"Artist:" Lukas Graham
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 6 (Peak: 2)
Video Link: What is it with Scandinavians and black and white film?
Review: So, last time out I asked if there was a genre more annoying than the "It's hard being famous" song. Unfortunately, I got my answer--there is a more annoying genre. It's the "people who are younger than me whining about aging" song!
I teach history. I get the appeal of looking at the past and I understand the temptation to do so wistfully.* Heck, I'm closing in on 30--I understand the transitions that come with leaving behind the last years that can reasonably be described as one's "youth" while facing the terrifying monolith of aging.
That does not give anyone (whether you're a confusingly named Danish band or a whiny British guy backed up by a rapper with a goofy name) the right to write a terrible pop song about getting older. (Or to write terrible Buzzfeed articles about how great our generation had it growing up. Literally every generation thinks that. Shut up.)
Here come the lyrics:
Once I was seven years old
SO WAS I! Ohmigawd I take it all back this song speaks to me so much I wish I could marry it.
My momma told me
Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely.
Yeesh. I'm an antisocial jerk roughly 99% of the time and even I was capable of making friends at age 7. It's not difficult. You meet a person who does not immediately attempt to make you eat the pea gravel on the playground. They are now your friend, congratulations. The 2 of you will celebrate by eating some pea gravel together.
I'm being too harsh. After all, the title of the song is "7 Years" what other nuggets do these Danish rapscallions have to tell us about that critical time?
Once I was seven years old
That's...that's it? You titled the song about one exchange with your mom telling you to get out of the house and annoy someone else? And then we just get a piano fill?
Please remember, this song is supposed to be deep. If you show this to 10 people between the ages of 15-30, I guarantee you will offend at least one of them because they like this song because it speaks to the problems they have. So, reader, any time you think I'm being too harsh on this song, just remember that it is supposed to be meaningful and impactful. (Also, you should totally show it to people to see if it offends them. My pageviews are how I judge my worth as a human being.)
It was a big big world, but we thought we were bigger.
Pushing each other to the limits we were learning quicker.
By eleven smoking herb and drinking burning liquor.
So what you're saying is that Ma should have been a bit more specific when you were 7? You're sure you didn't miss an exchange at 8 or 9 about maybe not hanging with the kid who reeks of skunk weed and is repeating 3rd grade for the 4th time?
And I get that tinkering with drugs and booze is a part of a lot of peoples' lives, but that's high school/college stuff, man. You usually hear "I started drinking at 11" from either glam rappers looking for street cred or from someone with facial tattoos and a nickname like "Killer" or "Animal" or "Cuddle Bear." Prisons are weird places.
Never rich so we were out to make that steady figure
...by spending your money on pot and booze? Good Lord, you were a really stupid kid.
Once I was eleven years old
"And I was about to jam a needle full of heroin and Drano into my neck when my dad walks in..."
My daddy told me
Go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely.
Once I was eleven years old.
At 11? What is this, medieval Europe where you have to reproduce by 15 or risk not spreading your precious genetic material? Gotta have more hands so the lord of the manor gets his portion? Is the next verse about how the plague came and killed most of your village?
I always had that dream like my daddy before me,
Which dream? Marriage or, like, something else?
So I started writing songs I started writing stories
Could you have picked a better-written one to record, then?
Something about that glory
Just always seemed to bore me.
What glory? The glory of marriage? The glory of songwriting?
Either way, 2 lines ago you "always had that dream" but now it bores you?! Pardon my bluntness and slight profanity here, but make up your damn mind, you whining little Danish puke.
Cause only those I really love will ever really know me.
Oh, so you're like every other human being to ever exist on the planet, then? And we'll never really know you? And lines like this are a dime a dozen in the history of popular music?
Cool, then you stop singing so I can stop writing and we can all pretend that this miserable fart of a song was never wafted onto our airwaves.
Once I was twenty years old,
my stories got told,
before the morning sun
when life was lonely
Once I was twenty years old
Songwriter 1: Hey, guys, we're on the part where we're 20. What do I put there?
Songwriters 2-4, in unison: Doesn't matter. Kids should already be making out and/or whimsically remembering years they haven't actually lived yet. Just slap some words down. Do it quick, we're gonna go get lunch.
I only see my goals, I don't believe in failure
This explains so much. Your goal was to write a hit song, which is why you can't believe that you've actually failed at writing a good song.
Cause I know the smallest voices, they can make it major
Provided that they hit the proper note range, are from a first-world country, and are willing to prostitute themselves to the lowest-common-denominator machine that is 21st century songcraft, yes.
The next few lines are uninteresting, so we'll skip ahead.
Once I was twenty years old,
My story got told
I was writing about everything I saw before me.
And this bland, uninspired, insipid crap is what you saw before you? Life was more interesting at eleven than it was at twenty for you? Jeez, Denmark must suck.
This actually explains the Vikings pretty well, truth be told.
Soon we'll be thirty years old.
Thanks for the reminder. Anyone wanna pay me a few thousand bucks to whine about it for 4 minutes?
Our songs have been sold
We've traveled around the world
and we're still roaming
Soon we'll be thirty years old
Somewhere there is a 43 year old former-songwriter who wrote personal, painful songs but never hit it big. He/She is now serving Grand Slams at a Denny's in Kentucky. This set of lines seems designed to make that person commit suicide.
I'm still learning about life
my woman brought children for me
So I can sing them all my songs
and I can tell them stories
Tell them a less crappy one. Maybe include some details. Or tell them that fun tale about that time you called their mom "your woman" on a hit single, that one will segue nicely into the story about how your woman gave you a concussion when you told her to make you a sammich.
Most of my boys are with me
Some are still out seeking glory
And some I had to leave behind
My brother I'm still sorry
See, that story? The one about the friend you had to leave behind and you regret it? That is probably a story worth listening to. Instead of that interesting chapter of life, though, you have opted to show us the table of contents and go "Man, some of these chapters sound really cool don't they?!"
Soon I'll be sixty years old
Bit of a leap there, but if you're promising 30 years before I have to hear another song by you, I will take it!
My daddy got sixty-one
Remember life and then your life becomes a better one
I made a man so happy when I wrote a letter once
I hope my children come and visit once or twice a month
Yeah, not gonna make fun of a dude's dad dying. Move along.
Soon I'll be sixty years old,
will I think the world is cold?
Probably. Basically everyone thinks the world was better when they were younger. First recorded complaint by a parent about "this lazy young generation" comes from 2500 BC. We're not going to be any different. Sorry, guys.
Or will I have a lot of children who can warm me.
Better hope so. Denmark is frigid.
Anyhow, some older lines repeat and then we're done. Thankfully.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Good Lord that was a long song. Let's keep this section brief. You like crappy nostalgia? Previous generations have that covered in spades. Try most Kenny Chesney or Bob Seger. Alternatively, here is a Bob Seger song that doesn't suck.
That has nothing to do with this section, I put that there in the hopes that Lukas Graham's next song will not suck. But I am not holding out much hope.
*--Even though you shouldn't. Seriously, history is grim and depressing and full of episodes where people stabbed/shot/skinned-alive other people because of some resources or because of the level of melanin in their skin or because they think the deity of their choice told them to. It's also full of unnecessary footnotes, overlong papers, and weird citation styles that no one else anywhere ever uses (McDowell, 2016).
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Andrew Reviews: I Took A Pill in Ibiza
"Artist:" Mike Posner
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 5 (Current Peak)
Absolutely NSFW Video Link to the Successful Version: Good Lord, people. At least try to make this difficult.
Video Link to the Actually-Not-That-Bad Original: Same words, less electronica.
Review: Is there any genre of song more annoying than the "it's so hard to be famous" shtick? A celebrity's fame is literally the easiest thing for them to get rid of. You can stop performing. You can say something racist. You can release a country album. Lots of ways to lose your fame.
One way to not lose your fame? Record a song about how difficult it is to be famous and have it be your biggest hit since 2010. Lyrics!
I took a pill in Ibiza to show Avicii I was cool
Mistake #1: Attempting to do anything to show Avicii you're cool. "Avicii" is actually Swedish for "talentless hack who loops electronic music designed to be listened to by people who are so high on ecstasy that they think they're actually enjoying repetitive nonsense that sounds like a Super Nintendo being beaten with a brick."
Swedish is a very efficient language.
And when I finally got sober, felt 10 years older
But f*** it, it was something to do.
MDMA: The cure for boredom!
I'm living out in LA
Breaking new ground, here. Careful, Posner, next thing you're gonna do is sing something about how your material possessions are, like, totally fake, bro.
I drive a sports car just to prove,
I'm a real big baller 'cause I made a million dollars
And I spend it on girls and shoes
Sorry for going 3 lines without any jokes, but this is just so boring. It would be like writing corn jokes about Iowa--once you've heard one, you've heard them all.
Again, our songwriter is complaining that he drives a sports car. Now, I will never make fun of addiction, because that's a compulsion that is hard to stare down, hence the lack of jokes about "just not doing drugs" for the opening lines. But I will absolutely mock someone's crappy spending habits.
No one made you buy that Maserati or those vintage Jordans, Mike. You could just drive a Nissan, date a non-gold-digger, and wear the same pair of shoes more than 1 day in a row. That is not that dang hard, it's what most of us do, oh, every single day. This is in the Top 5. Who the heck is buying this song?
But you don't really wanna be high like me
Never really knowing why like me
"Listen, middle- or lower-class listener. I know having a fast car, elaborate shoe collection, beautiful women, millions in the bank, and the ability to openly confess to drug use on a hit single without the fear of legal reprisal sounds great, but it's really hard you guys."
Isn't, like, all glam-rap the opposite of this song?
