"Artist:" Taylor Swift "featuring" Kendrick Lamar
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 4 (Peak: #1, for one week)
Link to a...thing: I think it's supposed to be a music video, but it's really hard to tell. (Go 30 seconds in for the actual part where rhythmic noise happens.)
Review: We all have friends on social media who love to post statuses that read as follows: "Sum ppl dont no how good they have it i wont name names but i am better w/o u!" Most of us read those, roll our eyes, and move on to the baby pictures, un-funny memes, and psychotic political rhetoric that define the Facebook experience for a typical twentysomething.
Not Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift read one of those posts and thought "I can make a song out of this!" Brace yourself for a very passive-aggressive ride, folks.
'Cause baby now we got bad blood
You know it used to be mad love
"Mad love." Really? Remember when Taylor Swift talked about how hard it was to be uncool? And how if she did anything like rapping, it was totally ironic. Man, 2009 was so long ago.
Also, I love that the video has a moment at this point where it calls itself "A Joseph Kahn FILM." (Emphasis mine.) Dude, you direct music videos. Your two feature films have Metacritic scores of 22 and 38. It's fine, not everyone can be good at everything. Maybe try fishing? Or, at the very least, try directing a music video where you don't try to cram all the Michael Bay stereotypes you can into 4 minutes.
So take a look what you've done
'Cause baby now we got bad blood, hey!
We're 4 lines into the song and we've already used the same line twice. Unlike another member of my family, I don't necessarily consider repetition to be a sign of sheer idiocy. If you have a good line with multiple meanings, or a line whose meaning changes as the song progresses, then you should use it to full artistic effect.
But I think we can all agree that this isn't one of those cases, right? This is just her, establishing that she does not like the passive-aggressively unnamed subject of the tune. And this line (with slight variations) is repeated 14 times over the course of her portion of the song. Using this lyrics page, I counted up 49 lines for Ms. Swift. Thus, the phrase "now we got bad blood" makes up roughly 28% of her lines! (Math, lyrical analysis, and blogging--I am officially the least interesting person on the planet.)
Also, since this is a pop single in the year 2015, it's time for the obligatory rap!
Hey, I can't take it back.
Look where I'm at.
We was on D like DOC, remember that?
Role-play time. You're Kendrick Lamar. You are a preternaturally talented rapper who has been declared "the savior of hip hop" by critics and fans alike. You have just released an album that received universal acclaim for both its sound and its message. Having released multiple tunes focusing on the struggles and triumphs of being black in America, what is your next move? I'll give you a second.
...
How many of you said "appear as the backup artist on a song about a pop starlet's generic rage?" Everyone? Good. Me too.
My TLC was quite OD ID my facts
I work in education. I can appreciate a good acronym more than most people. But stringing together a list like this isn't going to make sense to anyone who doesn't take the time to look this stuff up. And the only sort of people who look this stuff up are 1) masochistic idiots like me and 2) overprotective Moms who want to make sure TLC doesn't stand for "Trust and love Communism."
Eh, who am I kidding? I've done this for 2 years. No one's listening to the friggin' lyrics, there's a half-naked Taylor Swift on the screen and a catchy beat in the background.
Now POV of you and me similar Iraq.
So looking at this relationship reminds one of the brutal sectarian violence that has broken out in an entirely artificial nation-state--violence which horrifies us, but from an historic standpoint is just another link in the miserable chain of religious and ethnic hatred that has dominated the Mesopotamian region for 7,000 years, literally dating back to the foundation of the first civilization in human history?
That seems a tad overstated.
I don't hate you, but I hate to,
critique, overrate you
These beats of a dark heart, use basslines to replace you
Give these lines a pass. We've all had a day where we sit and listen to music and think about past relationships. Right? Oh, God, please tell me I'm right and that I wasn't an emo kid. I was an emo kid, wasn't I? And it took Kendrick Lamar's guest verse on a Taylor Swift song to make me realize it. Worst self-revelation ever.
Take time and erase you, love don't hear no more
No I don't fear no more, better yet respect ain't quite sincere no more.
Respect "ain't quite sincere?" Way to pansy out at the end, man. Let me improve this:
Take time and erase you, love don't hear no more
No I don't fear no more, better yet flaming bag of poop outside ya door.
Same number of syllables, far meaner. Taylor's back, now! Perhaps she'll shed some light on the degradation of this once-harmonious partnership.
Oh, it's so sad to
Think about the good times
Such as? Any examples? Because as it currently stands, you are saying literally nothing. If this song were Wikipedia, there'd be [citation needed] tags at the end of every freaking word coming out of T-Swizzle's mouth.
You and I
...might as well be referring to two letters of the alphabet for all we know about Taylor Swift's relationship with the person in question.
The first four lines of the song loop again, and then we're given the remainder of the chorus:
Now we got problems,
And I don't think we can solve them.
You made a really deep cut.
Worthy to note that, in the Rolling Stone article I linked to above, Tay-Tay describes herself as "never sure" if she was friends with the subject of this tune, indicating a casual-at-best relationship. Yet the lyrics make their subject seem like the second coming of Judas Iscariot. Taylor's next single is going to be about the employee at her regular Starbucks who once gave her a Two Shot Venti Hazelnut Caramel Latte with no whipped cream when she asked for a Three Shot Venti Hazelnut Caramel Latte with no whipped cream.
I anticipate "Shot in the Dark (ft. Wiz Khalifa)" will go double platinum and win a Grammy.
Kendrick returns to rap:
Hey, Remember when you tried to write me off?
Remember when you thought I'd take a loss.
In an ideal world, Kendrick would stop here, turn to the camera and say "Wait a minute. I wrote those lines for myself. I don't have to be here, and I sure don't have to do this. I'm out!" But then you and I would have to sit through the Kendrick-free version of the song which: a) I can't find on YouTube and b) is even worse than this one.
Don't you remember, you thought that I would need ya.
Follow procedure, remember? Oh, wait, you got amnesia?
Well, I wish I could forget the past 2 minutes of music and weird leather outfits, yes. But then I'd have to explain to my wife why I was watching what appears to be a mashup between Fifty Shades of Grey and one of the Transformers movies. In the end, it's best that I not have amnesia. I'm sure you understand.
It was my season for battle wounds, battle scars
Body bumped, bruised, stabbed in the back
Brimstone, fire jumping through
This section of song brought to you by the American Foundation for Hyperbole. Our motto is "If a job's worth doing, then it's worth comparing a non-specific personal slight to the horrors of combat and the unending torment of an eternity in Hell."
We're working on the motto.
Still all my life I got money and power,
I can only assume this was the product of Kendrick and Taylor's "who can write the most generic line possible" contest. Kendrick wins on sheer unoriginality, but Taylor puts in a great showing in the repetition category
And you gotta live with the bad blood now.
I have to live with 2 more minutes of Taylor Swift repeating the same nondirectional barbs while adding only 4 new lines, 3 of which are repeated twice?! YOU ARE A MONSTER, KENDRICK LAMAR.
Band-aids don't fix bullet holes
Taylor Swift was awake for that part of health class.
You say sorry just for show
Excuse me--the person at whom you have directed these barbs apologized to you? And apparently did so in private, because it was not plastered across entertainment media as the top story for a full week. And you're gonna say it was "for show" and continue to play the victim?
Are we done yet? I'd really like to be done.
You live like that, you live with ghosts.
Well, it took darn near the whole song, but we finally know who the target is. An old friend/acquaintance who betrayed Taylor Swift and now lives in a constant maze of injurious gluttony, surrounded by ghosts? The signs all point to one person: Pac-Man.
Anyhow, those lines loop one more time and we arrive at the grand finale (before the chorus repeats 2 more times, of course):
When you love like that, blood runs cold
Because this is a song about blood. Specifically blood that has gone bad. Just making sure you got that.
Meanwhile, in the video: Respectable to semi-respectable actresses and models make inexplicable appearances in impractical outfits. Video blows up London for some reason. Swift reveals she looks her best as a redhead, still fails to save the song. She and Selena Gomez punch each other in the face as the video cuts to black. I didn't make a single word of that up.
Recommended Alternative Listening: First and foremost, a Bastille song with the same title that I assumed (hoped?) Swift had covered. Actual content detailing a lost friendship with a plea to end the feud. Try out Cee Lo Green's pointed (if not poetic) hit for genuine pop anger with actual background given to the emotion: Available in censored and horrifyingly uncensored forms. Or, listen to the lyrics of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive," and recognize that the tune is about a strong lady who's done being a doormat. Beats the heck out of whining for 4 minutes.
Well aware of the hypocrisy in the previous sentence, thanks.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Andrew Reviews: Honey, I'm Good.
"Artist:" Andy Grammer
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 11 (Peak: 9)
Video Link, proving the music industry hates you: So much.
Review: Repeat after me--"Catchy does not mean good." Say it again. And once more. Well done.
Just because a song gets stuck in your head does not make it a quality piece of music. If you get the hook for Rihanna's "Birthday Cake" jammed into your cerebrum, that does not make it equivalent to Beethoven's 5th. Is everyone clear on that? Are there any questions? Put your hand down, blogs do not work that way. Lyrics!
Nah, nah, honey I'm good.
I could have another but I probably should not
The second line here is a syllabic train wreck. I'm no songwriter, but if you have to add an extra beat to make the line fit into the rhythm of the song, maybe consider changing the words to fit the music. This song is something of a rarity for our blog, as it has only two writers, one of whom is actually singing the thing. You'd think that guy would know the little "should not" break fits into the song about as smoothly as a tiger in a nursing home. Apparently he did not.
I've got somebody at home-home-home-home
I am absolutely astounded at the amount of effects used in the chorus of this song. Because repeating a line dozens of times apparently requires autotune and layering effects. Singing must be very difficult.
It's been a long night here, and a long night there
Who wrote this? I want whichever one of the songwriters who put this down and thought "this is a finished line in a song" to come to North Carolina so I can meet them, shake their hand, apply some baby powder to my hand, and smack them with all of my might.
If a 3rd grade class was assigned a poetry project and a student wrote this line, the teacher would circle it with red pen and write "WTF?! Fix this!" The teacher would get fired, while the student would go on to hit the Top 10 with his song "Nite Tyme is When It's Dark (ft. Drake)."
And these long long legs are damn near everywhere.
