship. Pretty sure Selena Gomez isn't gonna have any trouble finding a new dude to date her.
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin,
You are! YOU WROTE A FREAKING SONG ABOUT IT. I don't think I have ever actually met anyone with this little self-awareness.
You should go and love yourself.
Oh, this is definitely an attempt at wordplay. The keyword is "attempt." It's really less wordplay and more wordmurder-with-a-hatchet.
And when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And another cliche! This girl didn't like my friends, but she was the real problem.
Wait, I'm getting a phone call and...yes! Justin Bieber, congratulations! You are the 10 millionth man to make that complaint! Your prize is $1 billion--and that's in American dollars! You can abandon your singing career right now!
...crap, that didn't work. He's stillllllllll going.
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
You carefully considered her words and realized that opinions are not definite statements of fact, but are actually personal reflections on our own perceptions of available data?
And tried to make me forget where I came from.
You have a Wikipedia page for that. Answer's apparently London, Ontario. Don't blame the girl because you can't use the Internet.
Chorus loops again, still including the line about not wanting to write a song. The concept of irony commits suicide--ironically by using an iron. Fortunately, there's only 4 lines left!
For all the times you made me feel small
I fell in love now I feel nothing at all.
This is an unending (OK, 4 minute) chain of nondirectional passive-aggressive whining. Are we 100% sure this isn't a heavily autotuned Taylor Swift song? Seems like it'd be right up her alley.
Never felt so low when I was vulnerable.
Foul! Someone (I blame Sheeran) tried to rhyme "low" and "vulnerable." I do not care what accent you have that does not work.
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?
Wait...you spend 4 minutes whining and moaning about a heartbreak that you're totally over and then you ask if the relationship was a mistake?
Alright, I'm announcing it now: I am running for President in 2024. Campaign promise #1: Revoke Bieber's visa. Campaign promise #2: Surgical strikes to destroy all Canadian recording studios.
I will begin work on my inaugural address right now.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Plenty of love-lorn options here. For those of you seeking some twang with actual biting lyrics, I recommend Dawes' "When You Call My Name." Those seeking an angry pop option can pick up Guster's "Happier". Alternately, you can Google breakup songs and find approximately 7 billion lists of them. I'm sure you can find something that will scratch the itch more than this.
Chart position at time of writing: 2 (current peak)
Video Link, because nothing improves terrible pop like interpretive dance!: Link!
Review: You know, it's legitimately impressive that we've done this on and off (mostly off) for 3 years and haven't done a Bieber song before this. Heaven knows we've had the opportunity, but the guy's usually performing inoffensively bland pop music. I prefer not to aim for low-hanging fruit (Minus Florida-Georgia Line, of course) and is there anyone as universally despised as Bieber? Hating Justin Bieber has basically become the pop equivalent of hating Nickelback. It's absolutely understandable, but it's so implicit that you're not gonna find anyone who disagrees with you.
So, anyhow, that's why we haven't done a Bieber song. But then he had to go and try to perform something witty, which means that I must now murder him with words. Let's hop to it.
For all the times that you rain on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name.
At some point a celebrity becomes too famous to use their name to get into a nightclub. Like, if I was successful and talented (I am neither) but not well known outside of Central North Carolina, you might be able to sneak into a club by name-dropping me (NOTE: This will not ever work at anything that is not a faculty luncheon at my high school) (SECOND NOTE: It will probably not work there, either.).
But Justin Bieber is an internationally known mega-star. If you tell a club bouncer "Nah, it's cool, I know Justin Bieber," he will openly mock you. You may as well say "Oh, you'd best let me in or I'll call my friend Barry. Oh, you don't know Barry? You must know his work name, which is Barack Obama!" It will be just as realistic and just as effective.
To be fair, if you are an attractive woman, you will be allowed into the club anyhow, so there is no need to name-drop anyone. Cut that nonsense out.
You think you broke my heart,
oh girl for goodness sake
Um...does this have anything to do with the previous lines? Is this even tangentially related or are we just going through a checklist of puerile, useless insults which would cut down only the least secure, shallow human beings on the planet?
"Oh, we broke up but you still use my name! You think you broke my heart? You're so wrong."
Justin, bud, you're 21 now. High school should have been a long time ago by this point.
You think I'm crying on my own, well I ain't.
Is there anything more pathetic than the "You didn't hurt me at all" song? Addressing a person's insignificance by writing them a song and releasing it as a single makes as much sense as telling someone you don't actually like them by buying a box of chocolates, some flowers, and a 10 karat diamond ring.
And I didn't want to write a song
And yet, here we are.
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care, I don't.
Then, if I may make a recommendation, stop. No one is forcing you to make words with your mouth. Like, you can end this at literally any point. What about now?
But you still hit my phone up.
Guess not. Dude, just...this is far more pathetic than whatever behavior you're complaining about from the lady. This is a song about how he didn't want to write a song about the girl who he doesn't like anymore.
It's like Inception, if Inception was directed exclusively by idiots who claimed to get Inception even though they can't spell the movie's title correctly.
