Andrew Reviews: Crazy Kids

"Artist:" Kesha, featuring will.i.am
Chart position at time of writing: 43 (Peak position: 40)
Link that I will post in direct violation of the Eighth Amendment: Link!

Review: I don't hate women. Yes, my first three reviews for the blog have been of female artists' songs, but that's just because these three songs have been shrill, awful electropop. And, hey, this one has a male artist in it!  I'm not a misogynist!

Now let me be honest: I despise Kesha's music. I hate it. Hate hate hate hate hate it. I think she is the most consistently bad artist in pop music right now. Even artists like Drake, Lil' Wayne, and Nickelback have produced songs that don't cause physical pain. Not Kesha (and I refuse to write her name with that motherfletching dollar sign. Writing it is a good way to tell people you're a label tool.). Kesha's songs are to music as leprosy is to smooth skin. This song is no exception. If anything, this song is a perfect example of the crap she foists on the listening public. Let's dive in (unwillingly and holding our noses) to the lyrics:

(Personal note: The only words that I'll "edit" from the lyrics are the F-word and any racial slurs. Our blog is PG-13, by golly. I add this because this is the first song I've done to have the F-word in it. Which is a red flag, because that word is usually a sign of piss-poor songwriting. See below.)

Hello, wherever you are
Are you dancing on the dance floor or drinking by the bar?
Tonight we do it big, and shine like stars
And we don't give a f***, 'cause that's just who we are.

Jeez, this is what we're starting with? The lyrics here are mostly harmless, but it's really imperative that you click that video link so that you understand what I hate the most about Kesha: this woman cannot sing. She absolutely cannot hit anything that resembles "notes." I empathize with her, because I cannot sing. My brother and sister can; I cannot. The difference between me and her is simple: I make a meager salary teaching, she makes millions by butchering music. And it's only gonna get worse, people.

And we are, we are, we are, we are, we are
The crazy kids, them crazy, them crazy kids
And we are, we are, we are, we are, we are
The crazy kids, we are the
We are the crazy people

We've all met someone who says he/she is "crazy." These people are, almost to a T, looking for attention. A real crazy person doesn't know they're crazy; that's what makes them crazy! Saying that you're "crazy" is, in fact, an acknowledgement of the fact that you're an attention whore. In Kesha's case, emphasis on the last word in the previous sentence. In fact, rather than go on a rant, I'll just let xkcd explain. Replace "quirky" with "crazy" and you have the perfect example of why this song sucks. The whispered end to this little bit of song (which, sadly, is the chorus and the source of the title), just adds to the whole air of desperation about it: "Look guys, I'm crazy! I'm wild! I can talk about sex and use profanity! That means I'm grown up and not predictable!" Dear Lord, Kesha is the Tom Green of music...

Wait, she's rapping now! Oh, this ought to be good...

I see ya in the club showin' Kesha love
Ain't trippin' on them bitches that be hatin'

Is this English? More to the point, is there anyone who enjoys the sound of this woman's voice? Or the way she looks? Look, I despise the music of Miss Katy Perry, but she is a very pretty lady. Same with my old nemesis Demi Lovato. Or Taylor Swift. But Kesha fans can't even use physical attractiveness as an excuse.

Focusing on the lyrics for a moment,  Kesha is proud that she ignores her "haters." But...she acknowledges them. In a single. So, I'm pretty sure that those "b*****es that be hatin'" have at least tripped her a little. The lyrics don't improve from here.

Catch a dub, chuckin' deuces
Ya'll hatin's useless
It's such a nuisance
Ya'll chickens keep your two cents
And keep your dollars, keep your loot

Is...is this English? I teach at a high school that is 40% black, 30% white, and 30% Hispanic. Not once have I ever heard any of my students say "catch a dub." Is Kesha going to watch a Japanese monster movie? Or win something? (Side note for our whiter readers: "dub" here is slang for "W," itself an abbreviation of the word "win") Because those are the only references requiring the word dub that I have ever heard.

As to the other lines, I know my hating is useless, because your idiot fans are going to buy this regardless. Done. But I will continue hating, because if I stop just one person from falling for this s*** by buying it or listening to it, I will have succeeded. Also, if hating is "useless," then it isn't really a "nuisance," because you're still paying attention to it. Which is the point of "hating." Lastly, poultry does not use money, even in small denominations.

I'm fresher than that Gucci

Guccio Gucci, founder of the Gucci clothing/fashion company, died in 1953. Kesha is still living. Ergo, this sentence is correct. Wait, what do you mean that's not what she meant?

Them boys, they want my coochie
I say no, I'm no hoochie

That's it. Music is dead. There is no sound now. This cannot be unwritten or un-heard. We're all in this awful boat together, and we're gonna switch to cannibalism before we even run out of food. Because this is fecal matter pressed onto a disc and broadcast into the ears of America. And it will drive us all insane.

Furthermore, this line, these lyrics, they are the product of 5 writers. FIVE! How in the name of all that is good and right with the world did this happen?! Paul McCartney wrote "Yesterday" by himself! Otis Redding wrote "Respect" by himself! FIVE PEOPLE generated a song that can only be described in negative terms. There is no rational reason to enjoy this! THERE ARE OTHER SONGS YOU CAN LISTEN TO AS BACKGROUND MUSIC. YOUR PARTY SONGS DO NOT HAVE TO BE POINTLESS.

Lastly, we have Kesha here bragging about fidelity. Have you ever heard her song "Take it Off"? Or "Blow", where she describes herself as "pretty and sick"? Or, and this is a classy one, "Blah Blah Blah," featuring the following actual lines:

Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dick's at...
Boy come on get your rocks off
Come put a little love in my glove box
I wanna dance with no pants on...

