"Artist:" Fetty Wap
Chart position at time of writing: 3 (Current Peak)
Video Link: I can't...I just...even the dude singing it doesn't look excited.
Review: Hold on. Before we go any further, I want to point out that there is an ostensibly adult human being who allows other human beings to call him "Fetty Wap." Let's all just stay here for a minute. Just...just let that sink in.
Fetty. Wap.
I looked up what both of those words mean on Urban Dictionary. According to the Internet's leading slang site, it roughly translates to "Money (Fetty) With A Passion (W.A.P. Get it?!)" It's still not intimidating for a dude who's gonna brag about sleeping with other people's girlfriends whilst he peddles drugs. Why not "Dollar Desire" or "Cash Lover" or "Legal Tender Philanderer"? At least 1 of those has to be better than "Fetty Wap." Fetty Wap sounds like what you'd say if you were recovering from a lobotomy performed in a garage. I think I'm done with the name jokes. Lyrics!
Remy Boyz. 1738.
So...Dude's gang/clique/group/knitting circle is named after cognac. For those of you playing Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo at home, you can go ahead and cross off "expensive liquor." Also, I'll only be visiting Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo in the lyrics. If you use the video you'll hit "bingo" before the 1 minute mark, and that's no fun. Using the lyrics, you'll get to at least the minute-and-a-half mark before you hit every negative cliche in 2015's pop-rap mish-mash.
I'm like hey, what's up, hello
If a woman ignores you the first two times you try to get her attention, but responds the third time, it's been my experience that she's probably not wheeling around because she was testing your patience. It is far more likely that she's going to slap and/or taze you. Which would actually make this song much shorter. I wish that had happened...
Seen your pretty ass soon as you came in the door.
Birds fly, fish swim, pop rap objectifies women. Look, if we're gonna use this garbage as a benchmark for flirting and/or rhyming, then anyone who can talk to an attractive woman in complete sentences without trying to sleep with her is some sort of Cassanova/Shakespeare hybrid. Besides which, there's so much more awful here. Sorry to waste your time with this line.
I just wanna chill, got a sack for us to roll.
Alert to the Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo players--you can now check marijuana off the list. It's entirely possible someone will hit bingo before the promised minute and a half mark, sorry about that.
Married to the money
Another chip goes down in Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo.
Introduced her to my stove.
Showed her how to whip it, now she remixin' for low
Look, I'm no expert in drug production as it pertains to relationships, but does this strike anyone else as a bad idea? If Mr. Wap and his Trap Queen break up, couldn't she poison his stuff and murder him? Or murder his customers, thus leading to his murder? I'm just trying to look out for your (almost certainly fake) drug peddling business, man. Keep business and pleasure separate.
(Mr. Wap: If you read this, I am available to be your agent! Call me!)
She my trap queen, let her hit the bando
Bando is, according to Urban Dictionary, an abandoned house, frequently used in the drug trade.
Let's play a game: I want you gentlemen (or ladies) to tell your significant other: "Hey, babe. Tonight, I'm gonna go to the abandoned house downtown to sell some crack. You get to come with me!" Do you think that she/he would consider it to be a privilege?
I'm beginning to think that this song is not about a healthy relationship.
We be countin' up, watch how far them bands go.
Cross "bands" (but not stacks!) off of your Glam Rap Bingo card! I'm getting close, are you?
We just set a goal, talkin' matching Lambos.
Because nothing says "I sell drugs in an abandoned house." like a pair of matching $250,000 Italian sports cars. PICK A DEMOGRAPHIC, MAN. (Also, luxury car space gets filled in Glam Rap Bingo!)
(Muttered numbers) a gram, prob a 100 grams though.
I listened to this at least 10 times with multiple lyric tabs open. None of them agreed on the words, just that this is some sort of bragging about the price of drugs. Math is hard enough for me when it's delivered in plain English.
Man I swear I love it, how she work the damn pole
First off: strippers. Glam Rap Bingo is getting intense!
Second: Fetty is one of those guys who thinks that every waitress, bartender, and stripper likes him, apparently. Or he's dating an exotic dancer. One small problem with that--the next line.
Hit the strip club, we be letting bands go.
Yeah, you're either shifting to another woman, or you've taken your "queen" to her workplace on a date. Again, let's play at home: Imagine a scenario where you take your special friend to their own workplace on a night out. For how many of you does that end well? No one? Cool.
Everybody hatin' we just call 'em fans though.
BINGO! I win, with expensive liquor, luxury cars, drugs, bands, and haters. I hope everyone enjoyed playing, just as much as the obtuse imbecile singing this song enjoys whining about haters while occupying the #3 spot on the charts. Apparently, I matter more than I think I do.
In love with the money, I ain't never letting go.
We're 1 minute in to the song, and we've already managed to repeat the "money" motif 4 times. Zora Neale Hurston died nearly-bankrupt. Just throwing that out there.
And I get high with my baby
Whoa! Save some innovation, man! You can't keep pushing the musical envelope so far! Don't blow all your experimental genre-defying lyrics on one song...you have to pace yourself!