And baby I be moving on
It was at this point that I thought this song sounded like some crap Ed Sheeran would have written and judged to be beneath him. And then I looked at the songwriters and holy crap Ed Sheeran is one of the songwriters! Where's that photo of him looking like an idiotic douche?
Ah, that's the stuff. I can actually die happy knowing that there is someone who is uglier and more punchable than me, and Eddie there fills both requirements so very nicely.
Where was I? Oh, yes, a song written by a pair (technically trio) of tools about how much they're over a relationship. Let me know when the irony sinks in and/or kills you.
And I think you should be something I don't wanna hold back,
Maybe you should know that.
Ever written a sentence in, like, a term paper and then read it and thought "Wait, that doesn't actually say anything," so you re-wrote it? That's what should have happened with these lines. That's 17 words that manage to say absolutely nothing. Here, I can do the same thing with 10 fewer words: We suck at writing. Give us money.
So much time saved!
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone.
I'll confess, I kinda like this line. Then I realized that Justin Bieber's mom kinda has to like everyone. I mean, her own son has set the bar so low, she's basically only allowed to dislike terrorists and Nickelback.
Gah, where's that picture of Justin Bieber looking like a douche? Oh, wait, that's all of them. Seriously, click that link and then come back and tell me I'm wrong.
And I never like to admit that I was wrong.
You're so unique! I have never met anyone else who struggles with admitting they were wrong! Someone sign this guy up for the Canadian Legion of Meritorious Merit...or whatever the heck Canada's Medal of Honor is. The Golden Beaver? Is that a thing?
And I've been so caught up in my job,
I didn't see what's going on.
Is singing mediocre-to-bad pop music and throwing temper tantrums really a job? If so, can I apply somewhere? Teaching is hard. I imagine that people who work in factories or fast food would also like to apply for this job that enables you to get caught up so much. Please, enlighten us more on the difficulties of your life, you pitiable wretch.
Also, I hate myself for providing you with a TMZ page. I think I will write a song about it called "Link to Sadness (ft. Lil Wayne)" and tell you all about how hard this blogging business is and how little I care about my crush from 4th grade.
But now I know
I'm better sleeping on my own
Yep. Pop icon with legions of screaming fans. Bet it's reeeeeeeeeeeal tough to find a replacement lady. Good luck, dude.
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Then baby, you should go and love yourself
I think this is supposed to be a clever way of saying "go f*** yourself." But considering that it comes from a guy who doesn't really get subtlety or irony (Reference: any of the lines above this one) there is a very real chance that the dude is telling the lady to make out with a mirror.
Furthermore, not to say that Justin Bieber and I agree on...anything, but doesn't this guy usually date some fairly pretty women? Like, breaking up with Justin Bieber is not a death sentence for a pretty woman's relationship. Pretty sure Selena Gomez isn't gonna have any trouble finding a new dude to date her.
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin,
You are! YOU WROTE A FREAKING SONG ABOUT IT. I don't think I have ever actually met anyone with this little self-awareness.
You should go and love yourself.
Oh, this is definitely an attempt at wordplay. The keyword is "attempt." It's really less wordplay and more wordmurder-with-a-hatchet.
And when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And another cliche! This girl didn't like my friends, but she was the real problem.
Wait, I'm getting a phone call and...yes! Justin Bieber, congratulations! You are the 10 millionth man to make that complaint! Your prize is $1 billion--and that's in American dollars! You can abandon your singing career right now!
...crap, that didn't work. He's stillllllllll going.
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
You carefully considered her words and realized that opinions are not definite statements of fact, but are actually personal reflections on our own perceptions of available data?
And tried to make me forget where I came from.
You have a Wikipedia page for that. Answer's apparently London, Ontario. Don't blame the girl because you can't use the Internet.
Chorus loops again, still including the line about not wanting to write a song. The concept of irony commits suicide--ironically by using an iron. Fortunately, there's only 4 lines left!
For all the times you made me feel small
I fell in love now I feel nothing at all.
This is an unending (OK, 4 minute) chain of nondirectional passive-aggressive whining. Are we 100% sure this isn't a heavily autotuned Taylor Swift song? Seems like it'd be right up her alley.
Never felt so low when I was vulnerable.
Foul! Someone (I blame Sheeran) tried to rhyme "low" and "vulnerable." I do not care what accent you have that does not work.
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?
Wait...you spend 4 minutes whining and moaning about a heartbreak that you're totally over and then you ask if the relationship was a mistake?
Alright, I'm announcing it now: I am running for President in 2024. Campaign promise #1: Revoke Bieber's visa. Campaign promise #2: Surgical strikes to destroy all Canadian recording studios.
I will begin work on my inaugural address right now.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Plenty of love-lorn options here. For those of you seeking some twang with actual biting lyrics, I recommend Dawes' "When You Call My Name." Those seeking an angry pop option can pick up Guster's "Happier". Alternately, you can Google breakup songs and find approximately 7 billion lists of them. I'm sure you can find something that will scratch the itch more than this.
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