"Artists": Robin Thicke, featuring T. I. and Pharrell
Chart Position at time of writing: 1 (Time at #1: 10 weeks. No, really.)
Link to a lyric video because my mom reads this blog: Here!
Link to the actual video (seriously, Mom, don't click this.): NSFW
Review: Well, it's taken a bit, but we finally have our first #1 single on here! And it's a real runaway success, this tune. It's been #1 for 10 weeks, meaning that it's been #1 for nearly 1/3rd of the year thus far. Statistically speaking, if you haven't heard this song, you are either dead or an astronaut.
Let's get the positives out of the way first: Both Thicke and Pharrell can sing quite well, and I don't hate T. I.'s rapping. The three writers of the song are the three guys performing it, which is a rarity these days. Those are the positives. That's all.
And, with that, this song is bad. It's not as bad as some of the stuff I've reviewed on here, but goodness it's close. This song is a perfect example of "more is less." There is way too freaking much going on in this song, and I will demonstrate that with a simple code. Every time a lyric unrelated to the song itself shows up, I will insert it in this shade of horrible lime green. The rest of the song will be written in our usual italics. Let the fantastic journey begin. (Suave disclaimer: It should be noted that neither of us stole the green writing idea (see below) from each other. It just sort of happened that way, unwittingly to both of us. Maybe we both thought the same thing. It's almost like we're BROTHERS OR SOMETHING, AMIRITE?)
E'rebody get up
Woo!
E'rebody get up
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey unh
Hey hey hey (Woo!)
Turn it up.
I'm not joking. That's the first 21 seconds of the song (using the actual music video), and not a single actual word of the tune has been sung. Those are the words, sung by Pharrell mostly, with a few grunts from Mr. Thicke as an added bonus. In fact, putting that segment together I listened to those 21 seconds 7 consecutive times and I'm pretty sure I still missed some backing sound effects. Between the twin drum machines, bass line, two lead singers, dancing models and giant, somewhat depressing hashtags floating onscreen, it was difficult to focus. No worries, though, the song is about to start with Rob's urging us to "turn it up." Just like in the redneck national anthem, though, the phrase "turn it up" is not necessarily an indicator that good music will follow.
If you can't hear what I'm trying to say
Hey girl, c'mere!
If you can't read from the same page
Maybe I'm going deaf,
Maybe I'm going blind
Maybe I'm out of my mind
E'rebody get up.
I...what? Seriously, I am at a loss for words. These lyrics make no sense! Is he addressing the girl? Is this a failed pickup line to set up the chorus below? WHAT IS GOING ON?!
OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you (Woo!)
But you're an animal,
Baby, it's in your nature (Woo!) (Meow!)
So...now we have women portrayed as animals. I get that Thicke has gone on record as saying the song is "a joke." But joke songs don't make it to the top of the Hot 100 ("My Ding-a-Ling" notwithstanding). The misogyny here is palpable. This song is less pickup line and more plot to an adult film.
Protip, gentlemen, most women do not want to be called animals. The ones who do are likely to either rob you or require you to visit a doctor.
Protip, ladies, do not let a man call you an "animal." If he does, slap him. If you enjoy being called "an animal", find an idol who is not Kesha.
Just let me liberate you
Are you a city in Western Europe, circa 1944? Then Robin Thicke wants to send thousands of American troops into you. To save you from the Germans.
No, I don't care if that's not what he meant.
Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no papers (Woo!)
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker
Well, good. Rob has established that none of the men in the club are God. Or the girls' parents.
Hey, hey, hey
OK, we're about to start the chorus, so I'm gonna do a quick count. Assuming I've heard them all (and I probably haven't), there are 16 "hey's" in the first 50 seconds of this song. And they just keep repeating! The rhythm never changes, there are no dynamics going on here. The backing of this song is like a 4 course meal where every single course is white bread. And that would be forgivable if the lyrics to the song even resembled coherence.
And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl (E'rebody get up)
I know you want it (Woo! Hey!)
I know you want it
I know you want it (Woo!)
OK, is everyone clear that we're talking about sex here? This isn't saying "I know you want some Girl Scout Cookies" or "I know you want the last slice of pizza" or "I know you want a new video game." And judging from flagrant and repeated lines about "being an animal" and "liberation," we're talking about stuff most people won't do. OK? We're all on the same page? Great.
So now we have two paths to go from here: Either this lady is not a "good girl" by anyone's definition, or we have a chorus advocating sexual assault. It's simple: If she's a good girl she probably isn't gonna "want it" and if she "wants it" she isn't a "good girl."
This song has been #1 for over 1/4th of the year thus far. Logic: 0, Robin Thicke: 1.
Can't let it get past me (Woo! Come on, girl!)
You're far from plastic (Alright!)
Talk about getting blasted
Well, she's far from plastic. He's getting drunk. Really breaking some new ground here, aren't we?
I hate these blurred lines
Over the past 10 weeks, I have grown to hate them as well, Mr. Thicke.
I know you want it
I know you want it (Woo!) (Heyyyy--)
I know you want it (---Oooohhhhooohhh!) (Woo!)
But you're a good girl
Repetition. On the bright side, we will get an answer to my "two paths" blurb from earlier.
The way you grab me (woo!)
Must wanna get nasty (Heyyy-yyyy-yyyy!)
Go ahead, get at me (E'rebody get up!)
Alright, so. Not a good girl. Doesn't really excuse the creepy lyrics, but I guess it explains them. There's another verse coming, though, and I've been harsh. Thicke's primarily a songwriter, maybe his skill will shine through here!