While this is just a generic line about a lady with long, attractive legs, I like to think that the woman in question is actually a giant spider. Or maybe one of those folks born with more than 2 legs. Decry my imagination if you must, but we're 5 lines in and nothing interesting has happened.
Hold up now
You look good, I will not lie
Lots of love has been lavished on this song for its positive message of not cheating on one's girlfriend/spouse. I'll admit that it's better than the typical pro-infidelity song, but there's still a massive problem here. Namely, why the heck are you out drinking with another woman who you admittedly find attractive? This strikes me as a recipe for bad things to happen. If I'm aiming to prove my faithfulness to my wife, I'm not gonna do so by having drinks with Katy Perry.
There's something to be said for not putting yourself into flagrantly stupid situations. Sure, you're saying that you're good this time. What about tomorrow night, Andy? WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW!?
But if you ask where I'm staying tonight
"My answer will be the Red Roof Inn of Toledo, Ohio. Red Roof Inn: it's slightly better than a crack house."
I gotta be like aw, baby,
Naw baby
You got me all wrong, baby
My baby's already got all my love.
Hey, pal. Protip here: when you're turning down the woman who's been flirting and drinking with you all night, it's probably best not to call her by the same pet name you call your committed partner. This is what we in the human relations business call a "mixed signal."
Nah, nah, honey I'm good.
I could have another but I probably should not
I got somebody at home,
and if I stay I might not leave alone.
No one came with him? He just decided to fly solo at the bar? A good looking musician, sitting alone. He didn't think this was a gigantic invitation to Temptation Central? He should consider himself fortunate that there's only one attractive woman in Toledo, otherwise this song would be about a group of attractive women violently ripping Andy Grammer to shreds.
Actually, that would be awesome. Can we get that song instead?
Nah, honey I'm good,
I could have another but I probably should not
This has been established. 3 times now. In the first 44 seconds of the song. WE FREAKING GET IT.
I got to bid you adieu.
To another I will stay true.
Yep, you're not cheating. Gold star. Somehow, most of us non-cheaters have managed to do so without writing an annoying song about it. On the bright side, I'm through the chorus, which means I don't have to write about it anymore, even though it plays three more ear-grating times through the course of the song.
Now better men better men,
than me have failed
Behold, the art of the humble-brag! "I know I'm not the best guy, but I am not going to sleep with this attractive random Ohioan. Well, shucks, I guess I'm not that bad."
Drinking from that Unholy Grail
The Unholy Grail is that cup the Nazi drank from at the end of The Last Crusade.
Now check it out,
I've got her, and she's got me
This is generally how non-awful relationships work. Seriously, who wrote this? Is the other songwriter actually an elementary school student?
And you've got that ass.
It's verifiable fact that all songs purporting to be heartfelt can be improved by the insertion of semi-random, soft-edged, generally inoffensive profanity. Honestly, this is what makes Shakespeare such a hack. Watch me improve the famous and vastly overrated Sonnet 18:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Strong winds may shake the darling buds of May,
and baby, your tits are super great.
How much better is that? 10 times better? Infinity times better? Probably the second one.
But I kindly,
"You've got that ass" followed by "I kindly" followed in a few lines by "sure as hell ain't mine" (see below). I am not sure Andy Grammer or his co-songwriter/little brother know what the word "kindly" actually means.
After this, the prechorus and chorus go again, unchanged in their unrelenting desire to make you kill yourself. Then there's a bridge and all of the "new" words are done with.
Oh, I'm sure you'll, sure you'll, make somebody's night
Yep, some lucky guy is gonna get a one-night stand out of a woman who got rejected by a pop singer. I am sure she will feel great about that, and we know that the guy's gonna be super excited to learn he's the coveted Second Prize.
But oh, I assure ya, assure ya, it sure as hell's not mine.
Well played. Really nailed that final rejection, man! Your spouse is going to be so pleased. You were drinking alone with a pretty woman whose attractiveness you repeatedly acknowledged, but you wound up not sleeping with her. Someone sign this guy up for the Congressional Medal of Honor, he's a Real American Hero.
Recommended Alternative Listening: I could just put "any love song that is actually a love song" here, but I'm more dedicated to my craft than (and this is just a random example off the top of my head) Andy Grammer and the Cub Scout who helped him write this song. So try out this poppy love song by Guster that is actually about love. Or give an early Beatles tune a spin--it's nice and repetitive, yet somehow not awful. If what drew you in to this song is the faithful man on the road, may I recommend Chicago's "Wishin' You Were Here." Or, if you're convinced I'm wrong, here's the club remix of the song. It is even worse.
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 11 (Peak: 9)
Video Link, proving the music industry hates you: So much.
Review: Repeat after me--"Catchy does not mean good." Say it again. And once more. Well done.
Just because a song gets stuck in your head does not make it a quality piece of music. If you get the hook for Rihanna's "Birthday Cake" jammed into your cerebrum, that does not make it equivalent to Beethoven's 5th. Is everyone clear on that? Are there any questions? Put your hand down, blogs do not work that way. Lyrics!
Nah, nah, honey I'm good.
I could have another but I probably should not
The second line here is a syllabic train wreck. I'm no songwriter, but if you have to add an extra beat to make the line fit into the rhythm of the song, maybe consider changing the words to fit the music. This song is something of a rarity for our blog, as it has only two writers, one of whom is actually singing the thing. You'd think that guy would know the little "should not" break fits into the song about as smoothly as a tiger in a nursing home. Apparently he did not.
I've got somebody at home-home-home-home
I am absolutely astounded at the amount of effects used in the chorus of this song. Because repeating a line dozens of times apparently requires autotune and layering effects. Singing must be very difficult.
It's been a long night here, and a long night there
Who wrote this? I want whichever one of the songwriters who put this down and thought "this is a finished line in a song" to come to North Carolina so I can meet them, shake their hand, apply some baby powder to my hand, and smack them with all of my might.
If a 3rd grade class was assigned a poetry project and a student wrote this line, the teacher would circle it with red pen and write "WTF?! Fix this!" The teacher would get fired, while the student would go on to hit the Top 10 with his song "Nite Tyme is When It's Dark (ft. Drake)."
And these long long legs are damn near everywhere.
While this is just a generic line about a lady with long, attractive legs, I like to think that the woman in question is actually a giant spider. Or maybe one of those folks born with more than 2 legs. Decry my imagination if you must, but we're 5 lines in and nothing interesting has happened.
Hold up now
You look good, I will not lie
Lots of love has been lavished on this song for its positive message of not cheating on one's girlfriend/spouse. I'll admit that it's better than the typical pro-infidelity song, but there's still a massive problem here. Namely, why the heck are you out drinking with another woman who you admittedly find attractive? This strikes me as a recipe for bad things to happen. If I'm aiming to prove my faithfulness to my wife, I'm not gonna do so by having drinks with Katy Perry.
There's something to be said for not putting yourself into flagrantly stupid situations. Sure, you're saying that you're good this time. What about tomorrow night, Andy? WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW!?
But if you ask where I'm staying tonight
"My answer will be the Red Roof Inn of Toledo, Ohio. Red Roof Inn: it's slightly better than a crack house."
I gotta be like aw, baby,
Naw baby
You got me all wrong, baby
My baby's already got all my love.
Hey, pal. Protip here: when you're turning down the woman who's been flirting and drinking with you all night, it's probably best not to call her by the same pet name you call your committed partner. This is what we in the human relations business call a "mixed signal."
Nah, nah, honey I'm good.
I could have another but I probably should not
I got somebody at home,
and if I stay I might not leave alone.
No one came with him? He just decided to fly solo at the bar? A good looking musician, sitting alone. He didn't think this was a gigantic invitation to Temptation Central? He should consider himself fortunate that there's only one attractive woman in Toledo, otherwise this song would be about a group of attractive women violently ripping Andy Grammer to shreds.
Actually, that would be awesome. Can we get that song instead?
Nah, honey I'm good,
I could have another but I probably should not
This has been established. 3 times now. In the first 44 seconds of the song. WE FREAKING GET IT.
I got to bid you adieu.
To another I will stay true.
Yep, you're not cheating. Gold star. Somehow, most of us non-cheaters have managed to do so without writing an annoying song about it. On the bright side, I'm through the chorus, which means I don't have to write about it anymore, even though it plays three more ear-grating times through the course of the song.
Now better men better men,
than me have failed
Behold, the art of the humble-brag! "I know I'm not the best guy, but I am not going to sleep with this attractive random Ohioan. Well, shucks, I guess I'm not that bad."
Drinking from that Unholy Grail
The Unholy Grail is that cup the Nazi drank from at the end of The Last Crusade.
Now check it out,
I've got her, and she's got me
This is generally how non-awful relationships work. Seriously, who wrote this? Is the other songwriter actually an elementary school student?
And you've got that ass.
It's verifiable fact that all songs purporting to be heartfelt can be improved by the insertion of semi-random, soft-edged, generally inoffensive profanity. Honestly, this is what makes Shakespeare such a hack. Watch me improve the famous and vastly overrated Sonnet 18:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Strong winds may shake the darling buds of May,
and baby, your tits are super great.
How much better is that? 10 times better? Infinity times better? Probably the second one.
But I kindly,
"You've got that ass" followed by "I kindly" followed in a few lines by "sure as hell ain't mine" (see below). I am not sure Andy Grammer or his co-songwriter/little brother know what the word "kindly" actually means.
After this, the prechorus and chorus go again, unchanged in their unrelenting desire to make you kill yourself. Then there's a bridge and all of the "new" words are done with.
Oh, I'm sure you'll, sure you'll, make somebody's night
Yep, some lucky guy is gonna get a one-night stand out of a woman who got rejected by a pop singer. I am sure she will feel great about that, and we know that the guy's gonna be super excited to learn he's the coveted Second Prize.
But oh, I assure ya, assure ya, it sure as hell's not mine.
Well played. Really nailed that final rejection, man! Your spouse is going to be so pleased. You were drinking alone with a pretty woman whose attractiveness you repeatedly acknowledged, but you wound up not sleeping with her. Someone sign this guy up for the Congressional Medal of Honor, he's a Real American Hero.