You don't wanna step off that roller coaster and be all alone.
First off, crappy line delivery. This doesn't fit the song's meter at all.
Second: My wife doesn't like roller coasters. I have to ride them alone. It's not that bad.
You don't want to ride the bus like this
Didn't you just say you drove a sports car?
Never knowing who to trust like this
You don't wanna be stuck up on that stage singing
Stuck up on that stage singing.
Again, being famous? Performing? Your motherfletching decision. You don't like it? You feel like fame is phony? You can become a waste management technician. Literally no one is stopping you.
Honestly, I'm less offended by the lyrics and more offended by the audience at this point. It's entirely possible Posner wrote this song to himself, for himself. Or to discourage potential future competitors (jerk). But why the heck are McDonald's workers and mall clerks going "Yes, a famous person complaining about fame. This is something I should listen to and enjoy."?
Why is a high school history teacher spending his precious free time writing about it? Why does everything suddenly smell and taste like burning sulfur?
All I know are sad songs, sad songs
Darling, all I know are sad songs, sad songs
Then you've either forgotten your previous work or are a liar. Your pick.
In the remix, these lines are followed by a truly awful musical fill that features the basic beat looping perpetually with some guy pushing, like, 4 random keys on his synthesizer. This is currently performing better than all but 4 songs on the market right now. Just...had to remind you of that.
I'm just a singer who already blew his shot
Hence why this is performing so poorly. Seriously, at least make me work when I write.
I get along with old timers, 'cause my name's a reminder
of a pop song people forgot
"Old Timers" are apparently people who remember the ancient year of 2010. You know, the long-ago Obama administration, when people were obsessed with their smartphones and music was facing a crisis of shallow, disposable electro-pop dominating the market. Gawd, that was so long ago.
And I can't keep a girl, no,
'Cause as soon as the sun comes up
I cut 'em all loose, and work's my excuse
But the truth is I can't open up
Look, I'm a married guy who deeply loves his wife. But there's a huge contingent of people (male and female) who would be totally OK with perfect 10s throwing themselves at them. This video is chock-full of beautiful women tossing themselves haphazardly at a giant papier-mâché Mike Posner, with literally no evidence that there's anything bad about that.
All I'm saying is, if you're looking for sympathy as the tortured artist who can't open his heart to a woman, maybe consider cutting that from your video.
Chorus loops again after this. Also, the video features a dude puking. It's an accurate depiction of how I experienced the song the first time through.
And...that's it. 4 minutes of crap. At least it has the decency to be over.
Recommended Alternative Listening: This might be the easiest this section's ever been. First off, any of the Posner singles from his previous album, if you're into that. Alternatively, try Brad Paisley's "Celebrity" or David Bowie's "Fame." Either way, just...stop listening to songs like this.
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 5 (Current Peak)
Absolutely NSFW Video Link to the Successful Version: Good Lord, people. At least try to make this difficult.
Video Link to the Actually-Not-That-Bad Original: Same words, less electronica.
Review: Is there any genre of song more annoying than the "it's so hard to be famous" shtick? A celebrity's fame is literally the easiest thing for them to get rid of. You can stop performing. You can say something racist. You can release a country album. Lots of ways to lose your fame.
One way to not lose your fame? Record a song about how difficult it is to be famous and have it be your biggest hit since 2010. Lyrics!
I took a pill in Ibiza to show Avicii I was cool
Mistake #1: Attempting to do anything to show Avicii you're cool. "Avicii" is actually Swedish for "talentless hack who loops electronic music designed to be listened to by people who are so high on ecstasy that they think they're actually enjoying repetitive nonsense that sounds like a Super Nintendo being beaten with a brick."
Swedish is a very efficient language.
And when I finally got sober, felt 10 years older
But f*** it, it was something to do.
MDMA: The cure for boredom!
I'm living out in LA
Breaking new ground, here. Careful, Posner, next thing you're gonna do is sing something about how your material possessions are, like, totally fake, bro.
I drive a sports car just to prove,
I'm a real big baller 'cause I made a million dollars
And I spend it on girls and shoes
Sorry for going 3 lines without any jokes, but this is just so boring. It would be like writing corn jokes about Iowa--once you've heard one, you've heard them all.
Again, our songwriter is complaining that he drives a sports car. Now, I will never make fun of addiction, because that's a compulsion that is hard to stare down, hence the lack of jokes about "just not doing drugs" for the opening lines. But I will absolutely mock someone's crappy spending habits.
No one made you buy that Maserati or those vintage Jordans, Mike. You could just drive a Nissan, date a non-gold-digger, and wear the same pair of shoes more than 1 day in a row. That is not that dang hard, it's what most of us do, oh, every single day. This is in the Top 5. Who the heck is buying this song?
But you don't really wanna be high like me
Never really knowing why like me
"Listen, middle- or lower-class listener. I know having a fast car, elaborate shoe collection, beautiful women, millions in the bank, and the ability to openly confess to drug use on a hit single without the fear of legal reprisal sounds great, but it's really hard you guys."
Isn't, like, all glam-rap the opposite of this song?
You don't wanna step off that roller coaster and be all alone.
First off, crappy line delivery. This doesn't fit the song's meter at all.
Second: My wife doesn't like roller coasters. I have to ride them alone. It's not that bad.
You don't want to ride the bus like this
Didn't you just say you drove a sports car?
Never knowing who to trust like this
You don't wanna be stuck up on that stage singing
Stuck up on that stage singing.
Again, being famous? Performing? Your motherfletching decision. You don't like it? You feel like fame is phony? You can become a waste management technician. Literally no one is stopping you.
Honestly, I'm less offended by the lyrics and more offended by the audience at this point. It's entirely possible Posner wrote this song to himself, for himself. Or to discourage potential future competitors (jerk). But why the heck are McDonald's workers and mall clerks going "Yes, a famous person complaining about fame. This is something I should listen to and enjoy."?
Why is a high school history teacher spending his precious free time writing about it? Why does everything suddenly smell and taste like burning sulfur?
All I know are sad songs, sad songs
Darling, all I know are sad songs, sad songs
Then you've either forgotten your previous work or are a liar. Your pick.
In the remix, these lines are followed by a truly awful musical fill that features the basic beat looping perpetually with some guy pushing, like, 4 random keys on his synthesizer. This is currently performing better than all but 4 songs on the market right now. Just...had to remind you of that.
I'm just a singer who already blew his shot
Hence why this is performing so poorly. Seriously, at least make me work when I write.
I get along with old timers, 'cause my name's a reminder
of a pop song people forgot
"Old Timers" are apparently people who remember the ancient year of 2010. You know, the long-ago Obama administration, when people were obsessed with their smartphones and music was facing a crisis of shallow, disposable electro-pop dominating the market. Gawd, that was so long ago.
And I can't keep a girl, no,
'Cause as soon as the sun comes up
I cut 'em all loose, and work's my excuse
But the truth is I can't open up
Look, I'm a married guy who deeply loves his wife. But there's a huge contingent of people (male and female) who would be totally OK with perfect 10s throwing themselves at them. This video is chock-full of beautiful women tossing themselves haphazardly at a giant papier-mâché Mike Posner, with literally no evidence that there's anything bad about that.
All I'm saying is, if you're looking for sympathy as the tortured artist who can't open his heart to a woman, maybe consider cutting that from your video.
Chorus loops again after this. Also, the video features a dude puking. It's an accurate depiction of how I experienced the song the first time through.
And...that's it. 4 minutes of crap. At least it has the decency to be over.
Recommended Alternative Listening: This might be the easiest this section's ever been. First off, any of the Posner singles from his previous album, if you're into that. Alternatively, try Brad Paisley's "Celebrity" or David Bowie's "Fame." Either way, just...stop listening to songs like this.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Andrew Reviews: Love Yourself
"Artist:" Justin Bieber
Chart position at time of writing: 2 (current peak)
Video Link, because nothing improves terrible pop like interpretive dance!: Link!
Review: You know, it's legitimately impressive that we've done this on and off (mostly off) for 3 years and haven't done a Bieber song before this. Heaven knows we've had the opportunity, but the guy's usually performing inoffensively bland pop music. I prefer not to aim for low-hanging fruit (Minus Florida-Georgia Line, of course) and is there anyone as universally despised as Bieber? Hating Justin Bieber has basically become the pop equivalent of hating Nickelback. It's absolutely understandable, but it's so implicit that you're not gonna find anyone who disagrees with you.
So, anyhow, that's why we haven't done a Bieber song. But then he had to go and try to perform something witty, which means that I must now murder him with words. Let's hop to it.
For all the times that you rain on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name.
At some point a celebrity becomes too famous to use their name to get into a nightclub. Like, if I was successful and talented (I am neither) but not well known outside of Central North Carolina, you might be able to sneak into a club by name-dropping me (NOTE: This will not ever work at anything that is not a faculty luncheon at my high school) (SECOND NOTE: It will probably not work there, either.).
But Justin Bieber is an internationally known mega-star. If you tell a club bouncer "Nah, it's cool, I know Justin Bieber," he will openly mock you. You may as well say "Oh, you'd best let me in or I'll call my friend Barry. Oh, you don't know Barry? You must know his work name, which is Barack Obama!" It will be just as realistic and just as effective.
To be fair, if you are an attractive woman, you will be allowed into the club anyhow, so there is no need to name-drop anyone. Cut that nonsense out.
You think you broke my heart,
oh girl for goodness sake
Um...does this have anything to do with the previous lines? Is this even tangentially related or are we just going through a checklist of puerile, useless insults which would cut down only the least secure, shallow human beings on the planet?
"Oh, we broke up but you still use my name! You think you broke my heart? You're so wrong."
