Austin Reviews: F**kin' Problems, Mad Libs Edition

"Artists:" ASAP Rocky featuring 2Chainz, Drake, and Kendrick Lamar
Chart position at the time of writing: Off! (Peaked at 8)
IT BURNS US! IT BURNS US! Bink!

Review: I try to keep things PG...-13, soooo... if you've heard this song, you can already tell how many bad words this has in it.

Lots and lots. That's how many bad words, on the nose, are in this song.

I know that this is not on the Top 100 anymore, but seeing as it peaked at 8, it deserves a mention. Before we begin, however, we need to lay down some censorship rules.

Every time the B-word is dropped it will be replaced with the word "strawberry."

Every time the F-word is dropped it will be replaced with the word "ocelot."

Every time the N-word is dropped it will be replaced with the word "choc--" um, "vanilla."

Every time the S-word is dropped it will be replaced with the word "wrench."

The D-word (referring to genitalia) is dropped every now and then, so let's say "spaghetti" for it. Keep it conventional.

Every time the A-word is dropped--hm.

Weird. It seems that not once "ass" is used in this song. Isn't that strange? Well, this one isn't gonna untangle itself. Let's get to it!

I love bad strawberries, that's my ocelot problem,
And yeah I like to ocelot, I got a ocelot problem,
I love bad strawberries, that's my ocelot problem,
And yeah I like to ocelot, I got a ocelot problem, 
I love bad strawberries, that's my ocelot problem,
And yeah I like to ocelot, I got a ocelot problem,

We could already start a wildcat jungle.

If finding somebody real is your ocelot problem,
Bring ya girls to the crib maybe we can solve it.

That's the hook. If we're counting the intro from the Vevo video, this took a full 42 seconds of music.

Four lines. 42 seconds of music.

Folks, this is not a good statistic. The song is under four minutes long, and this took nearly a minute of it. Still, the first solution to a problem is admitting that you have one. This songs message may actually be one big therapy session!

And boy, are we gonna hear about these ocelot problems even more... go ahead Mr. Rocky, tell us more about your problem.

Chapter 1: The Unfortunate Addiction of A$AP Rocky

Hold up strawberries simmer down,
Takin' hella long strawberry give it to me now,
Make that thing pop like a semi or a nine,
Oh baby like it raw with a shimmy shimmy ya,

As A$AP slowly begins speaking Bulgarian towards the end of this part of the verse, we see that he needs his strawberries to simmer down, because having a lot of money and sleeping with beautiful women when you look like A$AP Rocky must be a horrid thing. He then stresses to us that it is taking far too long for him to get into the girls pants and that she should just give in. The stanza with the "semi or a nine" is probably relating her butt to a gun and how she should pop it--just, try not to put too much thought into that last statement--and I'm not really sure what he's talking about with that last part. Probably wanting to relay to us about the dangers of unprotected sex and how you should never do recreational drugs, kiddos! Thanks A$AP for looking out for our youth!

Huh, A$AP get like me,
Never met a motherocelot fresh like me,
All these motherocelots wanna dress like me--

Slight pause here. 1) A$AP states he's never met anyone like him, and I can guarantee you he is telling the truth. Also that everyone apparently wants to dress like him, presumably out of jealousy of just how dashing he looks. 2) He just rhymed "me" three times in a row, in case any amateur songwriters want to have a simultaneous brain aneurysm, but we'll save that rant for another day. Moving on:

Put the chrome to your dome make you sweat like Keith,

Here we see just how bad of a motherocelot A$AP is, telling us how many people he has killed by shooting them in the head. Or it's a penis reference. I just don't know anymore. Also, Keith refers to Keith Sweat, although he has nothing to do with this song.

Cause I'm the vanilla, the vanilla vanilla, like how you figure?

x3 vanilla combo! Finish him! FATALITY!
(Scorpion wins)

Getting figures and ocelot strawberries, she rollin' Swishers,

If you don't know, Swisher cigars are really bad. I don't smoke, but it's what I've heard. So no one actually smokes the tobacco in Swishers--they fill it with weed. Look it up.