So yeah, Kesha, you've built up a reputation with lyrics that can charitably be described as "slutty." You're either a hoochie or a tease. Pick one and get tested.

 Your homegirl hatin',
I say "Who she?"

Kesha's grammar: the only thing worse than her music. Just kidding, nothing is worse than her music.

Kesha don't give two f***s
 
It's become abundantly clear that you don't even give one.

I came to start that ruckus
And ya wanna party with us

No, I want it to not burn when I pee.

'Cause we crazy motherf***ers

No. You're not. You're a bland, pathetic shell of a human being who markets a lifestyle of meaningless pleasure seeking as something to be desired. Drinking, partying, and sex are all fine accessories to life, but they are not the meaning of life itself. You're not "crazy," you're useless. The only thing worse than that is spreading this uselessness as something to be desired. No, this isn't funny or a joke. The song has finally broken my sense of humor. I'll just take a break as this vomit-inducing excuse for a chorus loops again. Maybe my humor will return...

...It did. The chorus is vapid and soulless. What does one do on a dance floor other than dance? Why does Kesha pronounce "big" the same way an unfortunate Hispanic stereotype would in a 1950s Western? WHY AM I STILL LISTENING TO THIS?

Oh, crap. will.i.am just showed up...

I'm buzzin' off these bubbles
I'm sippin' and I guzzle
I'm the n***a that says mazel tov

Let's ignore the stereotypical "I like to drink" first 2 lines. It's line 3 that bothers me. The "n-word" is a hot button for me, even though I'm a very, very white guy. That word is not OK for white, black, Hispanic, Native, or Asian people to use. Racial slurs aren't OK. Given that we intend to rip on rap music here, I'll save the rant for another day, given that this one is way too dang long already. Also, dude's not Jewish. Take it away, will.

I bring the trouble

When I think "trouble," I think of will.i.am. He's just a bucket of trouble. Remember when he...uh...Yeah, will.i.am is as much trouble as a cup of warm milk.

If they don't have no alcohol
Then I'm gonna smuggle

will.i.am feels the same way about booze as I do about Skittles.

Some Rosé, Chandon, drink 'til I see double
She put boobies in my face and now I'm really seeing doubles

Dude was paid money to write this. Edgar Allan Poe died penniless on the streets of Baltimore. Just throwing that out there. (PS: will.i.am might make this writer #6!)

I took her to my place to blast off like the shuttle

Aaaaand I could have gone my entire life without hearing about will.i.am's sex life.

Kissing while we talkin'
So I'm speaking with a mumble
Nemurnuhmuhnagrulenumenumenumebuble.*

That last line is the sort of thing I can't make up. Click on the link at the top of this article. Go to the 2:02 mark of this video and try to figure out what the heck the dude is doing with the mumbling part. Even better, try to remember that this song hit the Top 40 at one point. Meaning that, of all the songs in existence by July 2013, this tune was more popular than all but 39 of them. It's OK to cry.

I never thought I'd be happy to hear Kesha again, but she blessedly cuts off the "rap" that is going on here with a repeat of the meaningless chorus. Then she makes the mistake of thinking she has something profound to say. Short version: she doesn't. Long version:

This is all we got and then it's gone.

Allow me one last humorless moment: this is the most pathetic thing I have heard in pop music. Your entire existence is predicated on meaningless one night stands and drinking enough to make it so you're not yourself. Wow. Is there a stronger word than "pathetic"? Because I already used that one. Okay, okay, comedy blog the rest of the way!

You call us the crazy ones.

No one does this. At least no one under 70 does this, and don't flatter yourself Kesha, no one over 70 knows who you are.

But we gonna keep on dancing 'til the dawn.
'Cause you know the party never ends.

 It does when you run out of cash. Or, in your case, uninfected partners. Sorry, low blow.

And tomorrow we gonna do it again.

Seriously, read a damn book. Act like you speak your primary language. There are societies on our planet where women are beaten for seeking an education. At least pretend to care.

We the ones that play hard, we live hard, We love hard,

No, people with hard lives live hard. You sing (poorly) and rap (even more poorly) and are given amounts of money that I can't comprehend. You do not live hard. Your compatriots do not live hard. Sewage workers and single moms "live hard." You take up resources.

We light up the dark.

Again, no. People who contribute things to society light up the dark. Those who inspire, who do good, who feed those with less than them, who give to charity, who help make this world a less awful place, they light up the dark. You hit one note in a song about how you don't just sleep with everyone. That isn't lighting up the dark. It's doing the minimum for a paycheck.

There's one last repeat of the awful chorus, but that is, blessedly, the end of the song.

In conclusion, this song (like all of Kesha's music thus far) is atrocious. The tune isn't the worst thing I've ever heard (an honor that goes to "Barbie Girl") but it's close. It's a glorification of a hollow lifestyle that, ultimately, has no point. A popular rumor online is that Kesha is extremely smart, scoring a 1500 on the old SAT (which only went up to 1600), and having a 140 IQ. If either of those facts are true, that makes this song even more of a shame--that sort of brain should be doing so much more.

Recommended Alternative Listening: If you need a party song, try some electronica instrumentals or either of the songs I've reviewed on here ("I Love It" and "Heart Attack"). Neither of those promote actively stupid lifestyle choices. If you legitimately like Kesha's music...I assume you couldn't read most of this post. If you could, I apologize, but you have no taste in music. Objectively, this song is bad. Go listen to that will.i.am mumble part again! And weep! Weep!!!!

*--Blogger's approximation of lyrics.