Austin Reviews: We Can't Stop

"Artist (And I use that in the loosest way possible):" Miley Cyrus
Chart Position at time of writing: ...2. (Peaked at...2... still at 2...)
Well, I guess "suck" just runs in the family: Bink!

First warning: That music video is like watching a bad acid trip.

Second warning: This song is atrocious. It is bad, pointless, repetitive, lazy, and all-around stupid. It is a mix of ripoffs of Pink, Rhianna and Madonna. The video is Miley Cyrus trying to be attractive, swaying her stolen haircut and trying to simulate moves from a stolen music video, and not doing it right. The tone she uses in the song is eerily similar to something I've heard before. This is a train wreck, a true showing of the catastrophe that fame can create. Don't give me that "we all have that 'bad girl' phase" crap either. Hannah Montana has been doing this bullwrench for way too long.

It is appalling to see this song get so high on the charts. Just... why?! Who is it intended for? What audience? Who is listening to this and thinking it's great?

I'll try to answer that question--try--when we look at the words.

Sigh... hook, then. That's where we start.

It's our party we can do what we want (no drama)

Shut up.
It's our party we can say what we want (Mike Will Made)

Mike Will Made is a producer who has the dumbest producing name imaginable. That's it. No secret.
It's our party we can love who we want

...No, seriously. Shut up.
We can kiss who we want

You're engaged, Miley.
We can sing what we want

And yet, you chose to sing this...

This alone makes me wonder, is there truly any creativity left in the world? You know what the worst part is? This repeats. Yep. It happens twice. In a row. 

First of all, this grinds the nails on the chalkboard of my brain because eight people wrote this slop. It took eight mindless, soul-stealing idiots to come up with that. 

A horny fourth grader could come up with what you see above. 

Second, I think this breaks Nicki Minaj's record of the most times the same word is rhymed with itself. "want" is said at the end of five stanzas. Twice. So I guess ten times, if you want to get technical about it.

Jeez, we're not even to the first verse and my blood pressure is through the roof because of this garbage.

Red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere

Yep, that's what a party typically consists of. I would put on bonus points for ripping off "Red Solo Cup," but I'm not actually sure if that actually happens.
Hands in the air like we don't care

Hey, look! A song consisting with what is undoubtedly the least inspired lyrics EVER.

I mean, good lord, she borrows words from one of her own songs! I thought that was some stupid crap that only rappers did when they felt the need to mention their name in every song they do. Whoops! Ya sure showed me! Please, enlighten me more with this clever writing.

'Cause we came to have so much fun now

'Ey mon! Let's break out da' coconuts and da' rum now, mon!

Bet somebody here might get some now

Oh, you mean sex? Yeah, that happens at parties, too. I swear, if one more part of this song has words rhyming with the same word... I'll probably write the rest of this blog in green.

Remember when this chick was supposed to be a role model? Haha, ooohhh Disney...

If you're not ready to go home
Can I get a "Hell, no!"? (Hell no)

That's my reaction every time I hear this or Cruise. You know? Typically I would be mad at an awful slant-rhyming attempt. Now I'm kind of happy to hear something that doesn't rhyme with itself.

'Cause we're gonna go all night
'Til we see the sunlight, alright

Woah! Twice in a row! Careful now, eight writers, if you actually make intelligible lyrics too much you'll be considered one of those "hippie squares."

So la da di da di

Made up nonsense syllables to make up for the lack of creativity. Always a good sign of things to come.
We like to party

Oohhh, we know you do.

Dancing with Molly

Ecstasy. Molly = Ecstasy. She called the public an "idiot" for not figuring this out.

Good hint, Miley, thanks.

You know, usually I would rant about this here, but... I'll save it for another day. Look forward to that.

Doing whatever we want

The structure of this song is so all over the place I'm surprised that this doesn't count as a separate part. It is still technically verse 1, somehow, even though she changes the feel of the lyrics about four times.

This is our house

How many people are you talking about? Maybe they can pay for the property damage and the bleeding ears this song will cause.

This is our rules

"Partying" is not a rule, it is a recreational activity of cutting loose. There are no rules to party. DON'T SAY THERE ARE RULES TO PARTY, YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

...Oh. At least the song's title makes sense.

And chorus... yay.

And we can't stop
And we won't stop

...Dammit.
Can't you see it's we who own the night?
Can't you see it's we who 'bout that life?

The chorus of a song is supposed to be the catchiest part. The part that gets stuck in your head. It's why "Thrift Shop" and--ugh--"Umbrella" are so popular. It gets in your head and you find yourself singing it three weeks later.

Also, another important detail, choruses are supposed to be intelligible. I almost can't understand a single word Miley Cyrus is "singing" here. I mean, come on, even In Flames has an eligible chorus in their song that's most well known! (Thanks Guitar Hero!) It sounds like she had a stroke in the middle of the song and just decided to wing it with one half of her face and flap the other half like she's a penguin trying to strip tease. (It would explain that obnoxious "beat" in the background)

And we can't stop
And we won't stop

Really? I must have missed that the first time you slurred it.
We run things, things don't run we

...I keep having to tell myself it could be worse. Just not by much.
Don't take nothing from nobody

Along with the illegal drugs, leaked nude photos, constant partying and drinking... yeah, good work Miley. You can't add theft to that list.

