Andrew Reviews: Heart Attack

"Artist:" Demi Lovato
Chart position at time of writing: 11 (Peak position: 10)
Video link that you'll regret clicking on: here

Review: It it fair to make fun of a Disney product like Demi Lovato? I mean, I'm a 26 year old male--not exactly the target demographic for our mouse-eared friends, so I'm supposed to hate everything that they produce, right? Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, High School Musical, etc. etc. As a man with a younger sister, I've hated Disney's tween crap with for longer and with more fervor than most. So maybe it's fate that my first review for this blog is directed at a Disney product. Well, that, or I'm just holding a grudge.

OK, on to the music. Here's the opening lines:

Puttin’ my defenses up
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I’d have a heart attack

Eleven seconds in and we're already off the rails. Nothing too egregious in the lyrics beyond the irritating slant rhyme of "up" and "love," but that's not what we're focusing on here. Even if the song has six writers that's not what we're focusing on here. The audio starts out as merely mediocre and takes a quick turn into vomit-inducingly bad. To properly understand what's so bad about this clip, you need to click on the link up there. Because the word "attack" is force-fed through a computer with schizophrenia and a stuttering problem. It sounds like Porky Pig inhaled helium and tried to read the lyrics. Oh, this is not promising...

Never put my love out on the line
Never said yes to the right guy
Never had trouble getting what I want
But when it comes to you, I’m never good enough
When I don’t care
I can play ‘em like a Ken doll
Won’t wash my hair
Then make 'em bounce like a basketball

No bigger turn-on than a girl who brags about how she uses men like playthings, am I right fellas? Look, Demi Lovato is a very pretty lady, but she's basically spending 7 of these 8 lines bragging about toying with her previous boyfriends. She's like the anti-Taylor Swift. But wait! That line in the middle--perhaps a change is coming for Miss Lovato! Read/listen on!

But you make me wanna act like a girl
Paint my nails and wear high heels
Yes you, make me so nervous
That I just can’t hold your hand

I think I've heard lyrics like this before...Hm, here's a completely random and unrelated sample of the 1993 song "You Make Me Want to Wear Dresses" by Lisa Germano:
You make we want to wear dresses 
You look at me so fragile 
You make me think about nothing  
It feels so good like that 
You look at me so fragile
Nah, no similarities there...I don't even know what I was going for. Wait, there's a chorus coming in "Heart Attack."

You make me glow, but I cover up
Won’t let it show, so I’m
Puttin’ my defences up
Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I’d have a heart attack
I think I’d have a heart attack
I think I’d have a heart attack  

Again, you really can't understand this without hearing the song, but the words "glow," "show," and "attack" are all held out in a manner that I can only assume was supposed to display Miss Lovato's impressive range. Truth be told, it sounds like she's shouting at us. Like "LOOK AT THESE WORDS AND HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE! GLoooOOOOOooooOOOOWWWW!" It also helps that the line about a heart attack is repeated 3 times. Just in case we missed it the first time. And in the title.

Also, let me address that slant rhyme now. I don't care how badly you want them to, the words "up" and "love" do not rhyme. How did none of the six motherfletching songwriters come up with a better line?!

Lastly, falling in love will give you a heart attack? Since we're obviously (I hope) not talking about cardiac arrest here, I can only assume this is an attempt at one o' them there metaphors. Unfortunately, Demi is resisting a relationship to avoid a heart attack. But...won't resisting love and the stresses thereof make her heart much more likely to attack her? I mean, I'm just one guy against six here, but...Never mind, let's carry on with the lyrics

Never break a sweat for the other guys
When you come around, I get paralyzed

Not to be Captain Literal here, but there's a pretty big gap between breaking a sweat and paralysis. Demi may not want to take up sports if she thinks sweating and paralysis go hand in hand. OK, that was unfair. It's possible one of the other 5 writers cooked that one up.

And every time I try to be myself
It comes out wrong like a cry for help


Is this in general, or just around your special someone? Because if the "right guy" makes you not act like you then (and I can't emphasize this enough) he's not the right guy!

It’s just not fair
Pain’s more trouble than love is worth

Very poor writing, Demi. See me after class.

I gasp for air

Get an inhaler.

It feels so good, but you know it hurts

And now you've gone and reminded me of John Mellencamp's "Hurts So Good," which I would much rather be listening to right now. (Special note to those who just said/thought/commented: "Then why don't you do that and quit mocking this song?": If I did that, then the blog wouldn't be very entertaining, now would it?) (Special note to those who just said/thought/commented: "It isn't entertaining.": Then go read something else.)

To save you some time, we'll skip over the repeated lines in the prechorus and chorus. Just know that she wants to wear perfume this time, still can't hold the dude's hand, and will apparently need a pacemaker if she develops a serious relationship.

The feelings got lost in my lungs
They’re burning, I’d rather be numb


That's smoke, dear.

And there’s no one else to blame
So scared I take off and I run

Running with burning lungs? I reiterate my previous statement about Demi and sports.

I’m flying too close to the sun
And I burst into flames

Looks like the songwriter was asleep in mythology class. Since this is, I assume, a reference to Icarus, I do feel obliged to call this one out. In the story, Icarus flies too close to the sun with his wax/feather wings and crashes into the sea. Which is, y'know, sorta the opposite of bursting into flames. Come on guys, no one in the meeting called this one out?

A few choruses later and we're blessedly finished with a very unpleasant three minutes and thirty-six seconds of screeching.

Recommended Alternative Listening: Let's try a strong-voiced lady who isn't just yelling at us. Go with Aretha Franklin's "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman." Need something more modern? Go with "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys. Both the songs carry a more positive message about that "perfect guy" without all the irritating faux teen angst.