Justin, bud, you're 21 now. High school should have been a long time ago by this point.
You think I'm crying on my own, well I ain't.
Is there anything more pathetic than the "You didn't hurt me at all" song? Addressing a person's insignificance by writing them a song and releasing it as a single makes as much sense as telling someone you don't actually like them by buying a box of chocolates, some flowers, and a 10 karat diamond ring.
And I didn't want to write a song
And yet, here we are.
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care, I don't.
Then, if I may make a recommendation, stop. No one is forcing you to make words with your mouth. Like, you can end this at literally any point. What about now?
But you still hit my phone up.
Guess not. Dude, just...this is far more pathetic than whatever behavior you're complaining about from the lady. This is a song about how he didn't want to write a song about the girl who he doesn't like anymore.
It's like Inception, if Inception was directed exclusively by idiots who claimed to get Inception even though they can't spell the movie's title correctly.
And baby I be moving on
It was at this point that I thought this song sounded like some crap Ed Sheeran would have written and judged to be beneath him. And then I looked at the songwriters and holy crap Ed Sheeran is one of the songwriters! Where's that photo of him looking like an idiotic douche?
Ah, that's the stuff. I can actually die happy knowing that there is someone who is uglier and more punchable than me, and Eddie there fills both requirements so very nicely.
Where was I? Oh, yes, a song written by a pair (technically trio) of tools about how much they're over a relationship. Let me know when the irony sinks in and/or kills you.
And I think you should be something I don't wanna hold back,
Maybe you should know that.
Ever written a sentence in, like, a term paper and then read it and thought "Wait, that doesn't actually say anything," so you re-wrote it? That's what should have happened with these lines. That's 17 words that manage to say absolutely nothing. Here, I can do the same thing with 10 fewer words: We suck at writing. Give us money.
So much time saved!
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone.
I'll confess, I kinda like this line. Then I realized that Justin Bieber's mom kinda has to like everyone. I mean, her own son has set the bar so low, she's basically only allowed to dislike terrorists and Nickelback.
Gah, where's that picture of Justin Bieber looking like a douche? Oh, wait, that's all of them. Seriously, click that link and then come back and tell me I'm wrong.
And I never like to admit that I was wrong.
You're so unique! I have never met anyone else who struggles with admitting they were wrong! Someone sign this guy up for the Canadian Legion of Meritorious Merit...or whatever the heck Canada's Medal of Honor is. The Golden Beaver? Is that a thing?
And I've been so caught up in my job,
I didn't see what's going on.
Is singing mediocre-to-bad pop music and throwing temper tantrums really a job? If so, can I apply somewhere? Teaching is hard. I imagine that people who work in factories or fast food would also like to apply for this job that enables you to get caught up so much. Please, enlighten us more on the difficulties of your life, you pitiable wretch.
Also, I hate myself for providing you with a TMZ page. I think I will write a song about it called "Link to Sadness (ft. Lil Wayne)" and tell you all about how hard this blogging business is and how little I care about my crush from 4th grade.
But now I know
I'm better sleeping on my own
Yep. Pop icon with legions of screaming fans. Bet it's reeeeeeeeeeeal tough to find a replacement lady. Good luck, dude.
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Then baby, you should go and love yourself
I think this is supposed to be a clever way of saying "go f*** yourself." But considering that it comes from a guy who doesn't really get subtlety or irony (Reference: any of the lines above this one) there is a very real chance that the dude is telling the lady to make out with a mirror.
Furthermore, not to say that Justin Bieber and I agree on...anything, but doesn't this guy usually date some fairly pretty women? Like, breaking up with Justin Bieber is not a death sentence for a pretty woman's relationship. Pretty sure Selena Gomez isn't gonna have any trouble finding a new dude to date her.
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin,
You are! YOU WROTE A FREAKING SONG ABOUT IT. I don't think I have ever actually met anyone with this little self-awareness.
You should go and love yourself.
Oh, this is definitely an attempt at wordplay. The keyword is "attempt." It's really less wordplay and more wordmurder-with-a-hatchet.
And when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And another cliche! This girl didn't like my friends, but she was the real problem.
Wait, I'm getting a phone call and...yes! Justin Bieber, congratulations! You are the 10 millionth man to make that complaint! Your prize is $1 billion--and that's in American dollars! You can abandon your singing career right now!
...crap, that didn't work. He's stillllllllll going.
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
You carefully considered her words and realized that opinions are not definite statements of fact, but are actually personal reflections on our own perceptions of available data?
And tried to make me forget where I came from.
You have a Wikipedia page for that. Answer's apparently London, Ontario. Don't blame the girl because you can't use the Internet.
Chorus loops again, still including the line about not wanting to write a song. The concept of irony commits suicide--ironically by using an iron. Fortunately, there's only 4 lines left!
For all the times you made me feel small
I fell in love now I feel nothing at all.
This is an unending (OK, 4 minute) chain of nondirectional passive-aggressive whining. Are we 100% sure this isn't a heavily autotuned Taylor Swift song? Seems like it'd be right up her alley.
Never felt so low when I was vulnerable.
Foul! Someone (I blame Sheeran) tried to rhyme "low" and "vulnerable." I do not care what accent you have that does not work.
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?
Wait...you spend 4 minutes whining and moaning about a heartbreak that you're totally over and then you ask if the relationship was a mistake?
Alright, I'm announcing it now: I am running for President in 2024. Campaign promise #1: Revoke Bieber's visa. Campaign promise #2: Surgical strikes to destroy all Canadian recording studios.
I will begin work on my inaugural address right now.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Plenty of love-lorn options here. For those of you seeking some twang with actual biting lyrics, I recommend Dawes' "When You Call My Name." Those seeking an angry pop option can pick up Guster's "Happier". Alternately, you can Google breakup songs and find approximately 7 billion lists of them. I'm sure you can find something that will scratch the itch more than this.
Chart position at time of writing: 2 (current peak)
Video Link, because nothing improves terrible pop like interpretive dance!: Link!
Review: You know, it's legitimately impressive that we've done this on and off (mostly off) for 3 years and haven't done a Bieber song before this. Heaven knows we've had the opportunity, but the guy's usually performing inoffensively bland pop music. I prefer not to aim for low-hanging fruit (Minus Florida-Georgia Line, of course) and is there anyone as universally despised as Bieber? Hating Justin Bieber has basically become the pop equivalent of hating Nickelback. It's absolutely understandable, but it's so implicit that you're not gonna find anyone who disagrees with you.
So, anyhow, that's why we haven't done a Bieber song. But then he had to go and try to perform something witty, which means that I must now murder him with words. Let's hop to it.
For all the times that you rain on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name.
At some point a celebrity becomes too famous to use their name to get into a nightclub. Like, if I was successful and talented (I am neither) but not well known outside of Central North Carolina, you might be able to sneak into a club by name-dropping me (NOTE: This will not ever work at anything that is not a faculty luncheon at my high school) (SECOND NOTE: It will probably not work there, either.).
But Justin Bieber is an internationally known mega-star. If you tell a club bouncer "Nah, it's cool, I know Justin Bieber," he will openly mock you. You may as well say "Oh, you'd best let me in or I'll call my friend Barry. Oh, you don't know Barry? You must know his work name, which is Barack Obama!" It will be just as realistic and just as effective.
To be fair, if you are an attractive woman, you will be allowed into the club anyhow, so there is no need to name-drop anyone. Cut that nonsense out.
You think you broke my heart,
oh girl for goodness sake
Um...does this have anything to do with the previous lines? Is this even tangentially related or are we just going through a checklist of puerile, useless insults which would cut down only the least secure, shallow human beings on the planet?
"Oh, we broke up but you still use my name! You think you broke my heart? You're so wrong."
Justin, bud, you're 21 now. High school should have been a long time ago by this point.
You think I'm crying on my own, well I ain't.
Is there anything more pathetic than the "You didn't hurt me at all" song? Addressing a person's insignificance by writing them a song and releasing it as a single makes as much sense as telling someone you don't actually like them by buying a box of chocolates, some flowers, and a 10 karat diamond ring.
And I didn't want to write a song
And yet, here we are.
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care, I don't.
Then, if I may make a recommendation, stop. No one is forcing you to make words with your mouth. Like, you can end this at literally any point. What about now?
But you still hit my phone up.
Guess not. Dude, just...this is far more pathetic than whatever behavior you're complaining about from the lady. This is a song about how he didn't want to write a song about the girl who he doesn't like anymore.
It's like Inception, if Inception was directed exclusively by idiots who claimed to get Inception even though they can't spell the movie's title correctly.
And baby I be moving on
It was at this point that I thought this song sounded like some crap Ed Sheeran would have written and judged to be beneath him. And then I looked at the songwriters and holy crap Ed Sheeran is one of the songwriters! Where's that photo of him looking like an idiotic douche?
Ah, that's the stuff. I can actually die happy knowing that there is someone who is uglier and more punchable than me, and Eddie there fills both requirements so very nicely.
Where was I? Oh, yes, a song written by a pair (technically trio) of tools about how much they're over a relationship. Let me know when the irony sinks in and/or kills you.
And I think you should be something I don't wanna hold back,
Maybe you should know that.
Ever written a sentence in, like, a term paper and then read it and thought "Wait, that doesn't actually say anything," so you re-wrote it? That's what should have happened with these lines. That's 17 words that manage to say absolutely nothing. Here, I can do the same thing with 10 fewer words: We suck at writing. Give us money.
So much time saved!
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone.
I'll confess, I kinda like this line. Then I realized that Justin Bieber's mom kinda has to like everyone. I mean, her own son has set the bar so low, she's basically only allowed to dislike terrorists and Nickelback.
