Austin Reviews: Love Somebody

Artist: Maroon 5

Chart position at the time of writing: 10 (Still there at the moment)

I Can't Believe I'm About to Say Good Things About Maroon 5: Bink!

Review: Oh, Maroon 5.

Ooohhhh, Maroon 5.

We have a history, you and I.

About a year ago, I claimed that I thought Maroon 5 was the 8th worst band I'd ever heard. Now, I think I'm taking it back on that statement. I was young, naive. I had not yet tasted the fruits of labor.

Still haven't. Still don't have a job.

But honestly, how can a band go from having an exceptional piece of both music and writing in 2004 (and just having a fantastic album that year in general), to having one of the most atrocious, overrated pieces of garbage to ever have airtime?

You cannot say "Moves Like Jagger" is a good song when you listen to early Maroon 5. Yes, I do believe they sold out--for a time. But this song is currently number 10 on Billboard, and, again, I absolutely cannot believe I'm saying this.

...It's not that bad STOP!

Put down the tomatoes!

I know saying nice things about anything is not anywhere near as funny as being a jerk and ripping apart Kesha. But... it's not horrid. It's not great, not by any means, but compared to what else I've been hearing lately? If you don't think this will be as funny, fine, go, be that way, it doesn't bother me JEEZ. But otherwise, stay and see! There must be something we can make fun of!

Now let's see... ah! The lyrics!

Yeah, I said "She Will Be Loved" is good song writing, because it is. This song still has some parts that are definitely very not-good. We'll just pluck around those gooey good parts of the song and dissect what went wrong, eh?

I know you're inside, you're feeling so hollow,
Colon cleanings will do that to ya.

And its a hard pill for you to swallow, yeah
Ooohhh, is she on magnesium supplements, too? Yeah, they are basically horse pills...

But if I fall for you, I'll never recover,
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same,
Ah, it's one of those "first love" scenarios. Adam Levine is probably drowning in pus--um, women--most of the time, so I doubt he's actually serious with these words.

It's a good thong-dropper though, that's for sure. Oookkkaaayy, just gonna steer us away from the awkward territory now...

Chorus!

I really wanna love somebody,
I really wanna dance the night away,
I know we're only half way there,
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way,
I really wanna touch somebody,
I think about you every single day,
I know we're only half way there,
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way,
Ohohohoho, I bet you do wanna dance the night away, Maroon 5! Especially if you have the Moves Like Jagger!

(This is the part where Austin is smacked for making a horrible, horrible joke)

Seriously, the first few lines of this chorus sound like one big innuendo for sex. "But you can take me all the way" sure isn't helping anything either. The second half does not fair much better. Touching and thinking a lot... now Adam Levine just kind of sounds like a stalker.

So we have a very pedophilia-ish chorus. Also, at the beginning of the chorus, does the background music sound like a broom with a weird thing for Daft Punk to anyone besides me? Seriously, go listen to it.

I swear that's a broom.

You're such a hard act for me to follow,
...Yeah, I bet.


Love me today don't leave me tomorrow, yeah
This song does kind of sound like a high school relationship...


But if I fall for you, I'll never recover,
Hearing it a second time is lazy writing... also, I just picture every member of the band plummeting off a building screaming "BUT I LOVED YOOOOUUUUU--" all the way down. Then they'd be "Maroon On the Ground 5"

(I'm so sorry for that joke.)

If I fall for you, I'll never be the same,
Relationships can leave a lasting impact. But stay positive! Maybe you won't be the same for all the right reasons!

...Yeah, I got nothin'. The Pedobear inspired chorus repeats and we go to the bridge, which is the part in the song that does rub me the wrong way...

I don't know where to start, I'm just a little lost,
...You just said you guys were already halfway there.

I wanna feel like we never gonna ever stop,
If this song is about sex, then you both are going to get sore after awhile, y'know.

I don't know what to do, I'm right in front of you,
Do you have that weird condition where you do fine in front of millions of people you don't know but basically pee yourself in front of the girl you find attractive?

Don't worry, I do to!

Asking you to stay, you should stay, stay with me tonight, HUYEEEAAAAAAHHHH
...Okay, this has to be about doing it. No one just asks if you want to "spend the night" and doesn't immediately bump uglies and play tonsil hockey with each other. It seems that chorus confirms my beliefs!

Aaaand then said chorus repeats one more time. Before we wrap this up, here is the problem I have with the bridge: It's too much like the verses. I know that you need to be consistent in a song, but a bridge is supposed to be a cutaway from the chorus and verses. Some good examples of bridges in songs are here, here, and here. A bridge typically connects the verse to the chorus, making the song flow more evenly and keep it together (hence, "bridge.") A bridge is to be used once in a song and usually has a different feature in the music.

In this song it just kind of... doesn't. Sure, it has a bit of a different rhythm and words are placed on different notes, but when you really dig into it... it's a bit too similar to the verses for my liking. Same staccato patterns and same sung notes. It doesn't really connect anything super-well. Also, that last "yeah" was so sharp that my dog could hear it from outside.

Now that we've gotten that nerdy, boring songwriting stuff out of the way... I guess we can conclude this.

Is this the greatest piece of work ever done? No, absolutely not. It isn't even Maroon 5's greatest song. But after that last piece of trash that was passed off as music? You can bet I'll take this.

The writing is pretty lazy and it does suffer from GBS (Generic Beat Syndrome), but it isn't trying to be fancy, there's no stupid rap right in the middle that makes no damn sense, and overall, it's just an okay song. It won't break any records or win any awards, but there are far worse things on Billboard right now.

Much, much worse.

Recommended Alternative Listening: If you don't like that and just skipped to the end, then I guess I can put "She Will Be Loved" back down here. If borderline creepy love songs are your thing, then Eric Clapton has you covered. And if you like decent pop music from still somewhat relevant musicians, then this douchebag has you covered. Guess you're outta luck otherwise.

Again, didn't hate this song, but by no means is it the greatest thing since sliced bread. So a fitting rating will be a...

5/10: Toast with Sprite.