What do they make dreams for
When you got them jeans on
Or not. Also, a line about a woman's attractive butt in jeans! What a novel concept!
What do we need steam for
Well, the steam engine actually powers most power plants in the world. Coal, oil, and even nuclear power plants simply heat water to generate steam, spinning a turbine and generating electricity. Steam is also a nice cleaner, formerly powered trains and some early cars, and can be used in relaxing steam rooms at health clubs. So, we need steam for quite a few things!
You the hottest bitch in this place!
Oh good, more misogyny. Seriously, are there men who talk to women like this? Are there women who enjoy it? Either way, if I ever have a daughter I'm sending her to a convent. I'm not even Catholic.
I feel so lucky
Hey, hey, hey
You wanna hug me (woo!)
Hey, hey, hey
What rhymes with hug me? (Hey-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Hey, hey, hey
A moment of positivity here: I like that Thicke cracks up a bit when he's singing the line "What rhymes with hug me?" For that split second, he's fully aware of the ludicrousness of what he's singing, and the audience is aware that it's a joke. You might think that excuses the rest of the song, but this is the only indicator that the tune isn't supposed to be serious. We're left to assume that (non-blurred) line is funny, but nothing else. The glimmer of levity is of course immediately stamped out by a return to the nonsense prechorus about animal women, liberation, and a remarkably poor grasp of the phrase "good girl".
Then the chorus loops again and I won't write about it except to tell you that there's even more background noise, with some "Uh-huh"'s being added to the already remarkable list of crap that doesn't need to be going on. Then the required rap session comes in, with T.I. handling rapping duties on this one. And...well...
One thing I ask of you
Let me be the one you back that ass to (woo!)
Alright, sorta sticks with the already awful theme of the song. Bit sad that's the only thing he wants from this woman. Let's move along.
Go, from Malibu, to Paris, boo
Yeah, I had a bitch, but she ain't bad as you (woo! Nuh-uh, hey)
Wasn't she a good girl a few lines ago? Or is this a different woman? I don't even know anymore. Also, from this point forward I'm stopping the green text. You get my point and the joke stopped being funny a few lines ago.
So hit me up when you passing through
Well now this is nice! He's telling her to call him when she comes by! Maybe he'll give her flowers, or profess his undying love for her!
I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two
Good Lord. That is probably the worst thing I have ever copy/pasted. Ever. This line, above all others, proves that if you wrap something in a snazzy production and make it sound "fun" you can get away with lyrics that could ruin lesser careers.
Swag on, even when you dress casual
I mean it's almost unbearable
Sorry, still too horrified by last lines to write something here.
In a hundred years not dare would I
Pull a Pharcyde, let you pass me by
A reference to "Passin' Me By" by The Pharcyde. That song is laid back and features lyrics about young crushes that ended in heartache. It also isn't terrible, so it's basically the opposite of this song.
Also, I challenge you to try to use that first line in an actual sentence. Seriously. Say "In a hundred years not dare would I" to someone. See what they say in response.
Nothing like your last guy, he too square for you
He don't smack that ass and pull your hair like that
Yeah. He might have treated her like a woman and not a piece of burger. And yes, I'm aware that T.I. and Thicke are married and that Pharrell is engaged. That's not the point, dear reader. The song isn't for their significant others, it's for the listening public. At least I hope it's for the public. I don't want to know if these guys' private lives are like this song.
So I'm...just watchin...
...and waitin'
One last brief spot of good delivery: the stretched line delivery here works well with the lyrics. Wonder what he's waiting for?
For you to salute (indecipherable lyrics) pimpin'
I have three different lyric sites open in tabs while typing this. None of them agree on what this line says. Just know he's waiting for her to give in to his charm/sexiness. Real shocker there.
Not many women can refuse this pimpin'
I'm a nice guy but don't get it confused (last words drowned out by too much background crap)
Assuming that the last few words aren't some secret code, we can now safely say that the songwriters have no idea what a "nice guy" or a "good girl" is. Are? I don't know, the song's killing my grasp of grammar. But we are near the end.
Shake your rump
More butt references.
Get down.
Get up.
Dancing instructions, sure. But taken together, these lines make almost no sense. At least the model in the video demonstrates how, for fans who didn't make it through elementary school.
Do it like it hurt, like it hurt
What you don't like work?
Uhhh. Dude, if dancing (And I hope that's what we're talking about here. If it isn't, don't tell me.) hurts, pretty sure you're doing it wrong. And if...whatever we're talking about is "work" for this woman, then the song's taken on a different meaning. I think.
Baby can you breathe?
I got this from Jamaica.
It always works for me,
Dakota to Decatur.
Marijuana. You can check marijuana off your "crap that most popular music feels the need to reference" bingo card.
No more pretending.
Wait, we were pretending this whole time?!
Cause now you winning.
Not winning a grammar competition, though.
Here's our beginning.
Weirdly, this comes at the end of the song. Thankfully, after one last repeat of the still-just-as-bad chorus, we're done here. 4 minutes of misogyny with a few wasted one-liners and three wasted talents. And it's been at #1 for longer than anything the Beatles ever recorded. I'll let that sink in for a second.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Well, if you're into Blue-eyed Soul (a term Mr. Thicke hates), you can try on some Hall and Oates. If you'd like some soul music from the Godfather of Soul, try this one on for size. If you liked the rap, why not try a T.I. tune that doesn't feature a line that makes me want to puke and actually features a mostly positive message. I was gonna post a Robin Thicke or Pharrell recommendation, but literally everything they've done is baby-making music. You can look for that on your own dang time.
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