Gah, where's that picture of Justin Bieber looking like a douche? Oh, wait, that's all of them. Seriously, click that link and then come back and tell me I'm wrong.
And I never like to admit that I was wrong.
You're so unique! I have never met anyone else who struggles with admitting they were wrong! Someone sign this guy up for the Canadian Legion of Meritorious Merit...or whatever the heck Canada's Medal of Honor is. The Golden Beaver? Is that a thing?
And I've been so caught up in my job,
I didn't see what's going on.
Is singing mediocre-to-bad pop music and throwing temper tantrums really a job? If so, can I apply somewhere? Teaching is hard. I imagine that people who work in factories or fast food would also like to apply for this job that enables you to get caught up so much. Please, enlighten us more on the difficulties of your life, you pitiable wretch.
Also, I hate myself for providing you with a TMZ page. I think I will write a song about it called "Link to Sadness (ft. Lil Wayne)" and tell you all about how hard this blogging business is and how little I care about my crush from 4th grade.
But now I know
I'm better sleeping on my own
Yep. Pop icon with legions of screaming fans. Bet it's reeeeeeeeeeeal tough to find a replacement lady. Good luck, dude.
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Then baby, you should go and love yourself
I think this is supposed to be a clever way of saying "go f*** yourself." But considering that it comes from a guy who doesn't really get subtlety or irony (Reference: any of the lines above this one) there is a very real chance that the dude is telling the lady to make out with a mirror.
Furthermore, not to say that Justin Bieber and I agree on...anything, but doesn't this guy usually date some fairly pretty women? Like, breaking up with Justin Bieber is not a death sentence for a pretty woman's relationship. Pretty sure Selena Gomez isn't gonna have any trouble finding a new dude to date her.
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin,
You are! YOU WROTE A FREAKING SONG ABOUT IT. I don't think I have ever actually met anyone with this little self-awareness.
You should go and love yourself.
Oh, this is definitely an attempt at wordplay. The keyword is "attempt." It's really less wordplay and more wordmurder-with-a-hatchet.
And when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And another cliche! This girl didn't like my friends, but she was the real problem.
Wait, I'm getting a phone call and...yes! Justin Bieber, congratulations! You are the 10 millionth man to make that complaint! Your prize is $1 billion--and that's in American dollars! You can abandon your singing career right now!
...crap, that didn't work. He's stillllllllll going.
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
You carefully considered her words and realized that opinions are not definite statements of fact, but are actually personal reflections on our own perceptions of available data?
And tried to make me forget where I came from.
You have a Wikipedia page for that. Answer's apparently London, Ontario. Don't blame the girl because you can't use the Internet.
Chorus loops again, still including the line about not wanting to write a song. The concept of irony commits suicide--ironically by using an iron. Fortunately, there's only 4 lines left!
For all the times you made me feel small
I fell in love now I feel nothing at all.
This is an unending (OK, 4 minute) chain of nondirectional passive-aggressive whining. Are we 100% sure this isn't a heavily autotuned Taylor Swift song? Seems like it'd be right up her alley.
Never felt so low when I was vulnerable.
Foul! Someone (I blame Sheeran) tried to rhyme "low" and "vulnerable." I do not care what accent you have that does not work.
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?
Wait...you spend 4 minutes whining and moaning about a heartbreak that you're totally over and then you ask if the relationship was a mistake?
Alright, I'm announcing it now: I am running for President in 2024. Campaign promise #1: Revoke Bieber's visa. Campaign promise #2: Surgical strikes to destroy all Canadian recording studios.
I will begin work on my inaugural address right now.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Plenty of love-lorn options here. For those of you seeking some twang with actual biting lyrics, I recommend Dawes' "When You Call My Name." Those seeking an angry pop option can pick up Guster's "Happier". Alternately, you can Google breakup songs and find approximately 7 billion lists of them. I'm sure you can find something that will scratch the itch more than this.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Andrew Reviews: The Hills
"Artist:" The Weeknd (No, I didn't misspell that.)
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 6 (Peak: 1, for 6 weeks. I didn't misspell that either.)
Video Link, for people who are bad at symbolism and directing videos: Here.
Review: I know it's not my job to be the morality police. Just because I was born with a rare genetic disease rendering me incapable of feeling joy doesn't mean everyone else has to be as miserable as I am. Watching people experience fun makes me feel like a space alien observing a species with which I have only a passing familiarity, but I'm getting better at comprehending humans' strange rituals. Experience has enabled me to understand how someone could enjoy, say, dancing--I don't get it, but there's no reason you shouldn't do it if that floats your boat.
But there's some things I really don't understand--like how anyone can enjoy music made by The Weeknd. Back in July I expressed a desire to review one of this guy's songs, because they're all super creepy. Fortunately, he did not disappoint with this one either! Check out the words:
Your man on the road, he doin' promo
You said keep our business on the low-low
Right out the gate with a cheating reference! That's pretty impressive! Even more impressive is the filter placed on his voice--really adds to the "I watch you through your windows while you sleep" vibe of the song. Also, isn't The Weeknd a singer? Wouldn't he be more likely to be doing "promo" than his paramour's partner?
No, wait, my bad, it's a Weeknd song. I am not supposed to think.
I'm just tryna get you out the friend zone
Has the term "friend zone" ever been used by anyone who wasn't a complete tool? "I'm nice, so she should want to sleep with me!" Yes, that is how it works. Because women don't get to have male friends. They're either cold and aloof or they're sleeping with you.
Cause you look even better than the photos
So...you haven't actually seen her in person? Or you think this is a compliment? Or you're an incredibly lazy songwriter (or team of 4 songwriters) who thinks the words "promo, low-low, zone, and photos" form any sort of actual rhyme scheme?
The Weeknd's lyrics are just window dressing, though. You're not supposed to listen to them, you're absolutely not supposed to think about them. You're just supposed to swallow your ecstasy, black out, and wake up next to a possibly-dead hooker who has one of your kidneys in her purse.
I can't find your house, send me the info
Who is this song for? If I'm a woman, I have a dude talking about how good my pictures look, whining about the friend zone and looking for my house. If I'm a dude, I've got some jerk trying to sleep with my girl. Is this guy trying to please the under-served stalker demographic? Because The Police already locked down that market back in '83.
Drivin' through the gated residential
Found out I was comin' sent your friends home
So you're dropping in as a surprise, Mr. Weeknd? Because if that's the case, this lady should keep her friends home and call the LAPD to come and pick up the dude whose been peeping in on her yoga class for the past 4 weeks.
Keep on tryna hide it, but your friends know
Wanna talk about a limited vocabulary? In 8 lines, we have used "friend" or "friends" 3 separate times. Not as a motif, either. Just, couldn't come up with anything else, I guess. Not "Keep on tryna hide it, girl, they know" or "Keep on tryna hide it, but it still shows" or "Keep on starin' at you through the window." All of those work with the rhythm of the song. This took me 33 seconds.
Chorus time!
I only call you when it's half past five
The only time that I'll be by your side
Which five? Like, 5:30 am seems too early for an illicit tryst, since no one really wants to be woken up at that hour, especially after a night of dropping E and nearly drowning in the toilet. But 5:30 pm is not optimum cheating time, because it's too early. Everyone's still awake at 5:30 in the afternoon. Heck, since the song's title implies an LA setting, at 5:30 everyone's stuck on the 405, a half hour into their 4 hour long, 3 mile drive home.
I only love it when you touch me, not feel me
Because genuine human emotion is something we dare not promote. Again: who is this song for? Even stalkers generally want more than just a one-time encounter. So I guess this song is for serial killers?
When I'm f***ed up, that's the real me
When I'm f***ed up that's the real me, yeah.
Actually, getting messed up means you're not the real you. I hate to point out the obvious, but the chemicals coursing through your veins are probably going to alter your decision-making abilities while masking your true personality. Unless we're to assume that the "real" James Brown liked to beat his wife with a lead pipe and take police on multi-state car chases or the "real" John Bonham enjoyed choking to death on his own puke, I think it's safe to say that when you're f***ed up, you're not the real you.
Now, you may be so full of self-loathing that you wish the real you was as interesting as drunk you, but since this song isn't supposed to elicit any emotional response beyond breaking a glowstick and drinking its contents, I will assume that you are not anywhere near that self-aware, Mr. Nd.
I only f*** you when it's half past five.
Couple things:
1) Yes, you can curse. We are all very impressed. In fact, you have used the same curse word in 3 consecutive lines. You do know there's other curse words, right? I know it would require effort, though, and you're clearly just here for a paycheck. Need proof? See point #2!
2) You're trying to get the girl out of the friend zone (Source: Line 3, this song). You don't know where the woman's house is (Line 5). But you have "business" with the lady (Line 2). Also you call and/or engage in extramarital relations with her at 5:30 am and/or pm.
Did anyone proofread this? I know I'm not the ideal audience, since I'm not currently writing this while huffing paint in a club whose theme is French torture implements of the 1730s. But this song is just a list of "I'm dangerous...and sexy...dangerously sexy" cliches, tossed into a blender and rearranged onto a page. It doesn't matter that it's contradictory nonsense, because no one's listening anyway.
The only time I'd ever call you mine.
Well, since you're only seeing her during the times her man is out of town, I'd say that's a pretty good conclusion. Is the rest of this song necessary? Can it just be an instrumental from this point forward?
After that line he repeats the touching, not feeling bit and then insists once more that he is absolutely himself when his personality has been altered by jackhammering heroin into his eyes. Then the next verse begins, and it is bad enough to make me long for the first verse again.
