Andrew Reviews: Best Song Ever

"Artist:" One Direction
Chart Position at time of writing: 15 (Peak: Are you kidding me?! 2?! This song hit #2?!)
Link to the idiotic music video: Here
Link that actually gets you to the song without two-and-a-half minutes of time-wasting nonsense that someone mistook as humor: Here.

Review: Yeah, I know. I can hear the sarcasm now: "A male hating One Direction!? Oh, will wonders never cease? Next you'll tell me that you don't like Justin Bieber or the Backstreet Boys!"

In response: Bite me. Yeah, Bieber sucks, but I'll ignore him. The Backstreet Boys could harmonize, and you know what? I didn't hate One Direction's first song, "What Makes You Beautiful." It was a harmless, endlessly catchy pop song that has a nasty habit of burying itself into a person's cerebral cortex for weeks at a time. Its music video also didn't feature over two minutes of insulting, unfunny filler. (No, I won't be letting that one go.)

Any hoo, I didn't hate that song, and I didn't bother listening to their other stuff, figuring that these guys would be joining the ranks of every boy band that isn't N*Sync, the Backstreet Boys, or New Kids on the Block. (Please tell me what long-lasting boy bands I missed in the comments!)

Then this happened. I've already wasted enough of your time rambling about boy bands, and I will not turn this blog post into a text-based replica of the idiotic music video. To the lyrics!

Maybe it's the way she walked 
straight into my heart and stole it.

Inoffensive boy band lyrics. I can't really complain here. I can, however, point out that the intro to this song sounds a lot like The Who's "Baba O'Riley." Oh, sorry, that's the song that people who hate music think is called "Teenage Wasteland." Don't hang out with those people.

Back to the modern dreck: I'm not the only person who thought the song sounded like "Baba O'Riley" Now, there's nothing wrong with sampling music, but to deny it (see MTV link in previous sentence) and use the sample in a song that's nowhere near as good...that's a problem. Let's carry on.

Through the doors and past the guards,
just like she already owned it.

Well, at least we've completely abandoned the "Baba O'Riley" theme now. But...can we have it back? My teeth are starting to hurt from the sugary lyrics. Also, whose heart has multiple guards? Most people rely on themselves to guard their heart. Perhaps the 1D guys were referring to their legions of fans who will f***ing murder anyone who touches them, WE SWEAR! Ahem. I mean, they swear. Uh...let's roll on...

I said, "Can you give it back to me?"
She said, "Never in your wildest dreams."

Yep. That sounds like a healthy relationship. No way this will end poorly.

And we danced all night to the best song ever.

I am in no way, shape, or form a dancing expert. Or a dancing novice. Or a dancer at all. But...don't you think the DJ would be fired from a club if he played the same song over and over again all night? Or, if this isn't a radio station/club, don't you think one or the other of these idiots would say "Hey, ya think we should change songs?"

Look, I love some songs so much that I can hear them 2-3 times in a row. But after 6 minutes of "Lonely Boy" it's time to switch songs--probably even artists. This is a dumb, dumb stupid line. There, I said it.

We knew every line. Now I can't remember
How it goes but I know that I won't forget her
'Cause we danced all night to the best song ever.

It's the best song ever but you can't remember the lines? After listening to it all night? Perhaps it's because I was raised listening to music (nearly all of which didn't suck*), but I can remember the lyrics to most songs that I've heard more than twice. I've had students who can barely spell their own names, but who can recite the lyrics to their favorite tunes like it's nothing. And here you are, you little English-Irish jerk, telling me that you can't remember any of the dang words to "the best song ever?!"

As a side note, that "English-Irish" bit in the line above this one was not my idea of a joke. Wikipedia actually describes the band as such. Apparently 4 of 'em are English, 1 is Irish. It doesn't matter, really. The English and Irish have had their crap patched up for a while now, and making jokes about that would be tasteless. Much like English food and Irish women.

Lastly, didn't Tenacious D already do "the best song ever but we can't remember it any more" joke? And wasn't theirs funnier?