I just left the mall I'm getting fly with my baby. (Yeaaaahhhhh.)
More genius! Tupac Shakwho? Notorious W.H.A.T.? It's all about the Fetty now.
Hop aboard the Fetty train! Its whistle is a missed note that has been autotuned beyond recognition. Speaking of which, how awful is that "yeah" note? It's like having a nail pounded into your ear. With the critical difference that people don't usually get paid money to ram nails into other peoples' ears.
And I can ride with my baby.
Music has come a long way since Chuck Berry, hasn't it? I mean, sure, those lyrics haven't changed much, but that Chuck Berry song is a classic! And this song...exists. Maybe? It's possible a kid slipped some LSD into my coffee at school and this whole song is just a bad acid trip. That's the best possible outcome, really.
I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby
I got excited for a second when I heard this line. I like pie! Unfortunately, it turns out that "pie"is slang for "coke," which is slang for cocaine. I am not sure if I like cocaine, because I cannot afford it.
Do you think the teachers' union would get behind that as a marching slogan? "Pay us more! So we can score! Coke! Coke! Coke!" I like it. Time to write a letter!
...
Sorry for the delay. My suggestion was rejected and I had to serve a month or so of community service since I started writing this post. I'm sure this song has fallen off the charts since then.
Or it's risen to #3. That's cool. Hey, Fetty's about to start rapping! This is gonna be great!
Hit the strip with my trap queen 'cause all we know is bands
Hey, I know I've been in the county jail for a few weeks, followed by some time cleaning North Carolina's fine highway system, but...didn't he mention bands like 6 lines ago? No one in the production crew noticed this? It's alright. There's a limited number of words for "money." It's not like there's a readily available source of synonyms that you can look up free of charge at virtually any time. I wish there was--someone should come up with that.
I might just snatch a Ferrari and buy my boo a Lam
Is the song looping on itself? 9 lines ago he mentioned a certain Italian luxury car maker, and yet here we are. Does anyone else hear this? At the very least, does anyone else understand why I think this may just be a bad trip?
I just might snatch up her necklace, drop a couple on a ring
Correct me if I'm wrong, "snatching" something means to steal it, right? So...you're gonna steal your special lady's necklace? That...does not make sense. It did not make sense when Gregg Allman did it. To buy her (I hope it's her) a ring does not make it any better.
She ain't wantin' for nothin'
Except a necklace.
Because I buy her everything
This is the closest to "love" that this song comes to. Still a pretty shallow, highly materialistic sort of love. But...better than stealing jewelry. Maybe.
Big Zoo Wap in the bando, without dinero can't go
I've got no idea what that first line means or if it's even correct. Nor do I care. "Bando" is mentioned again, though.
Is this a freestyle? Like, those have an excuse to be repetitive, because it's being made up off the top of the head. But if you sit down, write a song, record it, layer it with drum machines, autotune, and synth hooks, and can't be bothered to check and see if the words repeat every 3 lines or so...you have a problem.
Remy Boyz got the stamp, countin' up hella bands though
Too bad our bingo game is over. That probably would have filled up the card. I know the last space on my card was "brag about weaponry." Also, bands again!
How far can your bands go?
Well, Guster's on a tour of the US, while Muse is--oh, you're talking about money. Again. For the 3rd time in the last 3 lines. First place for consistency, dead last for originality. The first one of my students to tell me "Fetty Wap writes good lyrics" is getting thrown out of my classroom window.
There's a few more lines before the chorus, but I can't bring myself to care enough to talk about them. It's more references to Fetty having money. I know, I'm as surprised as you are!
Anyhow, chorus gets burbled again. Autotune does not relent. Song does not improve.
There's like 4 lines added to the second chorus, though, because song structure is for pansies and posers and musicians.
I be smoking dope
That explains a lot.
And you know Backwoods what I roll.
Apparently this is a reference to stuffing empty (and super cheap) Backwoods cigarillos with marijuana. Because Fetty will drop a few million on matching cars, but he's very frugal about his illegal drug consumption. He only buys heroin when it's on sale and he's a cardholder at Bob's Meth Emporium.
Remy Boy Fetty eating s*** up that's fa' sho'
Yes. We're all impressed. This is groundbreaking and absolutely worth bragging about. Just like it's worth wasting however long I've spent writing about it and however long you've spent reading about it. This song is killing all of us.
I'll run in your house, and I'll f*** your hoe.
Well, that's impolite. You've spent 3 minutes talking about how special this lady is (stolen jewelry notwithstanding) and now you're talking about having sex with another woman in the very same song. WHY ARE PEOPLE VOLUNTARILY LISTENING TO THIS?! You are better than this, listening public!
'Cause Remy Boyz or nothin', Re-Re-Remy Boyz or nothin...
I'll take nothing, please.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Not knowing much about rap music, I consulted a coworker who enjoys it for recommendations. He recommended Kendrick Lamar (who I've heard of!) and Joey Bada$$ (who I have not heard of!). Whether you follow these recommendations or not, please follow my last recommendation: stop listening to a man who allows himself to be called "Fetty."
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