I'mma let you know and keep it simple
Tryna keep it up don't seem so simple
You thought I was joking when I said this was worse, didn't you?
Who looked at that and said "Yep, that's the best I can do. No need to attempt to fix that."? I'm serious, this might be the worst-written song I've ever reviewed for this blog, and I have reviewed 2 bro-country songs!
I just f***ed two bitches fore I saw you
And you gon' have to do it at my tempo.
What a catch. So, the woman in this song can't find anyone better to be her man on the side? Good. With any luck, everyone in this song's hypothetical scenario (The Weeknd, the cheating lady, the man who's stupid enough not to ditch the woman who is cheating on him with The Weeknd) will be dead of syphilis within a year. Actually, late-stage syphilis causes insanity, which might explain the lyrical nonsense. It's as good a theory as any.
Always tryna send me off to rehab
Jerks. Just because someone enjoys popping some MDMA, breaking a mirror with their face, eating some glass, growing their hair to look like a pineapple, stealing a cop car, and driving it through the front door of an abandoned Food Lion does not mean that person needs to go to rehab. Dang nanny state, trying to tell me what's good for me.
Drugs started feelin' like its decaf
Not even the gumption to name which drug? There's plenty of drugs that meet the syllabic rhythm of the song, and you're too lazy to even name one. I think this dude is actually named "The Weeknd" because he didn't want to exert the effort needed to hit the "e" key a third time. It's also super annoying to type his name. (Apparently it's to avoid copyright infringement with a Canadian band. Searching for them produces 10 pages of songs by this guy. It sucks to be them.)
I'm just tryna live life for the moment
I'm just trying to imagine life if everyone was as unimaginative and lazy as this guy. I think I'll type this section without using anymore "e"'s, just to see:
Th philosophy of living for the momnt is not, in and of itslf, a bad one. Hck, no lss a figur than Jsus said not to worry about tomorrow, bcause today has nough troubl for itslf (Matthw, 6:34). But whn your "living for the momnt" statmnt is about scrwing yourslf and othrs up, I hav a hard tim bliving you'r anything mor than an argumnt against post-Industrial cultur. For crying out loud, you liv in a tim of unprcdntd tchnological advancmnts, and your rspons to thos advancmnts is to look for a stram of constant slf-gratification, aftr which you have the gall to claim that you ar "living for the momnt." Bit m.
And that, children, is why this guy's name is stupid and his song sucks and good Lord please I am so tired just let it end.
And all these motherf***ers want a relapse
This has nothing to do with the previous line. It's only tangentially related to the drugs line from above, since if he's using so much that they "feel like decaf" then he's already relapsed. I feel like I am the only person (including the songwriters) who actually read this.
I don't want a relapse, dude, I just want you to write something resembling coherent lyrics.
The chorus loops again, with no more changes or sense involved. In the video, a car explodes, though. That's nice, isn't it? And then there's a bridge. A burning bridge, covered in the blood of songwriters who write meaningful, impactful lyrics for songs that will never be listened to because they don't have $3 million worth of production noises behind them.
The hills have eyes, the hills have eyes
The 1977 horror classic? Or the crappy 2006 remake? (I can assure you it is the 2nd. Mr Late-Friday/Saturday/Sunday has no idea there was an original. I would bet actual money on this.) Either way, I don't know why I'm surprised that there's a completely nonsensical line here. I should have expected nothing less.
Who are you to judge, who are you to judge?
This is one of those things that annoys me. Lots of time people living questionable lifestyles like to play the "only God can judge me" card, like God's gonna go "Oh, yeah, I'm totally down with meth." Look, dude, you're bragging about cheating, promiscuous sex, and drug use, and it has netted you multiple #1 singles. You're not a sympathetic figure, quit acting persecuted.
Hide your lies girl, hide your lies
Because only real men are allowed to record their lies and make money off of them.
Only you to trust, only you
"I only trust this one! Prrrrrrobably shouldn't have slept with those other women and then recorded it and then sold that recording to millions of people worldwide."
The song then concludes with a woman softly singing in Amharic, an Ethiopian tongue that is The Weeknd's native language. It is soft and beautiful and haunting and completely wasted on this piece of music.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Well, if you're looking for something to set the mood, you can go for literally anything by Marvin Gaye. Seriously, "What's Goin' On" is an anthem about social change and it's still sexier than this song. (Also, typing in Marvin Gaye into YouTube now produces a Charlie Puth/Meghan Trainor song before anything by the actual R&B legend. I hate my generation.) If you need something newer, try slower Alabama Shakes tunes like "Sound and Color." Hurry, before that Apple Ad ruins that song!
Also, if you keep listening to The Weeknd, I ask that you not kidnap and murder anyone. That would seem to be obvious, but if you're willingly listening to the Weeknd, then I really do have to spell it out for you.
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 6 (Peak: 1, for 6 weeks. I didn't misspell that either.)
Video Link, for people who are bad at symbolism and directing videos: Here.
Review: I know it's not my job to be the morality police. Just because I was born with a rare genetic disease rendering me incapable of feeling joy doesn't mean everyone else has to be as miserable as I am. Watching people experience fun makes me feel like a space alien observing a species with which I have only a passing familiarity, but I'm getting better at comprehending humans' strange rituals. Experience has enabled me to understand how someone could enjoy, say, dancing--I don't get it, but there's no reason you shouldn't do it if that floats your boat.
But there's some things I really don't understand--like how anyone can enjoy music made by The Weeknd. Back in July I expressed a desire to review one of this guy's songs, because they're all super creepy. Fortunately, he did not disappoint with this one either! Check out the words:
Your man on the road, he doin' promo
You said keep our business on the low-low
Right out the gate with a cheating reference! That's pretty impressive! Even more impressive is the filter placed on his voice--really adds to the "I watch you through your windows while you sleep" vibe of the song. Also, isn't The Weeknd a singer? Wouldn't he be more likely to be doing "promo" than his paramour's partner?
No, wait, my bad, it's a Weeknd song. I am not supposed to think.
I'm just tryna get you out the friend zone
Has the term "friend zone" ever been used by anyone who wasn't a complete tool? "I'm nice, so she should want to sleep with me!" Yes, that is how it works. Because women don't get to have male friends. They're either cold and aloof or they're sleeping with you.
Cause you look even better than the photos
So...you haven't actually seen her in person? Or you think this is a compliment? Or you're an incredibly lazy songwriter (or team of 4 songwriters) who thinks the words "promo, low-low, zone, and photos" form any sort of actual rhyme scheme?
The Weeknd's lyrics are just window dressing, though. You're not supposed to listen to them, you're absolutely not supposed to think about them. You're just supposed to swallow your ecstasy, black out, and wake up next to a possibly-dead hooker who has one of your kidneys in her purse.
I can't find your house, send me the info
Who is this song for? If I'm a woman, I have a dude talking about how good my pictures look, whining about the friend zone and looking for my house. If I'm a dude, I've got some jerk trying to sleep with my girl. Is this guy trying to please the under-served stalker demographic? Because The Police already locked down that market back in '83.
Drivin' through the gated residential
Found out I was comin' sent your friends home
So you're dropping in as a surprise, Mr. Weeknd? Because if that's the case, this lady should keep her friends home and call the LAPD to come and pick up the dude whose been peeping in on her yoga class for the past 4 weeks.
Keep on tryna hide it, but your friends know
Wanna talk about a limited vocabulary? In 8 lines, we have used "friend" or "friends" 3 separate times. Not as a motif, either. Just, couldn't come up with anything else, I guess. Not "Keep on tryna hide it, girl, they know" or "Keep on tryna hide it, but it still shows" or "Keep on starin' at you through the window." All of those work with the rhythm of the song. This took me 33 seconds.
Chorus time!
I only call you when it's half past five
The only time that I'll be by your side
Which five? Like, 5:30 am seems too early for an illicit tryst, since no one really wants to be woken up at that hour, especially after a night of dropping E and nearly drowning in the toilet. But 5:30 pm is not optimum cheating time, because it's too early. Everyone's still awake at 5:30 in the afternoon. Heck, since the song's title implies an LA setting, at 5:30 everyone's stuck on the 405, a half hour into their 4 hour long, 3 mile drive home.
I only love it when you touch me, not feel me
Because genuine human emotion is something we dare not promote. Again: who is this song for? Even stalkers generally want more than just a one-time encounter. So I guess this song is for serial killers?
When I'm f***ed up, that's the real me
When I'm f***ed up that's the real me, yeah.
Actually, getting messed up means you're not the real you. I hate to point out the obvious, but the chemicals coursing through your veins are probably going to alter your decision-making abilities while masking your true personality. Unless we're to assume that the "real" James Brown liked to beat his wife with a lead pipe and take police on multi-state car chases or the "real" John Bonham enjoyed choking to death on his own puke, I think it's safe to say that when you're f***ed up, you're not the real you.
Now, you may be so full of self-loathing that you wish the real you was as interesting as drunk you, but since this song isn't supposed to elicit any emotional response beyond breaking a glowstick and drinking its contents, I will assume that you are not anywhere near that self-aware, Mr. Nd.
I only f*** you when it's half past five.
Couple things:
1) Yes, you can curse. We are all very impressed. In fact, you have used the same curse word in 3 consecutive lines. You do know there's other curse words, right? I know it would require effort, though, and you're clearly just here for a paycheck. Need proof? See point #2!
2) You're trying to get the girl out of the friend zone (Source: Line 3, this song). You don't know where the woman's house is (Line 5). But you have "business" with the lady (Line 2). Also you call and/or engage in extramarital relations with her at 5:30 am and/or pm.