Recommended Alternative Listening: I could just put "any love song that is actually a love song" here, but I'm more dedicated to my craft than (and this is just a random example off the top of my head) Andy Grammer and the Cub Scout who helped him write this song. So try out this poppy love song by Guster that is actually about love. Or give an early Beatles tune a spin--it's nice and repetitive, yet somehow not awful. If what drew you in to this song is the faithful man on the road, may I recommend Chicago's "Wishin' You Were Here." Or, if you're convinced I'm wrong, here's the club remix of the song. It is even worse.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Andrew Reviews: Sippin' On Fire
"Artist:" Florida Georgia Line
Chart Position on Hot 100 at time of writing: 68 (Peak Position: 40)
Country Chart Position at time of writing: 17 (Peak: 2)
Video Link: How did all these fish get into this barrel?
Review: Let's be honest, if you actually enjoy listening to Florida Georgia Line you just shouldn't read this review. I'll be besmirching a band you like while using words like "besmirching" and "cacophony," which will just make you madder when you have to go get a dictionary to decipher my sesquipedalian dismantling of your loathsome Lothario duo.
Are they gone? Nifty.
Look, this is low-hanging fruit and I know it. But I'm coming off a stressful week spent in a town where people unironically think this music is representative of the lives they live. That's not true, but it's hard to write songs about chugging Budweiser at 11am because your meth guy doesn't start selling until noon, so they settle for this.
Sorry for the long intro...lyrics!
Girl you melt me like ice in whiskey
Or like ice in any other room temperature liquid. But whiskey rhymes easily with "me," and it fits in with the bro-douche-country leitmotif that life is all about sleeping with pretty girls, driving trucks, and getting hammered. So the songwriters used whiskey.
with those blue flame looks that you give me.
What the heck is a "blue flame look"?! To see if anyone in the history of humanity has used this terminology before, I Googled it. The first result is from the Department of Physics at the University of Illinois. The second result is for a propane company.
Therefore, we must conclude that the line "blue flame look" is another example of Big Energy's pervasive hold upon our society, and that I have no friends because I am looking up the lyrics to country music songs on a beautiful summer day.
You can't hide,
what's inside
Scenarios in which it is OK to say "You can't hide what's inside:"
1. If you are a motivational speaker, encouraging a group of small children to be themselves
2. If you are manipulating someone to do something against their will.
3. If you are a murderer and you are about to murder someone.
Scenarios in which it is not OK to say "You can't hide what's inside:"
1. When singing a painfully generic bro-country song.
2. Any other time ever.
And it's killin' me right now to see
You wanna slip off with me again.
Oh, good, a line about how she knows she wants him. "Blurred Lines," anyone?
Look, I get that lots of people (male and female) find confidence attractive. I also get that there's a fine line between confidence and cockiness. But this is so far over that line that the line is a faint memory. If the confidence/cockiness line is the Florida/Georgia state line, then this section of lyrics would be located somewhere in Kentucky. Also, the chorus is starting. Yay.
Why should we go round and round the truth, like we been doin'
You're right. I've sidestepped a major issue for too long in this review. But no more. Let's speak the truth--my intense research confirms that Florida Georgia Line singer Tyler Hubbard is in fact former Creed front man Scott Stapp:
Every time we lie girl, we're losin'.
Seriously, this is classical manipulative behavior. "I see you want me," "Don't deny it," and so on. This thing should be used by psychiatrists to spot potential criminals.
So why should we spend Saturday night alone
"Not with you" does not mean "alone." Do not confuse the two.
When I can call you on the phone, pick you up
Hold it. Near as I can tell, this song is being delivered to the lovely lady in question, right? And yet, here we have the words "call you on the phone" in the midst of the song. So...is he texting this proposition to her? Is this a sing-along email? Is our singer doing that thing where you're talking on the phone and you ask "Where's my phone?" and then you realize that it's in your hand?
Make it up as we go along
Risky to put your songwriting strategy in the middle of your chorus, but you have to admire the guts it took to do it.
Pull an all nighter chasin' that desire
In college, I once pulled an all nighter writing a paper about the German Navy in the First World War as a social barometer for the country as a whole. I got a B on it. That has nothing to do with the song, I've just waited 10 years to tell someone about it and I finally had my opening. God, that felt good.
What were we talking about again? Oh, right, a generic 2015 country tune that would fit right in to those montages of 6 or 7 songs with the same tune and lyrics. If you haven't looked one of those up, you really should. It will be much more entertaining than this post or (heaven forbid) listening to the rest of the song.
Sparks flying in her eyes like lighters
Even atrocious songs have 1 or 2 passable lines in them. This is the one for this song, even if the sentence structure makes it sound like there are sparks flying into this poor girl's eyes, which would probably blind her. Which would actually make sense, what with the fact that she's hanging out with Florida Georgia Line.
Get a little higher
Actually, get much higher. Go into that register that only dogs can hear. Those furry jerks have had it too easy for too long--they deserve to suffer through Florida Georgia Line as much as the rest of us.
Sippin' on fire
You know, the only flame references in the song thus far have been to the lovely lady's eyes. Thus, we can conclude that this is a song about ocular cannibalism.
OK, that's taking the line too far. It's probably just a reference to Fireball Whiskey, which is also referenced in a different Florida Georgia Line song. That song is different than this one, though. In that song, the singer is an overconfident jerk who is drinking with a woman and is pretty sure she wants to sleep with him. Totally different. Verse two of the song will show us just how different:
Yeah you act like you don't know what you're missin'
The self-confidence dripping off of these lines is incredible. We all know that guy who thought that every woman he met (waitress, bartender, parole officer, etc.) secretly wanted him. Apparently that guy grew up and became a songwriter.
Every time you end up back with him.
Cause it's safe.
...wait a motherfletching second.
We're 1 minute and 30 seconds into this song. Thus far, we know that you've had multiple liaisons with this young lady, none of which have ended in a committed relationship. We've put up with a minute of cacophonous over-produced noise that basically amounts to a nonsensical sonic booty call. You and your 3 songwriters have provided no evidence this proposed Saturday night fling will be anything more than another round on the carousel of manipulation, use, and rejection that you and your feminine puppet have been riding for however long this has gone on.
Now you're telling me that the lady has a steady partner she runs to when you rip her heart out Aztec style? AND HE IS THE F***ING BAD GUY IN THIS SCENARIO?! IT IS A BAD THING THAT HE'S "SAFE"?!?!!?!
I'll be right back once I'm done throwing up everything I have eaten in the month of July...
And you're scared.
Of you, bro-douche. Of you and your Master's Degree in Musical Sociopathy from Nashville's prestigious Music Row Institute for the Demolition of a Once-Respected Genre.
I'd be scared too.
Of everything you're feelin'
when we're burnin' the midnight down again.
You can't burn midnight down. It is not a place. You can burn your house down. You can burn a city down (not that I'd like to do that to any very specific places right now). You cannot burn down midnight. Not even if you light a clock on fire.
Chorus goes again, but somehow there's only 2 more "new" lines in the last 1 minute and 50 seconds of the song. If that isn't a metaphor for something, I don't know what is.
Every goodbye is bittersweet.
So why should we fight what we both need?
I dunno. Because she's clearly got someone who doesn't cause her emotional trauma? Because short-term impulses need to be controlled for greater long-term good? Because basic impulse control is one of the things that separates humans from less advanced species? Because you've only expressed a want to a person who may or may not actually be interested?
Oh, I forgot. She's a woman in a Florida Georgia Line song. She doesn't actually get input. My bad.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Here. This is a George Jones song about a man who actually loved a woman and did not stop until he died. Here is an aching Hayes Carll tune about a relationship that didn't work out. Here's an up tempo Brooks & Dunn tune that expresses love in a non-douchey manner. Here's Patsy Cline falling to pieces longing for love. Lastly, we have Amy LaVere giving what could be a good response to the song I have reviewed here.
Alternately, catch Florida Georgia Line's new single here. I think it's an improvement.
Chart Position on Hot 100 at time of writing: 68 (Peak Position: 40)
Country Chart Position at time of writing: 17 (Peak: 2)
Video Link: How did all these fish get into this barrel?
Review: Let's be honest, if you actually enjoy listening to Florida Georgia Line you just shouldn't read this review. I'll be besmirching a band you like while using words like "besmirching" and "cacophony," which will just make you madder when you have to go get a dictionary to decipher my sesquipedalian dismantling of your loathsome Lothario duo.
Are they gone? Nifty.
Look, this is low-hanging fruit and I know it. But I'm coming off a stressful week spent in a town where people unironically think this music is representative of the lives they live. That's not true, but it's hard to write songs about chugging Budweiser at 11am because your meth guy doesn't start selling until noon, so they settle for this.
Sorry for the long intro...lyrics!
Girl you melt me like ice in whiskey
Or like ice in any other room temperature liquid. But whiskey rhymes easily with "me," and it fits in with the bro-douche-country leitmotif that life is all about sleeping with pretty girls, driving trucks, and getting hammered. So the songwriters used whiskey.
with those blue flame looks that you give me.
What the heck is a "blue flame look"?! To see if anyone in the history of humanity has used this terminology before, I Googled it. The first result is from the Department of Physics at the University of Illinois. The second result is for a propane company.
Therefore, we must conclude that the line "blue flame look" is another example of Big Energy's pervasive hold upon our society, and that I have no friends because I am looking up the lyrics to country music songs on a beautiful summer day.
You can't hide,
what's inside
Scenarios in which it is OK to say "You can't hide what's inside:"
1. If you are a motivational speaker, encouraging a group of small children to be themselves
2. If you are manipulating someone to do something against their will.
3. If you are a murderer and you are about to murder someone.
Scenarios in which it is not OK to say "You can't hide what's inside:"
1. When singing a painfully generic bro-country song.
2. Any other time ever.
And it's killin' me right now to see
You wanna slip off with me again.
Oh, good, a line about how she knows she wants him. "Blurred Lines," anyone?
Look, I get that lots of people (male and female) find confidence attractive. I also get that there's a fine line between confidence and cockiness. But this is so far over that line that the line is a faint memory. If the confidence/cockiness line is the Florida/Georgia state line, then this section of lyrics would be located somewhere in Kentucky. Also, the chorus is starting. Yay.
Why should we go round and round the truth, like we been doin'
You're right. I've sidestepped a major issue for too long in this review. But no more. Let's speak the truth--my intense research confirms that Florida Georgia Line singer Tyler Hubbard is in fact former Creed front man Scott Stapp:
Special thanks to my former roommate Dave for pointing this out. Further thanks to the photographer of the bottom photo who apparently told Mr. Hubbard, "Now act like you're about to ask a girl if she's 18 yet."