Brought her strawberries, I brought my vanillas, they getting bent up off the liquor,

Oh, well it was so nice of you to bring her strawberries! She'll be so thrilled when you--oh. I edited that. Oops. Well, at least you brought the vanilla. We can make some homemade ice cream! Oh. Dang. At least you brought the liquor so we can make the rest of this song bearable! Hooray!

She love my licorice, I let her lick it,

I didn't edit that one, believe it or not. 

Also, oh wow, a line about blowjobs. I've never heard a song like that before.

They say money make a vanilla act vanilla-rish

I--what?

But at least a vanilla vanilla rich,
I be ocelot broads like I be ocelot bored,
Turn a dyke strawberry out have her ocelot boys, beast,

Stick to what you know about being rich, I guess. It must be a charmed life to be getting shagged so much that you're actually bored from it. I mean, come on, most of my dates are just half a pizza and my right hand.

Dyke referring to "a natural or artificial slope of wall to regulate water levels," by the way. Pretty impressive how A$AP's deep, meaningful lyrics can take on such beautiful flowing meanings such as that.

Also the hook repeats, if you want to go read that again. Not my place to judge.

Chapter 2: The Rehabilitating Features of Drake's Obtuse Genitalia

Verse 2 is taken by Drake, who I'm sure will enlighten us with some meaningful lyrics about--

I know you love it when this beat is on,
Make you think about all of the vanilla you've been leading on,

Never mind.

Make me think about all of the rappers I've been feeding on,

Is--is this another oral sex reference?

Got a feeling that's the same dudes that we speakin' on, oh woooorrrd?

Just remember Drake: Hip-hop doesn't have time for you. You'll be just as washed up as every other artist in a few short years.

Ain't heard my album? Who you sleepin' on?

Well, she was probably sleepin' on the success of Macklemore at the time.

You should print the lyrics out and have a ocelot read-along,
Ain't a ocelot sing-along unless you brought the weed along,

So what you're saying is your lyrics are so bad that you have to be high to sing and enjoy them?

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP RHYMING WORDS WITH THE SAME WORD! IT'S LAZY, IT'S STUPID, AND--sorry. Another day. Let's move on to what is undoubtedly the worst part of the song:

Then ju... (Okay, I got it)

OK, wait just a second here. This is the part in the song where Drake can not hold out a "note" (and I use that with the most massive air quotes the world has ever seen), so he stops singing it, tells the mixers that he's got it, and continues to go on instead of redoing the entire verse.

I'm... I'm at a loss for words. This part alone is musical cancer. It is the excrement that fills up a gas station restroom. I don't know what was going through anyone's head at this point, but they had to have been high. That's the only explanation I can find. 

I mean, is there something wrong with just restarting the verse? Going in for another take? I can't even make jokes about this it pisses me off so much. This got number 8 on Billboard. That may be the worst part.

This got to number 8 on Billboard.

Going on...

Then just drop down and get yo' eagle on,
Or we can stare up at the stars and put the Beatles on,

All that wrench you talkin' bout is not up for discussion,

I will pay to make it bigger,

I don't pay for no reduction,

"Getting your eagle on" is a dance move, if you're wondering. Or if you want to take the romantic approach with Drake, you can stare up at the stars at night and listen to a band that is actually worth listening and giving your attention to. It will still end in sex, but hey, what can we say? Drake's got an ocelot problem.

Also, great job, you lyrical geniuses you, for rhyming "on" with "on" more than once in the song. Why don't you just hire Nicki Minaj to do the rest of the song for you?

(Rhetorical)

And with the last lines, I have no idea, so we'll assume he's talking about plastic surgery in the breast area. Jeez...

If it's comin' from a vanilla I don't know, then I don't trust it,

Drugs.

If you comin' for my head, then motherocelot get to bustin', 

Oooohhh, Drake may fight me if I come for him! I sure hope he handles it with the same maturity he always has. Alternatively, this is probably another line about blowjobs. Sure are getting a lot of those...

Lines, I mean. Not blowjobs. I'm not Drake.

Yes Lord, I don't really say this often,

Anyone else finding the irony in saying "Yes Lord" right in the middle of this dirty-word-fest? 