Did anyone proofread this? I know I'm not the ideal audience, since I'm not currently writing this while huffing paint in a club whose theme is French torture implements of the 1730s. But this song is just a list of "I'm dangerous...and sexy...dangerously sexy" cliches, tossed into a blender and rearranged onto a page. It doesn't matter that it's contradictory nonsense, because no one's listening anyway.
The only time I'd ever call you mine.
Well, since you're only seeing her during the times her man is out of town, I'd say that's a pretty good conclusion. Is the rest of this song necessary? Can it just be an instrumental from this point forward?
After that line he repeats the touching, not feeling bit and then insists once more that he is absolutely himself when his personality has been altered by jackhammering heroin into his eyes. Then the next verse begins, and it is bad enough to make me long for the first verse again.
I'mma let you know and keep it simple
Tryna keep it up don't seem so simple
You thought I was joking when I said this was worse, didn't you?
Who looked at that and said "Yep, that's the best I can do. No need to attempt to fix that."? I'm serious, this might be the worst-written song I've ever reviewed for this blog, and I have reviewed 2 bro-country songs!
I just f***ed two bitches fore I saw you
And you gon' have to do it at my tempo.
What a catch. So, the woman in this song can't find anyone better to be her man on the side? Good. With any luck, everyone in this song's hypothetical scenario (The Weeknd, the cheating lady, the man who's stupid enough not to ditch the woman who is cheating on him with The Weeknd) will be dead of syphilis within a year. Actually, late-stage syphilis causes insanity, which might explain the lyrical nonsense. It's as good a theory as any.
Always tryna send me off to rehab
Jerks. Just because someone enjoys popping some MDMA, breaking a mirror with their face, eating some glass, growing their hair to look like a pineapple, stealing a cop car, and driving it through the front door of an abandoned Food Lion does not mean that person needs to go to rehab. Dang nanny state, trying to tell me what's good for me.
Drugs started feelin' like its decaf
Not even the gumption to name which drug? There's plenty of drugs that meet the syllabic rhythm of the song, and you're too lazy to even name one. I think this dude is actually named "The Weeknd" because he didn't want to exert the effort needed to hit the "e" key a third time. It's also super annoying to type his name. (Apparently it's to avoid copyright infringement with a Canadian band. Searching for them produces 10 pages of songs by this guy. It sucks to be them.)
I'm just tryna live life for the moment
I'm just trying to imagine life if everyone was as unimaginative and lazy as this guy. I think I'll type this section without using anymore "e"'s, just to see:
Th philosophy of living for the momnt is not, in and of itslf, a bad one. Hck, no lss a figur than Jsus said not to worry about tomorrow, bcause today has nough troubl for itslf (Matthw, 6:34). But whn your "living for the momnt" statmnt is about scrwing yourslf and othrs up, I hav a hard tim bliving you'r anything mor than an argumnt against post-Industrial cultur. For crying out loud, you liv in a tim of unprcdntd tchnological advancmnts, and your rspons to thos advancmnts is to look for a stram of constant slf-gratification, aftr which you have the gall to claim that you ar "living for the momnt." Bit m.
And that, children, is why this guy's name is stupid and his song sucks and good Lord please I am so tired just let it end.
And all these motherf***ers want a relapse
This has nothing to do with the previous line. It's only tangentially related to the drugs line from above, since if he's using so much that they "feel like decaf" then he's already relapsed. I feel like I am the only person (including the songwriters) who actually read this.
I don't want a relapse, dude, I just want you to write something resembling coherent lyrics.
The chorus loops again, with no more changes or sense involved. In the video, a car explodes, though. That's nice, isn't it? And then there's a bridge. A burning bridge, covered in the blood of songwriters who write meaningful, impactful lyrics for songs that will never be listened to because they don't have $3 million worth of production noises behind them.
The hills have eyes, the hills have eyes
The 1977 horror classic? Or the crappy 2006 remake? (I can assure you it is the 2nd. Mr Late-Friday/Saturday/Sunday has no idea there was an original. I would bet actual money on this.) Either way, I don't know why I'm surprised that there's a completely nonsensical line here. I should have expected nothing less.
Who are you to judge, who are you to judge?
This is one of those things that annoys me. Lots of time people living questionable lifestyles like to play the "only God can judge me" card, like God's gonna go "Oh, yeah, I'm totally down with meth." Look, dude, you're bragging about cheating, promiscuous sex, and drug use, and it has netted you multiple #1 singles. You're not a sympathetic figure, quit acting persecuted.
Hide your lies girl, hide your lies
Because only real men are allowed to record their lies and make money off of them.
Only you to trust, only you
"I only trust this one! Prrrrrrobably shouldn't have slept with those other women and then recorded it and then sold that recording to millions of people worldwide."
The song then concludes with a woman softly singing in Amharic, an Ethiopian tongue that is The Weeknd's native language. It is soft and beautiful and haunting and completely wasted on this piece of music.
Recommended Alternative Listening: Well, if you're looking for something to set the mood, you can go for literally anything by Marvin Gaye. Seriously, "What's Goin' On" is an anthem about social change and it's still sexier than this song. (Also, typing in Marvin Gaye into YouTube now produces a Charlie Puth/Meghan Trainor song before anything by the actual R&B legend. I hate my generation.) If you need something newer, try slower Alabama Shakes tunes like "Sound and Color." Hurry, before that Apple Ad ruins that song!
Also, if you keep listening to The Weeknd, I ask that you not kidnap and murder anyone. That would seem to be obvious, but if you're willingly listening to the Weeknd, then I really do have to spell it out for you.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
How to Write A Hit Country Song
Here's a new feature, wherein I (a man with literally no musical talent) will demonstrate how to create hit music. Today, I'll show you how to lyrically compose a modern country song, using a template that has created hit after hit after hit! Let's get started:
I cannot stress this enough.
Pick some aspect of Southern culture to appropriate and turn into a metaphor. There's lots of these: peaches, hot summers,institutionalized racism, swimming, Daisy Dukes, trucks, etc. For today's exercise, I spun a home-made spinner:
And it looks like our subject is going to be everyone's favorite brownish, Sri Lanka-grown, Southern beverage: sweet tea!
Decide whether or not you want your song to be up-tempo or slow. This ultimately matters only because it will determine how brazen your advances on a woman will be. Slow songs tend to be more subtle, as they possess at least a little genuine emotion behind them. This can occasionally lead to meaningful lyrics and songs. Obviously we do not want that for our summer jam, so we will be writing a fast song.
After the requisite strums on the same chord progression as everyone else, you have to shout some generic intro phrase. I'd go with "Aw yeah!" or "Crank it up!" After this, you must hook in your listeners. To that end, open the song with the most stereotypical sentences you possibly can. Something like:
Girl your long tan legs look good in my truck
Tell them old city boys that they're outta luck
With just those 2 lines we have established: this is an attractive/leggy woman who is ours, we own a truck, and this is a country song. It's best to deliver these lines in a thick Southern accent, though. If you don't, people might get confused and think that some godless Communist is playing Bulgarian folk music on their precious 97.5, The Eagle. And no one wants that.
As the lyrics continue, your motto needs to be this "objectify, objectify, objectify." Feelings are boring:
I got 40 inch rims and a case of beer
All I need's your pretty sweet self in here
Boom: truck has expensive body modifications, alcohol is present in case this girl is semi-capable of making her own decisions about what to do with her body, and we nail verse one shut with a catcall. Let's move to...
This is the part of the song that has to be catchy. It's also where you use the aspect of Southern culture that you appropriated earlier. Check it:
Between the chorus and the second verse is a good time to stick in a light banjo riff or some steel guitar. This will defend your country credibility against the omipresent haters who are simply jealous of your songwriting and singing skills.
It's important to note that the second verse of the song doesn't matter at all. It's really only there to satisfy people who insist that songs not just repeat the chorus over and over again, despite the amazingness of the chorus we just wrote. Much like your first verse, just fill this up with as many stereotypes as you can:
It's critical to name-drop at least one country music legend in your song. Sure, "Wurlitzer Prize" would fit about as well in one of your playlists as "Paidushko Horo," and your audience has a 50% chance of spelling "Waylon" correctly, but everyone's pretending to respect Johnny, Willie, Waylon, and Patsy, so you have to as well. (Is that stuff even country? They don't talk about trucks or tight jeans at all.) Play the game, the light at the end of the tunnel is money. Which is the only reason to perform music.
Step 1:) Be a dark-haired male
I cannot stress this enough.
Step 2:) Subject matter
Pick some aspect of Southern culture to appropriate and turn into a metaphor. There's lots of these: peaches, hot summers,
And it looks like our subject is going to be everyone's favorite brownish, Sri Lanka-grown, Southern beverage: sweet tea!
Step 3:) Tempo
Decide whether or not you want your song to be up-tempo or slow. This ultimately matters only because it will determine how brazen your advances on a woman will be. Slow songs tend to be more subtle, as they possess at least a little genuine emotion behind them. This can occasionally lead to meaningful lyrics and songs. Obviously we do not want that for our summer jam, so we will be writing a fast song.
Step 4:) Intro verse
After the requisite strums on the same chord progression as everyone else, you have to shout some generic intro phrase. I'd go with "Aw yeah!" or "Crank it up!" After this, you must hook in your listeners. To that end, open the song with the most stereotypical sentences you possibly can. Something like:
Girl your long tan legs look good in my truck
Tell them old city boys that they're outta luck
With just those 2 lines we have established: this is an attractive/leggy woman who is ours, we own a truck, and this is a country song. It's best to deliver these lines in a thick Southern accent, though. If you don't, people might get confused and think that some godless Communist is playing Bulgarian folk music on their precious 97.5, The Eagle. And no one wants that.