Every time we lie girl, we're losin'.
Seriously, this is classical manipulative behavior. "I see you want me," "Don't deny it," and so on. This thing should be used by psychiatrists to spot potential criminals.
So why should we spend Saturday night alone
"Not with you" does not mean "alone." Do not confuse the two.
When I can call you on the phone, pick you up
Hold it. Near as I can tell, this song is being delivered to the lovely lady in question, right? And yet, here we have the words "call you on the phone" in the midst of the song. So...is he texting this proposition to her? Is this a sing-along email? Is our singer doing that thing where you're talking on the phone and you ask "Where's my phone?" and then you realize that it's in your hand?
Make it up as we go along
Risky to put your songwriting strategy in the middle of your chorus, but you have to admire the guts it took to do it.
Pull an all nighter chasin' that desire
In college, I once pulled an all nighter writing a paper about the German Navy in the First World War as a social barometer for the country as a whole. I got a B on it. That has nothing to do with the song, I've just waited 10 years to tell someone about it and I finally had my opening. God, that felt good.
What were we talking about again? Oh, right, a generic 2015 country tune that would fit right in to those montages of 6 or 7 songs with the same tune and lyrics. If you haven't looked one of those up, you really should. It will be much more entertaining than this post or (heaven forbid) listening to the rest of the song.
Sparks flying in her eyes like lighters
Even atrocious songs have 1 or 2 passable lines in them. This is the one for this song, even if the sentence structure makes it sound like there are sparks flying into this poor girl's eyes, which would probably blind her. Which would actually make sense, what with the fact that she's hanging out with Florida Georgia Line.
Get a little higher
Actually, get much higher. Go into that register that only dogs can hear. Those furry jerks have had it too easy for too long--they deserve to suffer through Florida Georgia Line as much as the rest of us.
Sippin' on fire
You know, the only flame references in the song thus far have been to the lovely lady's eyes. Thus, we can conclude that this is a song about ocular cannibalism.
OK, that's taking the line too far. It's probably just a reference to Fireball Whiskey, which is also referenced in a different Florida Georgia Line song. That song is different than this one, though. In that song, the singer is an overconfident jerk who is drinking with a woman and is pretty sure she wants to sleep with him. Totally different. Verse two of the song will show us just how different:
Yeah you act like you don't know what you're missin'
The self-confidence dripping off of these lines is incredible. We all know that guy who thought that every woman he met (waitress, bartender, parole officer, etc.) secretly wanted him. Apparently that guy grew up and became a songwriter.
Every time you end up back with him.
Cause it's safe.
...wait a motherfletching second.
We're 1 minute and 30 seconds into this song. Thus far, we know that you've had multiple liaisons with this young lady, none of which have ended in a committed relationship. We've put up with a minute of cacophonous over-produced noise that basically amounts to a nonsensical sonic booty call. You and your 3 songwriters have provided no evidence this proposed Saturday night fling will be anything more than another round on the carousel of manipulation, use, and rejection that you and your feminine puppet have been riding for however long this has gone on.
Now you're telling me that the lady has a steady partner she runs to when you rip her heart out Aztec style? AND HE IS THE F***ING BAD GUY IN THIS SCENARIO?! IT IS A BAD THING THAT HE'S "SAFE"?!?!!?!
I'll be right back once I'm done throwing up everything I have eaten in the month of July...
And you're scared.
Of you, bro-douche. Of you and your Master's Degree in Musical Sociopathy from Nashville's prestigious Music Row Institute for the Demolition of a Once-Respected Genre.
I'd be scared too.
Of everything you're feelin'
when we're burnin' the midnight down again.
You can't burn midnight down. It is not a place. You can burn your house down. You can burn a city down (not that I'd like to do that to any very specific places right now). You cannot burn down midnight. Not even if you light a clock on fire.
Chorus goes again, but somehow there's only 2 more "new" lines in the last 1 minute and 50 seconds of the song. If that isn't a metaphor for something, I don't know what is.
Every goodbye is bittersweet.
So why should we fight what we both need?
I dunno. Because she's clearly got someone who doesn't cause her emotional trauma? Because short-term impulses need to be controlled for greater long-term good? Because basic impulse control is one of the things that separates humans from less advanced species? Because you've only expressed a want to a person who may or may not actually be interested?
Oh, I forgot. She's a woman in a Florida Georgia Line song. She doesn't actually get input. My bad.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Here. This is a George Jones song about a man who actually loved a woman and did not stop until he died. Here is an aching Hayes Carll tune about a relationship that didn't work out. Here's an up tempo Brooks & Dunn tune that expresses love in a non-douchey manner. Here's Patsy Cline falling to pieces longing for love. Lastly, we have Amy LaVere giving what could be a good response to the song I have reviewed here.
Alternately, catch Florida Georgia Line's new single here. I think it's an improvement.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Andrew Reviews: Trap Queen
"Artist:" Fetty Wap
Chart position at time of writing: 3 (Current Peak)
Video Link: I can't...I just...even the dude singing it doesn't look excited.
Review: Hold on. Before we go any further, I want to point out that there is an ostensibly adult human being who allows other human beings to call him "Fetty Wap." Let's all just stay here for a minute. Just...just let that sink in.
Fetty. Wap.
I looked up what both of those words mean on Urban Dictionary. According to the Internet's leading slang site, it roughly translates to "Money (Fetty) With A Passion (W.A.P. Get it?!)" It's still not intimidating for a dude who's gonna brag about sleeping with other people's girlfriends whilst he peddles drugs. Why not "Dollar Desire" or "Cash Lover" or "Legal Tender Philanderer"? At least 1 of those has to be better than "Fetty Wap." Fetty Wap sounds like what you'd say if you were recovering from a lobotomy performed in a garage. I think I'm done with the name jokes. Lyrics!
Remy Boyz. 1738.
So...Dude's gang/clique/group/knitting circle is named after cognac. For those of you playing Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo at home, you can go ahead and cross off "expensive liquor." Also, I'll only be visiting Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo in the lyrics. If you use the video you'll hit "bingo" before the 1 minute mark, and that's no fun. Using the lyrics, you'll get to at least the minute-and-a-half mark before you hit every negative cliche in 2015's pop-rap mish-mash.
I'm like hey, what's up, hello
If a woman ignores you the first two times you try to get her attention, but responds the third time, it's been my experience that she's probably not wheeling around because she was testing your patience. It is far more likely that she's going to slap and/or taze you. Which would actually make this song much shorter. I wish that had happened...
Seen your pretty ass soon as you came in the door.
Birds fly, fish swim, pop rap objectifies women. Look, if we're gonna use this garbage as a benchmark for flirting and/or rhyming, then anyone who can talk to an attractive woman in complete sentences without trying to sleep with her is some sort of Cassanova/Shakespeare hybrid. Besides which, there's so much more awful here. Sorry to waste your time with this line.
I just wanna chill, got a sack for us to roll.
Alert to the Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo players--you can now check marijuana off the list. It's entirely possible someone will hit bingo before the promised minute and a half mark, sorry about that.
Married to the money
Another chip goes down in Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo.
Introduced her to my stove.
Showed her how to whip it, now she remixin' for low
Look, I'm no expert in drug production as it pertains to relationships, but does this strike anyone else as a bad idea? If Mr. Wap and his Trap Queen break up, couldn't she poison his stuff and murder him? Or murder his customers, thus leading to his murder? I'm just trying to look out for your (almost certainly fake) drug peddling business, man. Keep business and pleasure separate.
(Mr. Wap: If you read this, I am available to be your agent! Call me!)
She my trap queen, let her hit the bando
Bando is, according to Urban Dictionary, an abandoned house, frequently used in the drug trade.
Let's play a game: I want you gentlemen (or ladies) to tell your significant other: "Hey, babe. Tonight, I'm gonna go to the abandoned house downtown to sell some crack. You get to come with me!" Do you think that she/he would consider it to be a privilege?
I'm beginning to think that this song is not about a healthy relationship.
We be countin' up, watch how far them bands go.
Cross "bands" (but not stacks!) off of your Glam Rap Bingo card! I'm getting close, are you?
We just set a goal, talkin' matching Lambos.
Because nothing says "I sell drugs in an abandoned house." like a pair of matching $250,000 Italian sports cars. PICK A DEMOGRAPHIC, MAN. (Also, luxury car space gets filled in Glam Rap Bingo!)
(Muttered numbers) a gram, prob a 100 grams though.
I listened to this at least 10 times with multiple lyric tabs open. None of them agreed on the words, just that this is some sort of bragging about the price of drugs. Math is hard enough for me when it's delivered in plain English.
Man I swear I love it, how she work the damn pole
First off: strippers. Glam Rap Bingo is getting intense!
Second: Fetty is one of those guys who thinks that every waitress, bartender, and stripper likes him, apparently. Or he's dating an exotic dancer. One small problem with that--the next line.
Hit the strip club, we be letting bands go.
Yeah, you're either shifting to another woman, or you've taken your "queen" to her workplace on a date. Again, let's play at home: Imagine a scenario where you take your special friend to their own workplace on a night out. For how many of you does that end well? No one? Cool.
Everybody hatin' we just call 'em fans though.
BINGO! I win, with expensive liquor, luxury cars, drugs, bands, and haters. I hope everyone enjoyed playing, just as much as the obtuse imbecile singing this song enjoys whining about haters while occupying the #3 spot on the charts. Apparently, I matter more than I think I do.
In love with the money, I ain't never letting go.
We're 1 minute in to the song, and we've already managed to repeat the "money" motif 4 times. Zora Neale Hurston died nearly-bankrupt. Just throwing that out there.
And I get high with my baby
Whoa! Save some innovation, man! You can't keep pushing the musical envelope so far! Don't blow all your experimental genre-defying lyrics on one song...you have to pace yourself!
I just left the mall I'm getting fly with my baby. (Yeaaaahhhhh.)
More genius! Tupac Shakwho? Notorious W.H.A.T.? It's all about the Fetty now.
Hop aboard the Fetty train! Its whistle is a missed note that has been autotuned beyond recognition. Speaking of which, how awful is that "yeah" note? It's like having a nail pounded into your ear. With the critical difference that people don't usually get paid money to ram nails into other peoples' ears.
And I can ride with my baby.