But this long spaghetti vanilla ain't for the long talking, I beast,

I hate how sometimes this song rhymes and other times it completely goes right off the rails. It's hard to keep a good flow going when some words not only don't rhyme, but barely sound the same. Just because something has the same number of syllables as something else, it doesn't necessarily mean you need to try and work them into a song.

And boy howdy do I looooovvveee hearing lines about Drake's extended penis! Probably as much as he loves tiny blue pills!

Aaaaand we still have one verse to go. The hook plays again, so we'll skip over that and go into Kendrick Lamar's verse.

And holy crap you need to hear it for yourself before you read this.


Chapter 3: A Dive Into the Tortured Mind of Kendrick Lamar -- As Caused By Constant "Girl" Lunacy

I would say "let's make a drinking game, every time Kendrick Lamar says 'girl or she,'" but you'd be dead by the end of the verse. (I really hope you listened to this before reading this part.)

Yeah hoe this the finale,

There is a God.

My pep talk turn into a pep rally,

If you call a girl a hoe I don't think you're pepping them up real well unless they are in fact a prostitute.

Say she's from the hood but she live inside the valley now,

Which hood? Which valley?

Vacate in Atlanta, then she going back to Cali

Ooohhhh. Gotcha.

Got your girl on my line, world on my line,

Who knew Mr. Lamar was such a good fisherman?

The irony I ocelot 'em at the same damn time,

Wait, you... you have sex with all the world? At the same time?...I feel like I need to take a shower now.

She eyeing me like a vanilla don't exist,
Girl, I know you want this spaghetti,

Those two words don't rhyme, whether edited out or not, but whatever... I'm glad you can keep up with your cliched, overused statements, Mr. Lamar. Just say "she wants the D" next time and I'm sure you'll have the world eating out of the palm of your hands.

Girl, I'm Kendrick Lamar,
 

In case you were wondering... good to see Kendrick doesn't have Alzheimer's.

Aka Benz--is-to-me-just-a-car,

Well, I either just had a stroke or Lamar is saying he is so rich that a Mercedes Benz to him is just another regular car. Awesome, cool, great. Nice to see rappers dishing out original ideas into their music. What will you talk about next, I wonder?

That mean your friends need to be up to par,
See my standards are pampered by threesomes tomorrow,

Ooohh, how he only accepts beautiful women and all the sex he is entitled to! Didn't see that coming!

Kill 'em all, dead bodies in the hallway,

We all have guilty pleasures, right?

All joking aside, this is probably [another] reference to having sex with several women at once. What a bad motherocelot Kendrick is.

Don't get involved listen what the crystal ball say,

...Are you... are you asking me what the crystal ball says? Warning me of what the crystal ball says?

Halle Berry, hallelujah,
Holla back I'll do ya, beast!

 Kendrick Lamar has a weird obsession with Halle Berry it seems. (It's in the hook). I'm not sure if he worships her or wants to sleep with her (or murder her) or what, but it's just odd to mention her in two separate songs. Two separate songs with the same meaning, but still.

Also, what's with this stupid beast! nonsense? I have an idea: since we're on the subject of using words popular in 2006, next we'll just write a song that's all "yo mama" jokes!

No, but seriously, this song sucks. Few redeeming qualities about it: a generic, run-of-the-mill beat, talking all about cars, long penises and women (I mean, the name of the song gives it away), a boring hook we have to hear in between verses... not good. Not great. I do think Kendrick Lamar is a decent rapper, but past that, there just isn't much going on here that should say "yeah, this song should be in the top 10 in America."

Actually, the music industry being as idiotic as it is, maybe there is and I just can't see it.

Alternatives: If you want a song about doin' it, you can't go wrong with good ole' birthday sex! If you're looking for something that's a bit more pumped-up, (not up-beat) then Hopsin's got ya covered. It's a pretty depressing song... but... I mean... okay, fine, one more for happier sound. If you want to roll "classic," I suppose Gold Digger is alright. If you don't like any of this, than good luck out there. I'm always open for suggestion. Until then, the rating for this one is a:

2/10: Fresh Baked Five-Liver Casserole on a Hot Bun