As the lyrics continue, your motto needs to be this "objectify, objectify, objectify." Feelings are boring:
I got 40 inch rims and a case of beer
All I need's your pretty sweet self in here
Boom: truck has expensive body modifications, alcohol is present in case this girl is semi-capable of making her own decisions about what to do with her body, and we nail verse one shut with a catcall. Let's move to...
Step 5:) The Chorus
This is the part of the song that has to be catchy. It's also where you use the aspect of Southern culture that you appropriated earlier. Check it:
My sweet tea, I wanna take a pitcher
Tastes so good every time I go to kiss her.
See how "sweet tea" sounds like "sweetie?" And how "pitcher" sounds like "picture?" This is the sort of clever songwriting that enables you to make lots of money. Also, your target audiences (pretty, vapid girls and men who want to sleep with pretty, vapid girls) love sweet tea! So, even if you think sweet tea has no actual flavor and is only popular because guzzling sugar water isn't socially acceptable, you need to include something like this in your song. Continue to hammer the point home with the remainder of the chorus:
My sweet tea,
Give her all my sugar
Tall and sweet they don't make em any cooler
My sweet tea,
Give her all my sugar
Tall and sweet they don't make em any cooler
Awesome! You have now successfully tortured your metaphor so much that your audience would call Amnesty International if they knew what that organization was or how to spell its name. At this point, you may be worried that you're objectifying women too much or selling your soul to make a quick buck. I would respond by telling you that Florida-Georgia Line made $24 million in 2013, while Hank Williams, Sr. died drunk in the back of a Cadillac.
So...yes, you are condemning yourself to a future damnatio memoriae, but you are making a lot of money in the process, and that is literally the only reason to perform music. Ever.
Step 6:) Musical Fill
Between the chorus and the second verse is a good time to stick in a light banjo riff or some steel guitar. This will defend your country credibility against the omipresent haters who are simply jealous of your songwriting and singing skills.
Step 7:) Second Verse
It's important to note that the second verse of the song doesn't matter at all. It's really only there to satisfy people who insist that songs not just repeat the chorus over and over again, despite the amazingness of the chorus we just wrote. Much like your first verse, just fill this up with as many stereotypes as you can:
Girl we got Waylon cranked to ten
It's critical to name-drop at least one country music legend in your song. Sure, "Wurlitzer Prize" would fit about as well in one of your playlists as "Paidushko Horo," and your audience has a 50% chance of spelling "Waylon" correctly, but everyone's pretending to respect Johnny, Willie, Waylon, and Patsy, so you have to as well. (Is that stuff even country? They don't talk about trucks or tight jeans at all.) Play the game, the light at the end of the tunnel is money. Which is the only reason to perform music.
Partyin' in the cornfield again.
Again, referencing the rural setting of your song. Never mind that corn grows to a height of 7-8 feet, so a party in a cornfield would consist of aimless wandering, shouting to find your friends, failing, and going somewhere less stupid by 9:30. Partying in a cornfield sounds cool, so you should write about it.
Nowhere to be and nothin' to do
Think I'll have another long sip of you
Here, we segue into the chorus again by referencing our extended metaphor. (Dropping the clear sarcasm with which I have written this post: Writing those lines actually made my flesh crawl.)
Here, we segue into the chorus again by referencing our extended metaphor. (Dropping the clear sarcasm with which I have written this post: Writing those lines actually made my flesh crawl.)
Step 8:) Repeat chorus
You put 5 whole minutes of work into it. Get your time's worth.
Step 9:) Bridge
Because you can't just repeat the chorus, you have to write a few more lines. While one of those boring old-school songwriters might use this to add another layer of meaning, or a twist ending to the song, you just need to add 1-2 lines to finish the tune and cash your paycheck.
She looks so damn good I can't sit still
To establish your credibility as a real man, it's important to use a low-grade curse word here. The sort of thing that won't be censored, but will make traditionalists glower at your rebellious attitude, while making the vaguely of-age girls swoon and show their bra straps under the white tank tops and cowgirl hats that they will wear at country concerts precisely once.
To establish your credibility as a real man, it's important to use a low-grade curse word here. The sort of thing that won't be censored, but will make traditionalists glower at your rebellious attitude, while making the vaguely of-age girls swoon and show their bra straps under the white tank tops and cowgirl hats that they will wear at country concerts precisely once.
Think it's time for another refill.
Pummel your audience with the metaphor. SUBTLETY IS FOR GIRLY GIRLS.
Step 10:) Repeat chorus until song is 3 and a Half Minutes Long
You will have to repeat the chorus once, maybe twice. Any remaining shortfall in time can be made up with a repeated guitar riff or two.
Step 11:) Enjoy Your Chart Success!
Ignore any feelings of hollowness, shallowness, or the creeping feeling that you have sold your soul to an unholy entity in the pursuit of ultimately meaningless and fleeting fame. That will fade as you adjust to your new life in the mansion you've built on a foundation of empty Bud Lite cans and the corpse of Johnny Cash.
Special thanks for this post goes to my wife, whom you can blame for the first half of the chorus, the bridge, and for the idea of the post in general. Further thanks goes to the songwriters of Nashville, Tennessee for making this one of the easiest writing assignments I've had since elementary school.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Top 10 Evaluation: July 25, 2015
Writing this on July 16, reviewing the July 25 Top 10, I really don't know how Billboard determines their chart release schedule. Mind you, I also don't know how anyone listens to most of this stuff sober...
#10: "Hey Mama" by David Guetta (Featuring Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha, Afrojack, the 1987 Boston Celtics, and a Cray Supercomputer that attained sentience but then did a lot of acid)
...And we open our Top 10 with a song that isn't supposed to be enjoyed sober. Or, I assume this isn't supposed to be enjoyed sober. It's club music featuring lines so misogynistic that the friggin' Taliban could get behind the message if they didn't think their god had banned things like "pop music" and "electricity" and "joy."
I'm not joking, guys. There's some straight up 1850s-style junk in here:
Yes I be whatever that you tell me when you ready...
Yes I do the cooking,
Yes I do the cleaning...
Yes you be the boss,
Yes I be respecting...
Never mind, I was wrong. There's nothing creepy at all about a 47 year old white dude putting his name on a track where lyrics like that are sung by a black woman.
#9: "Where Are Ü Now" by Skrillex, Diplo, and Justin Bieber
There is only one explanation for this: a failed assassination attempt.
Follow me: The hatred for Justin Bieber is legendary. Ever since the dubstep bubble burst a few years back, Skrillex is considered a joke. No one knows who Diplo is, but allowing yourself to be called "Diplo" in public is reason enough for someone to want you dead. So the would-be assassins invited their trio of victims over, planning on electrocuting them with a faulty soundboard. The device worked, but the voltage wasn't high enough. The two "musicians" seized and thrashed, creating a series of random noises, while the "singer" screeched absurdly high notes that resembled lyrics.
Realizing their failure, the assassins pretended it was all normal and released the song as a single, adding an unnecessary umlaut in a desperate attempt to anger the Germans into killing the three. It has not worked. Yet.
#8: "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten
Nothing too egregious in the lyrics here; it's basically just Sara Bareilles's "Brave" sung from the first person perspective. I am, however, looking forward to hearing people complain that our high school's band is playing the fight song all wrong because it doesn't sound a thing like this one.
#7: "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon
I liked this song when it came out. Then I heard it roughly 3 billion times on the radio, as backing music in ads, and in restaurants. At this point, I would like to remove the "and Dance" part from the title.
#6: "Trap Queen" by Fetty Wap
I already reviewed this one in-depth, so you can read that if you'd like. This song's been in the Top 10 long enough that Mr. Wap should have a pretty good amount of cash now. Hopefully he uses it to buy some singing lessons.
#5: "Watch Me" by Silento
A collection of one-hit wonder rap dances all rolled into one song. Awesome.
Can we just skip to the part where this guy's working at a McDonalds, or do we have to pretend he's relevant for the requisite 2 months before forgetting about his existence?
#4: "Bad Blood" by Taylor Swift (inexplicably featuring Kendrick Lamar)
Already did this one, too! Did Kendrick Lamar lose a bet?
#3: "Can't Feel My Face" by The Weeknd
I really want to do one of this guy's songs in the near future. It's too late to do the extra-super-creepy one from Fifty Shades of Grey's soundtrack, but if the current song is any indication, this guy will keep cranking out songs best enjoyed while peeping in on unsuspecting women.
As for the song's subject matter--let's play a game. Here is a sentence, with four possible contexts and outcomes below:
"Oh, I want it so bad, but I know it will wind up hurting me in the end!"
*If you said that about fatty foods, most people will tell you to hit the gym and change your diet before you die of a massive heart attack. This is a good response.
*If you say that about drugs or alcohol, most people will tell you to seek help or counseling before you wind up killing yourself. This is a good response.
*If you say that about a relationship, most people will tilt their heads understandingly. Some will even tell you to go for it, knowing that it will end in utter misery. This is not a good response.
*If you say that about a relationship and record it, people will buy your music and you will make it into the Top 5 on Billboard. The only person to criticize you will be a minor league blogger with too much time on his hands. This is also not a good response.
#2: "See You Again" by Wiz Khalifa (featuring Charlie Puth)
A surprisingly heartfelt tune by a guy whose lone previous hit was about his car. I won't make fun of the lyrics for this one. Instead, I'll make fun of the audience!
This song's been getting a lot of play amongst my friends, who listen to it and let go a world-weary sigh, whilst gazing back at the simple, easy past with nostalgia.
Cut that crap out.