Yet.

Okay, okay, all joking aside, this is just a thuggy way of saying that we ain't gonna take nuffin' from da' man, holmes. You probably already knew that.

Yeah, yeah

I can't hate putting "yeah's" in a song. Fine. You get 0.00001th of a point, eight writers.

That stupid, boring pretentious hook repeats, if you're wondering. I refuse to write it or even look at it again, so we'll go to the second verse, I guess. At least, I'm assuming it's the second verse.

To my home girls here with the big butt

Off to a riveting start.
Shaking it like we at a strip club

This chick used to be the cream of the crop on the Disney channel. You know, that one specifically designed for kids. With cartoons and silly shows? Now she's singing about this crap?

(The funny has been turned off. Skip this if you want)

What the hell is wrong with this picture, I wonder? Selena Gomez is basically doing the same thing (even though I don't mind, honestly) and this used to be Hannah Montana. A stupid, stupid show, but still, it had a few good moments and a lot of good morals... erm, so I heard.... This is the same person. She rips people off, is basically a humongous a-hole to everyone, does stupid crap for attention, and she made this, this example of what is wrong with the music scene today, put along with a video that still makes no sense, and she gets more famous because of it?!

Stop! Stop treating people like her like they are royalty! Sure, I'll brand myself a "hater," but a hater with logic. No, I did not make her famous, no, I did not buy her music, and no, I do not like her. But if someone treated me like the way she treats the whole world, I wouldn't glorify them. I'd give them a piece of my mind.

(We're good now.)

Okay, back to the atrocious music.

Remember only God can judge ya

And he'd probably be pretty disappointed in what he saw if he watched this music video.
Forget the haters 'cause somebody loves ya

Hm, that's weird. I do imagine poppin' yo booty like your a stripper would make a lot of people love you. And your shapely orb at the same time!
And everyone in line in the bathroom
Trying to get a line in the bathroom

Where's the CIA when you need them? I need a major brainscan to forget that I just heard those lines. I mean, did everyone suddenly have to pee at once or something? God knows that's all girls use bathrooms for... (Older brother's interjection: Drugs, Austin. "A line" in the second...heh...line no longer refers to a group of people, she's talking about a line. Of cocaine or heroin, etc. Don't do those drugs or you'll start writing crap like this.)

(Younger brother's counter-interjection: I know what she was talking about. It's why I added in the last sentence about the bathroom. I mean, but sure, good job, knife-stabbing the joke with that one. Why not just punch me in the testicles next time and tell me Santa isn't real? Jeez, man, JEEZ.) 
We all so turned up here
Getting turned up, yeah, yeah

Oh, how clever. She means "hot." Hahahaha. Not on your life, sport.

The stupid bull crap about Molly's, the chorus, and a slightly modified hook (they add the word "to" at the end of each stanza, give the same rhyming words some variety) is repeated. Throw in some "yeah's" for good measure, and we've reached the end of the song.

Thank. God. Question time:

So, what went wrong? Everything. There is no direction in this song at all. There is no consistent flow of the lyrics since they're changing style every 10 seconds. In some songs, this works pretty well. In this one, it's bad. Actually, everything is bad. There are nonsense syllables, absolutely pointless lyrics, no driving direction for this to go in, and absolutely zero redeeming qualities of this slop. It is a true testament that eight people could come up with something this bad on every level imaginable.

Who is this song intended for? I still don't know. I listened to it twice (without that awful music video. Have I driven the point home yet?) and never figured out who this was meant for. This isn't a song you would typically hear on the radio... then again, neither is "Party Rock Anthem" but no one shut up about that for half a year either. This isn't house music, nor is it really hip-hop or R&B. I didn't look up the label, but I'm just gonna say it's a weird baby produced off of a threesome gone wrong with these genres. 

This song is bad and the people who made it should feel bad. And yet, it is number 2 on the Hot 100.

This is why I hate Billboard.

I'm aware Miley Cyrus wants to break out of the Disney girl phase, and okay, whatever. But her trying to be a "bad girl" just comes off as extremely weird and creepy. That inane music video, this stupid song, all the trouble she keeps getting in on purpose... God, all she needs to do now is beat a homeless man with a severed dog leg and her life will be made. 

This song is a lazy, poorly structured cash-in, and of course it will make millions. I hope to God it doesn't win anything, but if it does then I'll just give up and shove so much food down my gullet I can't move. At least I can keep myself away from the people who made this famous in that case.

Alternative listening: Sigh... it's hard to say with this one. If you want to have a song that sorta has the same pattern but is executed better, do the artist who doesn't rip people off. (But is still kinda dumb.) If you want Miley Cyrus that is a few shades of not-as-bad-but-still-pretty-atrocious, here, take it. If you want something that is at least good, pop in a Beatles CD or just listen to the sound of silence. 

There is a lot of music that is just as bad as this but still gets noticed. Miley Cyrus just happened to fall under a set of circumstances including being sick in the head and having a popular song that is popular at this time. It's not her fault that--

Okay, it sort of is her fault this is such a travesty. But we can't only blame her, to be fair. Still, the verdict:

1/10: A Chinese water torture session set to the sound of whales mating