Andrew Reviews: Honey, I'm Good.

"Artist:" Andy Grammer
Chart Position at Time of Writing: 11 (Peak: 9)
Video Link, proving the music industry hates you: So much.

Review: Repeat after me--"Catchy does not mean good." Say it again. And once more. Well done.

Just because a song gets stuck in your head does not make it a quality piece of music. If you get the hook for Rihanna's "Birthday Cake" jammed into your cerebrum, that does not make it equivalent to Beethoven's 5th. Is everyone clear on that? Are there any questions? Put your hand down, blogs do not work that way. Lyrics!

Nah, nah, honey I'm good.
I could have another but I probably should not

The second line here is a syllabic train wreck. I'm no songwriter, but if you have to add an extra beat to make the line fit into the rhythm of the song, maybe consider changing the words to fit the music. This song is something of a rarity for our blog, as it has only two writers, one of whom is actually singing the thing. You'd think that guy would know the little "should not" break fits into the song about as smoothly as a tiger in a nursing home. Apparently he did not.

I've got somebody at home-home-home-home

I am absolutely astounded at the amount of effects used in the chorus of this song. Because repeating a line dozens of times apparently requires autotune and layering effects. Singing must be very difficult.

It's been a long night here, and a long night there

Who wrote this? I want whichever one of the songwriters who put this down and thought "this is a finished line in a song" to come to North Carolina so I can meet them, shake their hand, apply some baby powder to my hand, and smack them with all of my might.

If a 3rd grade class was assigned a poetry project and a student wrote this line, the teacher would circle it with red pen and write "WTF?! Fix this!" The teacher would get fired, while the student would go on to hit the Top 10 with his song "Nite Tyme is When It's Dark (ft. Drake)."

And these long long legs are damn near everywhere.

While this is just a generic line about a lady with long, attractive legs, I like to think that the woman in question is actually a giant spider. Or maybe one of those folks born with more than 2 legs. Decry my imagination if you must, but we're 5 lines in and nothing interesting has happened.

Hold up now
You look good, I will not lie

Lots of love has been lavished on this song for its positive message of not cheating on one's girlfriend/spouse. I'll admit that it's better than the typical pro-infidelity song, but there's still a massive problem here. Namely, why the heck are you out drinking with another woman who you admittedly find attractive? This strikes me as a recipe for bad things to happen. If I'm aiming to prove my faithfulness to my wife, I'm not gonna do so by having drinks with Katy Perry.

There's something to be said for not putting yourself into flagrantly stupid situations. Sure, you're saying that you're good this time. What about tomorrow night, Andy? WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW!?

But if you ask where I'm staying tonight

"My answer will be the Red Roof Inn of Toledo, Ohio. Red Roof Inn: it's slightly better than a crack house."

I gotta be like aw, baby,
Naw baby
You got me all wrong, baby
My baby's already got all my love.

Hey, pal. Protip here: when you're turning down the woman who's been flirting and drinking with you all night, it's probably best not to call her by the same pet name you call your committed partner. This is what we in the human relations business call a "mixed signal."

Nah, nah, honey I'm good.
I could have another but I probably should not
I got somebody at home,
and if I stay I might not leave alone.

No one came with him? He just decided to fly solo at the bar? A good looking musician, sitting alone. He didn't think this was a gigantic invitation to Temptation Central? He should consider himself fortunate that there's only one attractive woman in Toledo, otherwise this song would be about a group of attractive women violently ripping Andy Grammer to shreds.

Actually, that would be awesome. Can we get that song instead?

Nah, honey I'm good,
I could have another but I probably should not

This has been established. 3 times now. In the first 44 seconds of the song. WE FREAKING GET IT.

I got to bid you adieu.
To another I will stay true.

Yep, you're not cheating. Gold star. Somehow, most of us non-cheaters have managed to do so without writing an annoying song about it. On the bright side, I'm through the chorus, which means I don't have to write about it anymore, even though it plays three more ear-grating times through the course of the song.

Now better men better men,
than me have failed

Behold, the art of the humble-brag! "I know I'm not the best guy, but I am not going to sleep with this attractive random Ohioan. Well, shucks, I guess I'm not that bad."

Drinking from that Unholy Grail

The Unholy Grail is that cup the Nazi drank from at the end of The Last Crusade.

Now check it out,
I've got her, and she's got me

This is generally how non-awful relationships work. Seriously, who wrote this? Is the other songwriter actually an elementary school student?

And you've got that ass.

It's verifiable fact that all songs purporting to be heartfelt can be improved by the insertion of semi-random, soft-edged, generally inoffensive profanity. Honestly, this is what makes Shakespeare such a hack. Watch me improve the famous and vastly overrated Sonnet 18:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Strong winds may shake the darling buds of May,
and baby, your tits are super great.

How much better is that? 10 times better? Infinity times better? Probably the second one.

But I kindly,

"You've got that ass" followed by "I kindly" followed in a few lines by "sure as hell ain't mine" (see below). I am not sure Andy Grammer or his co-songwriter/little brother know what the word "kindly" actually means.

After this, the prechorus and chorus go again, unchanged in their unrelenting desire to make you kill yourself. Then there's a bridge and all of the "new" words are done with.

Oh, I'm sure you'll, sure you'll, make somebody's night

Yep, some lucky guy is gonna get a one-night stand out of a woman who got rejected by a pop singer. I am sure she will feel great about that, and we know that the guy's gonna be super excited to learn he's the coveted Second Prize.

But oh, I assure ya, assure ya, it sure as hell's not mine.

Well played. Really nailed that final rejection, man! Your spouse is going to be so pleased. You were drinking alone with a pretty woman whose attractiveness you repeatedly acknowledged, but you wound up not sleeping with her. Someone sign this guy up for the Congressional Medal of Honor, he's a Real American Hero.

Recommended Alternative Listening: I could just put "any love song that is actually a love song" here, but I'm more dedicated to my craft than (and this is just a random example off the top of my head) Andy Grammer and the Cub Scout who helped him write this song. So try out this poppy love song by Guster that is actually about love. Or give an early Beatles tune a spin--it's nice and repetitive, yet somehow not awful. If what drew you in to this song is the faithful man on the road, may I recommend Chicago's "Wishin' You Were Here." Or, if you're convinced I'm wrong, here's the club remix of the song. It is even worse.