We're in our 20s and our early 30s. I refuse to stare longingly back at the first quarter of my life like it's the friggin' Wonder Years. We have more ahead of us than behind us, and it is critical that we make sure our future is an improvement upon our past. I can't speak for you, but I think my best years are ahead of me, not behind me.
And if that didn't end your retrospective navel-gazing, maybe this will: The whole "lookin' back at my life" genre of music extended the shelf lives of both Bob Seger and Kenny Chesney. That alone should get you to stop listening to songs like this.
#1: "Cheerleader" by OMI
And we arrive at the other end of the misogyny bookends of the Top 10! This song (well, the pop remix of it that's at the top of the charts) is a classic example of catchiness allowing you to get away with lyrics that would normally get you slapped:
She grants my wishes
like a genie in a bottle
On the bright side, that's mixed with a dash of un-subtle innuendo:
I'm the wizard of love
And I got the magic wand
Along with some "Honey, I'm Good" style bragging, with pretty girls throwing themselves at our singer, who bravely does not cheat on his girlfriend. I mean, I'm digging the pro-monogamy messages that are hitting the Top 10--now can we make their delivery suck less?
And that is all for this week! This feature will return the next time the Top 10 is horrible enough to vindicate wasting my precious life away typing in front of a screen.
#10: "Hey Mama" by David Guetta (Featuring Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha, Afrojack, the 1987 Boston Celtics, and a Cray Supercomputer that attained sentience but then did a lot of acid)
...And we open our Top 10 with a song that isn't supposed to be enjoyed sober. Or, I assume this isn't supposed to be enjoyed sober. It's club music featuring lines so misogynistic that the friggin' Taliban could get behind the message if they didn't think their god had banned things like "pop music" and "electricity" and "joy."
I'm not joking, guys. There's some straight up 1850s-style junk in here:
Yes I be whatever that you tell me when you ready...
Yes I do the cooking,
Yes I do the cleaning...
Yes you be the boss,
Yes I be respecting...
Never mind, I was wrong. There's nothing creepy at all about a 47 year old white dude putting his name on a track where lyrics like that are sung by a black woman.
#9: "Where Are Ü Now" by Skrillex, Diplo, and Justin Bieber
There is only one explanation for this: a failed assassination attempt.
Follow me: The hatred for Justin Bieber is legendary. Ever since the dubstep bubble burst a few years back, Skrillex is considered a joke. No one knows who Diplo is, but allowing yourself to be called "Diplo" in public is reason enough for someone to want you dead. So the would-be assassins invited their trio of victims over, planning on electrocuting them with a faulty soundboard. The device worked, but the voltage wasn't high enough. The two "musicians" seized and thrashed, creating a series of random noises, while the "singer" screeched absurdly high notes that resembled lyrics.
Realizing their failure, the assassins pretended it was all normal and released the song as a single, adding an unnecessary umlaut in a desperate attempt to anger the Germans into killing the three. It has not worked. Yet.
#8: "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten
Nothing too egregious in the lyrics here; it's basically just Sara Bareilles's "Brave" sung from the first person perspective. I am, however, looking forward to hearing people complain that our high school's band is playing the fight song all wrong because it doesn't sound a thing like this one.
#7: "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon
I liked this song when it came out. Then I heard it roughly 3 billion times on the radio, as backing music in ads, and in restaurants. At this point, I would like to remove the "and Dance" part from the title.
#6: "Trap Queen" by Fetty Wap
I already reviewed this one in-depth, so you can read that if you'd like. This song's been in the Top 10 long enough that Mr. Wap should have a pretty good amount of cash now. Hopefully he uses it to buy some singing lessons.
#5: "Watch Me" by Silento
A collection of one-hit wonder rap dances all rolled into one song. Awesome.
Can we just skip to the part where this guy's working at a McDonalds, or do we have to pretend he's relevant for the requisite 2 months before forgetting about his existence?
#4: "Bad Blood" by Taylor Swift (inexplicably featuring Kendrick Lamar)
Already did this one, too! Did Kendrick Lamar lose a bet?
#3: "Can't Feel My Face" by The Weeknd
I really want to do one of this guy's songs in the near future. It's too late to do the extra-super-creepy one from Fifty Shades of Grey's soundtrack, but if the current song is any indication, this guy will keep cranking out songs best enjoyed while peeping in on unsuspecting women.
As for the song's subject matter--let's play a game. Here is a sentence, with four possible contexts and outcomes below:
"Oh, I want it so bad, but I know it will wind up hurting me in the end!"
*If you said that about fatty foods, most people will tell you to hit the gym and change your diet before you die of a massive heart attack. This is a good response.
*If you say that about drugs or alcohol, most people will tell you to seek help or counseling before you wind up killing yourself. This is a good response.
*If you say that about a relationship, most people will tilt their heads understandingly. Some will even tell you to go for it, knowing that it will end in utter misery. This is not a good response.
*If you say that about a relationship and record it, people will buy your music and you will make it into the Top 5 on Billboard. The only person to criticize you will be a minor league blogger with too much time on his hands. This is also not a good response.
#2: "See You Again" by Wiz Khalifa (featuring Charlie Puth)
A surprisingly heartfelt tune by a guy whose lone previous hit was about his car. I won't make fun of the lyrics for this one. Instead, I'll make fun of the audience!
This song's been getting a lot of play amongst my friends, who listen to it and let go a world-weary sigh, whilst gazing back at the simple, easy past with nostalgia.
Cut that crap out.
We're in our 20s and our early 30s. I refuse to stare longingly back at the first quarter of my life like it's the friggin' Wonder Years. We have more ahead of us than behind us, and it is critical that we make sure our future is an improvement upon our past. I can't speak for you, but I think my best years are ahead of me, not behind me.
And if that didn't end your retrospective navel-gazing, maybe this will: The whole "lookin' back at my life" genre of music extended the shelf lives of both Bob Seger and Kenny Chesney. That alone should get you to stop listening to songs like this.
#1: "Cheerleader" by OMI
And we arrive at the other end of the misogyny bookends of the Top 10! This song (well, the pop remix of it that's at the top of the charts) is a classic example of catchiness allowing you to get away with lyrics that would normally get you slapped:
She grants my wishes
like a genie in a bottle
On the bright side, that's mixed with a dash of un-subtle innuendo:
I'm the wizard of love
And I got the magic wand
Along with some "Honey, I'm Good" style bragging, with pretty girls throwing themselves at our singer, who bravely does not cheat on his girlfriend. I mean, I'm digging the pro-monogamy messages that are hitting the Top 10--now can we make their delivery suck less?
And that is all for this week! This feature will return the next time the Top 10 is horrible enough to vindicate wasting my precious life away typing in front of a screen.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Pop Music, Poor Lyrics, and the Benefit of Hindsight
Let's open this post with a question: What is the single biggest problem facing pop music today?
OK, other than "it sucks," most people are going to have one of the following answers:
OK, other than "it sucks," most people are going to have one of the following answers:
- The music is a series of annoying electronic sounds, likely produced by waterboarding a Super Nintendo.
- The lyrics sound like they're written by particularly stupid chimpanzees
I can't really do much about the first one--merely pass you some earplugs and hope that EDM will someday retreat back to the club scene where it can be enjoyed with glowsticks, ecstasy, and $9 cocktails.
I also can't help with the second complaint about pop music, but I can explain it, and that's got to be worth something! Here we go:
Many of you have likely seen a meme like this one floating around your social media feed:
I also can't help with the second complaint about pop music, but I can explain it, and that's got to be worth something! Here we go:
Many of you have likely seen a meme like this one floating around your social media feed:
Ha! Look how amusing that is, while simultaneously showing the downfall of popular music! And the Nicki Minaj song charted higher than Zeppelin*?! Outrageous. True music is dead.
Except, no, it isn't. Saying "there's no good music anymore" is shorthand for "I am too lazy to use the Internet to look for music I might like, so I'm just going to sit here and complain." Mainstream country may be dominated by flatbill capped bro-douches, but the alt-country scene is bustling with great acts. Guitar rock and roll still lives in garages and crappy little clubs throughout the nation. Underground rappers engage in wordplay that mainstream glam rappers don't touch, because taking an unpopular position could derail their gravy train. There is good music--go find it.
As for pop? Yeah, it's idiotic. It's going to be, for it always has been. We can look back now and fondly remember songs because they have been filtered through years of discernment. Take, for example, The Band's "The Weight"--rightly regarded as a classic piece of music. When it was released in 1968, the song hit 63 on the Billboard charts. That same year, The Ohio Express (a band that did not actually exist) made it to #15 with the song "Chewy, Chewy" a piece of music so monumentally bad that I feel bad for providing you with that link. In 1969, "Sugar, Sugar" (by another band that did not actually exist) outperformed "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes," "Space Oddity," and "Think."
There are two reasons for this. First and foremost, popular material has to appeal to as broad an audience as possible, which means it must be as pandering as possible. This is why Michael Bay lives in a mansion and independent filmmakers live in their cars. To succeed in pop, one must be popular, which merely requires catchiness. Repetitive music and something (anything) that gets stuck in your head is the goal, depth isn't even on the radar.
Secondly, "classic" rock/pop/R&B/country has had the benefit of being filtered through multiple decades of refinement. The bubblegum of the 50s and 60s has been weeded out by classic rock snobs who tout Hendrix (highest charting song: #20), the Grateful Dead (#9) and Led Zeppelin (#4) as exemplars of their time. So take heart! There's at least a chance that our time will be remembered more for Ryan Adams, Dawes, and the Alabama Shakes than for Bieber, Rihanna, and Lady Gaga.
Hey, a guy can dream.
*--For what it's worth, Zeppelin never released the quoted song ("Thank You") as a single. The fact that it didn't chart really doesn't indicate anything.
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