Music has come a long way since Chuck Berry, hasn't it? I mean, sure, those lyrics haven't changed much, but that Chuck Berry song is a classic! And this song...exists. Maybe? It's possible a kid slipped some LSD into my coffee at school and this whole song is just a bad acid trip. That's the best possible outcome, really.
I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby
I got excited for a second when I heard this line. I like pie! Unfortunately, it turns out that "pie"is slang for "coke," which is slang for cocaine. I am not sure if I like cocaine, because I cannot afford it.
Do you think the teachers' union would get behind that as a marching slogan? "Pay us more! So we can score! Coke! Coke! Coke!" I like it. Time to write a letter!
...
Sorry for the delay. My suggestion was rejected and I had to serve a month or so of community service since I started writing this post. I'm sure this song has fallen off the charts since then.
Or it's risen to #3. That's cool. Hey, Fetty's about to start rapping! This is gonna be great!
Hit the strip with my trap queen 'cause all we know is bands
Hey, I know I've been in the county jail for a few weeks, followed by some time cleaning North Carolina's fine highway system, but...didn't he mention bands like 6 lines ago? No one in the production crew noticed this? It's alright. There's a limited number of words for "money." It's not like there's a readily available source of synonyms that you can look up free of charge at virtually any time. I wish there was--someone should come up with that.
I might just snatch a Ferrari and buy my boo a Lam
Is the song looping on itself? 9 lines ago he mentioned a certain Italian luxury car maker, and yet here we are. Does anyone else hear this? At the very least, does anyone else understand why I think this may just be a bad trip?
I just might snatch up her necklace, drop a couple on a ring
Correct me if I'm wrong, "snatching" something means to steal it, right? So...you're gonna steal your special lady's necklace? That...does not make sense. It did not make sense when Gregg Allman did it. To buy her (I hope it's her) a ring does not make it any better.
She ain't wantin' for nothin'
Except a necklace.
Because I buy her everything
This is the closest to "love" that this song comes to. Still a pretty shallow, highly materialistic sort of love. But...better than stealing jewelry. Maybe.
Big Zoo Wap in the bando, without dinero can't go
I've got no idea what that first line means or if it's even correct. Nor do I care. "Bando" is mentioned again, though.
Is this a freestyle? Like, those have an excuse to be repetitive, because it's being made up off the top of the head. But if you sit down, write a song, record it, layer it with drum machines, autotune, and synth hooks, and can't be bothered to check and see if the words repeat every 3 lines or so...you have a problem.
Remy Boyz got the stamp, countin' up hella bands though
Too bad our bingo game is over. That probably would have filled up the card. I know the last space on my card was "brag about weaponry." Also, bands again!
How far can your bands go?
Well, Guster's on a tour of the US, while Muse is--oh, you're talking about money. Again. For the 3rd time in the last 3 lines. First place for consistency, dead last for originality. The first one of my students to tell me "Fetty Wap writes good lyrics" is getting thrown out of my classroom window.
There's a few more lines before the chorus, but I can't bring myself to care enough to talk about them. It's more references to Fetty having money. I know, I'm as surprised as you are!
Anyhow, chorus gets burbled again. Autotune does not relent. Song does not improve.
There's like 4 lines added to the second chorus, though, because song structure is for pansies and posers and musicians.
I be smoking dope
That explains a lot.
And you know Backwoods what I roll.
Apparently this is a reference to stuffing empty (and super cheap) Backwoods cigarillos with marijuana. Because Fetty will drop a few million on matching cars, but he's very frugal about his illegal drug consumption. He only buys heroin when it's on sale and he's a cardholder at Bob's Meth Emporium.
Remy Boy Fetty eating s*** up that's fa' sho'
Yes. We're all impressed. This is groundbreaking and absolutely worth bragging about. Just like it's worth wasting however long I've spent writing about it and however long you've spent reading about it. This song is killing all of us.
I'll run in your house, and I'll f*** your hoe.
Well, that's impolite. You've spent 3 minutes talking about how special this lady is (stolen jewelry notwithstanding) and now you're talking about having sex with another woman in the very same song. WHY ARE PEOPLE VOLUNTARILY LISTENING TO THIS?! You are better than this, listening public!
'Cause Remy Boyz or nothin', Re-Re-Remy Boyz or nothin...
I'll take nothing, please.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Not knowing much about rap music, I consulted a coworker who enjoys it for recommendations. He recommended Kendrick Lamar (who I've heard of!) and Joey Bada$$ (who I have not heard of!). Whether you follow these recommendations or not, please follow my last recommendation: stop listening to a man who allows himself to be called "Fetty."
Chart position at time of writing: 3 (Current Peak)
Video Link: I can't...I just...even the dude singing it doesn't look excited.
Review: Hold on. Before we go any further, I want to point out that there is an ostensibly adult human being who allows other human beings to call him "Fetty Wap." Let's all just stay here for a minute. Just...just let that sink in.
Fetty. Wap.
I looked up what both of those words mean on Urban Dictionary. According to the Internet's leading slang site, it roughly translates to "Money (Fetty) With A Passion (W.A.P. Get it?!)" It's still not intimidating for a dude who's gonna brag about sleeping with other people's girlfriends whilst he peddles drugs. Why not "Dollar Desire" or "Cash Lover" or "Legal Tender Philanderer"? At least 1 of those has to be better than "Fetty Wap." Fetty Wap sounds like what you'd say if you were recovering from a lobotomy performed in a garage. I think I'm done with the name jokes. Lyrics!
Remy Boyz. 1738.
So...Dude's gang/clique/group/knitting circle is named after cognac. For those of you playing Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo at home, you can go ahead and cross off "expensive liquor." Also, I'll only be visiting Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo in the lyrics. If you use the video you'll hit "bingo" before the 1 minute mark, and that's no fun. Using the lyrics, you'll get to at least the minute-and-a-half mark before you hit every negative cliche in 2015's pop-rap mish-mash.
I'm like hey, what's up, hello
If a woman ignores you the first two times you try to get her attention, but responds the third time, it's been my experience that she's probably not wheeling around because she was testing your patience. It is far more likely that she's going to slap and/or taze you. Which would actually make this song much shorter. I wish that had happened...
Seen your pretty ass soon as you came in the door.
Birds fly, fish swim, pop rap objectifies women. Look, if we're gonna use this garbage as a benchmark for flirting and/or rhyming, then anyone who can talk to an attractive woman in complete sentences without trying to sleep with her is some sort of Cassanova/Shakespeare hybrid. Besides which, there's so much more awful here. Sorry to waste your time with this line.
I just wanna chill, got a sack for us to roll.
Alert to the Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo players--you can now check marijuana off the list. It's entirely possible someone will hit bingo before the promised minute and a half mark, sorry about that.
Married to the money
Another chip goes down in Predictable Modern Glam Rap Bingo.
Introduced her to my stove.
Showed her how to whip it, now she remixin' for low
Look, I'm no expert in drug production as it pertains to relationships, but does this strike anyone else as a bad idea? If Mr. Wap and his Trap Queen break up, couldn't she poison his stuff and murder him? Or murder his customers, thus leading to his murder? I'm just trying to look out for your (almost certainly fake) drug peddling business, man. Keep business and pleasure separate.
(Mr. Wap: If you read this, I am available to be your agent! Call me!)
She my trap queen, let her hit the bando
Bando is, according to Urban Dictionary, an abandoned house, frequently used in the drug trade.
Let's play a game: I want you gentlemen (or ladies) to tell your significant other: "Hey, babe. Tonight, I'm gonna go to the abandoned house downtown to sell some crack. You get to come with me!" Do you think that she/he would consider it to be a privilege?
I'm beginning to think that this song is not about a healthy relationship.
We be countin' up, watch how far them bands go.
Cross "bands" (but not stacks!) off of your Glam Rap Bingo card! I'm getting close, are you?
We just set a goal, talkin' matching Lambos.
Because nothing says "I sell drugs in an abandoned house." like a pair of matching $250,000 Italian sports cars. PICK A DEMOGRAPHIC, MAN. (Also, luxury car space gets filled in Glam Rap Bingo!)
(Muttered numbers) a gram, prob a 100 grams though.
I listened to this at least 10 times with multiple lyric tabs open. None of them agreed on the words, just that this is some sort of bragging about the price of drugs. Math is hard enough for me when it's delivered in plain English.
Man I swear I love it, how she work the damn pole
First off: strippers. Glam Rap Bingo is getting intense!
Second: Fetty is one of those guys who thinks that every waitress, bartender, and stripper likes him, apparently. Or he's dating an exotic dancer. One small problem with that--the next line.
Hit the strip club, we be letting bands go.
Yeah, you're either shifting to another woman, or you've taken your "queen" to her workplace on a date. Again, let's play at home: Imagine a scenario where you take your special friend to their own workplace on a night out. For how many of you does that end well? No one? Cool.
Everybody hatin' we just call 'em fans though.
BINGO! I win, with expensive liquor, luxury cars, drugs, bands, and haters. I hope everyone enjoyed playing, just as much as the obtuse imbecile singing this song enjoys whining about haters while occupying the #3 spot on the charts. Apparently, I matter more than I think I do.
In love with the money, I ain't never letting go.
We're 1 minute in to the song, and we've already managed to repeat the "money" motif 4 times. Zora Neale Hurston died nearly-bankrupt. Just throwing that out there.
And I get high with my baby
Whoa! Save some innovation, man! You can't keep pushing the musical envelope so far! Don't blow all your experimental genre-defying lyrics on one song...you have to pace yourself!
I just left the mall I'm getting fly with my baby. (Yeaaaahhhhh.)
More genius! Tupac Shakwho? Notorious W.H.A.T.? It's all about the Fetty now.
Hop aboard the Fetty train! Its whistle is a missed note that has been autotuned beyond recognition. Speaking of which, how awful is that "yeah" note? It's like having a nail pounded into your ear. With the critical difference that people don't usually get paid money to ram nails into other peoples' ears.
And I can ride with my baby.
Music has come a long way since Chuck Berry, hasn't it? I mean, sure, those lyrics haven't changed much, but that Chuck Berry song is a classic! And this song...exists. Maybe? It's possible a kid slipped some LSD into my coffee at school and this whole song is just a bad acid trip. That's the best possible outcome, really.
I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby
I got excited for a second when I heard this line. I like pie! Unfortunately, it turns out that "pie"is slang for "coke," which is slang for cocaine. I am not sure if I like cocaine, because I cannot afford it.