I think it went oh, oh, oh
I think it went yeah, yeah, yeah
I think it goes oh

If anything makes me madder than stupid lyrics, it's lyrics that don't say/mean anything. Like these. This is filler. The songwriters (there are 4 on this one) couldn't be bothered with fake lyrics? Or more plagiarism of The Who? Maybe they could have said that the song went "Ob-la-di, ob-la-da," since that is the most awful thing the Beatles recorded and I wouldn't care if One Direction ripped that song off because it's so saccharine and terrible that it justifies The Beatles breaking up.

OK, OK, one British pop band at a time. We have some really awful lyrics coming up here.

Said her name was Georgia Rose,
and her daddy was a dentist.

I...I'm not sure where this is going. Is the next line going to be about the financial security brought from marrying into the medical field?

Said I had a dirty mouth
(I got a dirty mouth)
but she kissed me like she meant it.

Oh, so the dentist line was to set up a line about...about the girl kissing your dirty mouth? I'm going to try to break this down, but it's a fool's errand. I know I'm going to fail. Feel free to skip to the next section of lyrics.

OK, for those of you still with me--WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! There are two possible meanings to the phrase "dirty mouth," and neither one makes sense here. Definition one involves profanity. We know that's not this one, because I'm not sure any of these guys know what swear words are. If you told them to curse, they'd be like kindergarteners with Tourette's--they'd shout "POOP!" and "FART!" in high-pitched tones for 5 minutes and take a nap and we'd laugh because it's adorable. But these guys don't have that kind of "dirty mouth."

Which leaves us with definition number two: they just have filthy mouths, physically. And this chick is really into plaque and the feel of her tongue brushing against uneven English rows of unclean English teeth because she kissed the dude like she meant he had a dirty mouth. Sadly, this picture right here lays that theory to rest. Those are the 5 cleanest, straightest sets of teeth in the entirety of the British Isles. So this set of lines makes no dang sense.

I said, "Can I take you home with me?"
She said, "Never in your wildest dreams."

So she's into dirty mouths and making out with guys she just met, but not down for a trip home. I'm conflicted. On the one hand, good to see someone telling kids not to just give it away. On the other hand, they're doing a dang poor job of it, since most One Direction fans would scream and faint at the chance to be "taken home" by one of these five pretty boys. Fine, we'll call it a wash and move on. The song is close to over.

There's another repeat of the (awful) chorus, but I've already used my jokes about that one. Now, let's see a fill that says almost nothing!

You know, I know, you know I'll remember you,
And I know, you know, I know you'll remember me,

That is 19 words to say "I'll remember you, you'll remember me." Heck, man, it took Sarah McLachlan 8 words to say the same thing! In One Direction's favor, this song is much less likely to be used in a humane society commercial. Though that would be equal parts awful and hilarious.

And you know, I know, you know I'll remember you,
And I know, you know, I hope you'll remember how we danced,
how we danced

Well, you danced all night. To "the best song ever" that you can't freaking remember. That was easy. If she has 3 firing brain cells she can come up with that one.

After that there's some counting and a repeat of the chorus one too many times. But that's it. 3 minutes and 18 seconds to say "I danced with and made out with a girl this one time. I liked the song, I liked her, and I never saw her again." It took me 7.2 seconds to say that quoted part aloud. You should time yourself saying it to figure out how much of your life One Direction wasted with this song!

*--Except Rush. Rush sucks. If Rush sucked any harder they'd open up a motherfletching black hole in Canada and cause the rest of the world to collapse upon itself. Or it'd open a gateway to a negative dimension where terrible music is perceived as good. Actually, that might explain Nickelback, Avril Lavigne, Drake, and Justin Bieber being Canadian. Rush sucks.+

+--Niel Peart is a great drummer, though.

Recommended Alternative Listening: For a man of my age, this one's easy. I lived through the height of the boy band era: try some Backstreet Boys (lyrically meaningless but at least trying for depth), or N*Sync singing about a breakup. Or try the one of original pop/rock boy bands: some early Beatles or The Monkees. If you only liked the first 20 seconds of this song, try the original on for size! If you insist on One Direction, listen to "What Makes You Beautiful". There's a link to it up there somewhere. I'm getting ads for Tiger Beat in my browser already, so I'm gonna go scrub it out. Have a good day!