Do you think the teachers' union would get behind that as a marching slogan? "Pay us more! So we can score! Coke! Coke! Coke!" I like it. Time to write a letter!
...
Sorry for the delay. My suggestion was rejected and I had to serve a month or so of community service since I started writing this post. I'm sure this song has fallen off the charts since then.
Or it's risen to #3. That's cool. Hey, Fetty's about to start rapping! This is gonna be great!
Hit the strip with my trap queen 'cause all we know is bands
Hey, I know I've been in the county jail for a few weeks, followed by some time cleaning North Carolina's fine highway system, but...didn't he mention bands like 6 lines ago? No one in the production crew noticed this? It's alright. There's a limited number of words for "money." It's not like there's a readily available source of synonyms that you can look up free of charge at virtually any time. I wish there was--someone should come up with that.
I might just snatch a Ferrari and buy my boo a Lam
Is the song looping on itself? 9 lines ago he mentioned a certain Italian luxury car maker, and yet here we are. Does anyone else hear this? At the very least, does anyone else understand why I think this may just be a bad trip?
I just might snatch up her necklace, drop a couple on a ring
Correct me if I'm wrong, "snatching" something means to steal it, right? So...you're gonna steal your special lady's necklace? That...does not make sense. It did not make sense when Gregg Allman did it. To buy her (I hope it's her) a ring does not make it any better.
She ain't wantin' for nothin'
Except a necklace.
Because I buy her everything
This is the closest to "love" that this song comes to. Still a pretty shallow, highly materialistic sort of love. But...better than stealing jewelry. Maybe.
Big Zoo Wap in the bando, without dinero can't go
I've got no idea what that first line means or if it's even correct. Nor do I care. "Bando" is mentioned again, though.
Is this a freestyle? Like, those have an excuse to be repetitive, because it's being made up off the top of the head. But if you sit down, write a song, record it, layer it with drum machines, autotune, and synth hooks, and can't be bothered to check and see if the words repeat every 3 lines or so...you have a problem.
Remy Boyz got the stamp, countin' up hella bands though
Too bad our bingo game is over. That probably would have filled up the card. I know the last space on my card was "brag about weaponry." Also, bands again!
How far can your bands go?
Well, Guster's on a tour of the US, while Muse is--oh, you're talking about money. Again. For the 3rd time in the last 3 lines. First place for consistency, dead last for originality. The first one of my students to tell me "Fetty Wap writes good lyrics" is getting thrown out of my classroom window.
There's a few more lines before the chorus, but I can't bring myself to care enough to talk about them. It's more references to Fetty having money. I know, I'm as surprised as you are!
Anyhow, chorus gets burbled again. Autotune does not relent. Song does not improve.
There's like 4 lines added to the second chorus, though, because song structure is for pansies and posers and musicians.
I be smoking dope
That explains a lot.
And you know Backwoods what I roll.
Apparently this is a reference to stuffing empty (and super cheap) Backwoods cigarillos with marijuana. Because Fetty will drop a few million on matching cars, but he's very frugal about his illegal drug consumption. He only buys heroin when it's on sale and he's a cardholder at Bob's Meth Emporium.
Remy Boy Fetty eating s*** up that's fa' sho'
Yes. We're all impressed. This is groundbreaking and absolutely worth bragging about. Just like it's worth wasting however long I've spent writing about it and however long you've spent reading about it. This song is killing all of us.
I'll run in your house, and I'll f*** your hoe.
Well, that's impolite. You've spent 3 minutes talking about how special this lady is (stolen jewelry notwithstanding) and now you're talking about having sex with another woman in the very same song. WHY ARE PEOPLE VOLUNTARILY LISTENING TO THIS?! You are better than this, listening public!
'Cause Remy Boyz or nothin', Re-Re-Remy Boyz or nothin...
I'll take nothing, please.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Not knowing much about rap music, I consulted a coworker who enjoys it for recommendations. He recommended Kendrick Lamar (who I've heard of!) and Joey Bada$$ (who I have not heard of!). Whether you follow these recommendations or not, please follow my last recommendation: stop listening to a man who allows himself to be called "Fetty."
Friday, October 24, 2014
Top 10 Evaluation: November 1, 2014
So we're gonna try something new here! A we're-not-even-gonna-pretend-it's-regular segment wherein one of us (probably me, Austin's blog ADD has kicked in.) breaks down the quality of that week's Top 10. Well, given Billboard's bizarre schedule, it's actually the future's Top 10. Also, given the dominance of a certain corporation, it's really more their Top 10 than yours.
So, without further ado, here's the songs Clear Channel has decided that you like:
#10. "Don't" by Ed Sheerhan
Look at this face:
So, without further ado, here's the songs Clear Channel has decided that you like:
#10. "Don't" by Ed Sheerhan
Look at this face:
Tell me you don't want to punch that until it is an unrecognizable pulp. And if you don't, then look at it again:
And you keep looking at it until you want to punch it into an unrecognizable pulp.
OK, I'll confess, I shouldn't let a personal desire to kick the crap out of a guy fuel my disgust of the song. I'll let my disgust of the song fuel itself. This is a whiny Livejournal post from 2003 set to music. There are great heartache songs written by spurned men and women from a place of deep anger. This is a guy recounting what happened and recording it on a track that does nothing new or interesting. He does say the f word, though. I guess that's supposed to impress us--it really does nothing for me but add to the whole "pissy high schooler" vibe that the song already has.
#9: "Hot N****" by Bobby Shmurda
Huh. A generic rap song that's gained popularity because of a dance move? Never heard one of those before. If I had heard one of them, I'm sure the artist who performed it is still rich and successful and well-known today. Bobby has a bright future ahead of him.
#8: "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith
This song is the equivalent of listening to a man cry for three and a half minutes. The dude is--wait, I found a never-before-seen picture of Sam Smith:
#7: "Animals" by Maroon 5 (Fair warning, the video is less "sexy" more "utterly terrifying.")
Honestly, I have no issue with most of Maroon 5's stuff. But the goal of this album (or at least the first two singles) seems to be to remind us that Adam Levine can hit high notes. Did you know he can hit high notes? He can hit high notes. Hiiiiiiiiiiigh notes. We get it, Maroon 5. Please go back to making stuff like "Stutter" and "Harder to Breathe" and songs that have guitar parts and music that we can hear over your lead singer's caterwauling.
#6: "Don't Tell 'Em" by Jeremih
I promise you, reader--the following is the actual chorus of this song:
Don't tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
You ain't even,
Don't tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
You ain't even
You ain't even gotta tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
You ain't even
Don't tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
You ain't even
You ain't even gotta tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
Don't tell 'em
How do you make fun of that?! It's unmockable. To steal a line directly from the humor wizards at Penny Arcade, it's like making fun of a clown. What are you going to poke fun at? I'm more concerned with the callousness the music industry exhibited by releasing this song. It's pretty clear Jeremih had a stroke in the studio, and instead of taking him to the hospital, they recorded it and released it as a single.
#5: "Habits (Stay High)" by Tove Lo
The lyrics tell a tale of a woman engaging in rampant self-destructive behavior because her beau left. Great message. Next time, adopt a freaking cat.
#4: "Black Widow" by Iggy Azalea
(Go to the 1:45 mark if you want to hear the song. You fool)
We've already talked about everyone's favorite awful Australian hip-hop starlet. Now here she is with "Bunny Boiling: the Song!" Our last two numbers have been about angry or depressed ladies regarding former relationships. Let's change that with an awful, awful change of pace.
#3: "Bang Bang" by Jessie J
Here we have an example of a common misconception. The ability to sing loud does not mean that you can sing well. Budding pop singers, please take note. Also, as a note to the six motherfletching songwriters, here's a link to the dictionary.com definition for "subtlety." Try using it sometime, OK?!
#2: "Shake it Off" by Taylor Swift
If you play the rap section of this song backwards, you won't hear any secret messages telling you to kill yourself. Which actually means that listening to the song in reverse is better than listening to it forwards, because I can assure you that listening to it "normally" will test your will to live.
#1: "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor
Hey, music-buying public. Couple things here:
1) "Catchy" does not mean "good." Stop confusing the two.
2) The line "I'm bringing booty back" is totally true! (If you're willing to ignore basically every mainstream rap song and multiple country tunes wherein the male singers talk about how much they appreciate a good-sized rear end, that is...)
3) Curvy women are awesome. I agree. So are skinny ladies. Unbelievably, it's possible for people to be attractive regardless of hair color, race, or body type. Quit with the "real women have curves" rhetoric. "Real women" come in all shapes and sizes, regardless of whether or not they have "a little more booty to hold at night." (That is an actual line, honest to goodness.)
4) This isn't doo-wop. Quit classifying it as such. Go listen to the Platters and stop listening to this Möbius strip of a song.
Well, that's it for this week! See you again whenever the Top 10 is rancid enough for me to complain about!
Monday, June 16, 2014
Andrew Reviews: Play it Again
"Artist:" Luke Bryan (featuring no one. Thank the Lord.)
Chart Position at time of writing: 20 (Peak: 14)
This video best viewed with a gun pointed at your speakers: Link.
Before you attempt to defend this song with the usual argument: Read this.
Review: Is it too harsh to say that modern country music has become a flavorless paste hurled into the mouths and ears of the American people by artists who are either clean-cut brown-haired pretty boy punchouts or generic blondes, all of whom are utterly indistinguishable from one another? Yes, it probably is too harsh to say that, but it's closer to the truth than anyone in Nashville would care to admit.
So here we have a generic country song by a generic country singer about generic country things--it got highly favorable reviews from the country press. Let's see if we can find out why! Go, lyrics, go!
She was sittin' all alone over on the tailgate.
True story: I picked this song after one of our final exams. A student was standing over my shoulder and she said "Oh, that song isn't as bad as most country." I'd never heard the tune nor had I read the lyrics, so I challenged her--I asked how long it took for the song to mention trucks, beer, or use the word "girl.*" We then looked up the lyrics. It took us 1 line. Off to a great start.
Furthermore, whose truck is this? Hers? If not, it seems awful rude of this woman to sit on some random stranger's truck, since she "ain't got no" boyfriend. (See below.) In fairness, this song only has two writers, neither of whom are Luke Bryan, so it's possible that everyone just forgot that detail.
Tan legs swingin' by a Georgia plate.
Anyone else having "Cruise" flashbacks? I'm having "Cruise" flashbacks. They're not that bad once you lose your will to keep breathing. Eventually you black out, wake up, and the song is over and all you've lost are a few thousand brain cells and 3 and a half minutes of your life. So it's a lot like listening to the song, but with less brain damage.
I was lookin' for her boyfriend
Thinkin' no way she ain't got one.
I'm really not sure what direction to go with these lines. Are attractive women required to have boyfriends at all times? If they do, are those boyfriends supposed to be with them at all times? Is the context of this song a party? Because the video provides no help at all, it's just a generic video advertising how fun it is to go to a Luke Bryan concert, which seems a bit Triumph of the Will-ish to me.
So, if it's not a party and she's just sitting on the tailgate of a random truck, it's a fair bet that she has no boyfriend. Or he is dead, because she has killed him and used the truck for body disposal. Ideally, this song ends with Luke Bryan being stabbed because he picked up this random girl based on her legs, but (SPOILER!) that is not how the song ends.
Soon as I sat down I was fallin' in love
Well, at least he's committed to being completely shallow. There's nothing wrong with immediate physical attraction. But to say you're "falling in love" from the second you sat down is inaccurate. You may, however, be falling in lust, which requires minimal effort, so it should be right up this song's alley.
Tryin' to put a little sugar in her Dixie cup.
This is either the worst intentional sexual innuendo I have ever read or the best unintentional sexual innuendo I have ever read.
Talkin' over the speakers in the back of that truck
She jumped up and cut me off
While the remainder of the song attempts to bear out the lady's love of the unnamed tune, I have an alternative interpretation of these lines: 30 seconds of shouting with Luke Bryan over whatever mediocre music was playing on the back of the mystery truck was too much for our leggy potential serial killer, so she decided that the next tune that came on the radio would be "her song," just to make him shut up.
She was like, "Oh my God, this is my song
Anyone else feel like they're listening to some frat douche telling the tale of one of his sexual conquests? In case you don't, listen to the song (unpleasant, I know) and pay special attention to the way Mr. Bryan sings that line.
I been listening to the radio all night long
Sittin' 'round waitin' for it to come on, and here it is."
I want to guess what the song is! It's probably some new-wave awful country. But I like to think that it's a wild card. Like the Ludacris classic "Area Codes".
She was like, "Come here boy, I wanna dance."
You know, my serial killer joke is actually much less funny in the context of these lines. I am legitimately afraid for Luke's life if he keeps seeing this woman. She is terrifying.
'Fore I said a word she was takin' my hand.
OK, "dance" and "hand" don't rhyme. Dance and pants, however...
I should be a songwriter.
Spinnin' me round 'til it faded out
And she gave me a kiss.
Forced dancing and a "willing" kiss. This song may be a cry for help. It's entirely possible that "jumped up and cut me off" will take a much darker tone if he dates this woman.
And she said, "Play it again, play it again, play it again."
OK, she has literally no interest in him. She liked the song, she has no hair or eye color, she has had nothing mentioned about her personality at all. This woman is not a woman. She is a prop in the song. Her features through the lyrics of the ENTIRE 4 MINUTE PIECE OF MUSIC can be boiled down to: a) nice legs, b) likes unnamed song. I own t-shirts with more personality than this girl is given by the lyrics.
And I said, "Play it again, play it again, play it again."
Little known fact, Luke Bryan is actually 33% parrot due to a mixup at the factory where they make the boring cardboard cutout country singers. Miranda Lambert is 20% hyena for the same reason.
Fortunately, we have arrived at the second verse. Unfortunately, there is a second verse.
I'd 'a gave that DJ my last dime,
If he woulda played it just one more time
In 2014, it's highly unlikely that a DJ will play the same song twice in a row unless he's trying to get himself fired. However, I think Luke has (unintentionally, of course) stumbled upon the future of music. Since most Top 40 stations have approximately 8 songs in their library at any given time, and since that number is declining by the day it seems, it's entirely possible that by 2020, all stations will just play the same tune over and over again. "My song" will be everyone else's song too. Which is just what President Cyrus will want.
But a little while later we were sitting in the drive in my truck.
Unrelated to the last lines, but it does further the mystery of the original truck. Because here, Luke describes the truck they're in as "my truck." But the truck at the end of the first verse was "that truck." So was the original truck where the song played hers?
Because now they're in his truck, which means we must assume that the other truck is sitting in the field, no doubt being dusted for prints by the GBI, since they found a body nearby. The corpse appeared to have been beaten to death with a can of Bud Lite and a copy of Ludacris's Word of Mouf was found in the vicinity. Investigators suspect the victim's ex-girlfriend of the killing and urge any pretty boy country singers with jacked up trucks and minimal brain activity to stay indoors, away from windows and forced dances.
'Fore I walked her to the door, I was scannin' like a fool
AM, FM, XM, too.
All this technology and neither one of you thinks to download the song on your phone and plug it into the speakers with an audio jack? Or stop by a Wal-Mart and buy the CD? Or call a station and request the song? Wouldn't that have been a more romantic gesture than randomly searching for a song on a medium you can't control? I know radio's pretty predictable (let's face it, this girl's "song" is a Top 40 hit that will be forgotten about in a week, just like her ex-boyfriend) but it's not that predictable.
But I stopped real quick when I heard that groove.
"Groove" eliminates most genres from our "What effing song is he talking about?" competition. No one describes any modern music as "groove" anymore. This leads me to conclude that her song is none other than the "Theme from Shaft" which is a remarkably good choice for someone who appears to be willingly locking lips with Luke Bryan.
Man you should have seen her light up.
Faint hope, but what are the odds this line has a double meaning and the mystery song is Afroman's "Because I Got High"?
The chorus loops through again. Apparently the girl can't believe that the song came back on, despite pop & country radio having a near-miraculous propensity for repeating the same songs 50 times a day. They also dance in the headlights of Luke's truck. Any chance he left the thing in drive and it crushed both of them?
No? Fine, let's go to the bridgey-thingy.
The next Friday night we were sitting out under the stars
Away from all potential witnesses, no doubt.
You should have seen her smile,
when I broke out my guitar.
If the video is to be believed, Luke does not play his own guitar, but he instead brought along some other dark haired dude to play guitar for him. No shame in that. One of my best friends once offered to follow me around on dates, hide in a bush and pop out with his acoustic guitar while playing Sixpence None the Richer's hit "Kiss Me." We never actually did that, mostly because it would have probably led to me getting slapped, Maced, or slap-Maced. One can only hope one of those things happens to Luke Bryan.
The repetitive chorus repeats again, making these last lines even more problematic. We're left to assume that my entire last paragraph is absurdist nonsense and that Luke brought his own guitar. So how the heck are they going to dance to a song that he's playing? What song is it? Whose truck was that at the beginning? Will this woman's reign of terror ever be stopped?
None of these questions are answered, but the song is over. We'll call that an even trade.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Well, let's see. The song is simultaneously boring and painful, but there's a lot of options here: David Allan Coe's "You Never Even Called Me By My Name" is a wonderful sendup of all the useless stereotypes of country music. Patsy Cline's "Crazy" was penned by Willie Nelson and is actually worth a twirl on the back of a pickup. If you'd like something more modern but not so stereotypical, I highly recommend Hayes Carll. "Grand Parade" is a good example: it's a love song like this one that somehow manages to be sweeter, sound different than everything else, and it doesn't mention a truck. Here's a song mocking country's massive love of trucks. Alternately, if you liked this song and hated my review, just turn on country radio. There's probably a good-looking brown haired guy or blonde girl singing a song you'd just love.
*--Explanation here.
Chart Position at time of writing: 20 (Peak: 14)
This video best viewed with a gun pointed at your speakers: Link.
Before you attempt to defend this song with the usual argument: Read this.
Review: Is it too harsh to say that modern country music has become a flavorless paste hurled into the mouths and ears of the American people by artists who are either clean-cut brown-haired pretty boy punchouts or generic blondes, all of whom are utterly indistinguishable from one another? Yes, it probably is too harsh to say that, but it's closer to the truth than anyone in Nashville would care to admit.
So here we have a generic country song by a generic country singer about generic country things--it got highly favorable reviews from the country press. Let's see if we can find out why! Go, lyrics, go!
She was sittin' all alone over on the tailgate.
True story: I picked this song after one of our final exams. A student was standing over my shoulder and she said "Oh, that song isn't as bad as most country." I'd never heard the tune nor had I read the lyrics, so I challenged her--I asked how long it took for the song to mention trucks, beer, or use the word "girl.*" We then looked up the lyrics. It took us 1 line. Off to a great start.
Furthermore, whose truck is this? Hers? If not, it seems awful rude of this woman to sit on some random stranger's truck, since she "ain't got no" boyfriend. (See below.) In fairness, this song only has two writers, neither of whom are Luke Bryan, so it's possible that everyone just forgot that detail.
Tan legs swingin' by a Georgia plate.
Anyone else having "Cruise" flashbacks? I'm having "Cruise" flashbacks. They're not that bad once you lose your will to keep breathing. Eventually you black out, wake up, and the song is over and all you've lost are a few thousand brain cells and 3 and a half minutes of your life. So it's a lot like listening to the song, but with less brain damage.
I was lookin' for her boyfriend
Thinkin' no way she ain't got one.
I'm really not sure what direction to go with these lines. Are attractive women required to have boyfriends at all times? If they do, are those boyfriends supposed to be with them at all times? Is the context of this song a party? Because the video provides no help at all, it's just a generic video advertising how fun it is to go to a Luke Bryan concert, which seems a bit Triumph of the Will-ish to me.
So, if it's not a party and she's just sitting on the tailgate of a random truck, it's a fair bet that she has no boyfriend. Or he is dead, because she has killed him and used the truck for body disposal. Ideally, this song ends with Luke Bryan being stabbed because he picked up this random girl based on her legs, but (SPOILER!) that is not how the song ends.
Soon as I sat down I was fallin' in love
Well, at least he's committed to being completely shallow. There's nothing wrong with immediate physical attraction. But to say you're "falling in love" from the second you sat down is inaccurate. You may, however, be falling in lust, which requires minimal effort, so it should be right up this song's alley.
Tryin' to put a little sugar in her Dixie cup.
This is either the worst intentional sexual innuendo I have ever read or the best unintentional sexual innuendo I have ever read.
Talkin' over the speakers in the back of that truck
She jumped up and cut me off
While the remainder of the song attempts to bear out the lady's love of the unnamed tune, I have an alternative interpretation of these lines: 30 seconds of shouting with Luke Bryan over whatever mediocre music was playing on the back of the mystery truck was too much for our leggy potential serial killer, so she decided that the next tune that came on the radio would be "her song," just to make him shut up.
She was like, "Oh my God, this is my song
Anyone else feel like they're listening to some frat douche telling the tale of one of his sexual conquests? In case you don't, listen to the song (unpleasant, I know) and pay special attention to the way Mr. Bryan sings that line.
I been listening to the radio all night long
Sittin' 'round waitin' for it to come on, and here it is."
I want to guess what the song is! It's probably some new-wave awful country. But I like to think that it's a wild card. Like the Ludacris classic "Area Codes".
She was like, "Come here boy, I wanna dance."
You know, my serial killer joke is actually much less funny in the context of these lines. I am legitimately afraid for Luke's life if he keeps seeing this woman. She is terrifying.
'Fore I said a word she was takin' my hand.
OK, "dance" and "hand" don't rhyme. Dance and pants, however...
I should be a songwriter.
Spinnin' me round 'til it faded out
And she gave me a kiss.
Forced dancing and a "willing" kiss. This song may be a cry for help. It's entirely possible that "jumped up and cut me off" will take a much darker tone if he dates this woman.
And she said, "Play it again, play it again, play it again."
OK, she has literally no interest in him. She liked the song, she has no hair or eye color, she has had nothing mentioned about her personality at all. This woman is not a woman. She is a prop in the song. Her features through the lyrics of the ENTIRE 4 MINUTE PIECE OF MUSIC can be boiled down to: a) nice legs, b) likes unnamed song. I own t-shirts with more personality than this girl is given by the lyrics.
And I said, "Play it again, play it again, play it again."
Little known fact, Luke Bryan is actually 33% parrot due to a mixup at the factory where they make the boring cardboard cutout country singers. Miranda Lambert is 20% hyena for the same reason.
Fortunately, we have arrived at the second verse. Unfortunately, there is a second verse.
I'd 'a gave that DJ my last dime,
If he woulda played it just one more time
In 2014, it's highly unlikely that a DJ will play the same song twice in a row unless he's trying to get himself fired. However, I think Luke has (unintentionally, of course) stumbled upon the future of music. Since most Top 40 stations have approximately 8 songs in their library at any given time, and since that number is declining by the day it seems, it's entirely possible that by 2020, all stations will just play the same tune over and over again. "My song" will be everyone else's song too. Which is just what President Cyrus will want.
But a little while later we were sitting in the drive in my truck.
Unrelated to the last lines, but it does further the mystery of the original truck. Because here, Luke describes the truck they're in as "my truck." But the truck at the end of the first verse was "that truck." So was the original truck where the song played hers?
Because now they're in his truck, which means we must assume that the other truck is sitting in the field, no doubt being dusted for prints by the GBI, since they found a body nearby. The corpse appeared to have been beaten to death with a can of Bud Lite and a copy of Ludacris's Word of Mouf was found in the vicinity. Investigators suspect the victim's ex-girlfriend of the killing and urge any pretty boy country singers with jacked up trucks and minimal brain activity to stay indoors, away from windows and forced dances.
'Fore I walked her to the door, I was scannin' like a fool
AM, FM, XM, too.
All this technology and neither one of you thinks to download the song on your phone and plug it into the speakers with an audio jack? Or stop by a Wal-Mart and buy the CD? Or call a station and request the song? Wouldn't that have been a more romantic gesture than randomly searching for a song on a medium you can't control? I know radio's pretty predictable (let's face it, this girl's "song" is a Top 40 hit that will be forgotten about in a week, just like her ex-boyfriend) but it's not that predictable.
But I stopped real quick when I heard that groove.
"Groove" eliminates most genres from our "What effing song is he talking about?" competition. No one describes any modern music as "groove" anymore. This leads me to conclude that her song is none other than the "Theme from Shaft" which is a remarkably good choice for someone who appears to be willingly locking lips with Luke Bryan.
Man you should have seen her light up.
Faint hope, but what are the odds this line has a double meaning and the mystery song is Afroman's "Because I Got High"?
The chorus loops through again. Apparently the girl can't believe that the song came back on, despite pop & country radio having a near-miraculous propensity for repeating the same songs 50 times a day. They also dance in the headlights of Luke's truck. Any chance he left the thing in drive and it crushed both of them?
No? Fine, let's go to the bridgey-thingy.
The next Friday night we were sitting out under the stars
Away from all potential witnesses, no doubt.
You should have seen her smile,
when I broke out my guitar.
If the video is to be believed, Luke does not play his own guitar, but he instead brought along some other dark haired dude to play guitar for him. No shame in that. One of my best friends once offered to follow me around on dates, hide in a bush and pop out with his acoustic guitar while playing Sixpence None the Richer's hit "Kiss Me." We never actually did that, mostly because it would have probably led to me getting slapped, Maced, or slap-Maced. One can only hope one of those things happens to Luke Bryan.
The repetitive chorus repeats again, making these last lines even more problematic. We're left to assume that my entire last paragraph is absurdist nonsense and that Luke brought his own guitar. So how the heck are they going to dance to a song that he's playing? What song is it? Whose truck was that at the beginning? Will this woman's reign of terror ever be stopped?
None of these questions are answered, but the song is over. We'll call that an even trade.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Well, let's see. The song is simultaneously boring and painful, but there's a lot of options here: David Allan Coe's "You Never Even Called Me By My Name" is a wonderful sendup of all the useless stereotypes of country music. Patsy Cline's "Crazy" was penned by Willie Nelson and is actually worth a twirl on the back of a pickup. If you'd like something more modern but not so stereotypical, I highly recommend Hayes Carll. "Grand Parade" is a good example: it's a love song like this one that somehow manages to be sweeter, sound different than everything else, and it doesn't mention a truck. Here's a song mocking country's massive love of trucks. Alternately, if you liked this song and hated my review, just turn on country radio. There's probably a good-looking brown haired guy or blonde girl singing a song you'd just love.
*--Explanation here.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Andrew's Country Credentials
Link that explains the post below, in case you don't want to read the whole thing or if you already know my credentials to review country music: You really should watch this.
Credentials: I normally don't do this, but I feel the need to explain something here. See, the self-appointed defenders of country music usually dismiss criticism of their preferred genre by saying that the critic "doesn't get it" or isn't the sort of person who country music is "for." To that end, lemme explain why I'm "allowed" to criticize country, so that accusation cannot be leveled at the country posts. There are a few reasons:
1.) I have Internet access and functioning ears. That really should be enough, but since it isn't...
2.) I had a country phase. It lasted through most of high school and into my sophomore year of college. I own all of Brooks & Dunn's albums except Cowboy Town, because Cowboy Town was 2 things: a) their last album and b) terrible. I listened to country radio with glee and dug into country's roots. Thanks to Dad's knowledge of country's history, I was able to dig into the Outlaw Movement, listening to the likes of Cash, Nelson, Coe, and Jennings (No links to those names provided, but if you only recognize them from Jason Aldean songs, you're doing country wrong.). I've listened to Red Headed Stranger cover to cover multiple times. I've lived in the South all my life and the rural South most of my life. I know how to drive a stick shift and a tractor. I know how to properly hunt, fish, and farm. I am a heterosexual Christian white male North Carolinian in his mid/late 20s. Modern country music is supposed to hit my demographic as squarely as it possibly can.
3. Sorta revisiting point 2 here, but knowledge of country's past is the reason my country phase ended. I came to realize that everything I was listening to sounded the same. Now, country music has always had some go-to song topics: drinking, cheating, etc. But somewhere, somehow, the concept of saying things tactfully went out the window, and country songs all began to sound the same. I know that the sound of a genre fluctuates, and 2014 country shouldn't sound exactly like 1974 country. That said, country songs should sound more like this and less like this.
But, hey, maybe you're still into country and you're OK with the way it sounds. That's cool, music is almost entirely subjective. Take this post as the ignorant hate speech that it is--it might make you laugh at least.
So now that you've read this, you should check out the review of Luke Bryan's craptastic "Play it Again." Because...goodness it's awful.
Credentials: I normally don't do this, but I feel the need to explain something here. See, the self-appointed defenders of country music usually dismiss criticism of their preferred genre by saying that the critic "doesn't get it" or isn't the sort of person who country music is "for." To that end, lemme explain why I'm "allowed" to criticize country, so that accusation cannot be leveled at the country posts. There are a few reasons:
1.) I have Internet access and functioning ears. That really should be enough, but since it isn't...
2.) I had a country phase. It lasted through most of high school and into my sophomore year of college. I own all of Brooks & Dunn's albums except Cowboy Town, because Cowboy Town was 2 things: a) their last album and b) terrible. I listened to country radio with glee and dug into country's roots. Thanks to Dad's knowledge of country's history, I was able to dig into the Outlaw Movement, listening to the likes of Cash, Nelson, Coe, and Jennings (No links to those names provided, but if you only recognize them from Jason Aldean songs, you're doing country wrong.). I've listened to Red Headed Stranger cover to cover multiple times. I've lived in the South all my life and the rural South most of my life. I know how to drive a stick shift and a tractor. I know how to properly hunt, fish, and farm. I am a heterosexual Christian white male North Carolinian in his mid/late 20s. Modern country music is supposed to hit my demographic as squarely as it possibly can.
3. Sorta revisiting point 2 here, but knowledge of country's past is the reason my country phase ended. I came to realize that everything I was listening to sounded the same. Now, country music has always had some go-to song topics: drinking, cheating, etc. But somewhere, somehow, the concept of saying things tactfully went out the window, and country songs all began to sound the same. I know that the sound of a genre fluctuates, and 2014 country shouldn't sound exactly like 1974 country. That said, country songs should sound more like this and less like this.
But, hey, maybe you're still into country and you're OK with the way it sounds. That's cool, music is almost entirely subjective. Take this post as the ignorant hate speech that it is--it might make you laugh at least.
So now that you've read this, you should check out the review of Luke Bryan's craptastic "Play it Again." Because...goodness it's awful.
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